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TITLE: Lots of Stuff DATE: 12/04/2021 23:52:47 ----- BODY:

I got paid for than usual this week. I don't really know why. I thought I'd get paid less.

My game got corrupted. I wasn't very sad.. I still have the assets. I redid the code pretty quickly.

I don't know what's going on. I rejected someone. I'm not very good with people.

Mother said "if you're pretty, boys will like you." I feel like she tries to give advice and fails to take into account that I have lived on the planet for 18 years. Just because something is true doesn't mean it doesn't upset me. Maybe people expressing their feelings for me at work agitates me because I view it as inappropriate.

She never really cares about my feelings.. Only the facts of a situation which would be fine if she didn't repeat the facts over and over. I already know them. The facts just upset me.

I did something else. I'm going to keep it private.. It frightens me but I am a bit excited. I just hate spending money.

I work a double today. I have never worked a double before. Please wish me luck. I think I get a break in the middle of the day. I will go to Pyro's.

I think soon I'd like to redo this blogs' theme a bit.. But Maruya is v cute.. i like the stars and the colors.. I am not sure.. Time is so limited and confusing lately. I'd like rest under the concrete for a little while.

My friend told me a lake she swam in during her childhood is infested with leeches. Frightening.

This entry was pretty mundane huh. I guess life is mundane right now.

I think I'd like to be a technician for computers.

I bought art from Ficarra Kelly, a commission and a zine. He wants to do that too.

I am telling myself the characters he loved are just characters in fiction. It allows me to love them again.

I feel free now. Just kind sad sometimes. But, I am free and I can breathe. I don't have to wait anymore.

My name is Isaac, but I have other names too. I like media like Hello Charlotte and Evangelion. I live for myself. I work for myself. I don't need anyone else to survive. If I was abandoned by everyone, I would live because I am Isaac. I don't feel a lot of things.

TITLE: Tonight and Today DATE: 12/14/2021 01:43:29 ----- BODY:

Last night I had a horrible panic attack at work. I felt very suicidal and was wondering if I was cut out for my job. After I clocked out, I joined my friend's voice call. I felt better.

The events of this year sucked, but I learned a lot. The line between toxicity and abuse is very thin. I have had several moments where I wanted to sink into misanthropy.. But I didn't because I kept trying to be alive and connect to others.

Today I talked to people about my feelings.. Processed them a bit. I told someone I care about deeply that I appreciated them for their endless support of me, I told another friend I appreciated them sharing their experiences because it helps me feel less like a disaster, other friends that the friend group we had helps me feel more a person than a mentally ill burden.. I let people know that they're support for me as I go through some of the roughest times of my life.. I appreciate it a lot. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Those two told me I was just using people to help me feel better.. And yeah. I do use my friends to feel better. I join vcs and hear their voices. I feel alive. I share things with them to hear their comments. I'm happy. I want to hear their voices. I want to hear my friends' thoughts. I want to connect to other people. It makes me happy. They help me feel better. I just love connecting to others.

They listen to my feelings. I don't feel isolated. I feel okay. I get scared people hate me, but they're online so often. How could people who talk to me regularly hate me?

Things are okay. I screwed up some but I didn't hurt anyone intentionally. Everything I did was to get help, and I've tried to fix it but the other parties refused to be kind in the end. Communication is human and I have tried my best. I am not dealing with behavior I view as unacceptable now that I have people in my life who are kind and we support each other. I know they'll be around. I'm okay.

TITLE: the glass DATE: 12/16/2021 02:42:24 ----- BODY:

i'm trying really hard to see the bright side. i don't want to let my thoughts control me.

I want to connect with people. It hurts. I really want to, but it is like there is a wall of glass between us. I press my fingers to it.. I can hear muffled laughter on the other side. They can see me but I'm too quiet to be heard through the glass.

In Evangelion, Shinji makes his grand realization but.. Everything is still miserable because of external circumstances.. Do I have external stances making me miserable?

The other day I wrote some thoughts. I will paste them here.

I evaluate my feelings

And at my core

[9:34 PM]

I just want to be nice

[9:34 PM]

Which is why i am so distraught when people dislike me or hate me. I feel as though i’ve wronged them somehow

[9:34 PM]

But that’s not always true

[9:36 PM]

I hated myself for thinking i hurt (redacted) but.. i just hurt them by being myself (edited)

[9:39 PM]

And i spiraled after the (redacted) thing but.. All I did was be honest. And I couldn’t even finish because (redacted) shut down and (redacted) gaslit me

[9:39 PM]

And idk

[9:39 PM]

I don’t know i guess

[9:40 PM]

I let my thoughts control me and feel like i can’t stop it.. I guess it’s because I gave up on stopping it? And it still hurts to fight against but.. It is possible

[9:40 PM]

Still

[9:40 PM]

I realize I need to avoid putting myself in stressful situations

[9:40 PM]

Because I am schizophrenic

[9:41 PM]

Self care sometimes matter more than my morals.. Especially because I am sick

[9:41 PM]

Which is ultimately why I made made a new (redacted).
[9:42 PM]

I put myself into so many stressful situations.. (Redacted) could add me back at anytime.. Being gaslit scared me.. not recognizing everyone on my friends list scared me.. other things.. (edited)

[9:42 PM]

I just.. need to vibe

[9:42 PM]

So yeah I’m gonna vibe and try to have dreams again ahaha

[9:45 PM]

And go slower

[9:45 PM]

I guess I also hate myself for not being a young prodigy because I was raised to think i’d be important in some way and now i’m just.. a psychotic mess

[9:45 PM]

But that’s fine because people like me

[9:46 PM]

Anyway i just.. also need to indulge in silly things more..

[9:46 PM]

Made myself feel better.. by just.. Watching all might videos

[9:47 PM]

Lol I’m so obsessed with having good opinions and i’m so used to (redacted) making fun of media i used to like or criticizing it.. I forgot it’s fine to like stuff for no reason

[9:47 PM]

Don’t have to be dark and brooding and serious lmao

And yeah I don't know. I don't know. I know this is true, but I'm still in pain. I guess I need to let the emotions pass, but my brain just keeps obsessing over it. It's so exhausting.

He told me that I use my friends to feel better, and he told me that he doesn't like to have friends because it's too much power but.. It's not.. Hard to be nice. If you don't want to hurt people.. Just be nice? Sometimes I make a decision that will hurt people out of moral obligation but it is always an option to disengage.

And really I should.. I need to not put myself in stressful situations anymore when I am getting sicker. I don't have the strength of the average person anymore. And people, even other mentally ill / disordered people, do not have the patience for people with a progressing illness.

I wish my thoughts weren't so obsessive. Maybe thought stopping and radical acceptance would work better.