eval on tuesday
Posted on: 2025-11-06 06:44:00

On Tuesday I have an autism evaluation. Isn't that neat?


I've had many things to write about. I did sit down to write one of them, but there's a bizarre bug in the blog I cannot place resulting in entries sometimes failing to be saved. I'm silly and like to just publish things without checking. I had this feeling the entry would not publish, and yet I didn't do anything before it failed to save. Why do I not care? About these things I've worked so hard to build?


On Tuesday I have an autism evaluation. Autism evaluations. Does it really even matter? I'm anxious about not getting diagnosed, but if I do, nothing will change. Nothing will change. The world is not any easier after diagnosis. If anything, it gets a lot harder.


Everything sounds the same and is the same and everything is the same everyday and I can't keep track of time passing and I'll be jobless in some weird endless spiral. But maybe I'll have an autism diagnosis! Or maybe I won't! What does it matter? What do I do?


People will still call me mentally ill or call me the R slur in a convoluted way. I'll make games in fear of death approaching before I can say everything I want to say. But am I saying the things I want to now? I'm not really sure at all.


Will I get results the day of? Or will it take months? If it's a no, how will I feel? Things have gone wrong in every possible way this year, and I really hate everyone for allowing that to be the case, but ultimately it's my fault in the end. No one is obligated to care about me. Whether or not I have a disorder. 


I've been playing games with Citrus. That's pretty fun. And sometimes going out. But it never feels like enough. I feel like I'm in some constant melted state, and nothing will help me recover. Everyone is laughing at me. Everyone can see I'm a loser, and they're laughing haha! But at least I know I'm a loser and I'm having fun when I'm not in despair!


I've been playing Lethal Company and REPO and Stardew Valley and Second Life and going out with friends but the agony doesn't leave. I'm tired. You're the reason I'm tired. Can't you just leave already?