TITLE: Musings and a Cemetery Visit DATE: 06/01/2022 04:43:00 BODY:

It’s June 1st.

I go to school so soon. I’m so nervous. I’ve been reading about conversations and how to keep them going. Getting involved in pop culture seems like a way to get conversations rolling. I struggle with thinking of things to say lately. I often default to simple “yay” “good job” and it is all very genuine but I realize it’s very difficult for people to respond to.

I started watching Demon Slayer and hope to watch other popular anime and play some popular games. I struggle with Fire Emblem Three Houses but I think I’ll pick it back up or I’ll try to finish Hollow Knight. People really enjoy talking about Hollow Knight, but it’s a struggle for me to finish. I hope I manage to complete it despite its difficulty. I’m at the traitor mantis lord now. I feel like i’ve lost motivation to finish. Sometimes I just want to watch a play through of it.

I’m tired… I feel like I might crash. I’m very anxious but trying to talk to others and heal. I feel really bad when I’m alone, so I’m trying my best to not be alone and keep busy when I am. That’s partially why I’m writing this.

I went home with my granny after the party yesterday. I’ll be staying here until Thursday. We’re heading to the cemetery to visit my great great grandmother. It’s a bit scary.. I feel like death is getting closer and closer to me.. It’s technically already here. I miss my dog a lot. He visits me in dreams and I wake up and forget he’s gone. Then I remember and I grieve.

At the party yesterday, my cousin and I talked a lot about school. I’m so anxious, but she made me feel reassured. It seems like it could be fun. I’m super worried, but maybe it’ll be okay. My aunt talked so me about what I’d pack and I smiled and nodded. I am very excited even if I am afraid. The fear overrides my excitement. People ask me if I’m okay a lot lately. I smile and say yes, but I wonder if my anxiety shows on my face…

We came back from the cemetery a little while ago. Cemeteries are such depressing places. Someone had vandalized some of the headstones and stolen some of the flowers. The papers for the cemetery were destroyed so some bodies are buried out there with no headstone to mark them, lost. It’s sad. I wish I could stop thinking about death so much lately, but at least I am thinking about something.

Despite the sadness, it was also nice. I got to see my great great granny’s grave. My family talked fondly and happily about old family members who passed away. We were sad about the vandalized graves of people we didn’t know. It was nice to humanize the dead :-)

TITLE: Still At My Grandmother's House DATE: 06/02/2022 10:20:56 BODY:

I finished season 1 of Demon Slayer and it inspired me! I'm happy my theory about needing to consume media was correct. Demon Slayer being set during the Taishō era creates a lot of interesting imagery and aesthetics I haven't seen in anime before. The characters were so delightful. Inosuke is my sweet child. I love his boar mask.

I actually wondered if he would get old quickly. He was so loud and frustrating to me originally, but I adore him. Seeing him realize what it is like to be cared for and appreciated it is so sweet. I love to consume media. I love when writing moves me.

I finished up at my granny's house. I am still here! I will leave tomorrow morning. So sad so sad, but I do miss my sisters even if I don't look forward to babysitting. I talked to my granny about rough times, God, and plants. We potted some flowers together. It's been delightful. I will miss her when I go to college.

I've started to realize how important family is to me, and how much I want to be a good person who makes my family proud. I want to be loved by them and to express my love for them. My mental illness made me so distant from everyone. I wonder if I can fix it sometimes. I hate the person I was, even up to a year ago, a few months ago even. I want to be better. I want to keep being better and moving forward.

I hope I am making decisions that make me a better human. I want to be whole and okay even through the rough times. I hope my dreams stop haunting me soon and that I can leave my teenage years behind me.

TITLE: I Am Deeply Afraid of You DATE: 06/03/2022 10:07:55 BODY:

You told me I could not say no to you and framed my wording as the problem.

You made fun of my interests several times even if you didn't realize. You treated it like it was beneath you. I liked how so many things were beneath you, but I was special to you even if some of my interests didn't align with yours.

I consumed a lot of your favorite media. I remember you played Little Nightmares while I was in the room, and I was really happy..... I can't remember much else.

You abandoned me for months at a time.

You yelled at me when I said I wanted to leave. You told me to leave and only treated my nicely after I begged. I am lumping you both together.

You gave me weed when I warned you about psychosis.

You were rarely there for me. I was always there for you. You left me for months at a time. When my granny got covid, you were gone.

