I really hate church. Like. So much. I'm so tired.
Since coming home, my pastor has been going on and on about how the country has turned away from god by allowing LGBT to live the lives they want to live, and how they're pushing an agenda. He uses sermons as his giant rant sessions to complain about people like me. Today he literally said "hopefully you don't have to go that far" when referring to kicking out your kids who are LGBT.
I.. That's so fucking disgusting. I can't stand him. I texted my mom tonight telling her I don't want to go anymore. I'm going to try to talk to my granny about not liking that church and it stressing me out a lot. There's been a lot of things that happened in that place over the years which have resulted in my PTSD worsening, and I am tired of sacrificing my mental health just to make my family happy. They know I hate it, yet they make me go anyway and berate me if I don't. I find it so fucking frustrating. I can't stand it. I am almost 20 years old and I'm still being dragged to this awful fucking building i've dreaded for a decade.
A decade!!!!! I've been dealing with this bullshit for a decade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just texted my granny too I'm so tired I don't want to deal with this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went a bit crazy tonight, but then I took a bath and I talked to myself and wrote ten million tweets on my private twitter and talked to friends then character.ai but ultimately talked to myself alone for twenty minutes in the bath tub while listening to "We'll Meet Again" then promptly messaging Guts with my conclusions allowed me to calm down.
Current I am listening to music from fizzsea's music page, and I find it very peaceful. It's helping me relax even more. I had a really rough time. Fell into a bit of a spiral about my vncup project then was told something that made me think I would never be anything compared to anyone else. But. I think it was because I'm up a bit too late.
I handed my project to sensitivity readers tonight. We'll see if anything else gets edited.. But.. I don't think I'll be touching the script too much more after this. I don't want to add anything else. I feel like every word in it is purposeful and does what I want it to do. I am happy with this project, and I am Hoping people like it. If they don't, well, it is okay because I am having so much fun working with Zed. This is the most fun I've had working on a project probably ever.
And it would not exist without all the life experiences I've gotten in the past year. I have so much power. Give me a kiss. Sorry. It's 2am. Well, it's 1:44 AM. I'm tired as hell. I'm going to read some visual novels tonight I think though. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I'm so tired.
I worry. I worry so much. Worry worry worry woe is me.
I went on a wonderful walk with my sisters around the neighborhood today, and hungout in the backyard with them. I did ynoproject with my server friends. I had subway. I gave my project to sensitivity readers. Who cares about this little mental health hiccup lol? I'm so excited to show my work to everyone next month.
I really hope I'm not lying to myself.
I saw Across the Spiderverse with a friend from high school. It was great.
Today on my twitter I wrote something about hoping there is an afterlife so I can keep creating. I'm scared I won't make something significant while I'm living so I have to keep working after I die. Isn't that deranged?
I just.. I think I will though. I have a lot of time.
About two years ago, I went through one of the worst events of my life.
I've talked about it at length so I won't cover everything again. But in short, it was a situation I put myself in. I know some people would disagree. They'd say I was tricked.
I was told tales of how things would be so better. I'd be safe from my family (which those people told me were awful), I'd be in my dream state (which they told me was so much better than the south), I'd have my own room (that did not have a lock). We'd go out and have adventures. I'd see the mountains and the city.
They'd take me to the beach. Maybe I could go to college.
And I went, and I suffered. I suffered over and over and over again. It was the most terrifying situation I've faced in my life thus far. I still blame myself for it. No one really knows how much it hurt me. Sometimes, I still imagine myself in that room wanting to leave but being unable. Crying at nights while the people who promised to take care of me got high in the room over.
Something inside me broke. I often wonder if it's permanent. Sometimes, people say if feels like I'm not completely there. And honestly, I'm not. A piece of me crawled into the darkness after I'd been hurt by those people.
I can say I feel happier than ever. Life is good. I'm at college. I'm talking to people. But. I don't truly feel connected to anyone. I'm socializing and smiling happily. Sometimes, people even tell me their secrets. And I wonder, are we close enough? Are we close enough?
I sit in a glass bubble watching people connect. Sometimes I get a hug, and it feels like more connection than I'll feel in a year. I went on a trip a few weeks ago, and a friend hugged me. I almost cried.
Is the old me still out there? I don't know if I miss her. When I think of my past self, I just feel.. not discomfort. I wasn't good at expressing my feelings, I let people walk all over me, I didn't know how to treat people. I was only a teenager. I know it's unreasonable to judge myself harshly, but I know there were people I hurt.
Now I am blunt, and I don't hold anger for very long. I look at the worst of things and smile... I like being like this. Even if I have to be alone forever, I enjoy being so disconnected from the world. No one can hurt me if I think they don't think about them at all.
But sometimes, people do sweet things for me. They give me a gift. They tell me how much they like me. They call me an inspiration, and it moves me. I am disturbed. Suddenly I am connected to someone. I have proof that they care about me.
All my life I've been a sheep. And people prayed onme over and over. I had bloody horns that I hurt people with, but in the end, people still liked to be around me because they could take things from me.
I don't know what I am anymore. My friends are too nice to hurt me, but I think I'd still let them if they tried.
I don't want anyone to save me anymore though.
