i'm out of bed, but was in bed until 4:20. rather embarrassing and shameful really. i actually woke up at 8AM but was so overwhelmed by the thought of washing my hair, id ecided to go back to  bed. then ended up having constant nightmares.i'd wake up over and over in each dream, but little things would make me realize i'm not awake. like being too short toreach the door handle. i wastoo scared to stay asleep at some point because i kept dreaming about a man trying to shoot me and probably some other things i don't recall. 

this is a sign that i shouldn't be sleeping all day and i should really listen to it. it's hard to go outside because of the heat, but i shouldn't spend hours in bed as a remedy. it's just..i'm even tired of my computer..? isn't that wierd?

i think this boredom is very bad, so tomorrow i think i'll pick back up actively studying Japanese though i'm not sure where to start. citrus recommended i go to the site lesssons and doing some kanji study which i will do, but i think i need something more.. methinks i'll practice writing by hand again. but i'm rather lazy and hate doing this. it's not particularly useful to me either outside of writing the radicals in Jisho for looking up unknown kanji, but even when I was actively writing Kanji and motivated, i was rather bad at it.

i don't know. i just know i need to beat this boredom fueled lethargy before it becomes something much wose. when i woke up at 8AM, i knew i could get up but just didn't have the desire to. i can draw in the evenings, i can do homework in the evenings, and i'm tired of school and my room always feels too messy but i hate going into study rooms. cleaning my room never takes long.. yes.

i will beat this for sure. now i'm going to go wash my hair and wash some movies while i blow dry it. i need to make use of time before i have a job that makes me wake up at 6AM and sit in an office most of the day. yes.

a girl named tuna recommended an anime for me to watch. i'll watch it as my hair dries.. but to be honest i hate blow drying my hair.. i'd must rather twist it.. but everyone places emphasis on blow drying it so maybe i should make it part of my routine.. but my hair acts the same whether i twist it or blow dry it anyways.

so i'll just twist it bc that's what i like to do and why do something else when i know my hair acts the same way anyways. i just hate when people don't think i know how my hair acts. i've had other people blow dry it too.. but it's the same every time.. twisting vs not blow drying. 

i going to buy some mousse today too. but i think i need to give up on twist outs maybe in this humidity, but i'll try a bit more. i don't know lol. research time.

also goddessofblood (Sienan) gave me an easy stir fry mix. i usually just use teriyaki because i'm lazy but this was a foodhack and god knows i love foodhacks (it's how i used to make omurice.. wow i should make omurice). i hope to add a search function to this blog soon so i'll be able to find this easily.

"For sauce I mix Soy Sauce with 'Yum Yum Sauce'.  Somewhere around a 1:3 ratio? Its pretty forgiving, though too much soy sauce will drown everything.  Anyways, then add garlic, a pinch or two of ginger, and curry powder. I don't, have specific measurements. As long as you use less than like,

2 tablespoons (alot) of garlic or curry powder it should come out tasty :)  And super easy to make.  You can add more/different spices too. Sometimes I'll add some chili oil :) For an extra simple meal, I'll pour the ingredients on veggies in a bowl, mix, and throw in an pre-heated frying pan.

Its very much a 'food hack' & i'm sure tastes different from a normal sauce but.  Its so easy and tastee :)"

writitng this has motivated me! everyone has been so nice and i have so many activities everyone has given me. stir frye, anime, HAM radio, and lots of reading (though i haven't been in a big reading mood jaja). i have eleanor oliphant from antique store i can eeven read while in bed. i should set it on top of my CRT!

soon yaye market will happen and i'll be busy with table setup 24th! 25th i have bday bakery day! 26th i go out for high tea with friends! the bed was sucking out my energy but i can do it! 

Hello! Hello! I wrote this entry and got to 900+ words then accidentally deleted it. I've done this multiple times but that entry was actually interesting to me, so I finally added a confirmation script before closing the page. It works easily and I found it with a simple Qwant search on stackoverflow. I am such a clown, but well, perhaps it was best to direct inwards anyways.

Anyways, that's okay. We'll see how much I want to talk this go around. Today I stopped by the Post Office and got a letter from the largest medical provider in the area that I could now get medically necessary procedures free of charge until December. Isn't that delightful? I am a bit worried about what they deem to be 'medically necessary' but I hope to call them tomorrow and ask about it.

