1.28.23 | dream dress

I ordered my dream dress (and first lolita dress). I'm really excited. You might be wondering.. What dress is this?

It's ista mori's nameless poem!

I ordered it from Taobao... I had a lot of sturggles with the taobao website, but I managed. Imagine me pumping my fist. I've wanted this dress.. for years. I've been close to ordering replicas of it several times (in the distant past) not realizing that the original design was by Ista Mori. I have no idea how long this has been my dream dress... It's probably been over 5 years.

Anyway, I should also write about other things... Just... I'm so excited about this dress.

The night I ordered it... I was really happy. But then my PTSD got triggered really badly by my mother. I kept asking her to stop, but she didn't really listen... She insisted I tell her my trauma and I eventually just kept repeating "mhm" and "okay." It was a stressful conversation. Now it's over and I'm okay again. I ordered my dream dress... I have a lot of struggles in my life at the moment, but at least my dream dress will be here.. Eventually.

I have other things to ramble about.

I'm worried about my computer science degree. I don't really understand a lot. Like.. I know the basics of C# / programming concepts, but I struggle to actually make programs. There's finally tutoring available (there was none last year), so hopefully I can catch up. I'm just really worried. Hopefully it's okay. If I apply myself and start studying consistently and go to tutoring, I should be okay.

Another thing- I've been reading a book called The Rusted Maidens. It's really good. I convinced another friend to read it! Wooooo. I want to finish soon but my attention span has been failing. I'm just sleeping and in a weird haze a lot of the time. I can't focus on anything for some reason.. Not sure what's wrong with me. I feel really burned out, but hopefully that ends. I need to get back to work tomorrow.

That's all I have for now. I will probably sleep soon. Goodnight!

1.21.23 | gotta get up i guess

Originally, I wrote an entry that was very... deranged. I don't really like wallowing in my misery, so thank god I had some time to think and write a new entry.

Not taking my medicine during winter break has resulted in me suffering a lot lately. I spend a considerable amount of time in my bed, either sleeping or trying to convince myself to do something. My desk was a mess for days. I finally cleaned it today, and that's where I'm sitting typing this entry right now. I have my ipad next to me and some traditional art supplies. I'm trying to decide what I'll actually do. I want to draw. I haven't drawn in a while.

I could also code. I have the barebones of my Second Life page finished though I realized that I may not like the direction it's going in (haha). I want go bigger and take up more space rather than use the single centered container that you scroll through that I often use on my website. It just takes a lot more effort to code those things. It'd probably be useful to start making multiple stylesheets rather than putting everything on one css sheet... But it's kind of funny to me at this point.. It grows larger and more difficult to navigate. There's no reason for me to continue doing it that way, but I can't stop haha.

I need to do my Math for Computer Science work but I am scared to open my files. Anxiety is so silly. I think I'll do it today though. Also, I have plans to hangout with friends in Second Life today. Exciting! I also hungout with Zed in SL the other day which was very fun. I've actually had a few Second Life adventures lately. They'll go on the Second Life page... whenever that's finished. I'm working on it!

Well, I can't pretend to be super happy right now. I feel like a wet towel forgotten in the bath tub, but.. I'm gonna try my best to do more than lie in my bed all day haha.

1.14.23 | realizing i am a girl

I wrote some things while talking to a dear friend of mine. I am going to copy paste it then elaborate.
“For me it’s like.. It’s something I’ve been considering for quite some time, even during the Seattle incident. But probably even some time before that. I don’t really write this stuff down :’D

Recently I’ve been in more women’s spaces and reading feminist writings and stuff by trans women and it makes me feel more like a girl. And I realized I know a big part of me identifies as a girl, and when I meet other girls I feel like I connect to them. I also recently realized I struggle differentiating dysmorphia and dysphoria and a lot of my body dysmorphia is probably the result of like misogyny and racism.. though I still really want to be androgynous body wise. In a perfect WORLD, I would have no distinctive features and I would just be a GIRL. The idea of a girl, rather than having the body of a girl. I don’t think I’m making sense

