7.31.24 | whisper of the heart
if you've read my entries over the years or know me personally, you likely realize my mother and i have a very conflicted relationship. it's definitely been better as of late, but there's still a lot of strain there. i predict the tension between us will never be completely overcome, and i'll likely fuck off to another state or country. i do say this with a heavy heart though. i am able to speak rather flippantly as it's something i'm very well aware of and have ultimately come to peace with. i am just much happier away from her. she does not feel the same way though.
my mom has recently become ~burned out~. anyone with a brain could've predicted the lifestyle she leads would result in this. my mom first started having children (other than me) 9 years ago. it was a very exhausting time for me and her. she then had another child two years later. life got even more exhausting as they were both very young. my mother would often say i wasn't helping very much though when i think back, i remember always being very tired of my siblings. i was angry with school, my siblings, my mother, and exhaustion crept over my soul every single day. my mother would randomly leave me with my siblings for hours at a time- something she continues to do. she insisted this was not much work and would list how little work it was for me. i would not be able to fight back. perhaps it wasn't much work, but i was a child. i'm 21 (happy birthday to me by the way. i turned 21 on the 25th), so i was like 11-13 years old when my first sister was born. while part of me wants to say, that isn't that young, now that i'm 21, i really consider anyone 17 and under a little baby. i was also dealing with a lot of mental illness.
that is to say, i got into the routine of things with my sisters after some years. life was nice and smooth as they got older. i mean they still made lots of messes. they were a handful, but i was able to communicate with them and they were able to communicate and play with one another. it was tiring but okay.
then my mother announced she was pregnant with my brother.
i was. not well. after she announced this. i expressed my exasperation. my cousin expressed her exasperation. my granny expressed it too. i do feel a lot of love for my brother. he is wonderful. fantastic. i fear one day he may read this entry and worry that he was a burden, but my response to this is that i adore you. i do adore you. when i moved away, you were my biggest concern. i'm always worried about you. i was the one who recommended you go to speech therapy. i've recommended so much for you- to make sure you are well. i simply think mother was equipped to handle another child at that time, and i worry about how that will effect your future. men in this city, in this region- a lot of them end up not being very good people. my mom was so focused on having a boy that i guess she didn't think about the future that would lead to. i want.. you to have a happy future.
you have recently been experiencing behavioral difficulties after turning 3 years old. i won't go into details here for your and my mother's privacy, but i'll just say you have a had a rapid personality change. you are at an age where you cannot communicate your anxieties very well, so i'm very worried about you.
i am not equipped to deal with it, and my mother is very tired. she's so anxious all the time. she cries. and with a husband that is unwilling to help, two daughters that are too young to do much other than have fun, and me, a mentally ill misanthropic college student with a horrible case of lethargy.. she doesn't quite have an entire village on her side. when my mom had my siblings, my granny also helped. she was younger, she hadn't been impacted by Covid at the time, and well, i don't know how she dealt with taking care of my granddad and helping my mom with my siblings, but she did. while my grandfather has passed away, she is older and has less energy now.
i feel a lot of empathy for you. you cry for attention. you want to be around mother all the time. you want to play. you want to have fun, but everyone is too old to really play with you. you're the only boy in the house really since your dad works so much. you will always feel a degree of separation from your sisters and likely me as a result. you want to have fun the way your sisters have fun, but your mother holds you back due to the gender you've been assigned. you want to have fun with granny, but she's so tired nowadays. you want mother's attention, but she has four children, in inattentive husband, and a demanding job. i wish i could be around more, but i've run away from it all now. i want to be a sanctuary for you.. but i've already realized that i have to get out of this place. i'm a lesbian. i dress like a freak, and i'm an artist in a place with a dying art scene. while i'd love to sacrifice everything for you, i know my mental health cannot take it.
i don't know where to go with this entry anymore. i didn't realize i had all of these feelings. on our stardew valley farm, i made a cabin for you. in animal crossing new horizons, we made a house for oyu. i gave you the controller, but you didn't really understand.. i'm waiting for you.
7.22.24 | drawn out ramble about inspiration
Lately I've been listening to podcasts. I jump back and forth between game dev, podcasts, and a little bit of music (I actually find music really irritating lately which is why podcasts have been my go to, but that is besides the point).
I struggle with writing blogposts lately. A lot of my favorite bloggers don't really write anymore.. or make posts pretty infrequently. I took my own ability to write blogposts off the fly for granted. I assumed I'd always have things to say, but then it became more and more difficult. I felt as though I had to reach into the very depths of my soul to pull out a single word…
I guess the well dried up.
Podcasts are interesting. I enjoy their format. I don't really listen to conversational podcasts where people just state their opinions. I like blogs for that. What I enjoy nowadays are horror podcasts. And as I listen to more fiction podcasts, I find myself more and more inspired to work on my game or make visual novels… Or even make my own fictional podcast. But I wouldn't do that until I've listened to way more podcasts than I have. That will never happen simply because I don't listen to podcasts that often.
I'm nearing the end of my dev cycle for Ommatophilia. I've been reading lots of visual novels (more than usual) since I'm a judge for the menhera jam. I find myself using more images and words near the end as I read more visual novels. I've got to start playing RPG Maker games again.
Making new webpages is a pain lately. Finding new websites I enjoy is a pain too. Everyone online is like “get on nekoweb” or “browse through neocities,” but it's not really enough. A lot of webpages are kind of repetitive- which isn't bad... Just not inspiring. Favorite anime character pages, blog that isn't updated very often, favorite music, about page, reviews, art page, webcore, animecore, etc. It was all really enthralling for years, but now.. Perhaps it's all less magical now that I've been in this space for 3ish years.
My favorites of things tend to shift and change as things update over time, but nothing has caught my eye lately..
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. Ive got some ideas for PHP projects, but I have to sit down and brush up my PHP skills. I'd rather just work on my game, you know?
I hope to finish my Nihon study abroad page soon.
7.8.24 | unfinished entry i forgot about
what's up! i forgot to mention in any of my diary entries that i'd be going on a cruise during the final week of june. it was not my choice though i am grateful of course. hopefully this is the last cruise i experience in my life though. haha. being stuck in the middle of the ocean with no internet is not exactly my idea of fun, especially when most of the fun my family members in my age group were having consisted of drinking and night life. i'm a very boring person as you know (no partying, no drinking, no staying up late unless i'm doing art or suffering from insomnia). i got designated to watching my siblings after they fell asleep so my parents could go out and have fun since i would be asleep or playing tears of the kingdom.
i did do things i enjoyed though... i liked to eat. i ate lots of good food. also, we had 3 we stopped at. the first one i did not enjoy. it was in the dominican republic. we just.. were at a pool. my cousin made a seat for me at the bar, but the pool water felt disgusting to me. i got out and got back on the cruise then worked on a website commission while i had internet. the next stop was in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I really loved it. colonialism sucked for the world but boy could Europeans design beautiful structures (though i'm struggling to identify who actually built san cristobal? was it slaves? was it spanish workers? who knows?)
wait be right back i'm going to take a nap.