almost nearly borderline PERFECT

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<div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 1. WAKEFULNESS|2]] </div>

<<cacheaudio "audio_wakeup" "audio_wakeup.mp3" "'audio_waveup.wav">> <img src="cg_adelaidefield.webp" width="99%"> <<audio "audio_wakeup" play>> In the heat of summer, there are always cicada screams. In fiction, lovely people tend to appreciate them. They accompany them in the sounds of summer, and people romanticize their cries. It is something I'm unable to understand. They symbolize the hottest time of year. Their bodies are round, large, and awful to look at. Was my distaste for you always a symbol of my ugliness? I have no clue.

<<img "cg_adelaidebed.webp">> Soft and plushness beneath my body. The fan spins above me. My body is moist. I should be sprawled out somewhere, half dressed and struggling to not choke on my own vomit, yet I'm staring at my bedroom fan. It'd be easy to deceive myself into thinking I'd just gone to bed early if it weren't for its presence. I can always smell it, sitting on the surface of my skin. [[>>|3]]

And of course, the pain is impossible to ignore every time. I sit up, holding my head in my hands, trying to force my eyes to adjust to the room. It's annoying, the weight something can be on your body. I'd slice my head off if I could, but God knows I'm too scared to even attempt that. The endless blur stays for perhaps five minutes before my brain finally got its act together. As apology, it gives me better control of my seven senses. <i>Clattering of pans.</i> [[>>|4]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_opendoor" "audio_opendoor.mp3">> <<img "cg_kitchen.webp">> <<audio "audio_opendoor" play>> The door creeks loudly, alerting whoever else is in the house to my presence, but the person doesn't seem to care. There is no running of feet across the floor, just more cooking. Water running. Sizzling, the smell of eggs.. It'd be nostalgic in any other scenario. [[>>|5]]

It is not who I expect, thankfully. The girl in my house turns to face me and gives me a smile. I mean, to refer to her as 'the girl' may be a bit rude. I know her fully well. The girl who mowes the office lawn.. Who I bought cards for... Evangeline... <i>"What are you doing here?"</i> [[>>|6]]

<<img "cg_evakitchen.webp">> "So harsh my love!" She's smiling, in a goofy way, as if her being in my house is not something deserving of explanation. Her eyes wander to my clenched fist. The wide smile is softer, but it still feels like she knows something I don't know. She turns away from me, picks up a spatula, slides it under an egg, and drops it on the plate. Next to it is a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of orange juice. [[>>|7]]

"I'm super sorry. You must not remember super well. We drank in your office. You had a bit more than I thought you would." She sat the food on the counter, motioning for me to sit next to her. [[>>|8]]

I look down at myself then at her, but she just waved her hands. "We also had sex a little bit maybe, so it doesn't bother me." "What...?" Her smile disappears for a moment before she speaks again.. "I mean I was also a bit wasted but more cognizant than you were. I wouldn't have done it had I know you'd pass out and forget." [[>>|9]]

"I do not believe you." Her smile remains though its to see she's a bit hurt.... I stare at the food then at her. It was visible.. The dark marks on her neck. She certainly couldn't have given herself those. [[>>|10]]

Tiny flashes.. Card games, biting, gnashing.. Bits of a strange puzzle. But I guess she is here, in my house, and I'd certainly done things like this before. "I apologize." I look at the food she made, then her face. She seems.. so pitiful now. No goofy smile, just furrowing eyebrows and puppy dog eyes. It does not suit her at all and it will make this conversation more uncomfortable if it continues. [[>>|11]]

"I did not say that to accuse you of anything. I am just confused." I pick up my spoon and eat some of the oatmeal. It's brown sugar and maple- the only flavor in my cabinet.. Her eyes stay on me as I eat even as she keeps her head down. Looking at me.. Like a dog begging for scraps. "I shouldn't have been drinking at work. Don't worry about it." [[>>|12]]

I reach up for her head but see the shininess of the gel. I lower my hand, rubbing her back instead. "I am bothered because you are younger than me and I hire you to do things for me. It is a bit of a problem for me to behave in that way just because I have alcohol in me." [[>>|13]]

Still pitiful, but she's definitely hooked on every word. It is still not ideal, but better than talking to someone who looks so sad. "Even if you are cute, it is no good for me to behave in that way towards you. " [[>>|14]]

That goofy smile returns. I can see it.. Tail wagging, ears perking up, even if it's in spirit only. Truly some kind of tiny little thing. "I mean it's not your fault," she speaks again. "Just cause you're older and sort of my employer. I pursued you on purpose. I like doing all that work for you cause I get to see you more than the work itself." [[>>|15]]

<<img "cg_breakfast.webp">> I stir the oatmeal as I listen. My appetite is there but my stomach just doesn't want to agree. It's hard to figure out why she's here. We had sex, I passed out.. And.. "You took me home?" [[>>|16]]

"Yeah, I mean I couldn't leave you in the office. I know people are in and out. I did dress you though. I just, umm.. I took them off when we got back cause you were sweating and drunk." Stirring.. stirring. Clinking.. clinking.. Still not making sense. [[>>|17]]

"Why?" She tilts her head. "What do you mean why? Basic common decency?" [[>>|18]]

"Many reasons. I stayed for a while because I was worried you'd get sick in your sleep. Then I realized even if you don't get sick, you'll feel super sick in the morning." She laughs in a stilted way. "Also cause uh, I am not a one night stand kind of person." She clicks her fingers against the counters. Rough hands, short nails, tiny wrists. Despite doing so much physical labor.. She's so small, but she is working so much.. Bizarre.. [[>>|20]]

"I mean, I do get your question. I know why you're confused," reaches for my arm, tapping at it as she talks. I stare at her hand, but she doesn't shy away from my glances like most people. "At first I thought I fucked up. You fell asleep in the middle of it, and I knew.. I had really screwed up any chance of anything.. But I just kept trying to fix it." [[>>|22]]

<img src="cg_kitchen.webp" width="99%"> "I was anxious as fuck cause l didn't want you to wake up in your office.. So I got really stupid.. I put headphones on you and wheeled you home on my tractor. I was scared you'd wake up the whole time and be freaked out." "And then we were at your house and I got out your keys cause you know... I thought it could be weird but that's what you do for drunk friends. I didn't mean to like break in."

