i am better today. i think i woke up feeling terrible yesterday so i was really, erm, overdramatic because the pain was so much worse than usual smiles. but i'm okay right now! it's 8:47AM and i just took ibuprofen. today i have therapy and i see my psychiatrist, but right now~

let's talk about my wife!!!!

my girlfriend right now has a new haircut. i know my girlfriend has changed her hair drastically in her life before. she told me at one point she had half her head shaved and growing it out was terrible. she dyes her hair herself often too. this time, she went somewhere and got a new haircut.

you might be wondering "why are you wearing a tiara?"
it was $9 at the antique store... and i've been wanting one

We found this strange hallway in the mall with kid's games lol. It was funny. There was this crab walk thing, and my girlfriend goes "who would do the crab walk in-" and she turns towards me as I'm crab walking. Then later she crab walked. The singular brain cell comes for us all.

i thought we could take a cute picture here
then we go got confused about two people on a hopscotch posing

The mall was technically after we got dinner. It was fun. I really just wanted to go by Miniso. My girlfriend gets confused hwen buying me gifts, and I was too stressed to make a wishlist so she ended up getting me a Kuromi towel while we were iin miniso... Now it's in my bathroom lol. The bathroom so much cuter now. I need a Kuromi bathmat. Perhaps I record a room tour today?

Anyways, before the mall, we got Dinner.. Though it was right after lunch time. My girlfriend usually orders an appetizer with sides because she's picky while I got crab legs lol. The next day I discovered crab legs only have 600 calories. For context, while I don't do OMAD, my diet is pretty similar to it and my body is falling apart so I likely should've gotten more shrimp ahah.

they saw my tiara and asked what we were celebrating.. i was vague at first because i didn't wanna out myself 
but did ultimately and they gave us icecream!! isn't it beautiful!

Smiles. I'm a private person and while I don't consider myself fully closeted, I still operate carefully hehe. I think it's obvious when my girlfriend and I are together that we're a couple a lot of the time, but I'm still not too worried because a lot of people still lack cognizance that lesbians exist (even other queers really).

I never thought about being treated nicely like this for celebrating with my girlfriend.. It's nice. I wonder if it'll happen again in the future! Are anniversary desserts common?

I didn't take pictures in my room LOL, but I wanted to play a game.. I didn't know what to play but she said she'd be happy watching. (My girlfriend is the kind of personI wanted to play something I could get through quickly, so I showed her Dream BBQ since it's a quick playthrough. I ended up seeing 2 new things which was crazy. I FAILED TO SHOW HER THE GENIE THOUGH DESPITE DOING TWO PLAYTHROUGHS.. 

But I showed her both ways to get to the top (the taxi w/ purge event and the whole wizard way). It was nice. I've shown her ENA on two dates now, but ENA is so slow releasing.. I wonder when I'll be able to her again.. I have some DVDs for us to watch so I was planning to watch The Hills Have Eyes this time, but then.. time. Time is always limited. We're hoping to see each other before Winter Break but time.

Anyway, thank you for hearing me les out! Here's an HK.

i had wonderful day with my wife yesterday but i can't write about it because by the time i got to the end of the entry, i'd be in a lot of pain. that's all i wanted to say. i am restless and in pain. want to create and 

in pian. imagine working so hard to make life you want but being in too much pain to experience it properly. imagine eating to feel better but being punished by your body for eating.

never win! but at least i saw my wife~ invigorating me~ i'm so happy~ though i died after the date~ because love is like morphine but after she was gone the pain took over and i died~~~

and no one gives a fuck when a girl in in pain! they just care about what she can give them really, so when she reaches out for help, there's nothing she can give you! you have to leave her to suffer. but. hm.

that's not really true. people helped me buy groceries today. i'm just silly and in pain so i'm being a cunt. you know. i wish i could just die and be an animated corpse! the pain would be gone! i'd already be dead! nerves can't warn a dead person!

More Mabinogi fun. I've been going through the quest slowly. I tried to do the chainslasher quest but it beat my ass so I'm doing astrology stuff right now (which ideal anyways. I actually have the chainslasher stuff maxed out with my girl who wears a rabit parka

The Battle Astrologer is a new questline from what I understand though I'm not sure if Astrologer itself is new. The two characters the astrology line focuses on feel very refined and beautiful so I'd be a bit surprised if they were older, but also it'd be a pleasant surprise!

She's a sweetheart too. I like both of them a lot- almost equally- despite my preference for cute girls.

