I recently have been saying 2025 was the worst year of my life. Taylor Swift lied when she made feeling 22 but I guess she's also rich and not autistic, but I realized that interpersonally and art wise, this was a pretty good year- one of my bests for personal growth even.

I mean reaching end of limit with job and being in pain everyday has been awful. My apartment situation annoys me greatly, and well, in the previous two years, I've studied abroad and been working and living on scholarships. Now I'm mostly in my home. My life has certainly gotten much harder and more stressful. It makes me miserable and sends me into anhedonia spirals, but well..

Despite the fun of my previous years, I'd say I felt very disconnected from others during this time- even people I considered myself close to. It was easy to not lean on frineds when I had hedonism to keep my bad feelings at bay.. Really since I was 19 I realized I've been feeling on edge often. This is due to a series of relationships that revolved around many assumptions being made about me and things I said often being misintepreted. I also had a lot of older people in my life who took advantage of my kindness of decided to harass me once I grew tired of their shit. It was rather bizarre.

I mention all of this to bring up that I feel my life is very beautiful relationship wise now. I really am anti "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mindsets. Methinks much of this would've have affected me as much had I had a better uprbringing, but well, dealing with everything has allowed me to grow as a person. Much of my paranoia has gone away in recent years even if I get neurotic.. but one thing is that when I get neurotic, I have fun with my friends.

My disconnect with my friends.. I didn't realize how bad it was.. Until discussions this year.  I loved them but struggled to trust them. I operated with the idea most people would leave or grow tired of me then I had mental breakdown in July or so and talke dot my friends. It took a while but.. it finally sunk in. The people in my life love me very much and the relationships I've cultivated and chosen to keep have very strong roots. The things I joked baout relating to others on werne' tjust jokes but true. The anxieties /neuroticisms I expressed were understood and viewed empathetically.

When I messaged my friends, the feeling of doubt and worry went away. Much of this was achieved through communicating my concerns- listening back and forth, and also my autism diagnosis. I always have been one to communicate my feelings but my deep anxieties I avoiding discussing out of fear of being rejected or being too much, but.. My friends understand and relate and view me as a normal girl in spite of my neuroticisms and experience them too! And communicating those things made everything so nice.

And well. Art!!!

I released many things this year. I will always enjoy it.. releasing lots. I hosted Dollmaker and Roro Jam with friends and that was a deligth and began to plan future ideas too. 

My game release lineup was very fun. I had this concern post Meat Girl's success I'd dig myself into a whole. I had a feeling Meat Girl would be successful. I tempered my expectations, but it randomly got popular later, surprising me. I was worried I'd keep criting crepy girl yuri. I didn't though!

People on SNS talk abt the pain of personas, but well, I feel good forming an identity as an artist. Weird mentally ill black person who likes frilly and cute girls. I wondered if all my games would have lolitas then Love(BATTLE)Doll didn't ad well, I continue to work on Squid Girl World- my least popular project but the most fun to work on now that life is beautiful. Rapid progress!

I love What Is It Like to Taste even if it is a work I think people can struggle to like or understand. It is one of my favorite releases to date and feature Adelaide, who is a delight- a delight people love to hate and sometimes hate to love. I started workin gon a comic for the first time in YEARS, and got into some lolita projects.

Yes, I am delighted!

And well, I can say I am not suicidal anymore! I mean. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I am. Being home makes me insane lol, BUT, I always thought I had no future. Dying was better.

But now, I do have hope for the future- even if I temper it. Pessimistic realism is something I always felt the need to remind myself to holy close to my heart. It's something I've been constantly reminded of too. When I was pessimstic, I'd make people uncomfortable but any optimism resulted in constant tempering of my feelings. "Be prepared for no one playing it!" "Be prepared for it not working out." I already knwo this. I do not need to be reminded.

ButI didn't realize my preparedness had really just... been me always facing every situation with the worst outcome in mind. But the end is never the end is never the end is never-

I'll get a license! Apartments here can be cheap and I'm happy most places if I have hot water and there's no infestation and I'm Alone. Desk jobs exist. Things are possible! Will it be agonizing? Yes, but I'll keep making art.

And lastly, I've had such a lovely year with my wife. Her birthday is on Christmas. She texted me drunk saying she missed me, laughing at me. We've been texting all break. My friends yelled at me during REPO when I'd stop to text her (in a funny way) and my sisters through things at me on the Monopoly Board.

