3.28.23 | pity party
I'm listening to It's My Party by Lesley Gore and crying. It's my party and I'll cry if i want to.. Ironically singing to it has made me a bit happier.
I think bigger artists to get upset when smaller artists talk about this, and people tend to find it annoying in general. Perhaps it can even be guilt trippy because the people you're talking to often have no interest in your art either.. Though a lot of my friends like my art.
Once I followed a large new Instagram artist who managed to gain a lot of followers doing like.. Creepy cute semi realism. She owed her success to her skill and said anyone who didn't have a following just wasn't skilled enough. And I really internalized it. I think I'm way better now than I was a few years ago.. Like... I think I'm an above average artist with a unique style. But there's like 7 billion people on the planet, so there's a lot of above average artists with unique styles. Being told I'm trash for not having a following really hurts haha.
I've gotten commissions and I've sold things on etsy so I know I'm Not trash. I've done art trades with skilled strangers (who in my mind had much more skill than i) who wanted me to draw their characters in their style, so I know my art can be desired even if they're not invested in me. I'm just missing something. For years I told myself it was skill, but now I have skill.. And I have lot of friends who have skill but have small followings.. Having those friends is what really showed me that it wasn't just my supposed lack of skill resulting in me not having a following haha.
I'm considering remaking Instagram but I'm kind of repulsed by the idea. I really hate that app and the way it changed over time. It really hurts for something you love to go downhill average a giant corporation runs it into the ground.
I tried to TikTok.. Not sure why but I'm immune to it.. Maybe my attention span is too low. I just can't bring myself to watch those short form videos. I would rather be doing anything else. I just end up scrolling and not watching anything looking for something interesting. Then I give up. How can I make content for a platform that bores the hell out of me? The snappy video editing is annoying. The voice overs are annoying. The robot text is annoying. The music is annoying. The trends are annoying. The responses to haters are annoying. It's all so fucking annoying. We are in the worst internet era.
I have to admit unlike many neocities devotees I don't hate social media. In fact, I think social media as a concept is cool. I really liked Instagram back in 2016. I loved Wattpad circa 2013-2016. I loved DeviantArt before the update. I was even on an up and coming art site Buzzly that died because the mods were absolutely deranged and people were scared of touching it with a 20 foot pole.
The thing is.. I can play the social media game if I'm having a good time. I like complimenting artists, but god.. The only place where people aren't fake as hell is twitter, but if you compliment people on twitter, half the time they don't give a shit about you. Which. I get. I actually have most of my twitter notifications disabled because I find them painful to look at.
I like how neocities has a culture of talking to people and responding. I had a little phase where I really did hate it here and desperately wanted to switch platforms, but now, I'm back into it. I'm grooving. I'm applying to site listings- I love webrings again. I don't plan to reenable my profile though I do envy people who don't let the numbers get to them. My RSS feed is good enough haha. I doubt anyone is really interested in my content anyway. While I do like neocities culture, I do think a lot of neocities users, perhaps even the bulk of them, aren't big on reading.
Anyway, I'm sorry for complaining so much. It's my diary, so I shouldn't be sorry, but I'm supposed to not let numbers get to me. I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut about this thing you know? But today, I scrolled on twitter for too long and those "This site is gonna die" tweets started circulating again and I just kept thinking and circling and aah.
I ate a bag of airhead bites today. I think it was a lot of calories. My Crona cosplay came and it was way too big so I ordered a small and got return postage the larger one. My lolita dress gets here tomorrow. I don't have shoes to go with it. I'll probably wear boots to be honest even if seems a bit tacky. I can just crop my feet out of pictures... I'm worried the dress will be too big, but let's hope for the best. I need to stop ordering mediums.. I'm just always scared I won't be able to fit into my clothes later. My weight fluctuates a lot.
This was so negative.. I'm really not feeling well. Rest well.
