TITLE: the meaning of closure DATE: 01/12/2022 16:12:24 ----- BODY:

i've thought about this.. i get upset a lot over lack of closure. I sent a friend something about it thinking my feelings were normal

i just dont think its fair :(
that he can live hislife thinking everything i sjus tsome 18 year old's fault
he can live blissfully bc i blamed myself for everything
bc i was too scared to tell him how muchthey were both hurtingme
they berate dme
and i apologized tot hem

Here we are, and I thought this was normal.. But I realized I wanted closure. A few weeks ago i told myself I'd never try to get closure again and some part of me still wants to..

People.. Will never acknowledge their own mistakes if they don't want to. I like to communicate. I refuse to communicate with others who won't. This is the end. :-) I need clear communication. abusers don't communicate. toxic people don't either. i tried my best. he refused to talk. that is the end of that.

I got my Shannon and Maria figures ! I adore them. I wish I could show you, but you're such an awful person. I hope you get therapy like I said, but if not, your loss :D I got them and the prices weren't even inflated. Aren't I perfect?

I will put off the Higurashi figures for now. Trading figures being sold for so much is such a travesty. At least I have my Umi figures :-)


TITLE: entry where i talk about suicide DATE: 01/29/2022 06:37:34 ----- BODY:

I want to go to college in July. If I can't go, I'll just die or go to a mental hospital for 3 months.
I have to get out of here but I don't trust anyone. I just want to be alone. I'm tired of being in bad situations. My mom not filing for FASFA and like.. If she does, it may not even matter because we make too much money. I'd have to wait 2 years probably till 2023-2024 when she's divorced and I can just used her taxes rather than both my parents.
My mother cares for my sisters in a way she never cared for me. (REDACTED) cared for him in a way he could never care for me. Everyone has their own lives. Everyone is living with people they choose to be with or with dreams or some small motivation to live or some skill that keeps them going but I have nothing.
I wonder if there is any love in my heart/ I don't know  / I don't know.
I have to get out of here but people are so scary. If I can't go to college I will just go to a mental hospital for months yes yes. Mental hospital mental hospital. And then I'll get out and kill myself probably. Haha.

TITLE: how much pain does a bug feel? DATE: 01/29/2022 06:50:21 ----- BODY:

i find comfort in reincarnation.. because i ask myself, how much pain does a bug feel?

sometimes, you see a bug in agony. it's legs might be ripped off, maybe it's poisoned, maybe it was cut in half. despite this, it keeps trying to live.

there's billions of bugs. bacteria, etc etc. i could be an animal that lives for many years or i could be a pig in a slaughter house. i could be bacteria, or a virus entering someone's system wreaking havoc on their organs.

there's many ways i could go. i don't want to lack sentience. i just want everything to stop hurting. i envy the fly on the counter. i envy the rats in the sewers. i envy you. i envy you.