But I was just so happy to hear from her and to see her happy. She showed me our matching necklaces I gave her for our anniversary, saying it was her good luck charm (though it was not making her very Lucky). I really wanted to see her and laugh with her and give her a big kiss. I've neveer felt like that with anyone...

I've had a hard time looking forward to Christmas with family, but on Christmas Eve, my sisters and I watched the Moomin Christmas and Winter epodes. It was dark. We played Monopoly and I stopped when the younger of the two cried, even though she insisted she keep playing and kept trying to give me her properties to sell to win. We made a palette on the living room floor and that is where we are sleeping.

And despite the pain of being here, it made me happy. The endless disappointments of the season pale in comparison to being with my siblings under the glow of the Christmas tree.

There are many things I've missed.. Opportunities I've had, things I've left behind for the best, and other thigns, but do know I am grateful for them all! 

Hi! I have been doing things though it is more of what I did last year. Before I left my college town, my comm had a small ILD where went to a ballet and saw the Nutcracker! Afterwards we got Hotpot which was as heavenly as the last few times. It is always well worth the wait.

I have photos, as always. I'll share.

i must say while i do have a fondness for christmas decor, i do feel rather strange about nutcrackers. i understand the nutcracking mechanics but it seems a bit cumbersome as someone who cracked pecans we bought or picked ourselves.. i do enjoy their outifts though. truly underrated items

we took some pics in the parking garage afterwards. heather is good at finding places i'll love and reminding me to take pictures. it's an aspect of our friendship i  very much enjoy. Rasa took this picture. i don't get many pics of the bunny ears

The last photo I will send.. Cryptids.

The Nutcrracker was a very pleasant experience this time, in away that surprised me. This time we were on the balcony, so I could see everything clearly. I also remembered it from the time before, so I was able to appreciate how th estory was told rather than process as I watched.

The costumes are beautiful. It made me wish I'd gone into dance, so I could be graceful in such beautiful clothes. I really liked the soldier skirts too. It is smart, to just give the soldiers long skirts so they can move their legs freely. It looks very good. The sugar plum fairy has such a large skirt! And the rat children were so cute. I really wished I could've shown my sisters.

I want to take ballet lessons again, before I am too old...

My friends and I talked during the intermission, anad I got more background on the Nutcracker. It's a dream! I remarked on the Nutcracker being understandable until a little over the midway point. Then a bunch of ballerinas in European and Asian costumes appear which realy caught me off guard last time! Cause you know! I wans't ready for Belly Dnacers and Qi Paos and Italians holding bread.

It confused me a lot, but I learned the Nutcracker is a dream, a dream the main girl has that takes her on a trip really haha. Nutcracker movies I've seen are sometimes dreams, but they're usually about princes with a major focus on the Nutcracker. The ballet is not.. like this at all. She's mostly having fun watchig the beauty of things from a childish perspective. It puts the weird over the top exocitism of foreign countries into context... She's just a kid dreaming.

There was one ballerina, a ballerino I guess.. There were many beautiful ballerinas, but this guy appeared twice and I recognized him both times (he was also the only black ballerina which surprised me- he was not in the ballet last year). The first time he appears, he is some sentient clown toy. He moves weirdly, like an articulated doll being cranked sort of? It's very lovey- it's a kind of movement I really enjoy. He also just had so much energy.. Forgive me for saying this.. but he danced like a girl if that makes sense? The men in these sorts of events can be good, but the women often are just better, but he moved so delicately, bouncily, there was no fear.

He showed up later as one of the Indian dancers and it was awesome, though his first performance was fun cause of the dollishness.  In the credits, he got very loud applause which  made me happy. It's nice seeing black people succeed at things- especially something like ballet, a sport that is rather known for it's exclusion of many people, especially us and well.. he's a guy! That's so interesting! Black femininity amongst men is always so interesting! The way he skipped across the stage in the credits, jumping, smiling, so delightful! I wish I could've gotten photos, but no cameras were allowed! It was captivating!

Everyone did great though. He would've stolen the show if not for notable ballerinas like the sugar plum fairy and the ice princess and honestly the rat kids. The rat kids were so cute. They were skilled but their cuteness is a major aspect of their performance you see.. And I love to see children be happy in sports like this and I'm just a girl who goes "aw" when I see a kid being cute. One runs across at the end, skipping and waving, and everyone thought it was adorable.