For the first time in years, I am engaging in yume shipping. This is hard for me as I simply feel beyond most things, but I like Blaanid a lot, and she's with you always. I like the idea of the character, Staurozoas, falling in love with Blaanid but sort of never really saying it becuase Blaanid is incoporeal most of the time.

I've gotten a better idea of it. I'm not really into shipping communities, but one of my commissioner's is super into it and often commissions yumeship stuff from me, so I understand from all the text she's given me how it works. Beautiful fanfiction that is for you only. Truly the most self indulgent of self indulgent. I will commission people too when I don't have to save so much. It will be a delight.

Speaking of income. I had the google app on my phone temporarily and it kept sending me fake news about stimulus checks lol so I deleted it. But I started talking to other lolitas. A lot of lolitas got into the fashion during the pandemic cause you know sitting at home, stimulus checks, etcetera. I was a teenager, so I never got any stimulus checks. I've bought all of my lolita with money I had to work for (unfortunately), but I began to wonder what I'd buy if I came into money like that again.

And the answer.. Is I'd put it away. LOL. The fake ads are usually around $2000, so I'd put $1400 towards rent and the rest in my savings. Maybe I'd fix my Steam Deck or something. I don't find myself desiring lolita lately.. My wardrobe isn't finished, but my relationship with EGL right now is just different since my wardrobe is so large and I own so much I like. More shoes is never a pain.

Anyways back to Yume Shipping ahah. So basically I have this gothic lolita character.

She's a darling right. I had to age her up for these photos since Mabinogi ties age to height. I decided to age her down when she got rebirthed since she'd age up anyways though I regret setting her so young. She's so short loool and the day I gave her the age up potion was the day characters age so when I logged back in, she turned 12!!

I dislike when she's small. I think she also dislikes it lol. Her face is more suitable when she's at least 16 or older since she has smaller eyes.  It likely enrages her whenever she's reset to this small. It's a lot funnier when I think of her in that context- so funny I'll likely age her down again for shits and giggles.

It ended up being funnier because I like to imagine she's in love with Blaanid though she'd never tell her. So she sees Blaanid again and now she's a gothic lolita as opposed to her previous appearance. She's also really short lol. All of the Milletians can reage whenever they want and I doubt Blaanid would care, but Staurozoa would be really embarrassed about it haha.

After some time she reunites with her and she probably hates that she's so small but Blaanid obviously doesn't seem to notice. It's 100x funnier because later Blaanid fucking shrinks. 

I think Staurozoa would be really shocked by Blaanid in this form haha, but then she remembers she also reages randomly and shrinks and likes being carried haha. Of course, it doesn't matter in the end. She and Blaanid would never be together because Blaanid is a spirit and Staurozoa is a human (ELF), but at same time, I don't think it matters that much to her either. She's happy Blaanid is always with her you see?

Mabinogi big ass RPG so I can just keep thinking about her and her interactions and interactions. It's nice growing her stronger. I hope to think about bunny parka girl too (Isaacia lol), but just focused on Staurozoa right now cause of Lesbianism. I hope to make a shrine like Bunny's shrine lol. May use the same CSS. We will see.

Also my sister made me show her Mabi lol.

i like her i am thinking about cosplaying her.. so much red

i really do wish i was dead a lot of the time recently- because of burnout. i wish i could keep working at pace i used to. i wish i could've recognize pushing myself constantly because everyone around me has brains made o f sludge and they think telling me to keep going when i've already tried to kill myself several times was stupid.

"keep pushing!" kill yourself! but well, as my jobless and mental illness increases, i do more stereotypical activities which is a delight of course.

cat cat cat

mabinogi is having this leveling event, and it's really been a delight. i have been too tired for lots of games.. it's hard to even read, so  having this event where i'm autopathing and clicking and rapidly leveling feels so good. and also, you know i like dressing up, but i haven't been motivated to make outfits even in games i like.. and i don't feel like it IRL a lot of the time. it's made not buying EGL easier though you know there's other drawbacks like having no desire to live or exist and planning to kill myself at the end of spring and everything.

i'm crying while writing but really i'm just silly lol...

the end of spring will be nice. iwon't have to go back home and be treated like shit and it's when i run out of money for the apartment. since i've failed to get a job~ and america hates autistic people~ and most autisitc people don't have jobs anyways~ 

cat cabaret

I made a new character for dressing up in random outfits. Getting her up to dark diviner level 10 with the rapid leveling event. There's a makeover event where you can wear a bunch of the clothes in game right now, and at the end of the event whatever you have rented you keep (one outfit). 

