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what's up everyone. i'm. feeling very bad.that's the onlyreason i'm writing here really. i have deep sorrow in my heart. i'm lonely. i feel like i'll never closely connect with anyone.

i wish all my close friends didn't move on. i wish i didn't so often realize people i view as close don't care about me as much as i thought they did. but it's okay.

I'm never close with my coworkers or people in friend groups I hangout with. I'm just kind of here. I wonder what's wrong with me? Am I too cynical? Am I too rude? Too blunt? Do I need to hold my tongue? Do I not reach out enough? Are my interests too niche? Do I talk too much? Too little?I don't understand. it all confuses me. I'm tired of living behind this glass wall. I thought I wanted to stay in this town forever because I have friends here, but to be honest, I just feel lonelier than ever lately. I don't know what to do. This loneliness will never go away I feel. It will follow me throughout my life.

I think I might be missing something that makes me human. I have empathy and everything. I enjoy listening to others, but I feel like i've lost the ability to truly connect. Like.. i talk to others, but people make plans without me. i am sometimes invited to close friend events, but even then, everyone is kind of dancing together on a spider web and I'm just finding myself falling through the gaps.

Am I human? Is it possible for me to hold hands with another and smile? Can I truly feel what someone else feels in that moment? Do moments I view as significant between me and another matter as much to the other person? Will the moments I hold dear constantly be ripped away from me? I'm so very tired. I wish this were all so much simpler.

Giving up on my friendships would be silly, but I'm tired of leaving my room. I just want to stay here and play video games.. Watch TV. I watched a Sonic OVA featuring Hyper Metal Sonic. It was so nice. I cried afterwards because the loneliness came back, but for a while I could almost see myself in this colorful world ful of simple shaped characters and nice music..

2.2.25| LOVE AND PEACE

hello. my head hurts really bad, but i'm okay. i'm very tired. my period started two days ago, and it's doing a number on me T_T. messy and bleegh. tired. i've been drawing though. it's been fun.

i've been drawing as evidenced by art on left. for some reason brain said 'you need to draw kie getting strangled with your kanuko pen RIGHT NOW."

i really wanted to paint in my watercolor sketchbook, but this vision.. it's bad to ignore inspiration. probably. i don't know. LOL. well, i haven't been posting finished art pieces lately, but i'd like to go scan them in the library tomorrow. it's just.i always draw really close to the spirals. i know it'd probably be smart to put tape around the borders, so that that doesn't happen but.. i'm lazy. smiles.

i don't know why. so i'd need to edit them out lol. i don't know if i'll post any of my trad art. i tend to throw it on Patreon and sometimes this diary and friend discords and personal accounts, but haven't actively been posting it on my main socials haha. i just.. know it won't do well and that bothers me :P.

it's technically the 2nd because it's only 1am by the way. my sleep schedule is messed up because iwas up all day yesterday unbraiding my hair. though i knowi can go to sleep right now. my period makes it so that i can just keep sleeping forever lmao. it drains my life force. my friend was telling me how birth control stopped their period, and it kind of appeals to me. i have a lot of fears of getting pregnant against my will and not being able to do much about it, so it'd ease both of those worries. but also. i know weight gain can happen and some other hormonal stuff. i get a lot of anxiety abt messing with anything in my body since i'm already so fucked up you know lol.

and it kinda feels weird to start bc as a lesbian...

sidenote: i've been watching trigun. it's very fantastic and has managed to completely enrapture me. i'm on episode 16 or 17. i'll be reading the manga afterwards. Vash is so cute. I understand him.

WARRIOR OF LOVE AND PEACE!