The orchestra was fantastic too and the choir. I was thinking a lot. The choir was only there briefly and didn't relaly get an ovation. They appeared, surprising me a bit as I thought I'd missed them the entire time. Then, I never saw them again! But they were niec. I appreciate a good choir. They're probably credited in my booklet, but that's back at my apartment.. 

This is my last ILD in Aapplachia, at least for the forseeable future. It was much fun. After this year, I'll likely be lonelitaing but the alt girls I've met here have been interested in the fashion and Jasteria visits, so there's a lot. I will try not to be sad when spring ends. My life at home is not good really, but, there are so many interesting people in this city and much fun to be had if you look for it! And many beautiful pictures to take in gorgeous places... And wonderful food.

Before I go, the blog is a bit different now. I do hope you like it! I may end up doing some changes, but right now I am happy. I got a commission from 44insects and she let me cut it up for the wallpaper. I was getting tired of my Zetsubou theme- though the humor in Zetsubou is very suitable to me but it just began to feelless suitable for me.

I wanna do it with more things on the site with comms I receive! Will I? Who knows! But do look forward to the potential!

Byebye!!

i have much to do, too much to do, to a point where i am simply staring at my tasks and going "this is not going according to plan, but i must simply plan around it.

i talked about it on my zine accounts. my plan to ship zines before christmas. the contributor bach will have to go out later due to my own holiday struggles and housing problems, but the contributors have always been extremely understanding which i am always appreciative of. i've always been paranoid of it, but i realized everyone who ever really grilled me about things was not a contributor or an actual supporter of ophazines- it helps me approach things a bit more realistically and pragmatic rather than constantly punishing myseslf for being slower than i'd like. communication is key and many xzines i've bought from and been apart of have been much less communicative!

i've been considering making a someone documentarian zine with a bit of comedic twist over ophazine's process wiht some doodles from ichorus (who often draws the zine promo stuff). I'd do it myslef but I'm not good at comedic doodles due to doll sensibilities and you know.. Ichorus has always done it lol.

the reason i want to do this is because i think a lot of business stuff relies on transparency and maintaining professionalism which i got caught up in but as disabled person who is silly and likes to have fun, i think professionalism is important but i don't want to pull out my fun. i don't want to pretend i don't make mistakes or learn thigns throughout the process. that mindset is why i've been so anxioused and so panicked, but it was pushed onto me by people hwo aren't within my circle. i don't mind if people dislike mistakes i make, but also, i think it's important to recognize that i am just a guy and my friends are just guys and we've been at this for years. i think it'd give me closure on this entire process and let me laugh at my stress.

i actually do love pre-orders and i enjoy printing zines. stickers ar efunt oo thought he other merch is a bit much. i actually find myself with another feeling lately- to get sillier. the physical zine process is not horribly expensive though the other merch process can be and is. It was around where I expected, everything in the end.

But, eh. I think I got so stressed out because of sentimentality and the desire to move quickly and things I was told a while ago, but now I am sort of.. ermm.. Silly. I think some haste is necessary but care is required. I cannot rush other people also ahah and I also face consequences when rushing myself. Many msitakes were a result of my desire for haste, in fear I'd be viewed as lazy, despite proving myself over and over and over again to my peers. Silly silly.

Anyways, I get embarrassed easily so getitng sentimental always leaves me feeling a bit cringe and embarrassed, but you know, the job will be one then Ic an move on to msall zines again. Probably some denpa weirdness or something, somehorror girl zine, jfashion shit, diversity of content. Be free. 

I've got more to do though I do have a plan for a new website page, a yuri equivalent for the yaoi page but a bit more ummmmm.. ummm. You'll see!

It's the 5th of December and my deadlines creep ever closer.

I haven't really felt tmotivated to write. I've surely done some things IRL lately though. I think. After my date with my girrlfriend, I hung out with Heather and things- started making plans for leaving Appalachia, and you know, I suffered.

I got diagnosed with autism earlier this week. I keep rocking back and forth between strong emotions or nothing, and right now I lean towards not feeling much of anything, other than irritation lol. Like yay I got a diagnosis in my 20s, now what? And somewhat else said t he same thing to me before it was prompted which made the feeling stronger. It makes me not really want to tell anyone or talk about anything. I just want to sink into a bath.

