TITLE: crying DATE: 04/04/2022 06:35:48 ----- BODY:

i look in the mirror and think i am not very pretty when i cry. everything would be much better if was prettier.

TITLE: Last Two Entries Were Short (Suicide/Self Harm CW) DATE: 04/07/2022 04:56:02 ----- BODY:

This one might be short too! We'll see.

I made a webring on neocities. It brings me much joy. I love my friends. I would do anything for them and being connected to them makes me very happy. The theme is RPG Maker... All of my friends like RPG Maker. There's 2 people I am not familiar with I kind of wantto convince to join but I won't bother.

I have a job interview at a home decor store tomorrow! Discount time haha.

Not going to lie, I want to kill myself.... College approaching.  I have the money to go because of scholarships yet my disability continues to ruin my life.

My mom says I can't go to college if I'm not on antipsychotics. Lol, I should just slit my wrist. I can't.. I don't think my mom understands. It'd be nice to pay someone to beat me up I think...

I don't wanna be on meds. I am happy right now. It's not fair. I can't be on meds when they make me feel that way. She'll make me keep babysitting for shit pay while i'm horribly sick, I'll go to school and not be able t think clearly and drop out.

I should've taken the computer repair job. Haha.. Maybe I'll try to get my hands on heroin soon.

TITLE: set backs DATE: 04/09/2022 15:03:41 ----- BODY:

my dog passed away. i had this sneaking suspicion in 2021 that the time  was soon. it got stronger in 2022 and it has finally happened. i cried and cried but they were meaningful tears. I stopped.

ex roommate accident im going to kill myself if i think abt it for too long im getting hives.

my cousin may not room with me next semester.  not a major set back but sucks because i am disabled :"D i found out if i apply to be an RA my sophomore or junior year, i can have a private room plus more scholarship money which is a bonus.

um...... the honors scholarship gets rid of some of my other academic scholarships. it's more than all of them and i still get the lottery scholarships but it is disappointing.

this is  ad ay

TITLE: you'd ask me to get high and then leave me to fend for myself, my dog died on thursday DATE: 04/13/2022 13:39:49 ----- BODY:

Why would you give a psychotic person weed to calm them down, especially when you know you will refuse to take care of them to avoid killing your own vibe?

It hurts me a lot to think about. And me rejecting taking it sometimes.. I could see that it hurt you, but you refused to take care of me every time I spiraled afterwards or you'd put me in the bed.. I don't understand.

I kept warning you about how psychosis and weed interact, but you didn't take me seriously. You treated my psychosis like something I could control.. I don't understand why you'd do that.

At first I said I was happy I went there.. For the experience. But now it always hurts me. I wish it hadn't happened. I wish none of ithad happened.

I don't like the person that I am now and I don't like the experiences I've gone through.

What do I do? What do I do?

I liveblogged Pathologic to my friends today. It helped me a lot I think.. But of course sometimes it's hard to not think of you. Now I allow myself to and I find it's better than avoiding the topic entirely.

I worried about my dog passing away while I was gone. You didn't take me seriously. He passed away on Thursday. Remember when your cat passed away and you didn't talk to me for months.

I don't think you would've comforted me if my dog died while I was still there. You would've said you didn't have the energy. Maybe you'd try to get me high and I'd spiral.

The highs in our relationship were so high. I didn't think anything could match it. But the lows were so low. They were so low.

Even when I left, i spoke highly of you. I told people i hurt you... But they listened.. and listened... And they realized my perception was off. I was an unreliable narrator who'd been hurt by people who were not being very nice despite playing savior.

It all hurts so much. I just wish I was a little butterfly sometimes.

TITLE: would you feel righteous indignation? or would you feel guilt? or would you still view me as the enemy? DATE: 04/13/2022 13:43:34 ----- BODY:

i drew very lovely images recently. my art is improving a lot. i'm very happy. the eyes sometimes get very big. it's  very fun. sometimes that is the best thing to do.

i still can't find peace, but i think i'll get there one day even though it hurts  a lot right now.

TITLE: endless cycle DATE: 04/16/2022 10:06:33 ----- BODY:

Sometimes I try to talk to my mom openly and sincerely. It doesn't work very well. She eventually gets tired of dealing with my words and says I'm saying crap. I get really sad and angry and call myself worthless and wish she had a better daughter. We stop talking to one another.

It's just a wheel.. She says she's dealing with worse. I insult myself  and verbalize what I think she thinks about me. I just.. We need to be in mother daughter therapy or something. Nothing will fix our relationship. I just don't wanna be here. I'm very close to just.. I don't know.

There's not much I can do but I do know I don't wanna deal with medication anymore. It is my end goal I think. I can't keep dealing with side effects. I don't have a say over what I put in my body at this point because she keeps threatening to not take me to college.. But she acts like medicine is the only option.  I don't really know what to do about it.

I just don't want to do this anymore. I hate dealing with my doctor I hate dealing with my mother I hate medication I hate the psychiatric field.

I don't know how to talk to my mom when one of us will.

I think I should just shoot myself so that I don't have to be stuck in this endless cycle anymore. My mom thinks I'm too mentally ill to live without meds. Maybe she's right. But I don't think it's worth living on meds.

yotsu sorry

TITLE: college anxiety DATE: 04/27/2022 16:36:08 ----- BODY:

anxious about college. i keep thinking about the fear i felt in PNW but it's different.. i'll be able to call home and not hide secrets and i'll actually have time alone.

i'm still.. scared. separation anxiety. ia mlike a dog

i can't stop shakingso i can't.. elaborate anymore.. goodnight.