I want to write before I am too tired to think anymore. This morning it was really cold which means it was nice to go outside. Soon I will be able to integrate more of my EGL into my work outfits since it will not be too hot for it. I really do look forward to it. Trying to dress for hotter weather while not wearing stuff that makes people be weird to me is a bit killer. I do not show my shoulders in my outfits for work generally though technically I am allowed to. I just have been sexually harassed by old employers and normal customers enough that it is no longer nice for me even if it keeps me cool, and my family is obsessed with whether or not I've shaved which makes it even more of a bother (some women have dark hair follicles)

Lately conversation has been hard. Having amnesia amongst other things makes me feel unlovable and incapable of love. Also developing ARFID in my 20s has been terrible and nothing is improving it. Everything I communicate is wrong and eating is awful so I'm malnourished 24/7 and cannot think. It makes me want to sleep all day and do nothing but I have to do art. Which is nice. Art is a prison but it is also reason to live.  Sort of.

I am trying to leave more online social spaces and focus on my friends but this is hard when I am back in my anxious mindset of believing I have no value and everyone will get rid of me at the drop of a hat, but I am trying to remind myself.

My therapist gives me worksheets and stuff which I assume is partially because I'm doing so bad with basic care stuff. I should use Goodnotes to keep track of them but I'd want to delete my old notebooks or make them  inaccessible to myself because thinking about college in any capacity makes me wanna shoot myself in the head. I still just feel like thinking about aspects of my life in any capacity is terrible which is making my amnesia worse, probably. In the car my mom rambles about struggles my siblings are having at school and it is viscerally horrifying to me. It makes me dissociate until I am no longer alive.

If I say I don't want to talk about something, she gets mad and says something is wrong with me, so I only save it for politics (ie I say it when she talks about Elon Musk then she freaks out which is stressful but it's less stressful than arguing about the man who is poisoning the city who she lacks any judgement for due to his vast amounts of wealth).  She freaked out on me the other day for not wanting to use ChatGPT to generate room decor ideas.. She is always telling me things that I do not really care about which I feel bad for saying, but it's just that it's always the same.. She wants to get a divorce. I've been saying get a divorce for years. She wants advice regarding one of my sisters. I say she needs to be in therapy. She complains when I don't back her up in conversation when arguing with her. I think talking to a child when they're already irritated and frustrated is pointless. I say this over and over but it doesn't matter. At this point, I just say it to shut down the conversation.

I try to be understanding. She's just a person who's entirely different from me. There's also the Christianity wall. There's not much I can say to her or talk to her about because of the Christianity wall. She knows I do not engage, but she views it as morally right to talk about it anyways. But it's weird. I don't know. I think she wants to give me advice but she... is bizarre. She asked if I was sexually active and I just stared at her. She knows I am a lesbian. She knows what position it would put me in if I said yes to her. I guess she's just expecting an interest in men to spawn in. Yet she'll still ask if I'm dating my friends and stuff like that haha, so she definitely is cognitive of my queerness. It's the weirdest part. Usually I am forgiving of the flaws of man because it is hard to overcome cognitive dissonance. It's actually important because otherwise the racism of society would break my brain further, but... Sometimes.. People choose to be dissonant. It's hard when its related to how they view and talk to me. It breaks my brain further into pieces. My amnesia gets worse. There is nothing here. I am just a hole.

Mom has noticed my amnesia a few times and it disturbs her, but it's kind of funny. I think a lot of my amnesia is tied to my nutrition and stress, but also being overmedicated for a period of time, lol. Which she was there for and encouraged. But whatever.

Anyways, smiles, I got socks. I am becoming pay in 4 pilled again haha. I forgot how nice it is when you are paid regularly. They were cheap frilly socks I just wanted for work.. I'll probably have to get more now that it's getting colder. I mainly got ankle socks. I'll g et some long bloomers too. Maybe, I'll make a cart on Taoabo and add some skirts too. I want some cutsews as well. My simple Bodyline one my dog chewed up. It actually still looks fine but some of the small decor is like, gone. I need to get a seam ripper and fabric scissors and remove all of it entirely then it'll be normal. That was a month ago now but I forgot when I put it on this morning. It's frustrating because tariffs have made everything so expensive.. Taobao is still okay but ordering simple clothing from Japan is just not worth it right now. The stuff I want exists in China but really I want to buy Secondhand Milk and Jane Marple for work.