Coords that aren't really lolita but still use my lolita sensibilities are fun. My hair and the sockless rhs combo reminds me of VW. It'd be perfect with a big chunky orb but the rosary my wife gave me makes me happy too.

I will now talk about Elisity's birthday. We went to a more rural part of Appalachia, and I rode with Elisity. I stopped by her apartment and met a cat named chicken nugget. I saw him when we were in the parking lot from outside the window. Orange, pretty sweert. He sniffed my fingers, but didn't seem comfortable with me rubbing him, so I didn't attempt to. 

I stood around a bit awkwardly, but it was nice talking to Elisity's friends. It made me feel very normal. Which I know sounds weird, but I've been rather on edge. Thinking about my abusers because a recent situation is playing out in a similar way to the end of that friendship, but well, it's not nearly as bad. In truth, I am not mad at anyone and msotly just upset because it's sending me back to the past. I am gettng overly cautious, avoiding people, asking for reassurance. Everyone in my life now is very sweet to me about this, but I'm still always scared.

Elisity's family member is one of those people who has lots of unfinished projects across their land. I have some family member's like that too but I'm not on their property too much outside of family reunions or random visits with Granny. Granny and I don't go out as much as we used to since people tend to get more disabled as they age, so I don't get to visit those places much anymore. This place felt very homey to me but also different in that there were so many hills. 

Rural areas in different regions always feel like home despite the qualities that are alien to me, so this ended up being one of my favorite lolita meets. I also just love being invited to birthday parties. I don't remember the order in which everyone arrived, but of course when Heather came, I followed her around like a small duckling.

She wore a blouseless coord and looked so pretty! She also had a parasol, and we took many pictures together.

i like these pics a lot because we're reminiscient of mushrooms

We took more too. I got a candid of her looking into the distance, and I wanted to get a pic of us showing off our rings. 

 
Make shift brass knuckles huh.

I am so happy I have a tripod now and am not really shy about taking photos. Heather likes them as much as I do, so it's always fun going to meets with her. She isn't into creepy things as much as me, but she does like cemeteries! Perhaps because it's a location alt people go in general across all subcultures? Or because they're beautiful and have lovely statues? I should ask her about this someday.

I took photos with other friends too and also captured some video of us meowing happy birthday.

We never take photos together for some reason. Eden doesn't come to many meets, and when they do, I guess we're usually focused on other things (like eating sushi). These are probably some of the only proper photos I have with them?

You guys don't know what I'd do to eat more of these scones.. I just messaged Elisity for the recipe

The food was yummy, and the table was cute. There was more, but I was at the end of the table, so pictures were hard to get (and also I didn't want to snap while people were chewing). The cake was also cute though I didn't eat a slice because I'd stuffed myself with chicken salad croissants.

Elisity and her cake

I asked Elisity for photos too. I don't think we get to hangout a lot despite being at the same meets. I like Elisity because she is always stating her mind without worrying about how she is perceived by others, and she's a smart and strong person. I really respect her a lot!

today she wore sweet!

She wears sweet and classic and is considering getting Gobelin teddy. If she does, I will make twinning happen. Elisity comes to enough of the meets that I can ask her about it consistently, and she isn't too far from me either! It'd be a different cut and color, but i still think it'll be so cutes.

At the end of the meet, I started to get a headache. I was in and out of Heather's car cause.. I wasn't paying attention when brewing my teas and drank caffeine. I also drank sweet tea which also had caffeine. So I Died. I sat in the car listening to migraine sounds, but found excedrin in my bag. Eden brought me water, and I took it.

It did start to rain though so I got back in the car because being wet makes me insane lol, especially in that OP because it is so light. I'd be a soaking wet cat. I felt bad for not cleaning up but rain. 

Elisity and other friends went to Miniso and out for Hibachi, but Heather took me home since she was headed back and I was dying a bit. I wanted to go, but I was a bit tired and also broke and I knew if I stayed out, my headache would not get better.

The meet was very insightful to me. I like seeing everyone talk and their views on things. We talked about Ethel Cain's past racism which made me comfortable since people spoke prettty candidly on their thoughts. It's on my mind because when riding back, Heather and I saw this big confederate flag that said 'heritage not hate' (which makes no sense).

