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TITLE: away DATE: 08/04/2021 04:30:07 ----- BODY:

I moved out.

Now I am relaxing. the air here is crisp. i found a store to sell my art at in the future- they even accept 18+ content which was cool.. I saw an NSFW furry comic there. surely if they accept NSFW furry comic they will accept my artwork? Surely.....

I got gifts from my friends. I hung out with my friends Carson and Maso (they both have a neocities sites) and my roommates (neither have neocities sites but they are my beloveds). My friends gave me gifts too! I got a good amount. I am not used to receiving gifts like that if I am being honest. Family gave me money for graduation and my birthday this year but for the past few years I have not really received presents other than the birthday celebration itself.

Favorite things so far have been my Yume Nikki merch given to me by roommates and the watercolors given to me by my other friends. I've been using the watercolors for a piece I'll probably post today and maybe use as the cover for Squid Girl World. I actually finished it a few minutes ago and am flattening it under some books because it got rather warped... Should buy some painter's tape soon.

I got other cool gifts from them too, but just know they were great! I loved them all. I even got art from friends this year! I love receiving art as gifts. It makes me melt. I hope I can properly express my appreciation some day.

I've been rather tired since leaving home... A lot happened. I am in contact with my family again and it's going pretty well but I'm exhausted. Sometimes they ask if I'll come back. I don't think they realized why I left despite my emails explaining. I do miss them despite them hurting me over and over again.

Oh well. I'm very tired. I went walking with my roommate some days ago. I hope we go again soon. I am happy I can finally leave home and do things. I still feel this sense of impending doom Every Single Day but I have people who understand now and are gentle with me.

My life feels not real.... Things are nice now. Isn't that wild..

TITLE: Will I Ever Change Someone's Life for the Better DATE: 08/12/2021 04:53:48 ----- BODY:

When you move out after years of being hurt, you are not immediately happy. In fact, you might feel worse. You might feel a lot of regrets and you can relapse to how you felt in middle school- scared and anxious of being rejected all the time. I don't want to leave my room ever nowadays. I'm uncomfortable being around others, but I am also desperate to talk to new people in real life.

In middle school, I used to sometimes crave to feel strong emotions because of my anhedonia hazes. I feel similarly now, but I am not in anhedonia at all. I miss my ex- the one who treated me horribly. I miss that pain and desperation and having someone to look forward to even if they scared me. Now I am the one making myself miserable...

I want to keep busy- maybe get a job, but my roommate doesn't think I'm ready. I should work on artwork but I often feel too miserable to move. Sometimes I lie in bed and just sob and hope no one can hear me. It's a bit pathetic.

Yesterday I thought about being mentally ill and how I will always be too overwhelming for anyone. My family treated me not very well when I was like this- they did not approach me with gentleness, so why would someone else be gentle with me? Sometimes I wish I could sob in someone's arms and they could be happy I relied on them and be there for me all the time- The relationship doesn't matter; it could be a lover or a friend or a pet even.

I don't.. feel good. I'm.. tired. I am so so tired.. This entry was negative.. I have more things I'd like to write about soon but this entry is much too long..

I will share a song I like so that it isn't just.. Dreary thoughts.

TITLE: Art Is Very Fun and Awful But Fun DATE: 08/12/2021 05:07:52 ----- BODY:

I can and in fact will update twice today. I just wanted to talk about art and putting it after my abuse rambles felt a bit.. Misplaced.

Art is hard. Navigating art communities is difficult.

I got two messages the same day- one was someone insulting my art (though I'm not sure if they were being genuine or joking) and the other was very heartwarming from someone who read my blog. It made me want to work harder on my projects... I need to get out of this mental illness haze.

I opened commissions and got none though to be honest, I did expect this and am grateful for the commissions I got earlier this year. If I don't get anymore- I will be okay because it gives me more time to work on my own things I guess. Comic is going okay I guess. I am very slow with it but hopefully I will speed up once the summer depression ends...

I plan to do more art trades. I have a message composed for one now but I am just.. anxious, but I told myself I'd ask sometime in the middle of August and now it is the 11th.

Doing art trades is always an interesting process because I view myself as a little worm standing before a giant snake asking for them to to give me a fang in exchange for the mud I have been writhing in. When they say yes, I am amazed. I writhe in the mud for hours to give them something perfect and I present it to them. They then give me more than a fang- an entire row of teeth. Yet, they still love the mud I gave them even if it isn't nearly as beautiful as the row of teeth they have presented me.

I have one artist I love to trade with.. She is very nice. I always try very hard on the trades we do together. I admire her a lot and hope to one day reach her level. I plan to trade with her again this month as she always says "we can do another trade next month!" It is something I always look forward to, and it pushes me to try much harder as she will always present me with something beautiful! I want to match..

Writing this actually made me very happy. I will work hard on art today. Good luck everyone! May we all succeed at our endeavors.

TITLE: Messages from Them DATE: 08/15/2021 07:56:07 ----- BODY:

My family wants me to move back really bad.

I don't really know how to respond. I'm living in my dream city but I do feel very depressed a lot. I can't drive and I have lots of stomach issues so I just feel sick often, but it was so much worse at home. Also living with my sisters just sounds stressful. I love them but it's too much for me. And that city.. I despise it.

They promise to be nicer to me and to teach me how to drive and give me an allowance and redecorate my room but I don't want to get yelled at for doing things incorrectly.. I'm tired of babysitting and being told I'm doing nothing... I don't want to go back I don't want to, but it feels like that hands of a city over 2000 miles away won't let me go.

I don't want to move back and get yelled at for showing any emotion... I don't want to talk to the psychiatrist there again... I don't want to think about the pressure of staying in my family's good graces. Now they're worried about my stomach issues but I've been dealing with this even back when I lived with them.. I've been feeling sick for the last few days.. It's frustrating.