3.20.23 | One Year Anniversary
My server had its one year anniversary :D I'm so happy. I can ignore all the silly people on the internet and talk to my friends! We did a server agi!!! Gaze upon ye!
aggie for server ani
Speaking of good things, I've been told many things about the host teacake and I asked chatgpt how to link the old webring JS file to my new website and I got a solution! I'm so happy. And it's way cheaper! And I don't have to deal with Kyle and I am finally free from the neocities feed and profile stuff haha! And i can use php! The main downside is there's less storage there but I have hundreds of images on my website and I have only reached .9% of storage! The solution is for me to stop hosting every single image on my website hahahahahahahahahahaha. Then I'll never run out of space. I just.. I'll never learn Haha. I'll keep hosting images locally until I run out of space ^w^ I just need to start compressing them... Though I'll probably host my oc images elsewhere T_T
My lolita dress finally shipped! I'm so excited. I hope I can visit my friend this summer and we have a lolita tea party!!! And also be active in the local EGL community I joined. I just.. need to get a ride.. haha..
My spring break ends tomorrow. I've been playing lots of Mabinogi and getting my friends into it. I really wish the clothes were gender neutral. I love to wear androgynous clothing but a lot of the girl version of outfits are just like Dresses.. While the boy versions are so cool!! I'm also so tempted by the gachas. But I have to save up for summer. My friend Cyg started playing and my friend Eve plays and my friend Io plays and Kail plays and it never ends!!!!!! I'm so exciting to do shadow missions and dungeons together ^w^
I'm working on a Crona cosplay.. I'm so excited. I'm ordering the wig when I get back to school. I'm either going to paint a roman sword or use foam to make Ragnarok.
It's actually really late. I have to finish packing. I'm ready to go back to college. Being home is fun but I miss my dorm. I miss Walking! I miss the library! The archive! The mountains! I'm going hiking in April!!!!! And I invited a friend so I won't be the only black person LOL. I'm excited to go back to the gym too. It will be so fun.
I'm slowly crashing.. Last thing.. I'm working on a shrine to The Happiness Series! I never see anyone online talk about it. It's still my favorite vocaloid related thing ever so I'm very excited cx.
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People are multifaceted and neocities is for fun. You should not accuse random people of things.
3.16.23 | Masking (For Lack of a Better Term)
Lately I've gotten into the mindset that I'm not really neurodivergent. It started with me saying I'm not really autistic. I just confused it with my schizo symptoms. Then I decided I'm not really schizo- I'm just very erratic. And it leads to situations where I think I'm a very bad person because I'm constantly masking and I view my masking as dishonesty. I took a likeable person test that was trending on twitter and my honesty was very low. But I can honestly say I don't really like actively lie to others. I just have my emotions trickling through a filter. I don't think this on purpose either. I just don't know how to express my emotions properly. I don't know how to connect with others. Sometimes I later say I didn't mean exactly what I said, so it seems like I lied but in reality I just didn't know how to express myself at the time.
I've been stressed out because of a situation lately. I told a friend about it, and they said "you're autistic, your behaviors and words are often going to be misconstrued and you're going to be treated like everything is an act because you're trying to mask" and that made a lot of sense to me. I don't actively try to confuse other people. I feel very guilty for not being able to connect with others properly. I don't know if I am autistic or if I just have a lot of behaviors or if I really am just schizo or what, but I do realize I need to actually start researching certain behaviors so that I can exist peacefully and without guilt.
I connect really well with other autistic/schizo/adhd (specifically these three) people because I throw conversation points like darts. And other neurodivergent people seem to like that too. So we're both throwing darts at the board, and sometimes we both hit a bullseye and keep going. They take things I say at face value which is nice. It makes me happy. I have to stop stressing about things like this. I met someone new. I can tell he's autistic and has some mental disorder. Some of his behaviors are a bit much for me, but I'm trying my best to be patient because I know I can act in a similar way when I want someone I admire to like me (or at least i used to).
