1.6.25| my true nature // i want to say goodbye

it's true! i hate everyone! the little things people do irritate me! begging for my affection, my appreciation, my comradery! i find it repulsive! i hate it all! i hate your expectations of me! I hate how you say dumb bullshit! i hate your hypocrisy! i hate how we all complain endlessly i hate everything it all neveer ends! everyone endlessly chasing everything! analyzing every word i say! is this about me? maybe? maybe it is about you? a little? oh obviously you're saying this thing in you're writing. this is how you must be thinking.

you're unique because of the way you dress. you're cute and skinny. you should stay skinny., why don't you gain weight? gaining weight would look good on you? you're too thin. oh i know i'm too thin, but FOOD IS DIGUSTING. EVERYTHING IS DISGUSTING. I HATE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD AND EVEN THE ONE THING THAT BROGUHT ME JOY, THE DIVERSITY OF THE HUMAN PALETTE ON MY TASTEBUDS, IT HARDLY APPEALS TO ME ANYMORE.

Oh you're looking well! Oh how are you? YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT? YOU APPEAR WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU. And I'm not even better. I vanish and come back all the time. But I did try in the past. BUt the human condition. It's inconceivable? Impossible? Is joy? There? Sometimes I talk to my granny and she doesn'tseem happy. I can'ts top crying. It feelslike I'mleaving suicide letters everywhere but no one cares.

i can't buy a gun in tennessee but i can in mississippi. they don'teven do a background check. thank god for my shitty backwater state doing one good thing for me.HAHA. soon it'll be over im sure.

can someone help me? no one can help me? i go a psychiatrist then a mental hospital. oh your insurance isn't taken. oh your life looks fine. bla bla bl ablbalablaboabklbkbaklbala. kill yourselves. honestly i understand mass shooters. EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD IS USELESS. INCLUDING ME. WHY LIVE IN THIS WORLD OF USELESS PEOPLE WHEN IM THE MOST USELESS OF THEM ALL.

i remember when i was younger seeing beautiful thin girls suffering on tumblr and on tv screens and now my legs are so thin and my ribs are visible and my nose bled all over my bed and i can't stop crying and i want to shoot myself in the head and i just miss being healthy in japan and taking thousands of steps everyday. i just wanna have fun i just wanna have fun i never asked for this i mean i did when i was younger but not now i wanted to keep havin gfun everything is supposed to be fun.

i actually have a dream suicide method but unfortunately everyone would find my body way to easily. so i realize the easiest way is to buy a gun. yes. i need to buy a gun and go somewhere where no one will EVER FIND ME and shoot myself in the head, and then let the wildlife eat my remains. yes., and it'll be so sad for evryone in my life bt it's not like i'll amount to much anyways.

i keep having horrible dreams. i'll never know peace.

1.4.25| Explaining Why I Am Talking So Much

I write lots of entries without saying anything significant. I realize this and it might be frustrating for people who like for me to update occasionally. It's just that- I've been struggling with knowing if I'm thinking anything at all. I don't experience must joy or desire to do anything lately. I've gotten through a chunk of a game called Anodyne, and while I enjoy it, I can say it does drag the life out of me. I finish art, but it doesn't spark joy. I put cute outfits together, but I don't sparkle.

When I write, I guess it's kind of me going "I think therefore I am." How do you know you're thinking if you have no command over the written word? You know? I took adderral today wondering if it'd fix this feeling, but I was feeling so sick that it was difficult to really tell if there was any noticeable difference. I did make a drawing though- an entire drawing with a background. Which is not normal. Usually I think that I'll fail or it's too much effort for an outcome that won't be good. There's only a few backgrounds I can do that social media will enjoy, and I knew this one wasn't one of them, but I got so into the piece that I couldn't stop myself.

So I guess it works yeah.. But it's hard to know because I have periods where I just fixate on drawing and nothing else even when I'm not medicated. I didn't really do anything else today other than text my mom a bit angrily "I need stronger medicine" because my sinus infection was killing me. I took mucinex sinux and fluticasone. Both helped a lot more than everything else I'd been taking. For a while I could breathe clearly.. Though the fluticasone became ineffective after a few hours, but I'm hoping it'll be completely effective after a few days. I at least want to be able to spend the last of my week feeling well.