"I thought about leaving,. but I didn't wanna leave a note cause.. I was worried I'd never see you again." "We live in a tiny town. You'd see me again whether you wanted to or not." [[>>|23]]

"I know, but you gave me that really nice gift.. And umm.. I just did all that cause umm.. I mean common decency and I consider us friends... But I do genuinely like you." I realize the clinking of my spoon on the bowl has gotten louder, and the oatmeal is getting on the counter. It sits on the granite. I let go of the spoon. [[>>|24]]

The gift.. the card set.. It is always bad to give employees gifts. "Thank you, Evangeline, for being honest with me. Now, I think I need you to leave." [[>>|24.5]]

As a kid, my sister and I would rub bicycle tires over them. They'd scream even louder, in fear or agony. You can tear off their wings, and they scream even louder. That'd probably be a fucked up thing to talk about. Can you love someone if you knew they used to tear off bug wings for fun? Speaking of my sister. I know she's sitting at her computer, waiting for me to log in. [[>>|27]]

<<img "cg_computer.webp">> <<type 30ms>> Genieva: You closed the clinic again. Adelaide: I did. Genieve: Have you considered going to rehab?<</type>> [[>>|28]]

She sends me these from time to time, but I'm well aware she wants me to go to rehab so she can mention her "poor sister who went to rehab" to everyone she knows. She's got enough respect to not go around telling everyone about my problems, but if I were indisposed of, it'd give her an excuse to finally tell my business to everyone. <<type 30ms>> Adelaide: Do not send me things like this.<</type>> [[>>|29]]

<<type 30ms>> Genieva: It's happened just enough that it signifies you have a problem. Adelaide: I don't close the clinic every time I drink. Genieva: We get a notification for every purchase you make. Adelaide: I'm well aware. I drink sometimes, but rarely do I close the clinic. Genieva: Your desire to fuck up your life will never cease to amaze me. Genieva: Spending all of your money on clothes and alcohol and your shitty house <</type>> [[>>|30]]

I close my laptop and lean my head against the armchair of the couch. Mm, it's annoying when she's right but completely wrong at the same time. Despite being the only one who'd never left home, she continues to bother me the most- the only one who texts me daily, the one who pops up at my house completely unannounced, and the person who keeps up with every aspect of my life. Employed and building wealth at home... Perhaps, I should've done the same, but it still annoys me when she acts like I do everything wrong. [[>>|31]]

You liked their screams more than I did. You'll always be worse than me. [[>>|31.5]]

<<img "cg_cicada.webp">> It's important to return to work quickly. Usually, I'd reschedule my clients quickly and try to see them briskly. Medication management were often short appointments. I'd just fill up my breaks with them. But I find that all the clients for today have been rescheduled to other empty spaces in the week, still filling breaks but pushing them out over the course of several days. [[>>|33]]

Evangeline. I have sent many payments to her for random services around the clinic since I was the main person here. She primarily did physical work, however, I, foolishly, had taught her my scheduling software at some point so she could do small tasks for me. I knew she didn't have a longterm job.. It was nice to do these things for her from time to time.. [[>>|33.5]]

<div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 3. DEPRIVATION|40]] </div>

<<img "cg_adelaidefacewiped.webp">> Tapping my head. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. <i>"STOP."</i> "There's dried saliva on your face." [[>>|41]]

In the heat of summer, there are always cicada screams. In fiction, lovely people tend to appreciate them. Now people obsess over them. Such a beautiful insect! I wish I could hear it! Well you can, if you go to the worst place on Earth. Below everything where there are a million forgotten towns, they wait for you. [[>>|PROLOGUE_2]]

<<img "cg_officenote.webp">> A tiny note sat on my desk. It would be nice but she simply does not understand I do not have the luxury of taking breaks in a place like this. [[>>|34.5]]

<<img "cg_officevodka.webp">> The cabinets.. Opening.. Annoying me.. annoying me. The cabinets have alcohol which will make it stop. Annoying me. Annoying me. Annoying me. It's a bad vice, but I think its one I am deserving of. Annoying me. Annoying me. It's a rather irritating one to be sure, but usually I can drink just a little. I've grown to love the burning. Sometimes, I store the tiny vodka bottles just to feel it. [[>>|36]]

I'm obsessed with being "perfect" in every aspect of my life to the point I feel suicidal when I have fallen short. The gap between expectations and reality or my capabilities never closes, leading to despair. I live in a fantasy world I can't give up. I can't have genuine intimacy or meaningful connections (romantically or socially).

The love for a creature that makes such a putrid is something I'm unable to understand. They symbolize the hottest time of year. Their hard, round, large bodies are awful to look at and worse to touch. Was my distaste for you always a symbol of my ugliness? I have no clue. [[>>|0]]

<<img "cg_cicada.webp">> The day must go on despite the consequences of my actions. Most of the year it is tolerable but in summer it is the hardest. Runny noses, itchy eyes, and of course, the bugs. Their shells stick on the walls of the house. The work I like to do outside becomes intolerable. I hate looking at them, and well, I enjoy listening to the sounds of nature, but they are so loud. It's mindnumbing. [[>>|26]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_silence" "audio_silence.ogg">> <<audio "audio_silence" loop play>> <<audio "audio_cicadas" stop>> My declining tolerance is always making itself known. I put it away and sit at my desk. The 24/ beating in my skull stops. I'm going to live for a bit longer. I think about the girl in my house this morning. My little house. Haha, I lived at the edge of town so people wouldn't come, yet she came, walked up my raggedy porch and pulled me into my living room. [[>>|37]]

Who even cares? I should really see her again. She took me telling her to leave like such a good sport. She didn't cry like a lot of people. I wonder if she cried when I fell asleep. I'd kill to see it. Such a charming person. You're the only person who's done stuff for me for this long. Why do you want to get involved with such an awful woman? Haha. [[>>|38]]

You rescheduled all my patients, and it makes me mad, but being in the clinic alone really is heavenly. I lie my head on the desk. It's always nice. The wood is cool, and it's a piece of furniture I really invested in. Maybe all of this was worth it. Just for you. Lovely table. [[>>|39]]

"Mmm.. ghh," Someone wipes at my lips with a wet rag. I swat at their hand. "Stop touching me." "Sorry, Adelaide, but I know you'll be embarrassed about it later." [[>>|42]]

"Eva.." Their such a blur but still somewhat easy to recognize even with the world being a mess. "You're here again." I can hear her giggle. "Of course I am. I was worried about you. You should've been really mad at me for rescheduling your patients." "I- I. Don't care." [[>>|43]]

"Sleeping with your head on your desk is bad for you. I'm gonna take you home. Is that okay?" "You've already been to my house." "I'll take that as a yes." [[>>|44]]

Arms under my arms, lifting me out of my chair. I hold out my hand. "I can walk. I promise." "I know but you can still fall even if you technically can walk. Just let me." I'm too tired to protest. She drags me out by the hand. The door closes, and she reaches into my pockets, taking out the keys and locking the door. [[>>|45]]

"Are you going to have sex with me?" "What!" Her voice is loud for a second. Her face is red. So cute. Puppy. Puppy. Like a little dog. Yes. I can't help but take her cheeks in my hands for a moment. Her wide eyes.. Staring at me. [[>>|46]]

"That's what you did before.. haha? You're not going to do it again." "No, no, I wouldn't have done that if I knew you wouldn't remember it." Her lips quiver. Her smile fails to come back. [[>>|47]]

Keep that expression for me dear.. Stay still... Better, like this. I can understand it if she looks like this. "Do you still plan to not have sex with me? You're looking so cute." [[>>|48]]

"To do it twice would be a sign of a bad habit. I'd rather you be sober." "If you say so." I let go of her face. She takes my hand and walks slightly ahdead. Tiny little thing. Cute. I could dress you up in all the clothes I can't wear. Would you keep looking so bashful? [[>>|49]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_silence" "audio_silence.ogg">> <<audio "audio_silence" stop>> <<audio "audio_cicadas" loop play>> <div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 4. BAD SPORT|50]] </div>

To be holding someone's waist unsteadily drunk on a tractor is not how I envisioned today going, but here I am. She's humming as she rides. "Sorry, I need to get like, a motorbike," she says at some point. Even though I couldn't see her face, I could still envision her smile. Goofy thing. [[>>|51]]

"I am not too good for a tractor." "Have you ever mown a lawn?" "Not in this life, no." [[>>|52]]