Sometimes I see reels or tiktoks from people who do things to send messages to others because they're upset but don't want to communicate. I don't really understand why you'd do that. I guess I sometimes do things that can be miscontrued as a desire to hurt.. My abuser did that a lot, but I don't know. I view that as very childish I think. I guess some part of me can have the desire for revenge, but I don't have the energy. The most revenge I can get is talking about someone like a gossiping hen. Even then, I don't do that most of the time. It's not out of some desire to hurt or slander others. It's usually because I need to vent or I'm really upset or to warn others... Unfortunately I do really like gossip.
Anyway, I'm tired. This has been taking of a significant amount of my headspace for a while. I want to be free. I'm going to read the last part of Umineko soon or I'll read the Dragon Ball series. I can't wait to see my baby (Vegeta), my darling (Vegeta), the light of my life (Vegeta).
I'm tired. Spring break is almost over. I feel like I haven't really rested but it's okay. I'll rest soon... Maybe in the summer.
On a positive note, my server has it's one year anniversary today! I actually forgot LOL. I was reminded by Brog (THANKS BROG). We are going to vc and do an aggie. Despite my troubles and my struggle to connect with others, I am greatful for everything I have. My server's longivity, my website, my dress is finally shipping today or tomorrow, commissions I've gotten, art trades. Life is good. I just need some therapy haha. Thanks friends for the support! Thank you even if you dislike some of my behaviors! I love you! I love you! I love you!
3.8.23 | i'm normal now
Hello hello! It's 4am. I'm starving because I barely ate yesterday. It's fine though because I had a lot to eat the day before. I plan to go back to sleep after writing this entry.
I took my Computer Science Midterm and got a 100. Amazing considering when I code, I look like a clown. My pre-cal 2 class started, and I've been told it is all trig. I don't think I'll fail because I learned a lot of this stuff 3-5 years ago, but I know I will have to put in a lot of effort.
I'm nearly finished with all my commissions. I'm basically done with my current one. I just fell asleep before I added a background. I had a lot of fun with this batch. It was a good time. I just need to do my art trades now lol. My art style changed pretty drastically recently so now it takes me way longer to finish pieces. I need to update my art gallery. I'll set a reminder to do that tomorrow.
I have about 9 pieces of art I need to finish, one for the zine and one is that commission I'm almost done with. Then, it'll be 7. I've been procrastinating since January which is why it's caught up to me. Some of it's newer trades though so don't worry I haven't left people hanging for two months.
The zine is going very smoothly.. I'm having a fun time. Now it's crunch time. Me and all of the other members who haven't gotten to the rendering phase are going to be screaming for the next twelve days haha. I was talking about doing a call with some of the other mods and working on our piece together (we're all horribly behind ahah).
Hmm.. I'm going home this weekend. Exciting. I'll be home until the 20th. I'm going to hangout with my sisters so much and hopefully eat crab legs HAHA. Or Korean food. Or Chinese food. There's a Japanese restaurant too.
Also, I joined a local EGL community! Exciting. I'm hoping it leads me to making a lot of friends. They're having a tea party this weekend but unfortunately I'll be out of town haha. One of them told me that I could still come even if I didn't have my lolita dress.. I was really hoping my dress from taobao would be here by the time the anime con came, but oh well. I'm thinking about going to the anime con as Power of Chainsaw Man acclaim. I'd get blond braids though and blonde is.. A strong color you know... Especially since I am goth. A lot of the Nameless Poem models have blonde hair actually. So maybe it won't be that bad.
I talked to Papaya, the head of milkplus, about marketing my game and she gave me a lot of advice.. I just need to ACTUALLY do it. It's hard for me haha but I'll try to go into overdrive. Ommatophilia's one year anniversary is next month and i'm hosting a character poll on tumblr and 24 people have voted so far.. I expected five so this is shocking! I haven't voted in the poll and I can't choose between my children, but according to my friend Wren, Charlotte and Mercy are in the lead and Angel is in last place. This is what I expected. If I were forced to vote, I'd vote for Charlotte myself, but of course, I feel as though as the creator I have too much knowledge about my own characters and voting wouldn't really be me voting for the characters as they are in the demo.. It'd be me voting for the final form of the characters as they are in my head/the final version of the story.