Also I think I might dislike having the body of a girl because living as a girl, the world is very hostile to you

If I could be a girl but Not a Girl (body wise), then I could escape misogyny I guess while also still living peacefully as a girl.. Because I like being a girl (incomprehensible)”
This reality is not possible. It is just a wish, but I have a body and I want to connect with it. I thank the nonbinary label for helping me cope with the pain of womanhood while I was too young to articulate how I was feeling, but I don't need it anymore... I've realized misogyny can't be seperated from womanhood, but that doesn't take away the joy I receive from it.. My connection to other women.

Especially my love for woman as a lesbian. I love being a woman who loves other women.

I want to write a longer think piece about this eventually... Something a bit more articulate, but for now accept this. I don't plan to change how I present online or anything because I don't really care how people view me but here you go.

1.13.23 | the world wide web (and travelling)

Good morning! It's 4AM. I'm going to die in the morning, but that's okay.

I want to do some editing to my Ritsuko Akagi page. I feel like it's a bit messy, but not sure. Some of my friends like it.. I sometimes want to delete my writing pages entirely. Many people with personal website swrite very eloquently. I feel very messy compared to them T_T but at least I write at all I guess? A lot of websites are mostly images.. which is fine but not my cup of tea you know? Sometimes, I feel really creepy going through people's writings.. (I spent a significant amount of time reading things on neocities), but it's okay because people put things up for people to read.. I really love hearing other people's thoughts. Sometimes, I find someone incredibly different from me and I want to look into their skull you know?

I start my journey to college tomorrow. I'm riding with my cousin and aunt haha. We're heading to a city some hours away and going to hang out there.. Shopping and eating. Time to gain back the weight I accidentally lost over break lol...

I've been looking at obscure forums and imageboards to see if they're any better than social media (spoilers: they're not). I'm still fond of forums because of the anonymity they provide, and it's really fun to read about topics that are only discussed in those spaces... They're some of the only spaces I feel comfortable talking in (outside of private discord servers.) I just visited the one I like and it looks like there's a lot of new users... Some are doxing themselves but it's a pretty private forum so it's fine I guess...? (it's not fine.) I've had my account for over 2 years... If you guess the forum and find me, I'll give you a cookie.

When I get back to my dorm, I'm thinking about ordering a tiny blender with an amazon gift card and buying lots of frozen fruit... I want to drink smoothies for breakfast.

1.10.23 | all of the love in the world

I had a convo with my friend about the behavior of someone I dislike who I can't avoid for reasons (and i think that person knows i dislike them which makes me feel very anxious), and she told me she'd dislike that person too and everyone in the world should care less. It was really nice and fun. We talked about modern archictecture hardrives, and she told me it was possible to crack thin PS2s now! She's so cool. I'm happy I met her irl in 2020. I like getting her opinions on people who stress me out because she helps me.. Not care so much :-)

I played Second Life with Zed today. I need to get a lot of pictures of Zed and I in video games for a new page I'm working on!! Unfortunately.. All of the transparent stuff I tried to capture didn't work because I chose a green background and the green was too similar to Zed's skintone (though I thought it'd be okay because Zed's skin is more of an earthy green and the background was like a lime skittle).. So I have to get that another day. I'm gonna show one of the sillier gifs. I chose not to use this dance because we'd dance into the background (though it kind of makes it more charming haha) but it makes me happy to look at.

I really like all the friends I have now.. They make me so happy. I love my discord server. I love my webring. I love voicechatting with my friends.. Sometimes i get really overwhelmed and stressed, but then I talk to my friends and I'm so happy.

I'm getting my hair braided tomorrow. Box braid time. I'll try to upload a picture.. I love getting braids. It's my favorite hairstyle haha. I'll probably finish the last two episodes of Chainsaw Man then play a game while she braids my hair... Maybe I'll draw? I've been meaning to draw my SL avatar for year of the rabbit. I've just.. been soo lazy. I had a drawing but I wasn't sure if the grass looked nice.