I guess I'll show the drawing I did. I don't do that often. I'm going to link from tumblr because I don't feel like converting it to a webp yet. If Tumblr dies and you're looking at this in the future, sorry xc (though I may fix the link after I add it to my website files for my archive).

I'm just doing that thing where I'm trying to tell stories via illustrations and hoping my brain latches onto one. I wanted to make my Kie game next or something, but blegh blegh. I had another idea, but it doesn't feel quite right. Everything's weird. It's hard being an eccentric creative haha.

Anyway, I'll see you later babes. Get your flu shot and drink lots of water.

1.3.25| fighting misanthropy

it's become more apparent to me that in the last year i've been developing misanthropic tendencies. sometimes i think- why am i so lonely? then i reflect on myself and recall how much my misanthropy makes me just come off as completely indifferent to the others. at times, i realize i'm an asshole. not in a mean girl saying callous things way, but in a you can just tell i'm feigning interest in a conversation way. i'm not even trying very hard.

I think I'm just very hopeless about everything lately. I don't know. I don't think I fit in anywhere, and the spaces I felt most comfortable in don't really feel like my spaces anymore. People I thought were my friends are different people now, and well, I'm a different person now too. In the past I always wanted to be kind. I still want to be.. But.. what's the point.. It doesn't really.. do anything.. No one really cares.

I recognize that a lot of my misanthropy is a result of my own disatissfaction and anxiety. If I was more secure being alone and was more confident in myself, I'd still view everyone in an innocent way probably. Maybe I'll return to my happy go lucky self in a few months time. I don't want to lose my joy and whimsy.

Also, these feelings of misanthropy are accompanied by general hopeless. I am worried I'll never be able to get a job and about various other things. An internship that looked good for me rejected me, despite my resume being perfect for them from what I understand. I'm always physically unwell. I look bad right now. It makes me really unhappy.

I'm tired of going to my psychiatrist. It's so expensive. Sleep study expensive. Being an RA making me insane. I did do well in most of my classes at least, so that is one thing to feel good about. It's just anhedonia makes it hard to even accept my wins.

But.. despite my brain being silly, I'm still determined to make 2025 a good year. RPG Maker Zine releasing! Rain is my girlfriend! There's not much else going on admittedly, but that just means I can bend the world to my will ahaha.. Yeah..

See you on the other side girls.

1.1.25| happy new year

At first I typed jan2024 as the title of this file was and wondering why it isn't working. Duuh. It's 2025. We're halfway through the roaaring 20s. Well, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

My flu is gone, and now I've got this horrible sinus pressure. My teeth hurt, and I'm super congested. It's so annoying, but it's survivable. I'm just happy about the new year. You might be wondering? Do you still feel like a lunatic? The answer is yes. But I'm hoping that.. It gets.. absorbed... you know.

I guess I should say my Resolutions.

Here is the art list

- Withdraw from the world a bit - After RPG Maker Zine releases, I just wanna stick to smaller projects that appeal to like really small/niche groups of people, if I do any group projects/jams at all. It's hard having a lot of eyes on me, and I need to a break for a really long time from being watched and interacting with lots of people.

- Make some small games - I had a lot of fun making Meat Girl so I want to make more games like that.. maybe another for yuri jam or something. I want to join more game jams and make more projects like that cause it's a really good time. I enjoy it more than the long development timeline of Ommatophilia

- Spread out larger projects - I'm kind of an insane person. The first point on this list was partially caused by me being watched by people, but I also got really tired because I kept doing one project then another then another. I just feel like I need to always have my hands moving, or I'll waste away- not realizing that I'll waste away if I never stop moving. Apparently I released Meat Girl 38 days ago, and I released Ommatophilia 8 days ago, and there's another thing that's technically supposed to go up in 9 days. I need someone to yell at me to CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

I technically have lolita and irl goals and stuff too but.. I.. am getting a headache now... And tbh.. It's mostly.. Buy from support brand and indie, buy secondhand less.. I also want to go out more with just random friends or even alone because I go insane being alone in my dorm haha.

Au revoir.