"Not in this life? Have you lived another one?" I sigh and lean my head onto Eva. Loud. Overbearing. Tractor. It suits her. [[>>|53]]

"Do you think of your old self as a different self?" Of course, Eva had slept with me, so perhaps this line of questioning should not be a surprise. Still, I often didn't completely undress though I guess.. if.. [[>>|55]]

"You're a pervert. Stop talking like you know me." "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Her voice still seems chipper. [[>>|56]]

"I was just asking. I'm not like trans or anything but you know, I'm kind of.. over there." "Over where..?" She laughed. My face burns. Even if she's not laughing at me, it's not hard to feel like it. The tractor engine stops as her giggles calm down. [[>>|57]]

She turns to me, twisting the top of her body, looking over her shoulder. "You're so cute, you know?" Trapped on this stupid tractor. Marching off in these stupid heels would annoy me, but I already feel myself trying to anyways. [[>>|58]]

A red-headed woman leg is already going over the seat, stepping into the grass, about to march back under he sun. She stumbles in the grass, making a fool of herself. <i>This is not any better</i>. [[>>|59]]

<<img "cg_evastare.webp">> I stand for a moment before looking back at Eva. She's smiling as she sits, watching me, leaning forward with her arms on her legs. Still on the vehicle as I stand in the grass. Silly. Silly. Silly. You did not win anything. You did not win anything. You did not win anything. You HAVE NOT WON ANYTHING. [[>>|60]]

<<img "cg_adelaideshouse.webp">> The ride back is quiet, but I know I hear it. Her stupid laugh escapes her spirit, circling around me. No escaping it. She walks into my home again, but I don't stop her. Are you still intepreting this as winning? Just because I didn't do the bare minimum of stopping you? [[>>|61]]

I sit on my couch, ignoring her presence, thinking back to her face when I held it in my hands. <i>You were cute like that. Just stop smiling.</i> [[>>|62]]

"I hope you didn't think I meant any harm by bringing up your gender. I just wanted you to know I knew was all." Of course you wanted me to know. People always want me to know they know something I don't want them to know. But you're going to keep explaining. Here it comes. "And I don't really care, by the way Adelaide." [[>>|63]]

"I can never tell what you're thinking," she keeps talking. She keeps talking. Talking. Talking. "But even not being able read your mind, I can tell you're mad." [[>>|64]]

"When I said over there, I mean like, I dated every kind of girl and I think it's cool." "You're awful at this, stop talking." "Can you talk?" [[>>|65]]

Can I talk? What was there to even say? "Nothing to say." "You can tell me why you're mad." "I.. I.. Don't have anything to say," harsher. Harsher. [[>>|66]]

"If you say so, Adelaide :)" I sit still, but Eva doesn't move. She sits, well, relaxes, naturally. She leans against the arm rest of the couch, sometimes staring a me then off into the disance, daydreaming. "You said you like me, right, Evangeline?" [[>>|67]]

Eva looks at me, expressionless. Pretty. Her smile crawls back onto her face. "I really like you." "Why?" "I'd let you have sex with me again." [[>>|68]]

"I hate it.. When you mock me. If you like me, don't mock me. Just have sex with me." "I didn't mean to mock you.. But I guess I did. It wasn't to make fun of you. And you know, I can't have sex while you're like this." "You keep mocking me." [[>>|68.5]]

"Well it's like.. When I was younger, I had this cat. And she'd growl at me when I rubbed her sides. I'd growl back at her.. or meow too.. But she'd still sit next to me when I did my homework. Her name was Bluebell." Eva continued talking. "She was this big, fluffy thing. White fur, it was all over her. She'd stare a you, her eyes were huge... Aha." "Were her eyes green?" [[>>|70]]

<<img "cg_adelaideshocked.webp">> Eva looked away, face a bit red as she reflected. "Perhaps." "I.. I.." I don't think I've ever been compared to a cat. [[>>|71]]

<<img "cg_cat.webp">> We didn't have sex again. I don't know how to feel about it. I look at pictures of persian cats. I don't know any other cat breeds. I don't know if I'm particular fond of any kind of pet. [[>>|71.5]]

<<type 30ms>>Adelaide: What makes a woman cat-like aside from physical traits? Aiyana: Hi Adelaide. Why are you asking me this? Adelaide: A woman compared me to a cat. Aiyana: A normal woman? Adelaide: She does not seem normal. Aiyana: I think cats are very cute.s Adelaide: She's a lesbian.<</type>> [[>>|73]]

The phone starts ringing at the top of the chatroom. "You met someone?" Aiyana talks. She sounds sleepy though she's always sleepy. "No. It is the girl who works at the clinic. She compared me to a cat, her childhood cat actually." [[>>|74]]

"Oh the butch girl.. She's cute and nice." I see it in the corner of her screen. A flicker of tail and delivering of medication. Aiyana looks away for a moment, smiling before facing me again. I put my head in my hands. "I am not a feline woman I don't think." "Why do you think that?" [[>>|75]]

"I have never been compared to a cat." "Did you like the comparison?" "I don't like cats very much." "That's fair, but I think a cat girl is different from a cat." [[>>|76]]

Aiyana rubs her eyes. She is certainly not a cat.. maybe something more meek. Like a wild hare. "I think I'd rather be a rabbit." She looks at me and her eyebrows furrow a bit. "You are thinking about this too hard. Did something else happen?" [[>>|77]]

I look away, but as always, she is eternally patient. She stares intensely at the screen though it's clearly not a me. She scrolls through other things before switching back to me. "Do you like her?" "I don't think I'm capable of liking anyone." [[>>|78]]

"I thought you were a lesbian." "I didn't mean it like that." She tilts her head. Yana can't be expected to pry anymore. She's just not that kind of person. I sigh. [[>>|79]]

<<img "cg_aiyanatalk1.webp">> "We had sex and I don't remember anything. She cooked me breakfast and she organized my calendar, in a way I dislike specifically. She is always laughing at me. I don't understand it." I take a deep breath as I continue, "I've been incredibly mean, but she laughs or smiles. She's cute but I can't stand her smile." "To top it off, the cicadas are incredibly loud. I can't get my thoughts together." [[>>|80]]

"Oh, woah." She sits, staring. ... It'd take a moment. [[>>|80.5]]

She smiles and looks away. "Have you ever heard of the tsundere archetype..?" "No." She just nods, still smiling. "I can give you a manga about it.. People find them cute in fiction sometimes, but some people really dislike them.. I need to get back to work soon, but please keep me updated okay." She waves. I wave back. The call ends. [[>>|83]]

<<img "cg_adelaidephone.webp">> <div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 5. BETTER.|84]] </div>

At times when I am stressed, I text my parents simple words. <I>Hello. How are you? Do you like the weather lately?</i> She answers. And often mirrors the questions back at me. I answer. Our answers mirror each other's. I sometimes text my siblings. It is all the same. Endless looping messages. I can get the urge to text Genieva, but it is funny knowing she knows I am texting everyone but her. It will never make her calm down, but at least she will now about my contempt. [[>>|85]]

I text simple greetings and questions. The typical small talk routine.. In some ways, I still prefer talking to Genieva though. At least she says new things sometimes. Mother stops answering and so does my dad, eventually. I don't mean to keep talking, but talking is easier than listening to the cicadas. Yana likes to lend me fiction, but it's hard to read when they are this loud. I try. I open various books, images with girls in love cover the pages, but all I can think of is the round bodies in the grass, screaming. [[>>|85.5]]