Lastly.. We have this dog named Pepe (like the frog). My mom got him a little while ago from a lady. Her husband abused him. He's about five years old? He's afraid of men and shakes when male family members come near him. His tail goes between his legs.. My cousin was amazed when he wagged his tail when I called his name. I love him so much. I started dreaming about registering him as an ESA and taking him back to my dorm.. Walking him around campus, cuddling with him when i'm sad.. You know? I'm so sad that I have to leave on Friday. My mom really likes him but we're having a lot of family issues so she's considering giving him back. I'd be so sad. I've really connected with him.

All day we've been lying in bed together. He lied in my arms, on my back, next to me... He kept trying to lick my face and I'd scream haha.

i love you.. LIVE WITH ME PEPE.

It's silly.. I'm really sad about leaving my sisters and brother this Friday but my heart is breaking when I think of leaving this dog. I guess it's because I can't explain to him that I'll be back or where I'm going? And he just.. he's with me when I'm lonely and stressed. He's been so nice to be with. I think when I get older, I'll get a rescue too...

I am excited to be back in my dorm though. I start my job again this semester (uggh). Money will be nice, even if it's only a little. I'll probably spend it all on dumb shit haha, but I hope to build my savings again. I'm working on a website commission too so I'll get some extra money. I need to advertise that i'm willing to do website commissions here :-) i really like making websites hehe.

Much love!

1.7.23 | cooling down by talking about everskies

I had a really long rant about about how being black in leftist spaces really sucks, but I decided I didn't want to make it public for now. I might later. I don't know. It's something I need to write an article about, rather than a messy journal entry.

I logged into Everskies for the first ever. I don't really like that website because I think everyone on their has a brain made milk, but the dress up game is cute and is probably one of the best dollmakers I've seen. If only the community wasn't an example of exactly what I was writing about in my last entry. Anyway, I just came to show off my cute avatars. I'll probably convert the Second Life page to an avatar page soon because I don't really play SL super often anymore and the thing that excites me most about it is being a black anime girl.

This is my avatar from Second Life's beta. It's funny. It resembles my Second Life avatar quite a bit which I noticed right after messaging someone pictures of her. I still miss this avatar though I think my current is bit cooler... Just... Nostalgia for when Everskies wasn't completely insane (though it went downhill shortly after I joined so I didn't see much of it.)

This was the first avatar I used after beta ended and all of my clothing was wiped from the website. I like the hair. The wings are a bit much, but I like being edgy so it's fine I guess.

Okay so.. I just made this to have another outfit in my wardrobe. I don't remember anything about this outfit. I can't even recall making it. Once again the wings are a bit much. The hoodie is a bit too shiny for my tastes and the pants just aren't baggy enough.

This is my current avatar. I missed my hair puffs from beta, so I looked for some that matched my standards and found these. They're cute. I've really been into gothic lolita / elegant goth fashion (victorian I guess), so I went for this look. I still prefer visual kei and normal alt fashion a bit more on myself irl, but it's fun to indulge. I'll log in again in six months and change my look.

1.3.23 | i went to church on new year's day

It's 1:40 AM. Happy New Year. I wanted to update on New Year itself, but unfortunately, serotonin withdrawal syndrome has me very fucked up and it's difficult to write. My head always hurts, and i'm often dizzy.

My granny just shouted at me to go to bed, but well, I told her I wanted to finish writing this. I just.. have a lot of thoughts lately. I might do a full write up on some of these feelings eventually.