I like her.. I want to make more outfits but I really love her bunny parka. Kills me.

I just got killed in a dungeon like 12 times.. 

MMOs are hard but this rapid leveling.. It sort of makes me get the appeal especially after you get access to many things.. Some mechanics I sitll don't understand but I am having fun and am looking forward to learning them. Soon Insects and I will do some dungeons. I don't think any of my other friends will be playing though a party of two is always a delight.

i haven't been able to sleep for reasons that are obvious. let's not talk about it lol. i should read some manga i've been putting off while i'm so excited...

my therapist told me having plans made for special time will help me make plans for things i need to do, but truthfully my plan i made was to go downtown tomorrow, but i think i'd rather not at all, but knowing my girlfriend is coming the 18th feels good..  so perhaps that counts as something..

speaking of. our 1 year anniversary is the 25th. i already gave her her gift though i never posted pictures here because i wanted to sort through them amongst other reasons.. but i should write about it before my next date.

i found these on an outing with friends!

But yes. She liked it. Very delightful. The Inn was pretty cute. I got it for pretty cheap with my amazing fear of bed bugs and broke aura. 

to be somewhere with someone i love. it is so very dear

once we get up thereee ♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.

The lower pics were taken on a place called the island which has some noticeable restaurants owned by famous people. The only one of particular importance to me is Paula Deen's (who yes is controversial but i love garlic roll). We actually ate elsewhere, a place full of bright screens everywehere. We stopped by a video game store too.

The ferris wheel was really nice. I thought I preferred open carriages for the ferris wheel itself, but I found the silence in the carriage to be so very nice. I didn't realize I was a bit overstimulated until the silence. It was nice seeing the glowing rides below, the billboards in the mountains, and being ??? feet above the weird conservatives below in their shitty Confederacy Cowboy hats.

The next day was fun too. The ATL comm came to Dollywood this year. Unfortunately they had some struggles with timing, but you know I was fine. I'm always happy to be with rain though it was a shame not to spend more time with Jasteria since she's nice.

I admittedly didn't get many pictures. It was Fall Festival, so I wanted to speed through to run through as many rides as possible since Rain doesn't go to amusement parks a lot. We have to get our $100 worth!!

this top one is on Jasteria's crisp camera lol

Uploading these giggling like an idiot

I was focused on my wife and the park and also a lot of people were there so not too many pics but it was a special day so I wanted to document itt despite my exhaustion ahaha. 

The park itself is beautiful though, especially in fall, so I took a few more things as we walked. It's easy to take pictures objects/structures over yourself haha! No tripod setup.

these were originally over 5000 pixels wide iphone why

I always like Dolly Parton's church being there. The second image excites me especially because this was the first year I roode the train despite coming more than a few times prior. So I got to see the park from an angle I'd never seen and rides that were currently being consturcted!

And you know I love trains. And it was so nice being with my wife on the train. The train with the music that was so loud~ Loud music~ Dolly and a blues band~ Love love looove

I'm going to fail at sleeping now. I wanted to write before too much time passed.. You see.. The memory won't be as crisp.. Thhough perhaps writing it tired is not ideal either...

LASTLY. Figured out the admin bug just now. Will I fix it? Who knows!

I recently have been rather ominous when discussing media and overdramatic. "Something bad is coming" "Something terrible is happening to me." Unfortunately, I realize what it is now. The hyperfixations.

Hyperfixations can last anywhere from a few hours to months or even years, with the duration depending on the individual and the specific interest. Short-term fixations might involve a specific video game or a TV show, while longer-term ones can be related to hobbies or learning new skills. The intensity of the fixation can also vary and eventually decrease over time. 

So, obviously you can tell it's Radio Man, but it must be understood it's been quite some time since I had a full blown hyperfixation on a character or media. Perhaps years. It's something I have a tendency to deny due to a annoying old factors in my life that led to me to becoming a different person.

Truly, I sort of forgot I could get like this.

It's not what can autism do for me, but what autism Will do to me. There are many things currently making me insane, but well, I sort of desires to fixate on a person, this desire grew stronger, but I didn't realize.. That person can be fictional.


I've been feeling very very bad- for months and months and mmonths and months. The endless cycle of shame and guilt and  insecuritty, but now I can be free and cringe FREELY. Haha, my ex roommate used to look at my interests and say I was like a wasp, a striped wasp that you need to stay away from. But he loved me. He loooved me soo much. He loved me. A groomer loved me! No one else could love a girl who's so cringe and has so many red flags. It's like hello kitty girl times 10.