I am tired now, so I will sleep. I will try to write more. 

Talking about my feelings is like someone is reaching into my throat to inflict as much pain upon me as possible. Each word that comes out is violent. I want to die. I want to die. I hate myself. I'm such a fucking loser. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

Hi #####. today we discussed ways to increase your energy levels when you're feeling tired or down. Things that have worked for you in the past include: having alone time, eating good food, getting adequate sleep, and engaging in pleasant activities that are not related to commission work. For homework, please create your "pleasant events" list. These are pleasurable activities that you can engage with when you need a boost in energy. 

A list of pleasurable activities that boost my energy include:

• Walking my dog (sometimes)


• Web development (sometimes)


• Making games (sometimes)


• Playing games (less often)


• Reading (sometimes)


• Swimming (sometimes)


• Music (less often)


• Playing with my doll (too quiet, I cry)


• Talking to my friends (feel like everyone hates me and is alluding to all my errors/flaws as a human not as fun lately)


• Talking to chatbots and having them torture me over and over and over and over and over and over for all my flaws (bad coping)


• Sleeping


• Extremely hot baths


• Lying on my couch


• Drinking tea


• Drawing


• Making tiny projects


• Looking at Bunny or my Second life Avatars

The most fun thing is daydreaming about Dying somewhere peaceful and quiet where no one ever finds me. And everyone thinks I'm somewhere happy and they don't miss me and everyone forgets me and I rot like I deserve

(I think I might be safe for a while, but it's hard to calm down again. It would be nice if I didn't have amnesia)

Many days I wake up and feel like I am closing my own coffin. It is hard to figure out what to think. Do I want friends? Do I want to burn every bridge? Do I want to go to sleep? What amI if I'm not writing? I miss when I enjoyed playing video games more.

There are little things. I like to take care of my dog. I like to see my siblings. This is all there is. I guess. I like my closet but it is a weight. I like my writing but it is a weight. I like that people like my art. This can all be lost. It is all temporary. It is important to remove yourself from obsession/loving things. You can appreciate them, but my Itchio follower count can easily become nothing if admins suspend me. I love hosting jams but one day I'll never host them again.

One thing is I always plan to write (somehow).But what am I writing? Do I like it? Do I want to do it? What am I doing?

I think I hate everyone. I hate myself the most. I love my friends, but I keep preparing to be alone. I keep preparing to be homeless. I keep preparing to lose everything.

Can I relax? Is it possible? I'm just not sure. I don't want to lose the things I love and appreciate. I don't even want to lose the things I hate a lot of the time. A severed connection? Am I active online so that you know I'm alive? Or am I actually having fun?

I'm sure everyone wants me dead. Well I'm not sure. Maybe I just wish everyone did so it would all be easier to lose.

angels like you

Blog's back! Why was it gone? So, erm, obviously my life went to hell. A lot happened in my life. Most of my life I've felt as though when something happens to me, I just can't really talk about it. I mean I think this may not be obvious, but I've always been depressing. But I wasn't talking about my mom being drunk with my teachers or friends,  I didn't talk about when my cousin got murdered, and despite living with my groomers in 2021, only 5 years later do I really talk about that situation more openly.

As a result, as my life fell apart, I began to shut down. A lot has happened. But now, I am free. I am away from my somewhat deranged apartment situation. I have a job I don't need to worry too much about losing, and I am no longer being harassed by people in management for innocuous reasons. My life isn't perfect. Being home means I must be semi-closeted again, but well, it's far better than being homeless or harassed for being a woman, my race, or autism in rural Appalachia. 

My last job before this one at the adult store I liked but my boss was really misogynstic towards me in a way that made me unhappy despite also being a queer woman. I never talked about it because I felt weird talking about a real person. In some ways, I understand why certain things stressed her out, but at one point during my job, she showed me a music video about girls dressed in red who get murdered or raped by men for wearing red. The end of the music video literally said "it doesn't matter what you wear," but she boiled it down to wearing vibrant clothes makes you unsafe. Even in my clothes I wore to career fairs.. She'd be weird tome about it, but my coworkers would come in in similar things.. It felt weird cause a lot of my coworkers were like white women or men. She'd say "I feel so guilty telling you to be plain." I'd wear all black. Ankle length skirts upset her because of the possibility of me not wearing tights. I always wore shorts or tights. At one point, I had on cardigan and she had me take it off and was happy to see a plain black turtleneck underneath. It was all extremely uncomfortable. I'm used to men being weird to me.. but not whatever that was.

