.

hii everyone. i'm so sleepy. how are you? i woke up at 5:47 this morning. i was dreaming about being trapped in some evil man's house. i was crawling through the vents hiding, and he kept outsmarting me at every turn. it really frustrated me, and also it was terrifying because i didn't want to be murdered horribly you know.

i've included my outfit from yesterday. i bought a very cute baby blouse on lacemarket yesterday and paired it with a baby skirt. it ended up making one of the cutest coords i've ever worn to be honest. it goes so well together. it almost looks like an OP. it's nice that i was able to get something so cute via Lacemarket. I've felt unlucky lately. I got something else nice today too. yippie yippie. my closet is going well.

my period started today so i'm tired and not feeling my best haha. just kinda garbage. it's been feeling like it'll start for the last two weeks and i was complaining about it yesterday and i guess uterus heard me and finally decided to cry. it's kinda ruining appetite and just making me feel icky. i wanna curl up in my bed and sleep for several hours. i'm sitting at my desk right now. i have work in 5 hours and at some point today my groceries will be delivered, so i really could sleep for a bit longer, but trying to make my sleeping schedule not so horrible. i know nothing will fix it, but i wanna try you know.

it's almost valentine's day, and i'm super excited. i'm going to wear pink. i sold my pink shirring jsk, so i was thinking i'd just wear black or white at first, but hands on some pink again. it's actually AP (though it could be mistaken for baby... i did at first.) i was a bit surprised it hadn't been bought while i was making my decision haha. i want to collect that style of JSK so it was nice seeing it for the price i'm willing to buy it at cx.\

I'm not sure if it'll rain on Valentine's weekend or not. If it doesn't, i'm hoping my girlfriend and i can walk around downtown and go antique shopping. i have a gift in mind for her, but i need to remember to buy it in a timely manner so it can ship on time. i'm queen of procrastination city you know..

i'm listening to the music i have on this page. it's kinda weird huh? i enjoy it. i think i chose all of it while very sad. it's all music i enjoy listening too while sad or thinking, but i'm not sure it suits the aesthetic though i've been meaning to update the aesthetic of the page for a while. i just keep not doing because i'm a clown (extreme mode). i know what colors i want to do and everything.. just kinda tired. always seems like too much energy. and it's been this one for so long. it almost feels weird to change it.

oh also final update. i dropped my japanese minor. i know. very sad. i love japanese very much, but i realized i wanted to graduate on time. i'm hoping post bachelor's degree i can take Japanese classes again or something, but for now i am just far too stressed out and busy to really focus on it. also the hypersomnia just makes it too difficult to study for a language class. it was kinda interesting dropping it because i suddenly realized i had time to do things. when i take japanese, i basically always need to be studying. now i can draw or play games in peace and still have plenty of time to get schoolwork done. it's.. a sacrifice that makes me very sad, but it's nice to be able to relax mostly guilt free.

i'll see you later. adios!

1.23.25| SHOCKING!

I BOUGHT A SHOCK WATCH. you might be thinking? um? the fuck is a shock watch? it's a watch that shocks you to wake you up- basically a new form of alarm clock for really heavy sleepers. it's a WEIRD THING TO PURCHASE I KNOW, but i have already missed some classes due to the sleep drunkenness. it's horrible.

It kind of enrages me to miss classes haha because of the choices I make when I'm not even completely conscious. Sleep study is still in two months, and I need to do well this semester you know. Attendance also counts in all of my in person classes this semester so missing most of my classes this week is a bad look. I will keep you updated on shock watch.. unless I forget. which I do often.

Anyway, how is everyone? I've been pretty antsy myself. I've been a bit bored of my normal artstyle, so tryign to experiment. My friend works at an art store in PNW and is sending me some art supplies which I'm excited for. It's Pilot Mixable Colour Ink, Kuretaki Gansai Tambi Paints, a Pentalic 5x7 Sketchbook, Simply Simmons Perfect For All Paints Value Brush Set, and a Kakuno Fountain Pen Pilot M. She also included some other goodies too. Oh, there's also a cat shaped pencil pouch. Alas, I must wait for the post office.