And it kept repeating. More friends who thought I was special or told me I was special who'd make fun of my interest at the drop of a dime. I thought I was obligated to love them, but why? I mean I do love all humans but why? I'm a bit tired.

TRYING TO BE LIKED GETS YOU NOWHERE. Stopped being such a good and likeable girl and people got tired of me. MORE PEOPLE CAN GET TIRED OF ME.  I Really don't care. Was I so caught up in Tumblr DNi culture only to migrate to cringe culture for whatever reason? Why'd I do that? What was the reason? Tumblr DNI to cringe culture was a straight line. 

 

he's so expressive this season and also being htrown around like a ragdoll

It was slow and steady.., You know.. Being born full of hatred LOL. And like. being bullied and trying to mask to be accepted. AND TRYING SO HARD. Going to be college to be educated and proper girl..... Ignoring all media I viewed as beneath me. Hanging out with people who clearly didn't like me. Being insulted and treated cruelly by those people even in just the past few years AHAH. After saying I wouldn't let that happen~ A girl gets sexually harassed by people she called friends! That's really really sad, I think.

 

I'll keep losing people because of random things, but it's easier when I'm not hiding myself. I'd rather these fuckass losers leave me once they see how cringe I am. I've cut out the people who treated me badly and people I treated badly and other randomly threads that I just felt shouldn't be so close, so now it's just me.. 

 

I needed to meditate. I needed silence.

 

My ex roommates told me I was too much in the end. I had to get really quiet. Shrink myself into something small. But I don't wanna be small. I wanna be loud and annoying and I want to be liked for who I am! Why do I keep making endless personas just to be liked?

 

I left Neocities to avoid all numbers, yet I still kept masking because I wanted to be good and interesting despite trying to be upfront with everyone how Uninteresting and Disappointing I am. People keep thinking I'm interesting. Is it my fault. Did I trick them?

AND I AM UNINTERESTING. I'm boring fujoshi who dresses in lolita who's probably going to die in her 20s. I got yaoi baited by Hazbin and I have BPD like every tumblrina from 2014. It's really lovely you know to embrace how terrible you are and love yourself anyways. To experience insult after insult but never experience ego death, just a continous killing of the mask you have to wear.

And you know now I even think. I'll annoy my friends too much. They'll have to leave. I'll be soo cringe. No on will ever like me again.

 

I'll fujo too close to the sun. But my girlfriend and I talk about yaoi together. I talk about embarrassing moments wiht people to kill the ice. I annoy my closest friends' on purpose.

Despite all of that, I am so so looved by my friends and myself and my lovely wiife <3 They love me they love me. Even though I'm scared and cringe and a terrible person with seveeral diseases. They love mee <3

On Tuesday I have an autism evaluation. Isn't that neat?

I've had many things to write about. I did sit down to write one of them, but there's a bizarre bug in the blog I cannot place resulting in entries sometimes failing to be saved. I'm silly and like to just publish things without checking. I had this feeling the entry would not publish, and yet I didn't do anything before it failed to save. Why do I not care? About these things I've worked so hard to build?

On Tuesday I have an autism evaluation. Autism evaluations. Does it really even matter? I'm anxious about not getting diagnosed, but if I do, nothing will change. Nothing will change. The world is not any easier after diagnosis. If anything, it gets a lot harder.

Everything sounds the same and is the same and everything is the same everyday and I can't keep track of time passing and I'll be jobless in some weird endless spiral. But maybe I'll have an autism diagnosis! Or maybe I won't! What does it matter? What do I do?

People will still call me mentally ill or call me the R slur in a convoluted way. I'll make games in fear of death approaching before I can say everything I want to say. But am I saying the things I want to now? I'm not really sure at all.

Will I get results the day of? Or will it take months? If it's a no, how will I feel? Things have gone wrong in every possible way this year, and I really hate everyone for allowing that to be the case, but ultimately it's my fault in the end. No one is obligated to care about me. Whether or not I have a disorder. 

I've been playing games with Citrus. That's pretty fun. And sometimes going out. But it never feels like enough. I feel like I'm in some constant melted state, and nothing will help me recover. Everyone is laughing at me. Everyone can see I'm a loser, and they're laughing haha! But at least I know I'm a loser and I'm having fun when I'm not in despair!

I've been playing Lethal Company and REPO and Stardew Valley and Second Life and going out with friends but the agony doesn't leave. I'm tired. You're the reason I'm tired. Can't you just leave already?