You showered me with gifts despite disappearing. Sometimes you'd reappear with apologies and excuses for being gone only to give me a gift and disappear again.

You'd list my flaws when interacting with you. Little issues you had with how I spoke to you. You didn't like texting me back and forth. It's not how you communicate.

You told me you'd take care of me. You convinced me to go off my meds. I was unmedicated in Seattle. You gave me weed to calm my anxiety.

You told me to list everything my mother did to me, but sometimes, I do the same with you. I still keep thinking about how it'd hurt you, despite how badly you hurt me.

I blamed myself for everything, to appease you in the end. It was all my fault. I tried so hard to appease you. It hurt me deeply. I cried for weeks. I still have nightmares about you. The worst part of this is that I miss you despite how unhealthy it was.

I tried to grow without you, but you'd often still view me as the old version of myself..

You met me when I was 15.. Our friendship ended when I was 18. I wasn't ready for any of that. You keep telling me 'this is the adult world.' Why would you pull me into it that way? Why didn't you just accept that you didn't have the power to help me? Why would you burden me with your poor decisions? I'm only 18 years old.

I cry as I type I hate you. It hurt me deeply. I'm so scared. I feel so gross.

You called me a liar to our mutual friend despite me telling you I was talking to him and explaining why you were gone. What did I lie about?

I can't take this. I'm always scared you'll come back. I wish you would apologize, but you still view all of this as my fault.

I hope sending me those emails made you happy. I regret choosing to trust you with my pain. I wish I hadn't told you anything.

TITLE: Mother is Buying Me a Milkshake DATE: 06/03/2022 10:40:44 BODY:

I feel so bad. I have to stop spiraling now.

My mom is going to Sonic to buy me a milkshake. I am happy she loves me. I just want to lie under the covers. I have a therapy appointment on the sixth.

I'm so sick. I feel like I'm going to die. I feel too small to deal with any of this.

TITLE: YouTube DATE: 06/07/2022 07:10:45 BODY:

I went to therapy. It was  nice.

I've been watching too much YouTube lately. I can feel my brain leaking out of my ears. Need to get back to game dev. Game dev.. I've got the gameplay loop of day 2 established. I just have to actually develop it now. Brain is leaking..

Woof, I feel like my mind has been so empty. Watching so much TV is definitely unhealthy. Deep breath. I'm excited for college. I need to be forced to sit down in a classroom. Sometimes I get really listless and think all I should do is watch YouTube and not live. My head hurts so badly. I used to do this more often in high school, not sure how. 

I want to game dev. I put my laptop in my bed and decided to work, but I am just sitting here. What will I do with my life? I wonder I wonder. I've watched.. So much YouTube. It's such mindless content. I prefer watching anime- at least I am consuming something with story that inspires me. I say this as I have another YouTube documentary on pause on my TV.

It' 5 o'clock. I still have time to do something.. Something productive.

I am tired.

TITLE: Lethargy DATE: 06/10/2022 05:47:19 BODY:

I've been playing Second Life. It's been nice. It made me want to draw again. Generates compositions in Second Life.

I've had a tension headache for days now. Sound is irritating to me, but also, I can't just.. stop living to deal with a headache. I am suffering.

Lately, I struggle with doing things. I game dev for about five minutes a day. I replayed Hello Charlotte ep 1 and 2, somehow. I didn't really enjoy myself. I'm not sure if my tastes are just different now or if it's just the depression. Hello Charlotte is also a pretty miserable story that is even more miserable the second time you play it.

It feels like every fiber of my being wants to not do things. The things I enjoy just aren't enjoyable. I'm struggling with focus and I often just want to sleep. I don't feel completely miserable- just lethargic. I'd like to draw. Second Life gave me a bit of inspiration.

Artfight is soon, but I don't know if I can draw in this state.. I will try my best.

TITLE: convention DATE: 06/11/2022 07:56:04 BODY:

I went to an anime convention today and we'll be attending for the next two days. It was really fun and exhausting. We left earlier than intended (I was so tired). I bought a nice dress from an independent designer!! And some jewelry from another designer. I also went to a maid cafe. The maid cafe was more fun 2-3 years ago, but oh well.

I met the sweetest gothic lolita. She was also black!! Which was so exciting. She was very enthusiastic when I said I was interested in gothic lolita fashion and recommended bodyline and lacemarket for affordable dresses! When I get a job again, I will indulge I think. I've been interested in lolita fashion for years, but I've always been too scared to take the plunge. This is a sign. It's finally time!!!