<<img "cg_cicada.webp">> I'm not thinking of them really- they are simply inescapable. Are you thinking of something that makes its presence known? No. No. <i>No.</i> There is no way to ignore it. They are in every memory. The day passes. The shower runs. I prefer baths, but the shower head drowns out the noise. They sense my attempt to escape. It's louder. It's louder. It never ends. [[>>|87]]

They are filthy and crazy about sex. Just like some people. I stare at the ceiling. They are screaming for a lover, right? Something along those lines? Cats would enjoy hunting them. They are predatory animals that hunt most things. Though I know some cats that don't do this, but surely I'd be that kind of cat, especially considering I used to pluck out there wings. [[>>|88]]

I'm not that kind of person anymore. It's important to not hurt defenseless creatures, even if you feel as though part of you craves it all the time. I know I am better than the girl that tortured cicadas for fun. That's all that matters. Yes.. yes.. I can even recall her now. [[>>|89]]

<<img "cg_better.webp">> Mother stares at me from behind her work computer. Her whiteboard in writings. We wrote them sometimes for hours, and today was my turn.. My handwriting is not beautiful, but I write quickly and efficiently, partially because of things like this. <i>Better. Better. You are better, and you can always be better. Efficiency at times is better than beauty.</i> [[>>|90]]

She babbles. Grades. The future. College. Better. Getting out of here. Better. Nice hair. Pretty clothes. Better. Good degrees. Worthless degrees. Worthless woman. Womanhood. Our ancestors didn't get to live well because people like us couldn't live well. Do you think you're worthy of them? [[>>|91]]

Do you like anyone? That's not good. There's just not time. Better. Better. Do better. Relationships are a waste of time in school. Are you looking for a summer job? Hard work is what rewards a good life. Your sister's GPA is .1 higher than yours. We both know she's not a smart girl. So why are you struggling? Are you also not a smart girl? [[>>|92]]

"Don't worry. I'll do better..." It comes out of my mouth.. "There's something.." She looks at me, expectantly. The excuse that never comes out of my mouth for my performance. As always, it never comes. [[>>|93]]

I leave the whiteboard for the next sibling. I write more words than everyone else every time. [[>>|94]]

<<img "cg_bathroommirror.webp">> In the mirror, I sometimes lift my bang stare at my forehead It annoys me every time. Yana says to see these scars you'd have to look for them, and I am just sane enough to know this is true.. and yet, I rub them with cocoa butter everyday and pray. These were my main problems when I first pursued beauty, but of course, there is the fragility of skin plasticity. [[>>|95]]

Sometimes, I see it, a glimpse of a frown line. Sometimes, it's gone, but other times, I see it in every reflection. I just can't do a doll face all the time. I sometimes talk to her about it, even if she makes me feel worse. It does take my mind off of things. [[>>|95.5]]

<<type 30ms>>Adelaide: What are you talking about. Genieva:: There's more skin care stuff in the cart!! Adelaide: I see. I do not plan to look 18 until I die. Genieva: M-e-t-a-p-h-o-r. Adelaide: I am not interested in neglecting myself.<</type>> [[>>|97]]

<<type 30ms>>Genieva: When was the last time you ate a vegetable. Adelaide: You like people under 18. Genieva: WOAH. Genieva: YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT. Adelaide: K.<</type>> [[>>|99]]

<<type 30ms>>Genieva: I was also under 18.. It's normal. Genieva: Anyways, I'm saying, doing things that make you look ridiculous. Genieva: Like some kind of.. peacock. Evangeline: Recently, someone compared me to a cat. Genieva: I bet they're thinking of feral cats. Who said it anyways?<</type>> [[>>|100]]

I close the chatroom. It felt weird to talk to Genieva about Evangeline. I had a feeling I already knew what'd she say... I actually don't know if Evangeline's cat was feral or not. What.. makes a cat feral? I am so uneducated at the worst of times. [[>>|101]]

<i>Feral cats, also known as homeless cats that have Spend their entire lives outdoors, are born in the wild and have had limited contact with humans..Can these animals can be domesticated, trained, and ultimately integrated into their homes as pets? The answer is yes: feral cats can become your new indoor feline companions. However, several crucial steps must be undertaken beforehand. Domestication of a feral cat is certainly not a task for the faint of heart and demands a substantial investment of time and patience.</i> [[>>|102]]

Hahahahahaahahaha. [[>>|103]]

"You stopped taking your medicine? Why?" "It made me too tired. It all makes me too tired." I glance at the patient as I type things. I dislike it. I think. This job. It feels inherently cruel in a way beyond my control at the worst of times, however, I couldn't say I completely hated it either, even if I felt a bug in my spirit as I worked. [[>>|105]]

First there is autonomy. "Do you want to be on medication, dear?" "I just don't want to feel bad anymore." [[>>|106]]

Second there are more options, which can result in a few predictable reactions. "Have you seen a therapist or done any lifestyle changes?" "I've tried to do things to make myself feel better.. And therapy is unhelpful." [[>>|107]]

Lastly, there is truth. "I see. I apologize that you're having such a rough time." "People with [XXXXX] may respond poorly in therapy, but it is proven to be helpful. This is the case with therapy and medication. While I can keep trying medication, I want to express there's a high chance you will continue to experience negative side effects over time." [[>>|108]]

The windows are dark. It's.. dark. Night time. but the lights.. did I.. No.. I'm sure I wouldn't.. have? A figure in the dark rises from another sofa. It appraoches, but I can also see her small shape. [[>>|128]]

"So in the end. It is up to you. I do not want to keep giving you medication if you feel it won't be beneficial to you, and I have referral for various therapists I am in contact with though due to the state of things, you may have to wait quite some time." She repeats her concerns. I express the same sentiment. She cries. She goes on more medication. I give her a referral. She probably goes on a waitlist for 6 months. [[>>|109]]

"Isn't your job as a doctor to fix me?" "I don't know why I feel like this." "I'm tired of this." "I want to hurt myself." "I'm experiencing hallucinations." "I'm sorry to hear that. Are you still on your medication?" It's a job suitable for someone like me. Perhaps. It is hard to say. [[>>|110]]

To believe prescribing prescriptions is the extent of my job is incorrect though people don't tend to realize this. When people do well on their medications, I have to write letters to allow them to lead better lives. There are also letters for people who never get better. This is relatively easy but causes me many problems due to its ease. [[>>|111]]

This deck of cards was one I found via secondhand listings. I don't know anything about nerd shit, but I do know about secondhand markets. So I found one hardly printed and that wasn't sold much. It was expensive for a pack of cards, but not worse than what I spend on other hobbies. I like when people's eyes light up when you give them something nice. It's hard to connect with others. Gifts make it easy. [[>>|166]]

Smiling when taking paperwork from someone knowing you must be honest is an easy act for me but it does not mean I like it. It's here now. I stare at my computer. The patient requests a note from their doctor noting their functioning in relation to medications that cause drowsiness. She is always desperate, staring at me, afraid of falling into the abyss. It took me longer than I'd like to get too, but there are always things to write. The templates are never enough. [[>>|112]]

"Ms. Doe takes 160MG of Xxxyquil once per day. When in my office, she is awake and alert. There are no signs of drowsiness. On the bottle, it notes that you should not operate heavy machinery, however, because the patient takes the medication in the evenings, it should not affect her during daytime hours. MD. Adelaide" [[>>|113]]

