8.17.24 | back at college and omma's done
Hello hello. I thought I'd updated this month but turns out that was a figment of my imagination. I've had lots of things on my mind yet I haven't really been logging them anywhere. I've been trying to talk to people less and I've been so focused on drawing and game dev and RPZinemaker Vol 2 and menhera jam I just haven't.. I haven't had much time to myself. I mean I guess all of these things are things I do for myself, but I do approach them all with the attitude of being productive. And I'm back at school now doing RA training. Haven't really had time to relax. Pretty exhausted and on edge because of some construction and maintenance issues in the dorm.
Anyway, what has Mala been up to? Well.. I think I explained most of it in the last paragraph actually, but I do have outfits to log at least! I won't be posting all of them because some of my pictures awkward. My favorite of the coords is actually an awkward photo, so we'll have to wear that coord again to log it properly (it was really bright outside I couldn't see.)
Anyway, good news. I finally finished my RPG Maker game I've been working on since 2021. Well, it's full playable. I still had cgs to render and lots of little optional things I want to add.. You know.. Flavor. But I'm surprised. October release date was right over the December one. I'm pretty happy with that I think. I would be more excited in this entry, but I am tired. I playtested today for 7 or 8 hours. I went insane. It's 12AM now, and I'm feeling exhausted. I haven't pushed myself that hard since the release of the first edition of the demo. Horrible. I shouldn't have done this to myself, but I was so tired of being "almost finished."
Mmm.. I've got some art commissions in the works that'll go around the website. My lolita wardrobe is filling out nicely, so I no longer feel the need to spend so much on it. I need some blouses actually, but I'll live. LOL. By Bodyline ones suck. They never stay buttoned up. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me, but infanta blouse stays buttoned up fine. Actually, I should see what Infanta has for sale. I've just never wanted to buy brand blouses because like.. if a button comes off or something, I'll be really mad.. They're not cheap you know! But I haven't really found blouses on taobao that are the aesthetic I'm looking for. The old Baby the Stars Shine Bright blouses are peak.
Mm, I'm tired. My body is aching. I don't know if I had horrible posture while working on my game or if just replaying the same bits over and over until my brain felt like it was melting out of my ears killed me or what. I'm.. I also missed a dose of medication which is definitely making me feel worse. I think I need to go off of Zoloft or increase it because my anxiety is getting bad again lately. I had a PTSD flashback today to my time in Seattle, and I never get those. And I've had a lot of online conflict this year (in my personal circles, nothing public) that has been plaguing my nightmares. Someone recently showed up in my dream last night, and I was so scared in my dream I threatened to call my parent to make that person leave.
I'm just in a weird state. I also scheduled a sleep clinic appointment. So, hopefully we can get my constant sleepiness taken care of, but I'm also so scared. I don't want to spend so much money on this, and then have them tell me nothing is wrong. I am hoping I can get a diagnosis and get treatment, so I can stop feeling like I'll fall asleep at any moment.
Anyway, lastly, I'm thinking of refreshing my diary page's aesthetics, but I haven't had any ideas. It's been the angelic pretty crosses background with small container in the center for a while. I also need to update the music. I just.. I don't know. I haven't really been motivated to look through sites on neocities. I think I might just be fatigued, and when I look at neocities sites, there's a level of engagement I expect of myself- I want to read things the webmaster has to say, I want to go through all their pages, inspect their code if something interests me, read a lot of their diary entries, etcetera. I just haven't really had the energy which is why I've been so disconnected from the community. I feel bad because I wanna hangout. I used to look through websites for hours. Maybe my depression is coming back, and I haven't realized. Or maybe I've lost interest? I'm just not sure. I guess the hyperfixation has faded. But I miss being that fixated on old web stuff.
I don't know. Lots of thoughts. Word vomit. Blegh. Will sketch some diary pages today. My friend Io recently updated her site. The reds are pleasant to me, and the rugs. Maybe I will do something similar. Have you seen my antique store pictures? I'd like to capture that feeling. Io's artwork and website reminds me of that place. I'd like to go back.
Goodnight everyone.