I don't really hate anyone for their beliefs even if I don't feel safe around them or want to stay away from them, but hearing a lot of my comm members talk openly about Ethel's actions was nice to me. I don't listen to Ethel because I don't like her music, so I didn't have many thoughts other than 'it doesn't surprise me' because a lot of people from back that sphere back then (nicole dollanganger, lana del rey, etc) were weird in various ways (including being racist), but well, I like.. that they thought about how they wanted to engage with Ethel's work knowing she was so openly racist and still does weird shit from time to time.

It's like..hard to bring that kind of thing up to people so I avoid doing so. Truthfully I avoid doing it myself because I don't really care a lot of the time, and if I'm hanging out with someone and they start voicing things that make it obvious they don't care about black people's wellbeing at all to the point where they say things that are actively harmful to us, I can't hangout with them.

I don't expect everyone to care about us, but well, for people I am close to, it's important that they're aware of.. that. Especially in white dominated areas in the South. I experience a lot of racism but don't talk about it outside of my black friends or my girlfriend, so it was nice that they all discussed it without me even prompting them. It allows me to get closer to them...

I'm just having a nice time lately. I've been going out lots. Mom and granny say they don't know anyone who goes out as much as me haha which is a bit embarrassing but fun! My antique shops, my caves, visiting friends, tea parties, bakeries, it's what I live for! Life is scary still, but all of these activities reminds me of why it's so fun to keep living!

Even my online activities have been nice! Making new dev peers, reading lots of vns (the toxic yuri vn jam has 211 entries, crazy, I won't be reading all of them and told Kyou 'rest in peace' lovingly of course). I think I'll spend a lot of this week taking it easy. Do some dev, work on my dollmaker, artfight attacks, etc etc.

Thank you for reading! Please stay safe, especially if it's hot where you are!

Today I had a date with my girlfriend! I am so happy! It was really fun. I hadn't seen her in so long. I was decaying. This is likely our last year being able to see each other really often, and I tend to start the grieving process kind of early, so I've been in a weird state as I think about leaving this part of the state. I just can't see anything other than a depressing future,but I'm hoping my mom ends up buying a nice hosue and I like living there.

ANYWAYS. Back to date. My wife's job has been working her to death, so it's hard to see her as often, but I think well see each other more. She didn't want to travel before her kpop concert (to see SKZ), so I was soo patient, but seeiing her made me soooo HAPPY!!!

I've been so stressed because of lots of dumb bullshit, but seeing her takes up my entire view of the world, and even if i'm stressed, it's like she's a light that calms me down. It's very crazy to me. I've felt infatuation in my life and thought I was in love, but I think this is love..? I want to wait for her forever, and she seems to want to wait for me to. Even if we get seperated post college, we talk like we'll keep trying to see each other and make things work. It's so crazy to me.. I really like her.

I was worried. The ferris wheel was small and a country affair. A child checked us in lol. 

I had to use filegarden to upload these, my files got really mad at me lol, so if filegarden goes away, sorry loool. I was being cringe in the video so uploading it iin its original form would've been a bit embarrassing.

Rain is better at handling rides than I am actually lol. At first I'd check in on her but by end, she made sure I was okay to ride the ring of fire!! I felt kind of embarrassed, but it was also nice. I'm usually the bravest and checking on others, so it was new to me.

The ferris wheel was really fun. Admittedly I was excited more the idea of a date at the fair. Rain liked the fair itself a lot though I did too by the end. I was worried, but she seemed really delighted, and I also got really happy and excited. It was fun listening to music and everything. It made me think about all the places I want to go with her, and how much I love her. 

with the privacy of the ferris wheel, i gave her a kiss!

The rides were really nice to me. There was one, the Hurricane, that was very intense, and of course the fireball was too, but they were both really fun. Hurricane played good music, and the ride casted shade over the grass. People were moving chairs to sit in the shade, so we did too a few times to eat or relax after riding. I'd be a bit dizzy sometimes haha!

I really love her. I really really love her. I've never felt like this. It's weird. When we're apart and reunite, I feel like I fall more and more. I want to hold her and relax. It'd be so so nice. We decided our next date after my birthday will be something chill. I want to take her to a teahouse downtown and an antique shop that gives you a discount with $5+ purchase. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a nightgown if I go back there.