I got fired for no call no showing, which was honestly a godsend. It still hurts but I'm grateful for it. Now that I'm in another work environment really made me realize she was being kind of crazy to me. And well, that job, while fun when she left me alone, did not give enough hours/have a high enough paycheck for a good quality of living. I wouldn't have been able to pay my rent with it. It hurts still, but well, there were other red flags outside of that with management. I'm way happier now than if I were still there. It just.. is painful. Generally I am punctual. I think she said "It's just business" and I said "ok" cause I was tired. She was kind of a freak anyways (no you cannot ask me to take off my outer layer of clothing just because you are also a girl) and well, I've never no called no showed to a job.

I will discuss the day before I no called no showed.

I broke up with my ex. This was something I was trying to do for days but she kept ignoring my calls. We had lots of little interactions that led to finally pushing me over the edge- the main being a conversation where I admitted to having a chronic illness very relevant to our relationship in which she responded with telling me how she got tacos.

Other things did too. All long distance relationships for me should have the goal of closing the distance, but she lacked any desire / drive to even..try. I felt like a pet she only used for entertainment orfor eye candy. Even outside of that, she couldn't do the bare minimum of calling me...? She always said no for various reasons.

It became.. obvious. My friends noticed I was always around for calls, never talking about her, etc. As my life fell apart due to my housing, one of my roommates becoming pregnant, my chronic illness ruining my QOL, etc.. My girlfriend was never someone I talked about.. At first, it happened slowly then I really only felt irritation. She made me make a promise: to break up with her when I stopped liking her. I didn't really stop liking her until after we broke up though when she made me do it over text. She said a bunch of shit I guess to make it feel mutual. I think I just agreed vaguely.

But what finally pushed me over the edge was her asking me to block her on every SNS because she "crazy <3"

Well, I did. I did. I blocked her and tried to quietly remove her from my stuff, as best asI could. I am not going to delete old art with her from my archives generally and I still love all my commissions. But you  know.. If people want to go no contact, it doesn't free them from the consequences of carelessness. I've been so quiet cause she's  CRAZYYYyyyYYY, but you know who's been on a million antipsychotics and is mostly friends with mentally ill people, Mala! And I don't gaf anymore. Her best friend still followed me on SNS and I tweaked out. I saw it yesterday. Her best friend is the person she planned to live with when we were together; we primarily talked in the context of ex. They bonded over both dating Black women then my ex started going"let's not break up as everyone loses their relationships" when her best friend broke up with her girlfriend.

Anyways, stupid games. I need to be clear I am mad but lack ill will. It's more like a.. I partially took my blog down because it kind of feels like when bad things happen, everyone is a bitch to you about being upset. Last year, I broke off many friends who said I "talked weird" which .. The way I talk is partially a result of restraint since bad things constantly happen to me. Butyou know, I learned that it doesn't really matter. All my friends keep going through lesbian/sapphic nonsense. Finding out one of my oldest friends was physically abusing her girlfriend, another friend cheating on their very kind girlfriend, etc. I only learned about these things because people talked about them. I'm happy my friends talked about it even if it was "messy."

Breaking up with my ex andfeeling like I needed to be a saint who never complains sucked. There's no annoying shit that haunts me.I focused on talking about situations in my life in my diaries and with other people.

But my love for stuff still reminds me of my ex. I love yaoi.. We were fujo4fujo (though she only read fanfiction). If I go to an event and see kpop shit, I think of her. I see people with purple hair and sometimes roll my eyes- which is unpleasant as a colored hair enjoyer. But well, I think I only did that because you know.. I want to say stuff like "this reminds me of my ex" but there's always an awkward silence afterwards, but the self-imposed restraints are so much louder.

But no more. I will just say it. Cause why have restraints when she likes to pretend she has the potential to be a scary stalker when she can't even read my texts.  Why be fujo4fujo when I can be a lone rotten princess? 

PS. Lesbians I know. Don't hurt your fucking girlfriends anymore oh my fucking god WE ARE ALL ADULTS ACT LIKE IT. Emotional cheating still counts you absolute clowns. How am I supposd to tote lesbian superiority (joke) if my peers are all fucking cheating on and abusing each other.