TITLE: away DATE: 08/04/2021 04:30:07 ----- BODY:
TITLE: Will I Ever Change Someone's Life for the Better DATE: 08/12/2021 04:53:48 ----- BODY:
TITLE: Art Is Very Fun and Awful But Fun DATE: 08/12/2021 05:07:52 ----- BODY:
I can and in fact will update twice today. I just wanted to talk about art and putting it after my abuse rambles felt a bit.. Misplaced.
Art is hard. Navigating art communities is difficult.
I got two messages the same day- one was someone insulting my art (though I'm not sure if they were being genuine or joking) and the other was very heartwarming from someone who read my blog. It made me want to work harder on my projects... I need to get out of this mental illness haze.
I opened commissions and got none though to be honest, I did expect this and am grateful for the commissions I got earlier this year. If I don't get anymore- I will be okay because it gives me more time to work on my own things I guess. Comic is going okay I guess. I am very slow with it but hopefully I will speed up once the summer depression ends...
I plan to do more art trades. I have a message composed for one now but I am just.. anxious, but I told myself I'd ask sometime in the middle of August and now it is the 11th.
Doing art trades is always an interesting process because I view myself as a little worm standing before a giant snake asking for them to to give me a fang in exchange for the mud I have been writhing in. When they say yes, I am amazed. I writhe in the mud for hours to give them something perfect and I present it to them. They then give me more than a fang- an entire row of teeth. Yet, they still love the mud I gave them even if it isn't nearly as beautiful as the row of teeth they have presented me.
I have one artist I love to trade with.. She is very nice. I always try very hard on the trades we do together. I admire her a lot and hope to one day reach her level. I plan to trade with her again this month as she always says "we can do another trade next month!" It is something I always look forward to, and it pushes me to try much harder as she will always present me with something beautiful! I want to match..
Writing this actually made me very happy. I will work hard on art today. Good luck everyone! May we all succeed at our endeavors.
TITLE: Messages from Them DATE: 08/15/2021 07:56:07 ----- BODY:
TITLE: Hope is for Losers DATE: 08/16/2021 17:41:39 ----- BODY:
TITLE: Broke DATE: 08/18/2021 16:54:41 ----- BODY:
I am broke. My family still views me as a spoiled brat despite the fact that I am, in fact, completely broke and my mental illness has a lot to do with how they raised me. I have to deal with one specific person refusing to have any empathy for me.
I feel as though I am regressing.. Am I a child again... It often feels as though I am regressing to my middle school self.. I am very tired. it's hard. It's hard but I'm fine I'm fine :-) Things will be okay
TITLE: The Binding of Isaac DATE: 08/24/2021 10:23:30 ----- BODY:
My name is Isaac. It's rather interesting- today I realized my name is the shared by a fable in the bible that made me drop Christianity completely.
I am thinking about it- The Binding of Isaac. There is also a video game of the same name though I am not that familiar with it. I remember as a kid reading the story about the Binding of Isaac and I thought it was really fucked up. I did not think a loving God would do that. If you are not familiar with the binding of Isaac- I will grab a brief section from Wikipedia as I don't really have the energy to do my own summary.
"The Binding of Isaac (Hebrew: עֲקֵידַת יִצְחַק ʿAqēḏaṯ Yīṣḥaq, in Hebrew also simply "the Binding", הָעֲקֵידָה hāʿAqēḏā) is a story from the Hebrew Bible found in Genesis 22. In the biblical narrative, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, on Moriah. Abraham begins to comply, when a messenger from God interrupts him. Abraham then sees a ram and sacrifices it instead."
As a child, I did not question this story, but as I got older.. It seeped into my mind. I forgot the names of Abraham and Isaac but I did not forget the story itself. I wondered how a loving God could ask you to kill your own child, and during this time, all I felt was fear. The sinking fear I'd end up in hell for experiencing emotions- for feeling love for things that were not Godly.
I remember wondering how God could never sin.. But how is a test different from a lie? Why would you ask someone to kill their child? How is this viewed as a good story of obedience when God was telling basically telling him "Thou shall kill despite this being an abomination."
If you were God, wouldn't you want your subject to protect their child? Wouldn't you want humans to develop and feel love for their offspring and family- not for an all knowing figure they have never seen?
And maybe that's why I dropped Christianity. I felt no love from bible stories. I only felt a book telling me to be miserable in order to go heaven. That's all I really wanted. I just didn't want to go to hell.. And I remember all the suffering I went through as a kid. Everyone would tell me God had a plan for me- the devil was attacking me because of how important I am.. But the people telling me that were contributing to my pain. Did my mother understand what she was saying when words like that left her lips....? When she said my troubles were the fault of the devil but drank herself into a stupor each night?
Humans want to go to heaven so bad. Maybe religion has created people who are willing to watch the world burn because they know if they are obedient.. If they are good- they will escape this hellish Earth and end up in a paradise. I could never take that hope away from my loved ones. I don't know if they'd have any reason to live if they lost their faith, but.. Why not make life on Earth heaven too?
I do not forgive my preachers.. I do not forgive my mother.. I do not forgive the people who watched me suffer in hopes that I would become a great child who serves God. I do not want to serve someone who asks you to sacrifice a child..
This was just a thought vomit really.. Fascinating that my name is Isaac. I think learning this has really helped me grow attached to my name. I don't really know if I believe in spiritual anything, but sometimes things fall into place perfectly and I do wonder if there is some strange machination making the universe work in some mysterious way..
Forgive me for useless ramble. Listen to Machine Girl.
TITLE: Game Development DATE: 08/30/2021 14:26:26 ----- BODY:
I kind of want to take a break from Ommatophilia's game development until I'm medicated or in some form of therapy... I love game development though I am realizing RPG Maker is not really a passion of mine. I much prefer renpy- I just love working that way. I like coding and changing things as I go and fucking with the engine- seeing what it's capable of.
I am afraid to take a break from Ommatophilia due to the simple fact that i sometimes take a break from things and do not pick them up again.. I am sure I would with Ommatophilia though because of my feelings regarding the story itself and the fact that I have all of it planned out and so many assets made. I also have taken breaks before and come back to it.
I might just focus on editing the written parts now and when I have the energy.. I can finally open RPG maker mv again and go back to making assets and fiddling with the engine.. Just.. I'm so tired. I need to stop pushing myself to finish things when I am like this. I guess I'm still doing game development if I write the written portions of it right?
I do need something to work on.. I have my comic though it is a bit overwhelming.. Maybe can work on a visual novel.. I miss renpy a lot.
I'm feeling a bit ill so it's actually exhausting typing this.. I am going to lie down and day dream in bed bye bye now!