Maybe that's why I slept with her. I really wish I could remember. She's sitting at the counter. She has two books and the card deck. It's decorated with various bunnies in bizarre shapes. It's a rather cute deck. I also chose it because I liked it. The red card faces are the cutest. [[>>|167]]

I sit next to her, but she doesn't look at me immediately. She's scribbling in her journal, while referencing her other book from time to time. She ends her paragraph and looks at me. Goofy smile. It's.. nice. [[>>|168]]

Side effects aren't really listed on bottles for the patients' benefit. It certainly does not make my own job easier. And faxxed. [[>>|113.5]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_discord" "audio_discord.ogg">> <<img "cg_vodka2.webp">><<audio "audio_discord" loop play>> <<cacheaudio "audio_cicadas" "audio_cicadas.mp3" "audio_cicadas.wav">><<audio "audio_cicadas" stop>> <<cacheaudio "audio_fax" "audio_fax.wav">> <<audio "audio_fax" stop>> Why does this keep happening? <i>You're obviously buying it and leaving it around the office.</i> It is infuriating. The drunk me leaves it in places, and the sober me never has time to clear it all out. And well, the hungry sober me buys more if I do that anyways. [[>>|115]]

At least that blue haired girl had spread out my patients haha. I didn't have to close the clinic today. The clinic waiting sofa.. It's nice to lie here. The cold leather. It heats up quickly, but then I pace. I pace. I pace. I pace. I pace. I return, after knocking a ton of shit over. The leather is cool. I repeat. I repeat over and over and over. [[>>|116]]

At first it was for being with friends, then the taste, and now I just love the warmth in my stomach, the burning of my throat. How could I ever give up the only one whoever loved me? I don't really know. I'll probably die with her. [[>>|117]]

<<img "cg_adelaideshouse.webp">> I reach down to touch the couch. Leather. Leather. Not my house.. Not.. My head hurts. The lights are off. I stumble off the couch but fall onto the office decorative pillows. Pain. Pain. Not from the fall but my skull. The pain pierces from the base of my neck and trying to escape though my eyes. Need.. aspirin. [[>>|127]]

The cabinets open and close. It hurts every time they slam shut. You're making the noise! Can't complain about cicadas this time. [[>>|118]]

<<type 30ms>>Genieva: I see you reading my messages. Can you please respond? <</type>> [[>>|119]]

I overheat but refuse to go outside. It's too hot in out there. I sit in front of the AC shaped object.. It's obviously the AC. It's clearly the AC that I <str>installed</str> bought myself. Because I make all my own money and I pay for the office and my house and my office and my house and my office and my house. [[>>|120]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_discord" "audio_discord.ogg">><<audio "audio_discord" stop>> <<cacheaudio "audio_cicadas" "audio_cicadas.mp3" "audio_cicadas.wav">> <<audio "audio_cicadas" loop play>> When I was a kid, we weren't really allowed to talk about sex. I don't really know why. They didn't teach us about it at school.. My parents avoided the topic. I didn't know much of anything, not even the basic differences between what defines a boy vs a girl. "But I know all about it." She'd tell me when we took baths. We shared rooms. We did everything together. [[>>|125.5]]

<div style="text-decoration:underline;"> <<img "cg_cicada.webp">> [[CH 8. MEMORY|125]] </div>

"Can you play the song that goes <i>whywhyhwhyhwhyhwhyhwhyhwyhwhhyhyhwhyhyyyy</i>?" "Sorry, Adelaide, I didn't get that. Could you try again?" "Can you play it. it goes <i>whywhywhywhy whyyyyy i love youuuu i haven't seen you in ageees</i> "Sorry Adelaide, I didn't get that. Can you try again?" [[>>|121]]

"Am I like a cat?" "Showing responses for <i>Am I like a cat?</i>" "I've never owned a cat." [[>>|123]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_knock" "audio_knock.wav">> <<audio "audio_knock" play>> "Adelaide? Adelaide? Are you there?" [[>>|124]]

"I can get you some more medicine." Soft voice, her hand is on my shoulder. I am too tired to say anything. "I need to go home." "Okay." [[>>|129]]

The stumbling of feet, the flickering of lights, jingle jingle. Cicadas. Cicadas. Cicadas. Cicadas. Cicadas The tractor vibrates. I hold to the blue haired girl. She doesn't say anything. I don't think. She stares straight ahead. It's so dark. Are there cicadas or crickets? [[>>|130]]

<<img "cg_adelaideshouse.webp">> Up the stairs. "Do you want to sleep in your clothes?" "I don't care." My voice sounds terrible. [[>>|132]]

My arms are raised above my head. Heavy doll. Heavy doll. She doesn't care. She's gone for a moment.. Gone.. again and again. My heads on the pillow. I'm staring at the ceiling. There's noise. She's here again. The weight of the bed sinks under her weight. She doesn't touch me. Please. do. Or. Don't. [[>>|133]]

<<img "cg_fan.webp">> "Do you want me to reschedule your patients?" "I don't care." She's gone again. There's only the ceiling. [[>>|134]]

Eventually I hear her again. Fingers on my arms. She isn't talking. She isn't saying anything. [[>>|135]]

"Do you want me to stay for a while?" I don't know what I said. [[>>|137]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_silence" "audio_silence.ogg">> <<audio "audio_silence" loop play>> <<audio "audio_cicadas" stop>> <<img "cg_losttself.webp">> You've lost yourself somewhere. Become normal again. Do your work. Do your work. Do your work.. It'll all end if the wheel stops moving. [[>>|138]]

"I'm never gonna let you go again, ok.." Soft voice as always.. "I should've.. checked on you.. when you were rambling about cats.." "No.. you .. shouldn't have.." [[>>|151]]

Did I do something wrong? Why do I have to keep moving the wheel? There's nothing to stop me. Or to move me. Except for myself. And I've proven I'll never stop. [[>>|139]]

Time flies. There's' s nothing. No I guess, there's me and vodka and this body. Memories of her hands. To care about your skin so much and keep drinking. Do you think my liver is completely yellow? <i>Yeah, it's obviously yellow. You're too old for this.</i> If I lose my job here, I can finally move somewhere else. [[>>|139.6]]

No one would want this house but maybe I could rent it. Do you want to be a landlord? No not really, but I want to survive. Do you think the best way to survive is by being a landlord? Well, no, but am I surviving like this? On the buses, sometimes animals dart in front of the wheels. I've only seen actually die though. It was a cat. I don't know what it looked like. I just know that we hit it. [[>>|141]]

Did I have to be at the top of the food chain? Is no one going to help me? Am I stuck here in the dark? Am I going to die in this house from alcohol poisoning? Do I really mind? I don't think I mind. I sort of do but not like this. It's easier like this. [[>>|142]]

"You're hotter when you're bigger anyways.". "You're like tiny though," I mumble. "It's a bit-" She coughs, cutting me in the midst of my teasing. "It's not intentional.. I just burn off my calories really fast," she stirs her tea absentmindedly. She doesn't really like it much but she tries different flavors anyways. [[>>|191]]

When there is no more vodka, you dig under your bed. You go through every drawer. You find every bottle you can of any substance. It burns and it hurts, yet you know you can survive. You throw up. You continue. You're still alive, so it must not be enough. Is it ever enough? I don't know. I don't know. [[>>|143]]