Sorry this is so ranty.. I'm so tired. I have fun plans for September like the fair and a mushroom society, so more positive entries soon.

TITLE: Hope is for Losers DATE: 08/16/2021 17:41:39 ----- BODY:

The title isn't true but that's what it feels like..

Apologies for any obvious typos. My eyesight is a bit blurry. Today I don't feel good (again). Very little surprise there. I don't want to do this anymore- this living thing I guess haha. I can't be mentally ill anymore. I can't deal with this.

I will never be able to have a lover because of my mental illness. I can't connect to others- I don't even feel real. I don't understand how I'm still alive. There's.. Nowhere to go from here.

I don't know.. Everything I do is a failure. I wish I had someone to love that I could focus on. Nothing else matters when you have a lover, but that won't happen because I'm mentally ill.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I just wanted to make an entry to feel better but I can't stop crying. I'm going to keep failing. God is going to keep making fun of me. There is no hope for the future- the world is heating up at a rapid rate. Capitalism kills. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

TITLE: Broke DATE: 08/18/2021 16:54:41 ----- BODY:

Tired..

I am broke. My family still views me as a spoiled brat despite the fact that I am, in fact, completely broke and my mental illness has a lot to do with how they raised me. I have to deal with one specific person refusing to have any empathy for me.

I feel as though I am regressing.. Am I a child again... It often feels as though I am regressing to my middle school self.. I am very tired. it's hard. It's hard but I'm fine I'm fine :-) Things will be okay

TITLE: The Binding of Isaac DATE: 08/24/2021 10:23:30 ----- BODY:

My name is Isaac. It's rather interesting- today I realized my name is the shared by a fable in the bible that made me drop Christianity completely.

I am thinking about it- The Binding of Isaac. There is also a video game of the same name though I am not that familiar with it. I remember as a kid reading the story about the Binding of Isaac and I thought it was really fucked up. I did not think a loving God would do that. If you are not familiar with the binding of Isaac- I will grab a brief section from Wikipedia as I don't really have the energy to do my own summary.

"The Binding of Isaac (Hebrew: עֲקֵידַת יִצְחַק‎ ʿAqēḏaṯ Yīṣḥaq, in Hebrew also simply "the Binding", הָעֲקֵידָה‎ hāʿAqēḏā)[1] is a story from the Hebrew Bible found in Genesis 22. In the biblical narrative, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, on Moriah. Abraham begins to comply, when a messenger from God interrupts him. Abraham then sees a ram and sacrifices it instead."

As a child, I did not question this story, but as I got older.. It seeped into my mind. I forgot the names of Abraham and Isaac but I did not forget the story itself. I wondered how a loving God could ask you to kill your own child, and during this time, all I felt was fear. The sinking fear I'd end up in hell for experiencing emotions- for feeling love for things that were not Godly.

I remember wondering how God could never sin.. But how is a test different from a lie? Why would you ask someone to kill their child? How is this viewed as a good story of obedience when God was telling basically telling him "Thou shall kill despite this being an abomination."

If you were God, wouldn't you want your subject to protect their child? Wouldn't you want humans to develop and feel love for their offspring and family- not for an all knowing figure they have never seen?

And maybe that's why I dropped Christianity. I felt no love from bible stories. I only felt a book telling me to be miserable in order to go heaven. That's all I really wanted. I just didn't want to go to hell.. And I remember all the suffering I went through as a kid. Everyone would tell me God had a plan for me- the devil was attacking me because of how important I am.. But the people telling me that were contributing to my pain. Did my mother understand what she was saying when words like that left her lips....? When she said my troubles were the fault of the devil but drank herself into a stupor each night?

Humans want to go to heaven so bad. Maybe religion has created people who are willing to watch the world burn because they know if they are obedient.. If they are good- they will escape this hellish Earth and end up in a paradise. I could never take that hope away from my loved ones. I don't know if they'd have any reason to live if they lost their faith, but.. Why not make life on Earth heaven too?

I do not forgive my preachers.. I do not forgive my mother.. I do not forgive the people who watched me suffer in hopes that I would become a great child who serves God. I do not want to serve someone who asks you to sacrifice a child..

This was just a thought vomit really.. Fascinating that my name is Isaac. I think learning this has really helped me grow attached to my name. I don't really know if I believe in spiritual anything, but sometimes things fall into place perfectly and I do wonder if there is some strange machination making the universe work in some mysterious way..

Forgive me for useless ramble. Listen to Machine Girl.

TITLE: Game Development DATE: 08/30/2021 14:26:26 ----- BODY:

Nothing emotionally harrowing today. I am actually thinking about my hobbies and things I enjoy doing and what it means to be a hobbyist.

I kind of want to take a break from Ommatophilia's game development until I'm medicated or in some form of therapy... I love game development though I am realizing RPG Maker is not really a passion of mine. I much prefer renpy- I just love working that way. I like coding and changing things as I go and fucking with the engine- seeing what it's capable of.

I am afraid to take a break from Ommatophilia due to the simple fact that i sometimes take a break from things and do not pick them up again.. I am sure I would with Ommatophilia though because of my feelings regarding the story itself and the fact that I have all of it planned out and so many assets made. I also have taken breaks before and come back to it.

I might just focus on editing the written parts now and when I have the energy.. I can finally open RPG maker mv again and go back to making assets and fiddling with the engine.. Just.. I'm so tired. I need to stop pushing myself to finish things when I am like this. I guess I'm still doing game development if I write the written portions of it right?

I do need something to work on.. I have my comic though it is a bit overwhelming.. Maybe can work on a visual novel.. I miss renpy a lot.

I'm feeling a bit ill so it's actually exhausting typing this.. I am going to lie down and day dream in bed bye bye now!