4.22.23 | dissatisfaction or perhaps disillusionment

i don't like my website.

it's not large enough. there's not enough pages with different content. there's nothing of interest.

i feel like i could delete most of the pages and nothing would be lost.

i'm so burned out lately. i don't have the energy to fix anything. i just. i'm so tired. i feel so pathetic. and my site is another example of how lazy i am. i always made pages with the intent of preserving energy and having wide open layouts that are easy to look at.. but now my site is just.. boring

i have to fix it.. when i get the energy

4.19.23 | i sleep

I've been sleeping 24/7. I'm not depressed or anything- just struggling to get out of bed and feeling lethargic. I've missed class a few times, but I'm trying to fix things.

I'm struggling with motivation to do things. I decided to enter the josei jam which should be really exciting, but I kind of have this strange dread. I'm writing a visual novel, but visual novels can be difficult to write.. and I've done a few random things to see if my writing isn't terrible (not officially starting in the jam, just messing around), and I'm unhappy with all of it. But. I just really want to release something new, and I'm kind of excited about this concept. I'm using tyrano builder which.. I'm mainly doing it for the web build. Renpy is superior, but I'm actually doing two projects and one will be in renpy.

Also, for context, the josei jam is a 2 month long jam where you make a game (typically a visual novel) aimed at women. It runs side by side with the otome jam and exists just to appeal to a broader audience.

My visual novel will probably be kinetic if all goes to plan and will be 18+ I think.. which is fun. I rarely write 18+ works. There's two ocs I've been quietly developing for the story. They've been on my mind for a few months now, but Zed suggested I make a visual novel about them. I'm excited though I feel like my writing isn't strong enough.. I will make an attempt though.

I've been reading other visual novels for inspiration.. Right now I'm reading Three Lillies and their Ghost Stories by milkplus. Expect that on the reading page whenever I finish it. I'm also planning to read some other things too.. It's just college is killing me. I have a few more weeks which is a relief, but that means I also have to finish all my work in two more weeks. I have a project, 2 labs, a 10 page paper, then a final.

I should really be working on my labs right now.. Motivation is just.. Gone...

Maybe I am going through some weird mild depression...

I'm going hiking with a friend this weekend. Also, I just checked my schedule.. Next week is my last week of this semester (before finals week.. I don't know if I have finals).. I'm.. I have to work now.

4.4.23 | convention

I had a lot of fun at the convention. My Crona cosplay came out well though my sword plans fell through. I had so much fun at the lolita meetup. I hope the pictures come out well. Io drew my coord which makes me soo sooo happy. I am using it on my lolita page though I'm considering adding it to my webmistress page too. I'm just so happy. I love being friends with her!

Thank you Io! You are the best

She thanked me for letting her drawing it but I was honored she drew it at all. Thankfulness circle. I have to resist the urge to use the image on every part of my website.

This weekend really felt like a dream. And my mom saw the dress on my social media and didn't talk about it being demonic or anything.. She actually said I looked cool! I was so surprised. I honestly thought I'd have to hide this dress from my mom, but her response really put me at ease... I think I'll try introducing her to lolita fashion so I can wear it when i'm home. I'm excited.

I hung out with the lolita community. We lied on the ground like we were stuck in a gluetrap. On Saturday I cosplayed as Crona.

the dress is a bit big. ignore my laundry

People asked me for pictures and I was happy. My other friends were Soul and Maka so we had a little group ^w^.

I hate to be overdramatic, but this weekend really gave me some vitality.. and hope for life. I can have that much fun with people and in a place like that. I was so worried I was overhyping it but it was such a good time. I got a nice haul of stuff. I'd post a picture but some of it is a surprise for a friend. My favorite thing I got was an NGE notebook and a kuromi notebook. I love journals. I use this diary as a journal now so i have less use for them, but I'll figure out something. I'm thinking about writing weekly game dev plans + chores + school stuff.

It's 5:36 AM. So this entry may be a bit messy. It's funny how I Always ruin my sleeping schedule without fail haha! During the con, it was really good!!! Though.. Oh I forgot to mention. I went to a frat party after the first day of the convention. 6/10. Events without food are weird. Lots of alcohol. My clothes smelled like weed by the end of the night despite not smoking anything myself. I had fun dancing though fights almost broke out next to me twice. I would prefer a rave. Wish Machine Girl would come here!!!!!!! There was a little idol performance at the con that was fun. I thought "It's funny how I'm having more fun here than at a frat party. I wonder what that says about me."