Endless sleep. Then drinking. Sleeping. Nightmares. Mother, Aiyana. Genieva. Evangeline. Various cats. They look at me from the jaw of a cat. It closes it. It closes it. More cats approach. I try to run. Too tired. Body weighed down. I am covered in cat fur. It's over. I'm absorbed into it. Cats. cats. I hear myself meowing as I claw for the surface. [[>>|144]]

why can't i be someone's bunny. why can't i be someone's bunny. why can't i just be a bunny. why can't i be a bunny. i'm not supposed to be a predator. can't i be a bunny. why am i cat. can't i be a bunny. can't i be a bunny. can't i be a bunny? i dont' belong at the top of this. i ont' want to be here. please let me be abunny. please.please. [[>>|145]]

<div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 9. MY OLD FRIEND (BUNNY) |148]] </div>

<div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 2. PROCESSING|25]] </div>

<h1>[[CH 2. LOOPING|32]]</h1>

She's the kind of person who can't hold a longterm job, and I have jobs that need to be done.. She does them all so well.. Even if she sometimes goes in places she shouldn't.. There aren't many people who can be given tasks. [[>>|34]]

I could hear it now. The patients in this town had no one to see cause everyone who got an MD was smart enough to leave. There's no one to see if you have your own problems too and even if there was someone, everyone would know you walked in cause everyone finds out about everything. [[>>|35]]

"You keep mocking me. I don't want you hear to make fun of me.. I keep you around cause.. you're good at working and you're nice.. you can't be mean to me." "I'm not trying to be mean." "I don't know what you're doing..." [[>>|69]]

<<img "cg_cat.webp">> Really. I consider myself averse to animals. They are expensive and get fur all over everything. Mother has them. My oldest friend has one. People in college would do everything to get a pet in their dorm... Expensive little things... Hm. [[>>|72]]

"Umm... I read this yuri that started off with a drunken one night stand." "Really.. and what happened?" "It's still ongoing.. but so far its' just about one person taking responsibility.. Well she says it's like that cause she likes her... Umm.. it's kind of a lot to summarize." [[>>|81]]

<div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[CH 7. RELIEF|114]] </div>

"This is what makes it feel better." I don't really remember how I felt. I don't remember much of anything. Sometimes we'd go outside. I think. It'd all be grouped into normal childhood play. I don't remember much of anything. [[>>|125.7]]

"Do you regret it?" "Is that why you look different?" "We can talk about it." [[>>|125.8]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_opendoor" "audio_opendoor.mp3">> <<audio "audio_opendoor" play>> "I don't want to fucking talk about it." Wretching. I hear it. I feel it. It hurts. Don't leave. Stay in my stomach. It's okay if I get poisoned and die on the floor of this clinic. Stay. Stay. It doesn't stop. [[>>|125.9]]

"It's okay." Someone's here. There's fingers on my back. "Don't touch me." "I have to to make sure you don't choke. I'm sorry Adelaide." "Ok..." The sound out of my mouth is pitiful. I wonder if I sounded the same back then. [[>>|126]]

Not that I can lose my job here. I own the building. I'm the only brain doctor!! "Ha ha ha.." [[>>|140]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_silence" "audio_silence.ogg">> <<audio "audio_silence" stop>> <<cacheaudio "audio_cicadas" "audio_cicadas.mp3" "audio_cicadas.wav">><<audio "audio_cicadas" play loop>> I open the door at some point. Autopiloting. If I'd had any sense, I'd never let anyone see me like this. [[>>|149]]

<<img "cg_aiyana.webp">> She stares then wraps her arms around me. Arms around me... "Adelaide, you look really bad." "Get off of me.." [[>>|150]]

Aiyana walks with me, somehow. Normally, she'd never support my weight.. but whatever.. "Sorry.. I'm disgusting." "You're not." [[>>|152]]

She stays with me. When I'd get up to get alcohol, she pats me instead and talks to me. "Do you have a preference for pajamas?" I don't know what I said. She reads to me... things.. [[>>|153]]

<<img "cg_yanareads.webp">> "Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? 'I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time' Alice said aloud. 'I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth.'" "I don't really like Alice in Wonderland," I mumble, pulling the blankets over myself. [[>>|154]]

"I've been reading it for a bit too long, haven't I?" She feeds me soup, staring at me. She never looks uncomfortable when I'm like this, even though I've been awful to her. [[>>|155]]

"You should hate me," I mumble. "That doesn't mean anything to me." I drift off again. [[>>|156]]

In and out of consciousness. "Oh, I can't explain. When I like people immensely I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy." She's still reading every time. [[>>|157]]

When I'm completed soberish, it's still hard to stop sleeping. Aiyana is still there, somehow, though she's a bit less present. Elecotrolyte drinks, broth, then soft solid foods. Sleep. Sleep. Eventually, I do, <i>actually</i> wake up. [[>>|158]]

"Thanks.." I look at myself. Sitting in this nightgown. At least I wasn't naked. "It wasn't just me.. um.. The butch girl told me about it.. your.. issue," she said, a bit sheepishly. "I mean not unprompted. I asked her, since you weren't calling or texting much." "I see." [[>>|160]]

My head hurts but it is different from a hangover headache. She's looking at me from the other side of the bed, sitting criss cross apple sauce. "Um, so," she says as she watches my eyes open. "Sorry to have umm. the sleep.. I just.. didn't want you to be in pain.. and you'd fight sometimes." Her face is a bit red. [[>>|159]]

"Yeah." She stares at me.. for longer. "You know I forgive you, right?" She looks away. "Like, you mumbled in your sleep.. a lot.. I don't think you're a bad person cause of stuff from high school..." [[>>|161]]

"You don't have to respond," she continues. "I know you're not.. you know, but um.. I love you as you are, you know.. I'm your friend." "But I know that won't help you at all," she sighs. "You already know this, don't you?" [[>>|162]]

She hugs me, again. "I doubt I have words for you that will help," she confesses. "But, um, I love you very much. I always will, ok." "I know." [[>>|163]]

She stops hugging me.. Her voice is quiet, she talks again. "Eva really likes you. She's in the kitchen by the way. She made the electrolyte mixes, prepped food, and kept you medicated.. She's torn up to know you're sad about the cat thing, so you know, maybe talk to her." [[>>|163.4]]

I gave a gift to Evangeline the night before.. what should've been a one night stand. It was a deck of cards. There are not many people in my life who are present for long periods. Aiyana is one of the few. She has also received gifts from time to time though I've realized I'm simply no good at buying for her. [[>>|165]]

<<img "cg_talk1.webp">> "Sorry about all that," I mumble. "I mean apologies that happened. I'm not usually like that." "It's cute when you talk casually," she says. "But don't worry about any of that. I probably, um, I did kind of encourage us to drink the night of our one night stand.. I might be to blame for your spiral.." Her smile disappears. [[>>|169]]

My face burns. "No. No. I'm kind of a social drinker, so it happens. It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself for my bullshit." I sigh. "It's been a problem since college," I confess. "It just comes and goes in intensity. I have been in and out of sobriety for many years now." [[>>|170]]

"I mean, um, if you like me, it's like.. a problem I've had for a long time," I can feel myself shaking. Why? That's.. She rests her hand on mine. "It's okay, really." [[>>|171]]