Oh also I realized I don't post many pictures of my coords here nowadays (because I'm always tired as fuck LOL.)

_{Fun. I threw this on when I realized I slept through the first 20 minutes of work. Also if I look dead inside well. THE POLITICAL NEWS CYCLE WILL DO THAT TO YOU. But to be honest I haven't been able to escape it and don't wanna talk about it here lol.}

_{Zed sewed me this cutsew for Christmas isn't it cute? As well as clothes for my doll (will get pics later). Zed so nice wah wah.}

_{also here's pictures i took at ollie's in december before i got sick lol}

okay that gets us caught up on recent fits right? not completely i'm sure. i need to do better posting here. i'm going to get lazier and allow myself to host from tumblr more. if tumblr goes down, i'm sure they'll warn us (HOPEFULLY) so i can just replace them by hand lol :p

i'm very excited to get my art supplies. i'm always itching to be drawing on paper you know? it'd give me something to do during meetings and while on call and during my free time.. though honestly drawing on my ipad with brushes i'm not used to has been really fun to. i tried out flipnote brushes the other day and drew tomie.

it was very fun. i'd like to do it again. i'd also like to try to take inspiration from pc-98 with some colored things and not just pc-98 but old vns like lief.i think i could emulate the lief art style fine actually which makes me wanna draw my ocs in it ahaha. the most difficult thing might be the eyes.. not sure.

so many things to do in this world! so little time. especially when you're in college. i should be studying for JP right now really.i forgot so much vocabulary. it's embarrassing.

my earbuds are about to die and that will result in suffering so i must go! see you later!

1.9.25| bacterial

Heyy everyone. What's uupp.. Sorry for the breakdown a few days ago. I wrote 1.7.25 then didn't upload it so it just looked like I had a mental breakdown then disappeared. I still have been in a weird state. I'm trying not to lose myself. I want to be kind and full of love. I went to the doctor today, and she said "oh you poor thing" and after being berated by family for days, it was a bit surprising to be met with kindness.

i played games with my friends yesterday.. collective unconscious, if, stuff on ynoproject you know. it made me feel a bit more human. i've been so in my head.. i've been lonely and miserable and anxious. my mom treats me badly. my job treats me badly. my body and brain treats me badly. it's nice when others are nice to me and we can laugh together.

at the doctor's office they diagnosed me with strep and prescribed me antibiotics. my mom put off taking me to the doctor for so long. it was bacterial the entire time. everyone kept saying it was a virus and that it was my fault i hadn't gotten better. it's hard. life is difficult when your family wants you to feel like a screw up.

1.7.25| Catharsis Or Whatever

To be honest I want to say "yesterday I wasn't normal, apologies!" But it's important to acknowledge when you are living in an unsustainable way that results in you lashing out. I do recognize I am still very silly though. Every once in a while I go absolutely insane. Yesterday I was alone in the house screaming and crying and walking around ranting and raving to myself. I realized I was not in a normal state, and I needed to calm myself down.

I watched Demon Slayer since the new season is out. It was nice. I talked in depth with Zed about things I enjoy about it. It's hard for me to talk publicly about liking Demon Slayer because everyone immediately tells me how mid it is or how they don't like it and to be honest I just.. Don't.. really.. care. I'm.. honestly so tired. I feel like in so many conversations with people my interests are made fun of or belittled or I'm misunderstood or I'm treated as insignificant, and I just don't have the patience anymore you know. Sorry I'm not talking to you about Berserk I guess.

I don't really know what to do or what I want or how to proceed. I don't really wanna talk about my feelings or things I enjoy outside of close friends and my blog anymore. People just don't really understand me and they don't want to. They just want to be close to me without trying to understand how they are affecting me, or they want to be around me for reasons that are inconceivable to me. I don't think I'm nice. I'm very catty and snide nowadays. I used to be pretty nice, but I feel like my irritability is leaking out in everything I do. I just can't play social games anymore jaja.

But I'm chilling right now. I'm watching my friend play Yume Tsushin. What a neat game... Really inspiring to me.

