DATE: 07/14/2021 12:44:54
This is my first entry! Apologies as it will be very depressing. After the 26th I should have more exciting things to write.
I have not been able to respond to messages very well today- I kind of just dissociated the day away. I think this morning I saw something really racist and my tolerance tends to be very high but it triggered a specific part of me... It really made me lose my will to look forward to the rest of the day. Racism is inescapable.. My tolerance for it may continue to increase but I have to remember other people do not care about me and will never treat me like a human that should be respected because of my skin color.
I continue to get more and more isolated from every community I once found comfort in because of things out of my control. The racism of the anime and fashion communities, the toxicity in black communities, the antiblackness and gender essentialism found in LGBT groups, the ableism common in art circles.. I would rather sleep than deal with any of it I think. Lately I have been sleeping until 2pm and it is nice to not be awake. I do not have to overthink all the time. My mom will probably kill me if I keep this up though (Ｔ＿Ｔ)
On the bright side, my darling came online today and he comforted me. It was okay. We talked about Megaman and me turning 18 in less than two weeks and other things. It was exciting. I did not think he'd be online at all so it was very surprising. I went through some of my old game files to show him and uploaded them to my private twitter. I would like to work on my game again soon- I tell myself I will in August since I won't have crushing responsibilities that month if things go according to plan.
Despite my love coming online, I still can not get rid of this agony. The weeks have been getting worse (;_;) I keep making friends because knowing other people is good for the soul and it's nice to reach out to others after being isolated for months aside from conversations I have with two my darlings when they come online. I'm happy to make other people happy. I love my friends dearly- I even made a new one recently who is very lovely.
It's just the void inside me grows and I worry it will destroy every relationship I have. I just look forward to the 26th- the day I can leave, but will I be able to escape truly? Or will I stay in this haze- constantly swinging between anhedonia and misery.
My friend described my comedically miserable well- "Local boy whose entire existence is experiencing constant irritation akin to the way a clam will produce a pearl because its so fucking irritated by the painful sand inside its shell"
Everything hurts a lot, but it's okay.. I will keep going. I'm just so tired- I do not know how I am alive, but maybe there will be something to look forward to in the future. I have hope despite my growing hatred with humanity. And even if every human betrays me in the end, at least I can still watch the mushrooms throughout the year and work on art until I die..
TITLE: God Fearing
DATE: 07/15/2021 08:56:53
Today I am feeling very tired and confused. The day is almost over again. It is only the 14th... I am ready for it to be the 26th already. How can time pass quickly and slowly at the same time?
I can't wait to be out of the bible belt. I want a new phone number, new hair, new clothes, new room, new mushrooms to identify. I want to be able to tell someone in psychiatry I am struggling without them telling me "You're beautiful and God has a plan for you." That's all. I am so tired.
Right now I am drawing... Drawing is a bit painful, but I'm trying my best. I feel a lot of envy for other artists who have people who love their art or are connected to other members of the community. I don't really exist to other people do I? No one really likes me. That's fine. I can draw my little characters and spend money on silly things and play games until my brain melts out of my ears. And then eventually I'll die with no one to mourn me.
Other people have came to my house today I've watched videos with other people in it. My sisters have messed up my room. I see words coming on screen being sent from other humans, so I know they're around. Despite all of this proof that other people exist, I can't help but wonder where is everyone is.
Maybe I should take a nap...
DATE: 07/15/2021 17:08:03
My brain feels like it's leaking.. What's wrong with me? Why is everything I do a failure? Why does everyone hate me eventually? (I know why)
I am lying in bed listening to music.. Everything hurts a lot. I'm trying to relax. It's like my brain is attacking me... I have to take a big test tomorrow. I don't really care. I might not write anything. Maybe I'll go to sleep.
I sit in my room with my computer. I try to connect to others but they are just out of reach. Perhaps I am a ghost. I don't really exist do I? Someone who exists would be sought out by someone rather than rotting alone in their room ;-;
Rotting in my bedroom.. My teenage years wasted. I am a corpse. The decomposition is spreading. I hope the fungus eat me soon.
Apologies for the strange ramble.. It is 3am. I am trying not to kill myself because I am alone. I don't want to ask anyone for help so working on my little blog will be my release for now.
Forgiveness please ;_;
DATE: 07/16/2021 11:38:52
It is 9 o'clock. The test I thought was tomorrow is actually Sunday. I will go to bed early and hopefully sleep all day tomorrow.. I have only been awake for three hours though. I am not sure I will be able to sleep.. I just want to avoid my problems I think T_T
I am too scared to talk to anyone about my feelings despite people reaching out to me. I am also convinced that if I disappeared, everyone would forget me. I am not sure what to do anymore..
I'm very hungry.. I think my mom was happy that I was buying my own food despite not paying me.. Now I have no more money to buy food with and my mom won't even try to feed me. She says the food I eat "isn't normal" which is why it's my fault that she won't buy me food I guess... I'm hungry and tired and disoriented. I have had fruit and cereal and yogurt at least. I'm trying to not waste away.
I feel a weird sense of betrayal, but I know it's just the psychosis. I feel like someone is trying to hurt me so now I'm too scared to talk to anyone.... I feel like I am hurting others by isolating myself, but I don't know what to say or do. I don't know if anyone can comfort me when I'm like this. All I can feel is other people hating me even if they don't actually feel that way. I really wish I hadn't been born at all.