I can't wait to see my love again!! You're such a lovely person!!! I love you I love you I'm so honored to be loved by you!!

i'll probably have to split this entry and write it across the day. i'm headed to my storage unit today because i've been losing my mind and also well, my girlfriend and i are having a date tomorrow, and i'd like to wear something fun. it's at a fair though so i'm realizing rockiing horse shoes are definitelty not the move, but  iwa nt them..a nd like.. i just want more clothing optioins nyah..

i have a lot to talk about. i wore this coord to a meet yesterday. we went out for sushi, and i got a seafood roll and a dragon roll or something. it had eel on top, and i love sushi with eel. truly one of the meats of all time.

i was anxious at first but had a lot of fun by the end. talking with friends nice, and i just always try to be kind even if something is making me on edge. we had to wait an hour which was making one friend antsy which in turn made me anxious, and we were the last group to leave the restaurant. next time i may call ahead, but well, comm members have a habit of reserving and then not showing up which makes reserving these kinds of events hard.

we went to barnes and noble before.t here wasn't a lot of yuri i was super familiar withor manga i was interested in in general outside of big things like junji ito. those bookstores also often have big ghibli displays which is nice.it's usually miyazaki focused so there's never whisper of the heart merchandise, but i like all the nausicaa stuff. wish i had a job.

kyou and i visited a commercial cave nearby. apparently tennessee is the cave state, and they stretch across the entire state. i wish my siblings were here- i'd take them, but my family never visits me. sometimes they come relatively close, but never really stop by. haha.

it was very beautiful. our tour guide was also a thruhiker! he hiked the appalachian trail- starting in Maine and ending in Georgia. i love thruhikers and listening to them. it's something i think i could do in another life, but i love luxury very much. i also love being clean and eating seasoned crab. i love to listen though. the appalachian trail community is interesting.. running into people, seeing them later at festivals.. etc etc. it's kind of magical to me.

kyou and i also hungout in antique shops. i got many pictures though not all are nice. some i could make better with editing, but i don't wanna do that now so you will get many in their pure unaltered form.

it was a very beautiful antique store. kyou bought me a $2 copy of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine which i am happy about. i've been rereading it slowly but surely in between activities. last timew i read it, my reading sessions were super far apart, so i would like to read it relatively quickly this time so i can evaluate it properly.

kyou is back home. they are safe, and that makes me happy. i worry i was horrible to share a room with as i move around a lot, and the last night, i was goign insane over a coding project then showered at 5AM, but i had fun.

i'm always worried, but i want  to trust what people say to me becuase people who hold resentment or dont communicate with me whent hey have an issue- well, i just can't allow myself to worry about something i don't know.

i am heading to my storage unit now. soon the website will have a game that will only be available here due to itchio not allowing PHP and me refusing to set up image arrays by hand...  it will be a dress up game, so it probably doesn't suit my itchio anyways jaja. still, it would've been fun for people to post their dolls in the comments. perhaps i will find a way.

i hope you have a nice day. hopefully the next entry is about my date with my lovely wife. bye bye!

These were some of the fireworks I captured with my tripod outside my window. I have several minutes of video though not all is in focus (you have to lower the brightness to capture glowing things in the dark without it being absolutely grainy, but lowering it too much makes the camera incapable of focusing). 

It was a delight. It made me feel like a proper photographer. I love using my tripod.. Photography and video stuff doesn't come naturally to me, so whenever I learn something or people like what I photograph/record, I'm very happy.

Anyways, Kyou came a day or two ago. They're traveling lots and staying for a few days! I'm happy. I'm a terrible host though! I forgot to wash all my sheets. I'm doing it now. Also my period started, so I'm hardly alive. We came back,and I had to lie in bed for a while just with a heating pad, and Kyou got Japanese Takeout.

We've been eating lots of Asian food but we had a burger today too which killed my organs lol, but was #worth. Kyou got that bulgogi roll, but I'd lost my appetite after eating my sushi, so I didn't try it, but when I have money again, I want to try it!

Kyou being here has been really nice. I get to help them save hundreds on meals, they help me not starve to death, and we both get to hangout and have fun together. We're both on our laptops right now watching insane YouTube documentaries. Right now we're on the GME/BBBY rabbit hole which I love sharing with friends.