"I don't think you remember but a few times I had to wrestle you to make you not look for vodka." "That's awful." "No, no. Don't worry. You got really docile when you were wrestled.. Like how cats just flop over. We did give you sedatives eventually but it was partially cause you were hurting so bad." She giggles a bit. "I'm sure some people would find it overwhelming, but I'm a big girl." [[>>|172]]

"Why..?" I mumbled.. I feel myself shaking more. Her hand is still on mind. It's hard. To not pull away. It's probably the least I can do. After all, she had kept me from getting worse. "Oh.. mm.." She thought for a second. [[>>|173]]

"Alcoholism sucks," she shrugged a bit. "It can destroy lives. I'm kind of watching it destroy yours.. You're sliding into low functioning.. Or maybe.. running into it," she explained. She tapped at my fingers as she spoke. "But.. I guess.. Um.." She picks her own brain. "Your life is stable outside of alcoholism. My life is pretty stable too.. Cause I live with my parents." [[>>|174]]

"I guess.. I've been friends with and dated sick people.. Addiction is an illness.. And to deal with it alone is.. not fun. I don't really want you to owe me anything, Adelaide" "I know while you're going through-" she makes a circle motion with her free hand, "All that. You probably don't want to date anyone.. " [[>>|174.5]]

<<img "cg_talk2.webp">> It happens before I realize. Tears. Stupid things. I should've noticed the burning and stopped it, but they fall rapidly. "I apologize.." It's finally enough for me to pull my hand away as I try to cover my face a bit. [[>>|177]]

"Even this is nice.." she mumbled. "I don't know. I like seeing you cry.. It's cute." "You sound crazy and stupid." "I am crazy and stupid." [[>>|178]]

I laugh, it makes me cough. "I guess only crazy and stupid people would pursue alcoholics." I wipe my ears with the end of my nightgown and look at her again. She's looking at me, really. Like a princess... My stomach hurts. [[>>|179]]

"I'm nervous," it comes out of my mouth quickly. "I don't understand you." "Do you want to?" she asks, taking both of my hands. "Do you want to get to know me? And let me get to know you, Adelaide?" [[>>|180]]

"You shouldn't.. I'm.. even outside of alcoholism, I have problems that make me.. impossible to deal with.." "I know," she grins. "Maybe I do too." I feel myself smiling, a little. I probably look awful. Reddened face, swollen eyes.. I'm barely dressed. [[>>|181]]

"You look so beautiful.. So don't worry." Reading my mind.. She kisses me, gently, even though my mouth probably tastes awful. I don't know when I brushed my teeth or when I took a bath, but she doesn't show any disgust. It feels too long and simultaneously too short. [[>>|182]]

"You don't have to think about what that means or anything, okay, Adelaide?" "I think you're cute when you're scared or when you cry," I find myself babbling. "If you wanna see me cry, I'd cry for you. Whenever babe," she grins. [[>>|183]]

"I can't love normally." "You talked about wanting to tie me up, you know.. The night we were together. Don't worry though. I'd let you do it again," she winks. "I <i>really</i> suck to be around, Evangeline." [[>>|184]]

She just laughs. [[>>|185]]

<<img "cg_mug.webp">> <div style="text-decoration:underline;"> [[EPILOGUE (IF I SAID YOU COULD NEVER TOUCH ME) |186]]</div>

Aiyana left that same day, at my insistence a bit. She was still worried though Evangeline insisted she'd stay and hang around a lot. I just.. let her. The alcohol around my house was thrown out (mostly). Evangeline is no doctor. While it's important to not allow yourself to indulge at all when you have my tendencies, she insisted it'd be fun to drink together a bit from time to time. Strange girl. [[>>|187]]

The clinic is closed for a few weeks, then slowly opens back up with telehealth.. I always feel bad about this. Older patients have a tendency to struggle. Evangeline insisted I stay out of the office though. But, I did not stay in my house. Sometimes, or perhaps, often even, we'd go out. She'd take me to the library to work, we'd eat at a restaurant, or waste time at a cafe. Today was one of those days. [[>>|188]]

<<img "cg_cafe.webp">> She watches me sip my tea. I watch her back. "You look kind of scary when you look at me like that," she says. "I maintain RBF on purpose to be left alone," I explain, setting my mug down. She eats at her pastry, then hands me a piece. [[>>|190]]

"I've been wondering for a while. Are you only horny when you drink?" "We're in public. I can't talk about that." "Barely anybody's here, and we're both adults," she smiles, eating more of her pastry. "You only ask when you're drunk.. Then I say no.. But I feel like we might be at an impasse." [[>>|192]]

I stare at my cup of tea. It's almost empty. "Well.. No.." I hesitate a bit. "I can just ignore it easily, especially after getting into my later 20s.. I technically was hypersexual at one point, but I'm generally averse to those things nowadays." "It's not super uncommon. It's like a thing with lesbians.. Stone tops or whatever." [[>>|193]]

"Well, I do prefer drinking, just a little, before it. I can get stressed out otherwise." I drink the last of my tea, a bit less less gracefully than before. "It being ritualistic helps.. the stress not come." "Oooh, is that why you have all that BDSM stuff?" [[>>|194]]

"It's old. I don't really get intimate much anymore.. I still can't really recall why I was willing the night we played cards... other than being drunk I guess." "Cause you think I'm so cute and you like me, duh. But yeah, I was just curious. You don't need to go into it. I can tell you're uncomforrtable." [[>>|195]]

"Well, it's not that I don't want to. I mean, not that I don't want to be intimate with you. It's just.. that.. I don't know what I want. I want to be comfortable. It's hard.. for me.." She nods, listening. "I'm saying I don't know how I'll be basically... I know you think I'm attractive, so I.." [[>>|196]]

"Don't worry!" She smiles. "You could never do anything with me again. I'd wait for you forever even." "No, no, you shouldn't-" "I know you won't make me wait forever even if you say you will, so don't worry. You think I'm attractive too." [[>>|197]]

<<img "cg_cafe2.webp">> I sigh. "You're silly." "I still remember you think I'm hot when I cry," she continues. "Shut up," I can't help but laugh. [[>>|198]]

"And I think it'd be hot if you made me bark like a dog~" "Evangeline," my face gets redder. "So don't worry about it, kay?" She smiles. "It gets me off to do what you want. So I'm fine." "Okay, Evangeline," I find my hands tightly around the empty mug, drinking the empty cup. [[>>|199]]

<<img "cg_adelaideshouse.webp">> We head to my house. I .. I'd.. like to keep Eva a bit longer. But first I need to deal with something. "I will pay you 50 dollars to mow my lawn," I mumble, not making eye contact with her. "And I'll make sweet tea." "Oh, yeah! Okay." Evangeline, while eternally helpful, cannot help me with some more private matters.. I likely cannot progress in things with her until I get rid of the eternal bug. [[>>|200]]

<<img "cg_computer.webp">> <<type 30ms>> Adelaide: I didn't mean to ignore you forever. Genieva: The clinic has weird hours. Adelaide: I'm busy because I'm with someone right now. Genieva: The girl who called you a cat? Adelaide: Yeah Genieva: Raging alcoholic narcissists aren't super ideal for relationships. Adelaide: I'm just having fun. <</type>>[[>>|201]]

<<type 30ms>> Genieva: Relationships like this are temporary Adelaide: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Genieva: Why are you texting like this Adelaide: Because I'm tired of this. Adelaide: I'm tired of you. Adelaide: If you want to contact me, talk like a normal person. <</type>>[[>>|202]]