I recently realized I won’t be able to have a happy wedding because of my family… Unless it’s like a lavender marriage. My family is anti same-sex marriage. I went to church the other day, and my priest ranted about how trans people have no sense of right and wrong after they undergo surgery. he talked about how the legalization of same-sex marriage in many countries is a sign that the world is coming to an end. abortion is evil. people need to stop hating ex president orange man... all the conservative christian talking points. go watch alex jones you asshole.

i used to be scared of that man, but i also used to love him like a father. I really regret giving him so much importance in my life.

sometimes at night when i was younger, i'd imagine being in a relationship (you know) and then i'd be scared that the world had come to an end while i indulged in my fantasies.. and i'd been left behind. he used to talk about EMP attacks.. if the power went out, i'd believed Russia had attacked us with a bomb and i'd no longer be able to use the computer. i wouldn't be able to talk to my online friends anymore. i'd be trapped alone in the bible belt.

he also talked about how sex toys are evil which is really funny thinking back. can't remember that passage in the bible. he always went on about the desires of the flesh, and he still does. it'd been some years since i'd been to church. maybe two years.. three... four.. i'm not sure. however long it was, it wasn't long enough because he is exactly the same.

making it clear that he did not believe in the seperation of church and state.. he made fun of how women fight... he's such a misogynist. i remember when he blamed women dressing too sexy.. men aren't at fault for being attracted to them. He loved talking about Bathsheba seduced King David by bathing on a roof. "Why was she bathing on a roof?" And well, if you read that line, King David raped Bathsheba. He ordered her to have sex with him and yet she's the problem. My pastor admitted that he used to sleep around when he was younger. I guess he feels okay with it because he blames the women for sleeping with him.

he'd probably say i'd fallen prey to the liberal agenda.. the trans agenda.. the.... feminist agenda.. if he knew about how much i despise him.. how much i fear men.. how i've only felt safe in the LGBT community. Christians.. his church.. made me feel so unloved and afraid. It made me feel that every emotion I felt was the result of demons... Something vile. Sometimes, I want to write him an angry email, but I know you can't fight with people like that. I just really don't wanna see him again.

My granny and aunt really enjoyed the sermon. I've told my granny I am gay before haha.

It really hurts you know? Like... I know a lot of people need Christianity to have purpose, but.. I just.. I don't know. He made an entire point about how you Can judge people. LGBT people might use the bible to quote "Do not judge lest you be judged" but humans will judge angels so they can judge us. Well, I'm not Christian so I can judge just fine without scanning every line of the bible and looking for a way to judge the people you disagree with.

You are a vile man. You are the reason I fear men. You made me afraid when I was 12 years old. I don't hate you because you're not worth hating. You are a pathetic cockroach and the love I've felt from my trans friends is more than I've ever in your hall of bullshit. Maybe you don't agree with the existence of LGBT people, but guess what? It's not difficult to respect people. What is wrong with you? And there's so many disgusting people like you. I hope you all have fun together away from me.

When a woman is nice to me, I'm so happy. When a girl expresses that she's attracted to me, my heart sings. When I wear something that could be read as demonic and isn't in church, I'm happy to just be cool. I like when guys wear skirts and fishnet tops. I love finding gay guys especially because they don't view me as potential partner or a piece of meat like Christian men do.

When my mom burned my cardigan because it had a pentagram on it, I cried for weeks... I was embarrassed because I didn't have jacket to bring with me to college so I just wore the same hoodie over and over again. I wanted the cardigan for months. It's the coolest piece of clothing I ever owned. I saved and finally convinced myself to buy it for $80... But of course, Christianity ruins I love once again.

I love my family. I love the south, but it's hard to live in the bible belt. I don't want to leave, but it feels like this land hates me so much. I want hear the cicadas in the summers. I want to feel the terrible heatwaves. I want to go downtown and see a black woman in a pink jumpsuit wave at me and feel my heart beat really fast... Where else will i see so many black people living their lives, you know? If I leave.. I'm leaving my culture behind.. But.. it feels like my culture hates me so much. I want to love you, but you don't love me. You don't protect me. You want me to be someone else completely. why can't you love me?

Anyway.. I don't know.. I'm too tired to want to revenge.. I'm too tired to be angry.. It may sound like I'm angry, but I'm not. I don't like being angry. I'd rather just love my friends and move on. I'm so much happier now that I don't have a god in my life.