i don't want to turn 19 

i am going to turn into mincemeat 

this was going to be a ramble about my game development bt i'm sleepy goodnight

thansk for telling me people prefer rpgs and keeping encouraging me to make an rpg maker game. lol realizing i only stuck with rpg maker game because of other people. sigh

Considering putting in my two week notice and looking for a new job. Host work is really exhausting. It's a job that relies on talking to people and complete control of the dining room. Exhaustion is getting to me, and I've been having anxiety attacks and meltdowns regularly. My primary issue is that I don't have my driver's license yet. An accurate timeline for getting it would be in March-April after my in person driver's lessons. It will be a bit late since I go to college in July.. After that I hope to look for a retail or warehouse or computer repair job.

My last meltdown resulted in my mother looking into Asperger's Syndrome which she now believes I have. It is now just called Autism Spectrum Disorder or 'on the spectrum' colloquially, but I did some looking into the autism vs aspie side of things and honestly Asperger's as a term seems very useful to people who consider themselves aspies. I had a lot of fun looking at aspergirls. I related a lot. Mother plans to take me to get evaluated. If she follows through, this could potentially be a very big positive change in my life. Accommodations..

I should also note I've left every single server I was in because of my meltdown! Very cool. Whoops. I haven't felt an aching in my heart or anything other than the call from the void (commit suicide and no one will know!) Aside from the presence of The Void, the silence in my notifications is appreciated. Tomorrow I am trying to go out with a friend which will be nice.

That's all for today. Heading to a doctor's appointment. Time to get my blood checked and see if my anemia has finally fucked me up. Hurray!

i will work and work and work until i drop

i freakedout and started stimming and slammed hand into phone screen. it hur tlol

i tried to get myself together by saying "okay i need to-" and istarted sobbing

lol lol lol

everyday is the same and i do nothing to change it because i am too unstable.

i can't handle when people say no to me. i can't handle buying new clothes. i can't handle when too much of my skin is visible. nothing will ever change about me.

i tried to stream but i won't do it again. i can't handle asking people to come. i can't handle when the stream runs too slowly. i can't handle my anxiety.

i tried to remake Devil's Food but i couldn't. i can't handle the idea of possibly making it look worse.

i want to be pretty but i can't handle the possibility of looking like a clown.

i want to make new friends but i can't handle people asking me what i meant to say.

i want to reach out to old friends but i can't handle being rejected or ignored.

i'll probably go on mood stabilizers again. i don't reallywant to . i just wish i could die already. i llive such a pathetic life.

i hate myself and everyone says change yourself but i ikeep trying and it just gets worse

iitry to exist aas myself and its horrible i try to change and its horrible i cant i cant i cant

i

tomorrow i will do my driver's simulation! my ipad will arrive. methinks i will start coding devil's food again, from the ground up while not home. will try to mostly stick to Ommatophilia but it seems like a good side project since rpg maker can't run on ios and i can't code outside the program. :-)

i am excited. i never make big purchases for myself. methinks this will make my workflow much better and allow me to work on thing when i am not feeling well enough to get my  entire drawing set up together.