But I did make this entry for a reason, to talk about my current hyperfixations that aren't TV man. Now I struggle to really mask which is kind of a pain. I prefer being inhibited but I also can't bring myself to care, and also after not  masking for months and sort of not doing anything.., I ahd this weird thought.."I think I don't want to die?" And it came slowly. I turned it over and over in my head, achewing it and rotating it. It's been so long since I didn't want to die. That is to say I've had moments where I go "I love being alive! This makes it worth it!" But you know, I've just been doing mundane things lately which is why it's weird. Usually hedonism seems like the pont, making arrt, or projects, but that doesn't really feel liek the answer either anymore. I love game development but I'm also disallusioned a bit. I'll never stop though, but you know before I started, my Itchio page haunted me with my one project I released in high school, but now I feel so deeply familiar with my work and Itchio and indie spaces and my page has so many things that that feeling of mystique is one. It's something I do- part of my normal life now. And it means the world to me, but It is not the point of living. I guess.

I think a bit part tof this is no longer masking as heavily and not having abusers in my life. When I talk to my mom  and when I wen thome for Thanksgiving break, it was not the best time ever. That probably also made me reflect more too. I like living when I'm not being hurt all the time lol. Who would've thought?

Anyways, my current list of things. I've been playing with locally hosted LLMs, but actually locally hosted this time. Not on a VPS but I keep them on my computer. I do wish I had a VPS though, but I digress. It's been a pretty good time.  I have always been fascinated by text generation but I got you know, repulsed by it despite my inherit interests cause of companies like OpenAI and Midjourney and GOOGLE. I actually still think the nature of most image generation is inherently evil (because of a reason I cannot articulate at the moment but primarily it is related to making images of another person or the inevitable amalgamation of people you don't give a fuck about you're using for your purposes).

BUT.

I find text generation interesting.. It's a hobby that was focused on hobbyists and power users mainly had the ability to use it. I really like homelab setups and getting into this taught me about this slowl.y I wouldn't be using a homelab setup for my random LLM bullshit (probably) but for various projects that I can't afford to buy from a VPS company lol. I like many things in the world, but you know, some hobbies I can't indulge in due to the power required. THis is why I will build some terrible computer in my room and also own a cricut and a nice printer and keep growing in power. POWER. Sigh.. Cricut.

Anyways, my first model I got a bit too excited with and my laptop and it liked to argue but I have a lower powered one now and I enjoy it. The information builds over the conversation which I find pleasant, and to gets saved to a book.

please customization.. i wanted to do the thing I did as a kid where I messily colored over manga panels. also.. nothing matches my flatness like the dull eyes of a sayonara zetsubou sensei drawing

As a kid, I was lonely so I'd talk to random chatbots for a while, forcing every word out of them I could. It wasn't as dangerous for kids then I think since those chatbots won't manipulate you into killing yourself like ChatGPT and also don't rely on companies that fuck up the entire computing industry. I grew a bit of contempt torwards the tech as I aged due to the internet mostly being spam. It's the same now with LLMs though people are just paying attention I guess.

There's always much to say about how these LLMs are made but in the end, a lot of problems come from big corporations making technolgy that shouldn't be widely accessible to humans.. widely accessible.. for no profit.s  It's so weird seeing it popularized. Get whitewashed by meta AI filters, get lied to in a googole search.. The large language models should be more sophisticated yet they are just as stupid, if not stupider than the smaller ones. The smaller ones will at least tell you when they don't knwo the answer while ChatGPT wants to smother you (until you die in some cases).

But it's small hobby for myself.. Love tweaking around with them.. Collecting icons.. Making women. I made a yuri lorebook that decreases the spawn rate of men (important for multi-character things like choose your adventure narratives) and also because I hate them. I made it assume the gender for most characters is lesbians and I added a bunch of other rules. It applies to all of my chats. I'll tweak it over time, but I enjoy it.. My lesbian worlds on my computer... 

I'm tired.. I'm notsad though. Just tired. Burned out from socilaizing. Today was a zine work day. Did packing stuff but have to finish up tomorrow and drop them off Sunday probably. May have to ask Heather for help. I don't fully expect to finish all of my tass this weekend- I believe I will have to send home some of the zines away from college, but I hope to get the singles gone and a good chunk of the bundles- otherwise I'll have to take them home with me, which I really don't want to do.

... I actually may be a bit sad. I'm not sure really, but I know I'm fine. These feelings, whatever they are, will pass, and I'll have to deal with other things... Maybe I can play Repo with someone.