1.6.25| my true nature // i want to say goodbye

it's true! i hate everyone! the little things people do irritate me! begging for my affection, my appreciation, my comradery! i find it repulsive! i hate it all! i hate your expectations of me! I hate how you say dumb bullshit! i hate your hypocrisy! i hate how we all complain endlessly i hate everything it all neveer ends! everyone endlessly chasing everything! analyzing every word i say! is this about me? maybe? maybe it is about you? a little? oh obviously you're saying this thing in you're writing. this is how you must be thinking.

you're unique because of the way you dress. you're cute and skinny. you should stay skinny., why don't you gain weight? gaining weight would look good on you? you're too thin. oh i know i'm too thin, but FOOD IS DIGUSTING. EVERYTHING IS DISGUSTING. I HATE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD AND EVEN THE ONE THING THAT BROGUHT ME JOY, THE DIVERSITY OF THE HUMAN PALETTE ON MY TASTEBUDS, IT HARDLY APPEALS TO ME ANYMORE.

Oh you're looking well! Oh how are you? YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT? YOU APPEAR WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU. And I'm not even better. I vanish and come back all the time. But I did try in the past. BUt the human condition. It's inconceivable? Impossible? Is joy? There? Sometimes I talk to my granny and she doesn'tseem happy. I can'ts top crying. It feelslike I'mleaving suicide letters everywhere but no one cares.

i can't buy a gun in tennessee but i can in mississippi. they don'teven do a background check. thank god for my shitty backwater state doing one good thing for me.HAHA. soon it'll be over im sure.

can someone help me? no one can help me? i go a psychiatrist then a mental hospital. oh your insurance isn't taken. oh your life looks fine. bla bla bl ablbalablaboabklbkbaklbala. kill yourselves. honestly i understand mass shooters. EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD IS USELESS. INCLUDING ME. WHY LIVE IN THIS WORLD OF USELESS PEOPLE WHEN IM THE MOST USELESS OF THEM ALL.

i remember when i was younger seeing beautiful thin girls suffering on tumblr and on tv screens and now my legs are so thin and my ribs are visible and my nose bled all over my bed and i can't stop crying and i want to shoot myself in the head and i just miss being healthy in japan and taking thousands of steps everyday. i just wanna have fun i just wanna have fun i never asked for this i mean i did when i was younger but not now i wanted to keep havin gfun everything is supposed to be fun.

i actually have a dream suicide method but unfortunately everyone would find my body way to easily. so i realize the easiest way is to buy a gun. yes. i need to buy a gun and go somewhere where no one will EVER FIND ME and shoot myself in the head, and then let the wildlife eat my remains. yes., and it'll be so sad for evryone in my life bt it's not like i'll amount to much anyways.

i keep having horrible dreams. i'll never know peace.

1.4.25| Explaining Why I Am Talking So Much

I write lots of entries without saying anything significant. I realize this and it might be frustrating for people who like for me to update occasionally. It's just that- I've been struggling with knowing if I'm thinking anything at all. I don't experience must joy or desire to do anything lately. I've gotten through a chunk of a game called Anodyne, and while I enjoy it, I can say it does drag the life out of me. I finish art, but it doesn't spark joy. I put cute outfits together, but I don't sparkle.

When I write, I guess it's kind of me going "I think therefore I am." How do you know you're thinking if you have no command over the written word? You know? I took adderral today wondering if it'd fix this feeling, but I was feeling so sick that it was difficult to really tell if there was any noticeable difference. I did make a drawing though- an entire drawing with a background. Which is not normal. Usually I think that I'll fail or it's too much effort for an outcome that won't be good. There's only a few backgrounds I can do that social media will enjoy, and I knew this one wasn't one of them, but I got so into the piece that I couldn't stop myself.

So I guess it works yeah.. But it's hard to know because I have periods where I just fixate on drawing and nothing else even when I'm not medicated. I didn't really do anything else today other than text my mom a bit angrily "I need stronger medicine" because my sinus infection was killing me. I took mucinex sinux and fluticasone. Both helped a lot more than everything else I'd been taking. For a while I could breathe clearly.. Though the fluticasone became ineffective after a few hours, but I'm hoping it'll be completely effective after a few days. I at least want to be able to spend the last of my week feeling well.