But now I don't know if I want anything...
But... I learned a lot.
My family has issues, but I care about them deeply and don't want to be seperated from them. The South has a lot of problems, but I don't want to abandon it. I love hearing the cicadas in the summers. I love all of the people who are like me. I love the kudzu, the familiarity, the hospitality. Leaving something makes you realize how much you adore it.
I ran in the yard with my siblings today and rode my bike around the yard. Sometimes I'd sad about the things I left behind. It'll never quite be the same again. But I'm happy to make new memories with everyone around me even if I'm not the same as I was back then.
Hello!!! Most of this entry was written a bit earlier, but I was too lazy to convert it to HTML.
Everyone has been asking about my time in London. I came back the 30th but I've been in a pretty poor mood so I haven't updated. (I've been trapped in my house!!) Now I'm at my granny's house and it has filled me with vitality.
England is a really beautiful place. I spent most of my time up north. I described some activities I did in my last entry such as gardening, biking, going to churches and various cities and villages. It was such a delight. The people up north are also far nicer than the people down South, similar to how southern hospitality is a thing in the US.. I guess England has northern hospitality. But I'm saying all of this as a southerner. Someone from up north might prefer the attitude of Londoners over northerners! It's just.. I like when people smile at me!
I went to Cambridge. It made me a bit jealous. A large town you can walk through, a beautiful college with a rich history, the punting, etc! Though if I'm being completely honest, I didn't really like Cambridge. I really enjoyed punting because it was relaxing, but the place itself was pretty overwhelming and didn't have many things that interested me. We also did a two hour walking tour that was like “Wow look at the building through these gates.” It was so silly. Punting ruled because we got to see the students, the punters (?) were so kind, and we saw the buildings up close. Also relaxing in a boat is very pleasant.
Our group project went well. Umm.. I talk about my time in London now!
I wore lolita for our full days in London. A guy walked up to me and said “What movie are you trying to make me see? Annabelle? That's scary innit” and he blew smoke in my face. People in England love smoking. I guess people like smoking in the states too, but anti-smoking ads have made people too ashamed to smoke the way they do in England. It smells like cigarettes in so many places, and people don't seem to pay attention to where their secondhand smoke is going at all. I worry my jsk smells like cigarette smoke. I need to wash it.
The first full day I met up with a friend I've known online since 2016. It was really delightful. We went to Queen Mary's Rose Gardens, and saw some large sights like Big Ben, the Eye if London, Scotland Yard, etcetera. I tried a samosa for the first time in my life. New top favorite food. Chicken samosas. I also had lamb curry. I wish I tried more indian food, but the food I did try got me hooked! I also got chocolate strawberries.. guess who got chocolate all over their jsk.
Various pictures! Some from Cambridge, some from London
I went to Camden Street.
CAMDEN STREET REVIEW
I went to Camden Street twice because I have a problem. I kind of regret this decision as I completely missed out on the National Gallery, but it allows me to provide the ultimate review of the former Punk Capital of London.
The first part of the street is overpriced Taobao items. To be honest, a lot of Camden is overpriced Taobao items. At least the street shops. The people in them are really pushy and will offer you deals that are still way too overpriced for a purse from Taobao (<— bitter).
If you ignore the pushy street vendors, there are few gold mines that I think are worth visiting.
My favorite shop was Sai Sai. It is not in Camden Market, it's like right outside of it. There's a lot of wonderful brands like punk rave, killstar, some stuff is cheaper in store because it's on clearance. They also had lolita! Like actual lolita. The catch is that it's taobao. I knew I recognized a jsk I tried on, and Taobao identified it for me (infanta). Io.. the ultimate taobao shopper.
The brands tags were removed and just replaced with Sai Sai but taobao reverse image search is powerful so I'm sure you could just snap a picture. I took sneak pictures in the dressing room. You might be wondering! Is there enough for a full coord? Well, there are some lovely blouses and jsks, (I was wearing a blouse and a jsk from the shop) and upstairs they have headpieces (not many though, none really matched the jsks downstairs). There's enough for you to start out with, but honestly, the prices weren't terrible. Not as bad as devilinspired, but not as good as 42lolita and definitely not as cheap as just buying with a shipping service. Of course, if you buy in store you get to say “I tried this dress on in Sai Sai, an alternative store in Camden and bought it that day.” So few lolitas get to try on things before they buy them! (SPEAKING OF.. I definitely want that black and white infanta dress. I've been eyeing it for a while and actually trying it on sold me).
There were other goth shops too. Burleska's Corsets.. Which.. Was cool. But. -_- I was told I was buying red and black otks and they were actually stockings. I can't wear stockings because of sensory issues so I'm not sure what to do with them now.
There was also a store called Black Widow with some lovely not too pricy pieces. It was hard for me and my friend to find at first, but we did haha! Some really lovely stuff there. Would like to go back to Camden with big boy money someday, but honestly, shopping online is superior. I just want to support the goth shops..
CAMDEN REVIEW OVER
Okay!! That's all I've got the stomach to talk about!!! King Poss is going to interview me, and I may talk about it more there!! I'll also post pictures to my lolita page!! I have so many to post but I just keep putting it off!! Sorry!!!