Sharing documentaries with people is one way I express love lol. I did it with my girlfriend too. I showed that one to Kyou, and they also loved it.

Admittedly I'm anxious I'm an awful host, but I believe everything Kyou tells me and they haven't expressed any displeasure to me. They're always very nice. I'll be sad when they move to Mexico but at least it's just a border away. We'll probably meet up at con or something in the future yip yap.

I cleaned up my room a bunch too before they came.. made it nice and pretty lawl. Originally it was nice, but mainly at my desk. Now the wall is covered in my dresses and pictures of the kazakh metro Io sent me.

Also, I should talk about What Is It Like to Taste and general thoughts. I've been anxious lol, but everything is nice. My games tend to take a while for me to hear people's thoughts. I'm not in the largest Toxic Yuri server and have my DMs closed on every platform so no one can reach out to me either (this is for the best even if it's a bit sad), but friends have told me their thoughts, I got a nice long comment and two other nice ones (from a judge and another from Zed (hhiii zed <3)), and I think I will get more..? Maybe? Comments tend to come in slowly. It's hard for me to predict how this project will do  because it's long. It's in a lot of collections though, and I see people downloading it.

Truly I want to hear people's thoughts, and I've heard many that mean a lot to me. So I have what I want, and I've won the game. I'm happy. My friend told me she read RehAIbilitation a while ago and it made her cry. And I get random comments or messages like that, and they cheer me up. I am confident that What Is It Like To Taste is a good experience. 

ANYWAYS. I have not much else to say LOL. Since What Is It Like to Taste is finished and Kyou is here, I've been focused on Kyou and doing random things. Little bits of game dev, talking to Kail, guts, making plans, waiting for job,being in the negatives in my bank account but living foolishly, thinking about clothes, etc etc.

I'll be in a fashion show at a festival soon so perhaps I'll talk about that next entry!

"please forgive me for being so upset during my period 💧💧💧"

Today was nice. I released my Toxic Yuri Jam visual novel, and it's the largest vn I've ever made. That's really good. I'm really happy about that. I have two nice comments, one from Zed, and another from a dev named deaddeaddeath who I can recognize from a game called Heatwave, which has been on my to play list for a long time. I actually recognized them abit more from their VN stock photography which I had downloaded on my old computer. I want to distribute stock too someday.

My period started today. I knew it'd be soon. I guess it has been getting earlier in the month each time. It used to start the 15th, but now it's around the 5th (today) a lot of the time. I can usually tell a week or two before it's going to start because I start cramping before most people. I surprisingly didn't feel very emotional or anything, until today.

I got overwhelmed my the state of my finances though it's okay. I put a lot of my summer money into rent for fall, so I didn't regret anything, but I just.. am tired of everything being so hard all the time. It's hard not to cry. And doing my laundry, I was counting the socks I have. So many are missing. It upsets me, but no one in my family seems to be taking it seriously even though they're responsible for the loss of these items. I'll have to wait for mom to bring them which she'll probably forget to do , so I just need to buy more, but I don't have the money to buy more- I barely have money to buy food. And I have a job waiting for me but my college always fucks me over and this time they fucked me over by changing their hiring process. And it's just hard. Everything takes so long and is so hard. It's overwhelming.

I wish I'd gone outside today. But now it's dark, and walking around at night is not really relaxing for me. I'm crying. This is so silly. Usually I can breathe and get over things, but everything is hitting all at once. It's a lot. Life is just so hard, and I want it to be easy. I really want it to be easy. It shouldn't have to be so hard. Not this hard.

But I'll be okay. I'm happy my visual novel released, and Kyou is coming tomorrow. My fern died in direct sunlight, so I'll have to throw it away while cleaning today. My stomach has been hurting which is why I waited so late in the day to clean. Silly solly. Silly me.

I miss my socks, but htis is a nice excuse to get used to handwashing again, and.. Umm.. Buy more brand socks.. yeah.. I got nice Baby socks.. And nice AATP socks... Yeah.. I have some other socks too. Lots of cherries. I own mostly brand socks now.I only lost one brand pair, my aatp socks,but well, it's not a huge loss to me because they were.. just.. striped socks.. with AATP on them.. AATP will make more..And I think they had holes in them anyways.. And.., now I can tell ym family I can't trust them to wash any of my things because of this situation.. No one ever believed me but now it has happened. No one can ever touch my things again.