It's very neat that Charlotte is winning since she is in Omma for the least amount of time as everyone else in the poll. I imagine Devil's Food influences it a bit too, but it gives me hope. Charlotte is an important character despite her not being in the game constantly. I want her presence (or lack thereof) to be felt.
I have some other notes.. I plan to use JavaScript to make parts of my sites that use iframes easier to navigate. I've already got it working for the homepage. Just need to do it here and with my reading page. I think that might be it?
Oh also I started playing Mabinogi. My friend Eve showed me.. So cute.. They gave me a lot of items. I can't wait to play again!! I'm so close to spring break.. Video game time...
mabi time.. thank u for letting me be a cute elf
There's been other gaming sessions too! The server played YNO again which was such a good time. Some friends left but right after they left we started finding so many places!!!! I think I'll make a page dedicated to my yno adventures at some point because so much fun stuff happens. I need to share it!!!!
the most beautiful place in the world
Another place I loved
it was really scary in this area haha
Anyway, thank you so much for reading. A lot has happened these past four days.. It's crazy how everything can happen all at once.. It's never ending.. But I'm not upset. Life is an adventure.
I've messaged a lot of people, and I've got some hiking trips planned. It feels like i might actually have a chance at forming a social life irl soon!
3.4.23 | i should've
I don't know.
I realize. I am the crazy ex girlfriend. I am the weird kid who was hospitalized. I'm the person who turns every single one of my relationships into a codependent nightmare. I got. So mad. I got so mad. And then I melted in ten seconds and it was like I was playing victim again.
I don't really know what the solution is. Sometimes I tell myself the solution is being skinny and having good grades, but that's surface level.
Sometimes I think the answer lies in things I should've done. Like tonight, I should've gone to the frat probate with my friend so that I wouldn't have spiralled so hard and embarrassed myself in front of everyone.
I'm an adult yet I still have meltdowns like i'm in middle school. i remember screaming and crying at the middle school dance because it was too loud and i was so overwhelmed and my aunt stared at me. she told me i was doing it for attention. i didn't really know if i was. i don't know what i'm doing when i get like that. i feel like i've lost myself somewhere.
I keep looking for a song that encapsulates how I'm feeling, but there's nothing. I just keep writing "I Should've" into the search bar over and over and over and over.. I am searching for something that does not exist
I want to be happy. I want to be cheerful. I want to make people's feel better, but.. I just.. I always end up like this.
I should've gone out tonight. I should've taken my meds on time. I should've just gotten a cert. I should've majored in something easier. I should've. I should've. It wouldn't fix the core issue here. The problem is me. I don't feel in control of my actions I just feel like i'm watching sometimes. I'm screaming. I'm sobbing. I'm telling people how much pain I'm in. And I'm watching helpless. Helpless. But I'm not helpless. I just have to stop.
But why isn't it that easy..? I just don't understand?
Sometiems I want to scream but it melts away.. And I just sob and sob and sob. There's a poem I saw on tumblr once, "I've Lost Myself Somewhere." It's on my blog.. It's by someone with BPD. I don't think I have BPD, but I feel it. Why can't I be the person I tell myself I am? I'm supposed to be immune to social contagion, immune to the breakdowns my 16 year old self would have with (redacted) at 2AM. But I'm not who I tell myself I am. Who am I if I end up like this?
Is there any point in living if I can not find myself? Or was I always just like this? Is this who I am? Am I no better than the girls who embrace their most toxic behaviors singing Lana Del Rey at the top of their lungs...? Am I no better than the so called Hello Kitty girls who ruin the lives of everyone they encounter? I've tried so hard to escape.. To be the best I can be.
But always... I just think.. I should've...