My entire afternoon was spent sulking. I hadn't felt emotional like this in a while. My main three states of mind were that of a suicidal lunatic, a lovesick dumb fool, and an apathy filled student. Turns out avoiding conversations for so many years had resulted in me not being mentally prepared to have such intimate interactions.
I ended up just crying as I walked into the house, rubbing my eyes tirelessly. My mom wasn't here right now, thank god. If she was, she would've scolded me for crying for no reason or forced me to pray with her for three hours. I didn't hate my mom or anything, but it was a lot easier to avoid her than dealing with her outrage and religious obsession.
I walked into the kitchen and scavenged through the pantry. Stale chips, fruity cereal, nothing appealing. This house was... useless.
I ended up just going to my room and lying in bed for two hours. My homework sat in my bag untouched, and a few notifications pinged from my phone every once in a while. I kind of just ended up drifting in and out of a depressing haze. To be honest, I could've just slept in all day if my hunger pains had calmed down.
I took my phone out of my pocket and looked through it. A text from mother about fast food 12 missed calls, seven of which were from an unknown number? 34 text from three unknown numbers... And a deal from papa john's about 5.99$ pizzas.
First order of business, ask my mother if she wanted pizza.
Second, figure out the source of my notifications. The last time someone outside my family had texted me was in 7th grade over a group project. As I scanned over my messages, I realized I'd been added to a group chat titled The Saints Club. I read over it.
The first message was:
Unknown: Hello! I am Cleo Sylvester, and this is the group chat for the The Saints Club! Please reply as quickly as possible signifying that you have read through the following rules.
Each rule had been sent as a different messages making up five of the 34 sent messages I had received earlier.
Unknown: 1. Club meetings will not be held when the club leader (Cleo Sylvester) is not present."
Unknown: 2. Members will attend every meeting unless they have a proper excuse not to attend. An excuse the club member gives must be presented to the club leader, Cleo Sylvester.
Unknown: 3. You must present all worries about the club and its members to Cleo Sylvester.
Unknown: 4. Do not speak to anyone who leaves the club at anytime.
Unknown: 5. If you are found to be in violation of these rules, consequences will be chosen by the club leader. If you refuse to face the consequence, you will be kicked out of the club."
Unknown: Feel free to ask any questions, with love, Cleo~!
The rest of the messages were just conversations between Cleo and what I assumed to be club members. Anyway, the rules seemed a bit dictatorial but I couldn't judge. Students were unreliable and forcing people to abide by strict rules was sometimes necessary I guess. If her club was full of other people like me, then it was definitely necessary to have such strict rules.
I added her number into my contacts list. To be honest, my heart was racing. Just the idea of adding her into my contacts list was absolutely stunning. The angel in my phone. Wow.
I wasn't sure what to say, so I decided to just send a question mark.
I was immediately welcomed with a response from Cleo.
Cleo: Hi, hi~! Cleo! I wasn't sure if I'd mistyped your number or not since you hadn't responded. I'm absolutely delighted to see that you've joined us! I'm assuming you read over the rules already. If you hadn't, I'd be quite disappointed. Everyone, please send your name so Val can add each of you to her contacts. I'm not sure she's met any of you before, except for you Valentina.
Unknown: Ameena
Unknown: Valentina
Unknown: Fidele
I added each of the accordingly and just simply sent a Thanks.
There conversation resumed and I just set my phone down and hoped my mom decided to order pizza. My brain explored different possibilities regarding the club, and what Cleo's words meant. This day was too overwhelming for me.
I wrapped myself back in blankets and ended up relaxing for a few more hours continuing to ignore my homework. It wouldn't be a surprise if I failed this year. What if I dropped out of high school? My mom would probably disown me. I'd disown me too if I was her.
Failure at love, failure at school, failure at happiness...
Why wasn't I happy? I listened to the chime of notifications on my phone as I pondered. The girl I'd been thinking about asked me out and wasn't creeped out by my dreams of her. I actually socialized with other people for once. This was supposed to be a dream come true. Everything I wanted to happen was happening
But, I wasn't happy. My chest was hurting really badly. My brain had slowed down, and my eyes were just full of tears. What was wrong with me? This was proof wasn't it? I'd never be happy no matter what happened to me. I could be given the best situation ever, and I would still just sulk.
I was just ungrateful wasn't I? I didn't deserve to be spoken to. I should just withdraw and stop trying. It was finally time to end my life. How was I supposed to-
My phone began to ring, interrupting my spiral of depressing thoughts. I read the contact and was relieved to see it was just my mom. The one and only time I wanted to talk to her. I swiped the answer button and held the phone to my ear.
"What kind of pizza do you want?"
"Cheese."
"Okay. Love you. See you in a few hours."
"I love you to, mom."
She hung up, and I lied down. I guess I could be happy sometimes.