I always thought that she was so beautiful.
I wasn't sure why, nor did I care. Her hair, her smile, even the way she parted her lips to speak just made me melt. She was wearing a dress today, black and white, and she had tied her curly hair up into a messy bun with wispy spans that blew in the wind. Her skin was the color of caramel candy or maybe sweet syrup. When she smiled, I could've compared her bright teeth to that of the sun. In fact, I'm sure if any sun gods existed, they would've been jealous of a mortal that could be so bright. Cleo Sylvester, the girl the gods' would have envied.
I didn't even realized she was approaching me until my name pasted her lips. "Your names Valerie, right?" Her voice had a slight rasp, and it wrapped around my brain intoxicating me. My legs melted. I wasn't sure she'd ever spoken to me, not directly anyway.
"Yes . . . ?" I muttered, not meeting her eyes. I pretended to stare at a brown bug crawling through the grass and played with my hands as I anxiously waited to hear what she had to say. I noticed that there was a group of girls staring at us. Snickering, laughing. My heart began to race. What was happening? Were they laughing at us? Oh no, no . . . No. They didn't have reason to laugh at me. I was invisible, transparent. You couldn't laugh at someone who had no presence, right?
"Someone told me you liked me."
Oh no, oh no. I had been watching her for around two years now, but . . . I didn't make it obvious, had I?
"Ha ha ha," I scratched the back of my head as I searched for something to say. No response could be formed. What could I say? Who could've told? Who could've known? I don't think I'd told anyone, had I? Maybe, I had, and I couldn't remember. Two years was a long time, right?
"Ha ha ha . . ." My laugh seemed distant. My voice just seemed completely separate. In fact, the world seemed surreal at this point. Was this real? Hopefully, this was just a dream. I blinked a few times, but the world was still the same. I was here, and this seemed to be real.
"Well, that'd be . . ." I searched for something to say. "I mean I don't know you that well . . ." My feet shifted. If I ran, I'd see her tomorrow, and that group of students laughing . . . Were they laughing at me? Maybe they told her. But, I didn't tell any of them. I didn't think I knew any of them. "Well, I guess taken an interest in, but not really-"
She laughed, and I squeezed my arms together. It wasn't mockingly, but I still wanted to collapse on the ground and cry. I lift my eyes and gazed at her. Her eyes were glinting, and she held her hand to her mouth as her laugh died down. She then noticed my gaze and her expression turned into a soft smile. "You have very pretty eyes. A nice light brown skin, almost like honey. It'd be nice if you didn't stare at the ground so much. Listen, Val, that's fine right?"
I nodded. "I was just messing with you. I actually like you a lot if you haven't noticed. I was just kind of dared to do this by those assholes over there." She pointed to the group I'd noticed over there. They seemed to notice as some of them were bent over laughing on the ground.
My face was hot. I wasn't sure what was going on. Was she tricking me? My eyes were beginning to burn. Was I crying? There wasn't any reason to. Not that I really knew what was going on anymore . . .
Was I being pranked? I heard dare. . . But she also said that she liked me. Confusion, confusion. This was annoying. My brain felt cluttered. I searched for words.
There was no way someone like her could tolerate me. No way. I was so boring. Average looking. Just frizzy hair and brown eyes... Why on Earth would she ever be interest in me?
So many thoughts. All the times she'd noticed me gaping at her like a lovesick puppy dog. That must've been stalkerish. Maybe she wondered why someone as gross as me would look at her. Maybe, she'd guessed that I liked her. My dumb staring would be the death of me.
Had I ever seen her looking at me? Would she ever return my stares? So many thoughts. Why was I thinking all of this? What'd Cleo even say to me? She was standing here. If this was a joke, she would've left by now, right? How many seconds had passed.
She sighed, and I jumped. Had I annoyed her? Oh no.
"I'm sorry," she said. She looked away and rested her hand on my neck.
>
"Don't be!" I shot in before I could even think. "Uh, I'm sorry. . . Cleo . . . So sorry. You probably think I'm such a creep. I can-" I searched for more words to say, and she stared at me intently. Waiting. For something specific maybe. I wasn't sure. Her gaze was so intense. I sighed. My brain found nothing to say, and my words seemed to blow away in the wind.
Finally, she grabbed my hand and unlaced my fingers. "Valerie, you're so cute. Just forget everything that just happened. I like you, a lot. If you don't mind," she smiled and leaned forward a bit, her voice getting a bit quieter, "I would like to go out with you sometime."
"Ah." The small slip of tongue escaped my mouth without me realizing. I stared at her for a bit longer. "You're being serious? Like, are you still joking? I'm so lost."
Her lips turned into a grimace, and the glint in her eyes seemed to dull.
"Do you want to go out with me, Val?"
"I-"
Say yes, idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Say yes.
I felt myself backing away. Why wasn't I saying anything? My dream was true. This was true.
"Valerie!"
Was someone calling my name? I looked at the group of kids over there. What? It sounded to close.
"Valerie!"
My eyes opened.
My mom was standing over me, and I could see my dimly lit ceiling. I pressed my fingers down and felt my dingy mattress. Same dream. Same fucking dream. Cleo Sylvester... Cleo... every night there she was with her beautiful eyes and soft smile. That smile would drive me off the brink one day, wouldn't it?
"Hey mom," I mumbled. My eyes tried to adjust to the little light in the room. Was it morning already?
"Why do you keep waking up so late? You could be tardy.."
My mom nagged in the background like she did every morning, and I shook a little. Could she shut up for five seconds? I couldn't think clearly, and she knew that. I grabbed my phone off my desk.
6:27
Twenty three minutes. I needed to get ready.
"Thanks for waking me up," I hissed. I waved at her, and she sighed and walked out. I'd disappoint her forever wouldn't I.
Whatever. I didn't care. Honestly it didn't matter if I was the daughter she never asked for. I'd probably kill myself before I even graduated, and she'd be rid of me forever.
Besides I needed to get ready for ready to go to school, the prison I never asked to go to, where I'd have to see that angel. Cleo. Actual torture.
I sighed and looked around my room. My dream journal had gone missing, but I guess it didn't matter since I dreamt about her every single night. What was I going to tell my therapist?
I walked to the bathroom. My eyes flickered to my reflection on the giant glass mirror. Dark circles, empty dark eyes, dark skin, large nose, tiny eyes . . . My appearance was honestly repulsive, wasn't it? It's probably why I'd never get married and why no one would ever like me...
"Good morning Valerie," I mumbled and touched my reflection, leaving a misty grimy fingerprint against the glass. Pointless. Annoying. Irritating. Could imagine someone looking at me all day? Perhaps it was time to end that...
"I think I'm going to kill myself today."