I guess I'll show the drawing I did. I don't do that often. I'm going to link from tumblr because I don't feel like converting it to a webp yet. If Tumblr dies and you're looking at this in the future, sorry xc (though I may fix the link after I add it to my website files for my archive).

I'm just doing that thing where I'm trying to tell stories via illustrations and hoping my brain latches onto one. I wanted to make my Kie game next or something, but blegh blegh. I had another idea, but it doesn't feel quite right. Everything's weird. It's hard being an eccentric creative haha.

Anyway, I'll see you later babes. Get your flu shot and drink lots of water.

1.3.25| fighting misanthropy

it's become more apparent to me that in the last year i've been developing misanthropic tendencies. sometimes i think- why am i so lonely? then i reflect on myself and recall how much my misanthropy makes me just come off as completely indifferent to the others. at times, i realize i'm an asshole. not in a mean girl saying callous things way, but in a you can just tell i'm feigning interest in a conversation way. i'm not even trying very hard.

I think I'm just very hopeless about everything lately. I don't know. I don't think I fit in anywhere, and the spaces I felt most comfortable in don't really feel like my spaces anymore. People I thought were my friends are different people now, and well, I'm a different person now too. In the past I always wanted to be kind. I still want to be.. But.. what's the point.. It doesn't really.. do anything.. No one really cares.

I recognize that a lot of my misanthropy is a result of my own disatissfaction and anxiety. If I was more secure being alone and was more confident in myself, I'd still view everyone in an innocent way probably. Maybe I'll return to my happy go lucky self in a few months time. I don't want to lose my joy and whimsy.

Also, these feelings of misanthropy are accompanied by general hopeless. I am worried I'll never be able to get a job and about various other things. An internship that looked good for me rejected me, despite my resume being perfect for them from what I understand. I'm always physically unwell. I look bad right now. It makes me really unhappy.

I'm tired of going to my psychiatrist. It's so expensive. Sleep study expensive. Being an RA making me insane. I did do well in most of my classes at least, so that is one thing to feel good about. It's just anhedonia makes it hard to even accept my wins.

But.. despite my brain being silly, I'm still determined to make 2025 a good year. RPG Maker Zine releasing! Rain is my girlfriend! There's not much else going on admittedly, but that just means I can bend the world to my will ahaha.. Yeah..

See you on the other side girls.

1.1.25| happy new year

At first I typed jan2024 as the title of this file was and wondering why it isn't working. Duuh. It's 2025. We're halfway through the roaaring 20s. Well, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

My flu is gone, and now I've got this horrible sinus pressure. My teeth hurt, and I'm super congested. It's so annoying, but it's survivable. I'm just happy about the new year. You might be wondering? Do you still feel like a lunatic? The answer is yes. But I'm hoping that.. It gets.. absorbed... you know.

I guess I should say my Resolutions.

Here is the art list

- Withdraw from the world a bit - After RPG Maker Zine releases, I just wanna stick to smaller projects that appeal to like really small/niche groups of people, if I do any group projects/jams at all. It's hard having a lot of eyes on me, and I need to a break for a really long time from being watched and interacting with lots of people.

- Make some small games - I had a lot of fun making Meat Girl so I want to make more games like that.. maybe another for yuri jam or something. I want to join more game jams and make more projects like that cause it's a really good time. I enjoy it more than the long development timeline of Ommatophilia

- Spread out larger projects - I'm kind of an insane person. The first point on this list was partially caused by me being watched by people, but I also got really tired because I kept doing one project then another then another. I just feel like I need to always have my hands moving, or I'll waste away- not realizing that I'll waste away if I never stop moving. Apparently I released Meat Girl 38 days ago, and I released Ommatophilia 8 days ago, and there's another thing that's technically supposed to go up in 9 days. I need someone to yell at me to CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

I technically have lolita and irl goals and stuff too but.. I.. am getting a headache now... And tbh.. It's mostly.. Buy from support brand and indie, buy secondhand less.. I also want to go out more with just random friends or even alone because I go insane being alone in my dorm haha.

Au revoir.