I know this all to be true, yet my heart feels so heavy. I  just miss.. having all my things. I wish my manager hadn't kicked me out in and made me move in 48 hours. I wish I had a car. I wish I wasn't disabled. Relying on other people who can't do things as well as me is stressful, and it makes me want to scream at them when I feel like this. I need to clean, but maybe I'll watch an anime... An episode or two.. 

I'll be okay. The fireworks yesterday were so nice. I got a clear video too. I'm overwhelmed now and in physical pain which is making me feel worse,but I'll be okay. Maybe I'll play Just Dance.. Probably not though.. I really do just want to go to sleep. Uploading videos is an annoying process when I'm tired due to video filesbeing a bit cursed and usually coming from my phone, so I hope you don't mind if I show the fireworks when I feel a bit better.

I want to be a very positive person. It's hard when my body is this way, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better.

Today I went outside and I took many pictures. At first, I was focused on taking coord pictures, but I began to lose interest quickly. I didn't like any of them, but I still wanted to take pictures. The campus was really empty,and I wasn't playing music on my headphones, so I just kept thinking about it being the 4th of July and the complete silence on campus.

The pictures please me. I could edit them better, perhaps I'll make an autoaction so the same effects are applied to every photo. I think I'll do this more often. I'm not sure though. A lot of my coords recently are samey, especially because it's so hot outside, and I also have lots of of thoughts but making a drawing for every single thought I have is a bit of a pain. Taking pics is faster and sometimes more fun.

These kinds of thoughts can be hard to share, but I often end up going into sad topics when I'm speaking. I'm naturally very melancholic. People consider me depressing to be around sometimes, but it's just how I am. Of course, melancholia at a certain point is unhealthy, but even as a child, I was naturally like this.

It doesn't make me sad, but I've decided I can't be close to others who get uncomfortable with my melancholia. I am just talking. I like reflecting on loneliness. It's an emotional all humans feel and ignoring it is silly. The more you grapple with it, the less it affects you. It's okay to not reflect on those things though. This is what helps me but for others it could be very bad.

Outside my window, I see fireworks. I'm kind of happy I'm inside now.I have a beautiful line of sight, so maybe i'll see even more. I really like fireworks. A lot of people on the internet complain about them.. The carbon monoxide, the loudness, scaring dogs, but well, I really delight in them. I just think they are magical almost. Chemical reactions are so interesting.

I got to see a beautiful quiet campus and now I get to see many fireworks from the comfort of my room, scattered across the city. It's not even dark, ther ewill probably be even more throughout the night. I have my camera on my tripod set up to record them. The tripod gets really tiny, so it's on my desk. Isn't that delightful?

My life. is going to get very hard, but everything feels so nice right now. The fireworks, my tripod, my beautiful clothes, hanging out with friends, lolita meets,my birthday soon, my girlfriend, and a quiet summer. This summer I don't have much money, but that's because I paid a lot of my rent in advance with my summer paycheck. I think life has the potential to be so beautiful if I keep pushing harder. 

The sky isn't completely dark yet. It's this weird dark bluey green, fading into orange, but it is still very dark. If I get any good video, I'll try to add gifs in my next entry. 

I may stay up late to watch the fireworks and probably do some game development. I finished up my visual novel for the toxic yuri jam and have been reading entries periodically. I like.. toxic yaoi a lot, but most toxic yuri in manga/webtoon doesn't interest me for various reasons, but this jam has been a delight. Indie game devs really are just.. reliable for making the kind of things I want to see consistently.

I also made something I really like, so  I hope people enjoy it. It'll be out this weekend :-) It's the biggest project I've ever made for a jam, maybe ever. Measuring a game jam game with an RPG Maker game (Ommatophilia is the one I'm thinking about) is difficult, but it is a very large game for me. It's like 23K words total and has dozens of CGs.

I hope people like it. Smiles. I'm going to work on my next RPG Maker game. I feel a bit crazy working so much. I haven't felt this motivated in ages, and usually after jams I'm very exhausted. But I've been doing artfight and game dev and chipping away at commissions slowly.

I live a beautiful life!