I'm really tired!!! I got compliments today on my outfit :D Which was really fun. Tomorrow I will cosplay Madotsuki!! It will be delightful.

I want to say more but exhaustion.. Zzz

TITLE: Games and Torrenting DATE: 06/14/2022 20:38:59 BODY:

I torrented the Sims Medieval. I'm happy I found easyussr's torrenting guide because i would've been too anxious to do so otherwise. last time I torrented, i was encouraged to do so without a vpn.. which frightened me and resulted in me checking my mom's email everyday to see if my isp emailed us.

my brain woke me up at 5:50 AM. I am suffering immensely.

I played Second Life with my friend yesterday. it made me really happy. i plan to play yume nikki with some friends tonight, woo. I had so much fun. I love hanging out with her :-)


TITLE: Sleep DATE: 06/16/2022 12:59:05 BODY:

Today was eventful.

I went out with my friend. We got sushi, walked around some stores, and got boba. I bought Kabi Nagata’s newest manga, My Wandering Warrior Existence at Barnes and Noble. I’m happy her manga is in stores.

I’m really sleepy, but I wanted to write about my day and future things. My family plans to take me on a little vacation for my birthday. We will be staying in a cabin in the mountains. I’m really happy they care enough to celebrate with me :-)


TITLE: Twilight DATE: 06/21/2022 07:29:53 BODY:

Today I am watching Twilight with my cousin.

It's not a good movie, however, it brings me a lot of joy. The constant discomfort of Bella makes me feel at home. The gray weather, the small town, the fashion, it feels like home. I wish I was back in the 2000s. I want to be a child again before I made all of these mistakes.

I'm not sad though. I'm happy. This nostalgia is making me feel warm inside.. I'll make new memories and experience more 'good times.'

Alice Cullen is so pretty... I wish I looked like her or that I was dating her. Both? Both.

TITLE: Career Thoughts DATE: 06/24/2022 15:18:36 BODY:

I've been thinking about the future and my goals- my desires, the things i hate, the things i love, the field I want to work in, and I kind of realized I do have a small desire to work at FAANG, Facebook/Meta specifically as much as that phrase makes me shudder.  There's just a few fields they are experimenting in that fascinate me. It's so difficult for me to think about tech. I love the idea of the tech industry despite techies being insufferable creatures. The main issue is that those jobs are very stressful and while I love the tech industry, I also hate it.

I've also been considering pursuing technical writing. It's my Number One Choice. I could major in CS and minor in technical writing or English. i have time to decide. i really enjoy writing- it's one reason i have this blog. i really enjoy documenting things.. Eventually, I'd like to start a proper blog with the goal of making money using wordpress or something. I'm just not sure what I'd cover though. I like the tech industry but I don't think I'll work in silicon valley unless I really do decide to work at FAANG... If something possesses me. A technical writing CS job sounds really comfy though c:

The main depressing factor is that a technical writer makes less than a software engineer, data analyst, or (insert other IT job here), but I think I'd be much happier with that job than a software engineering job. I'll have a lot of time to think about it in school and nothing will stop me from transitioning to a tech related job if I grow tired of my technical writing job, you know?

So my goal will be:

Hurray! Finally, a goal. Wish me luck!

TITLE: Love and Friendship Rambling DATE: 06/25/2022 16:26:53 BODY:

I don't believe in soulmates. I'm not sure how hard love / true friendship is to find. I will never be imprisoned by the idea of soulmates again, and I hope others can be freed from it.

I've been watching a goth couple on YouTube, and I've been analyzing other couples.. There's a lot of people around us. We can get along easily if both parties communicate smoothly. I think I could date some people I know now and things would be fine, aside from the complete lack of mutual romantic attraction.

There's this tumblr post I like I have in my nightmares tag, a tag dedicated to things that bring up bad memories or "bad nostalgia."

The post is here. It is about relationships and how the initiative of both parties is necessary for its survival. And I think about it.. I think about my last close friendship and my constant "initiation" and the running of the other party. And in the end, the sides flipped really. And I was afraid of the "initiation."

I don't know. Rambling rambling.

I think I can find love, maybe not easily. I'm not the easiest to love. I don't really mind. I'm yearning again but this time I'm not really sad. I'm scared of all the fish.

TITLE: things to bring up in therapy today DATE: 06/29/2022 00:25:16 BODY:
- The crushing loneliness
- Fear of getting older
- Missing them and I hope I cope
- How disconnected I feel