2.9.23 | you can sleep in a coffin, but the past ain't through with you

I haven't been updating my diary much lately. I've been working on lots of other things like my peeptvshow archive, work, school, a dollmaker, etc. And then, lots of things started happening. So much that my thoughts have become disorganized, and the most I can do is sit in place wondering when everything everything will calm down again.

You might be thinking that perhaps I'm being overdramatic. What can be going on in a twenty year old's life that inspires this much stress. I didn't want to talk about it publically at all originally. I felt it was entirely too personal, and also, I was worried I'd say something I'd regret saying months later. There's no way to guess how any of this will turn out years from now, but my life has been changed.

Perhaps, you've guessed this about me based on the large age gap between my siblings and I or the fact that I rarely ever mention the activities of my father, but I am a bastard. I have a dad now who married my mom, and I have siblings, but I guess technically they are half siblings. I never really refer to them this way though because to me, they are just my siblings. I helped raise them. I've been in their lives forever. They are everything to me. I don't want anyone to assume I love them any less because we have different dads.


My biological dad contacted me. We are going to call him Henry. Henry messaged me on Facebook, saying he'd been looking for me for the last two years. I don't really use Facebook. It's a miracle I had messenger on my phone at the time, as I often delete it. I'd actually just reinstalled it to call my parents. Anyway, I woke up and saw the message.

We talked about a bit. Won't explain all of it for privacy reasons and because I'm tired as hell, but I ended up voice chatting with him and the three siblings I discovered I have and my grandmother who apparently has been thinking of me regularly.

They want to meet me during spring break.

Everyone keeps asking how I feel, but I don't know how I feel. I've wondered if I had siblings I didn't know about sometimes, but I never like.. actually thought I'd get the answer to this. I've never seeked out this information because like.. it's stressful. I'm already so stressed. I'm not good with people either.

I'm happy my youngest sibling on that side is happy. She really wanted to see me, but I just don't know how to.. process all of this. It's so much. Like at first I was happy but then I was anxious then empty and now I'm mostly stressed.

I'm just.. meowmoew. There's more to this story, but we'll see how it unfolds before I share. I just.. Don't know anyone who's experienced something like this. There's no one I can ask for advice or support. And my mom when she gets signal again is probably going to stress me out about this situation more...

I hoped writing it down would clear my head.. but I feel more stressed than before. And more tired. I have so much work piling up on me. I've been too stressed to function. And when I get stressed I start experiencing the Bad Things again. I'm.. I have to get on top of everything and get my control back...

Well.. Well..

There's other things to discuss.

I may be going to Japan this summer! I applied to a study abroad program. Luckily, my GPA is really good atm and I have been so active that my transcript and resume looks really fantastic. I've been applying for scholarships, and I am over halfway funded. I'm on the scholarship grind.. Maybe I should make a proper commissions/crowdfunding page on this website.. I guess I'll do that after my meeting tonight.

See you later. Let's hope life remains okay. I am so scared!