<<type 30ms>> Genieva: I don't know what you're talking about. Genieva: Are you mad because of that stuff? Genieva: I'm sorry. I've apologized a bunch. We were just kids. Adelaide: I'm not mad about that. It has been a long time. Adelaide: You just say things to hurt me then I make bad decisions. You're annoying.<</type>> [[>>|203]]

<<type 30ms>> Genieva: You're the one who talks weirdly. I am okay with it. Genieva: I talk to you cause I love you. Adelaide: I don't want that "kindness" from you. I need to move on with my life. Genieva: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I'm just going through a lot and I wasn't being the best sister. I'm still not, but we're working on it together.. Adelaide: Sucks to suck. <</type>> [[>>|204]]

Instead of closing the laptop, I unfriend her. It feels bizarre and bad. She types. I can see it, but she's unable to hit enter. It's not like she'd stay anything useful. I sit on my couch. Feels so bad. I'll see her again: when I visit my parents, during family reunions, weddings, etc. But well, now, it was nice to have a bit of quiet. Moment of reprieve perhaps? Maybe I'd go back to texting Yana more with Genieva no longer being an option too. [[>>|205]]

<<img "cg_nokiss.webp">> I prepare sweet tea. Too much sugar for a girl who is trying to lose weight, but it's fine. Evangeline eventually opens the door. "You smell awful." I swivel on the stool then stand, handing her a cup. [[>>|205.5]]

She's grinning and nods. We both drink tea, probably a bit too fast. She gets a brain freeze, and I give her a forehead kiss. (She was probably faking it.) She explains to me the solo TTRPG she writes down in her notebook and how she loves using my cards for it. I listen.. somewhat inattentively. I'm a bit preoccupied. [[>>|207]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_showerloop" "audio_showerloop.mp3" "audio_showerloop.wav">> <<audio "audio_showerloop" loop play>> Usually, the shower isn't loud enough to drown out the cicadas, but I can't.. bring myself to focus.. For once, I wish I could hear them more clearly. She unzips the back of my dress... I can usually do it alone, but it's nice with somewhat else. [[>>|208]]

I'm shaking but she doesn't remark on it. She helps me take off my clothes, then pulls off my bloomers and the underwear underneath. I face her, and she clearly is trying not to react much. I guess she's also anxious despite undressing me before. She lifts her arms, and I pull off her shirt. I unbutton her pants and let her do the rest, feeling slightly awkward. [[>>|209]]

We step into the shower. Her hair slowly loses its volume as it flops down. She pushes it back, and I can't help but laugh a little bit. She also giggles a bit. It's hard to tell if she's blushing from the situation or the heat of the shower. "I forgot about your hair gel." "I did too honestly." [[>>|210]]

<<img "cg_together.webp">> I grab a rag and find myself looking her up and down. I hadn't really seen her naked like this, or if I had, I didn't remember. Small breasts.. Her body is toned despite being then.. She's cute. Her eyes are also scanning me... I guess it's only fair. [[>>|211]]

"I've had a bunch of surgery. I'll .. have more surgery." "I'll help you recover." "I'll keep getting older. I'm older than you.. I'll age faster." "It'll be hot." [[>>|212]]

"I could have liver disease.. I. I- I'm silly.. I'm gonna hug you, okay." "If you want to." She still smells a bit sweaty. Skin is weird when wet like this. I crawl my fingers across her spine, feeling its curvature. She's got scars too, probably from being outside all the time. [[>>|213]]

I stay like that, for much longer than I intend. It was nicer.. Than I thoughht it'd be.. "Can.. I hug you back?" "Yes, please." [[>>|214]]

Slow and steady.. She holds me, but doesn't explore me in the same way I did her. She just stays still, breathing me in. "I could stay like this forever," she mumbles. "I don't really need anything else." I just hold her. She doesn't need to me to say anything. [[>>|215]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_daisybell" "audio_daisybell.ogg">><<audio "audio_daisybell" play>> <<cacheaudio "audio_showerloop" "audio_showerloop.mp3" "audio_showerloop.wav">> <<audio "audio_showerloop" stop>> <<img "cg_credits.webp">> <h1>[[THE END|215.5]]</h1>

Yana likes to lend me fiction, but it's hard to read when they are this loud. I try. I open various books, images with girls in love cover the pages, but all I can think of is the round bodies in the grass, screaming. [[>>|86]]

<<cacheaudio "audio_cicadas" "audio_cicadas.mp3" "audio_cicadas.wav">> <<audio "audio_cicadas" loop play>> <<img "cg_adelaidefield.webp">> You can press enter to proceed throughout this novel though on this particular page, it will skip the content warnings. <h1> [[BEGIN|PROLOGUE 2]]</h1> <h1> [[CONTENT WARNINGS|CWs]]</h1>

<<img "cg_computer.webp">> <<type 30ms>>Genieva: Trying to look 18 until you die is childish. Adelaide: Where did I say I wanted to look 18 Genieva: You basically said it. <</type>>[[>>|96]]

"She's been here the whole time?" "Well, she had work sometimes.., but she's here a lot.. She also didn't think.. you'd want her here.. long.. Um, she's like... cute.. you know.. and she's seen the worst of you.. so.. You know." "Yeah, I know." She gives me a thumbs up. [[>>|163.5]]

"No kiss," she pleads. "Too smelly. You can use my shower if you want and also-" She stares at me, longer. I don't know if it makes it easier or harder. I twiddle my hands, lacing them in hers, despite the sweat. "I'll shower.. umm.. with you too.. I guess." [[>>|206]]

"But I just.. like you. I like how you dress. I like when you get tipsy. I like how you have your own house and clinic. I like when you're mad.. I don't know. It's probably sounds simple. I'm pretty simple." "I still don't know you as welll as I'd like but.. I want to get to know you better." [[>>|175]]

"I don't know why Evangeline would like me." "I mean at one point I liked you.." "But we're all adults now, Yana. It's not the same as back then." [[>>|82]]

MADE FOR DAYDRINKING JAM AND AMERICAN GOTHIC JAM THANK YOU FOR HOSTING LUNATICKER, NADIANOVA, AND MASHA (DAYDJAM) THANK YOU by CD-RR0M 💿, PORKSBUN, AND FISHER FOR REHOSTING (AGJ) [[>>|215.6]]

I died during this jam many times. I was not really sure I'd finish, but here I am. I do consider this to be a prototype in the end. My time just wasn't well spent, but I did learn a lot. Thank you for reading in spite of its flaws. I hope to revive this story in the future. Smiles. [[>>|215.7]]

This game contains depictions of alcoholism, discussions of SA, and other things related to mental illness. While it is technically a game free of any graphic discussions or depictions, please do keep that in mind. Stay safe!!! [[>>|PROLOGUE 2]]

<h1> [[START OVER|INTRODUCTION]]</h1> <h1>[[ASSET CREDITS|FREESOUNDSHIT]]</h1>

<h2> - Knock_on_door.wav by Philip_Daniels -- https://freesound.org/s/244325/ -- License: Creative Commons 0 - Shower Running Loop by marb7e -- https://freesound.org/s/674394/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 - loopable_ambience_lamp_1 by nx31nx13 -- https://freesound.org/s/852382/ -- License: Attribution 4.0 </h2>