TITLE: panic DATE: 05/07/2022 08:08:24 BODY:

the neocities view counter is a curse. buttons and webrings were a curse. it was a mistake to be very involved in the neocities community. i truly just want to be in my own little corner.

being perceived by others is scary.. seeing my itchio view count go up is scary.. getting notifications is scary.. knowing my abusers can see me is scary.. i don't think i'll ever escape them.. i'm so scared.

everything is so frightening.. i don't know what to do.

everything is so scary.. i feel like i'vebeen poisoned.

every night i panic and stay up for hours, but there is no relief in the mornings. i've grown afraid of naps, in fear that i will sleep too much during the stay and stay up panicking all night.

i have nightmares about seattle. i wish it hadn't happened.

i called a therapist and i started a medication for anxiety.. i hope it helps me.

will i be free from this fear soon?

TITLE: if (anxiety) { console.log('general life updates'); DATE: 05/07/2022 10:30:37 BODY:

my isp blocked fc2 for a little while which sucked (or my ip address was blocked by fc2). now it's not as evident by me posting this.

catching up. last post was just me coping with anxiety. venting made me feel a bit more normal again.

a few days i released my demo of my rpg maker game Ommatophilia. a few of my friends beta tested which was nice. i try not to pay attention to the analytics section of itchio to avoid giving myself an anxiety attack. the last time i checked it was doing well.. rather scary, being perceived. it makes me realize i don't think i want to be popular. i don't know. i like to exist in my own little bubble and not be perceived.. it is comfy, but also, dopamine from twitter likes is nice. it's a constant struggle... i think if i get popular, i will have to accept it and just try not to panic about it.

i got a critique for Ommatophilia.. i don't think i care for it too much because the thing they critiqued was a bit intentional but it did give me some thoughts about my game direction. we'll see where it goes.

my antipsychotic has been nice, but my mood spikes have been replaced by a constant anxiety about everything. i think every night i panic about my time in seattle and all the things surrounding it. it has truly clouded my thoughts and makes living way less fun. i'm hoping the new med i'm starting tomorrow helps and therapy.

i also get anxiety about other things like car lights outside my window, planes being too close, the idea of going to an amusement park, school, neocities, deciding to purchase a website domain, etc etc. the little anxiety gets stomped by the post traumatic stress Episodes, but it is still constant and persistent. i hope it calms down soon.

i am hoping writing it all out helps a little. not being able to log onto fc2 made me very anxious.. i didn't really want to switch to using my website as a blog again.. i like using fc2 a lot. it's grown on me. at first i thought fc2 was down for everyone, but then i asked a friend and they told me it worked for them. i went through the fc2 tag on twitter and people were updating just fine. i downloaded opera momentarily to check with its vpn (don't do that it's not safe) and fc2 worked then. i considered buying nordvpn or something but i couldn't justify it. the app worked on my phone and ipad so i thought about buying a keyboard.. could not justify it either.

not having a job is really hard.. it's hard to budget. i miss being able to spend money a bit more.. freely though not spending money brings me joy, in a self punishing kind of way. i'm considering buying ringfit but it'd be a bit investment, however, i really enjoyed it when i had access to the game and it helped get me moving. i want to start exercising to combat my tiredness.

that's all really. i feel okay when i'm not anxious (but most of the time i am anxious.) praying new med helps and that the therapist i called gets back to me soon.

did i mention i called a therapist? the wait time for her is about two weeks. i could probably find another therapist faster but i have a good feeling about this one so i'm willing to wait it out... hopefully the meds help me in the meantime, even it just puts me to sleep after taking it so that i'm not up all night dealing with the constant nightmares and panic.

thank you for your time. goodnight


TITLE: final thing DATE: 05/07/2022 10:59:47 BODY:

i'm very proud of myself.. i know.. this blog has been extremely negative lately. i've been trapped in my house, alone with my thoughts most of the time.. but i think i'm doing better. when i go to college this summer, i'll try to post pictures. the campus is surrounded by beautiful things..

i'm anxious about the webring but it exists. i'm anxious about my server but it exists. i'm anxious about my games, but now i have two on itchio. my friend told me to draw an angel fumo and i did despite me worrying about it being bad. i'm anxious about college, but i still plan to go. i called a therapist despite me kind of giving up on therapy. i'm trying to fight my med side effects.

my last therapist called me very strong.. i don't know if that's true or not, but i do want to pat myself on the back. i've gone through a lot. sometimes, i do truly want to give up.

the weight of the events in seattle feel like to much for me to bare. being around people is so scary. hunting for therapists is so difficult. the medication roulette wheel is exhausting, but.. i am surviving. i'm doing better than surviving.. because i'm creating and making friends. i'm putting good things into the world.

i have plans for this winter.. i have plans for college.. i haven't given up even if i want to sometimes.. sometimes i want to delete everything.. or off myself and hide under my blankets until college starts, but i haven't.

i'm not the best at being a person.. but i think this blog will get more positive when i leave home. at least, there should be more variety among posts. i should have more pictures and stuff.. i want to leave my dorm and explore.

the campus.. i will share pictures from library books. i will take images of mountains and caves. yes yes yes yes. it will be delightful.

yotsusing

TITLE: glasses and hair DATE: 05/08/2022 03:58:07 BODY:

I got new glasses! And my hair was straightened and curled. I feel fresh and new.

I struggle with straight hair. It's very hard for me to take care of when it's straightened. It gets fluffy very quickly because I'm so bad at keeping it dry and tying it up at night. I tend to lose the things i need to keep my hair in or something of the other. It's a bit of pain, but I get so many compliments. It's truly delightful.

This will likely be the last time I get it straightened for quite some time. In college it will be in braids mostly due to the longevity of braids. I hope to have purple and black box braids for my first quarter of college, but I doubt it will matter much by then. I am still very anxious about college.. I worry my wording is very robotic at the moment. I'm so sleepy.  I was woken up this morning fora  surprise hair appointment, and I'm still getting through the grog. It's 2 o'clock now. I don't think a nap would be worth it despite me Really wanting to take one.

Tonight, I will be sending off my cousin to prom. Tomorrow, my family and I will go out to breakfast for my sister's birthday and mother's day I guess. It's my dad's birthday too. Too many gifts right? I actually can not afford it :D So I can't give everyone gifts. I'm not really sure what to do actually. In theory  I could just give my dad and mom one gift and find something nice for my youngest sister or give her a drawing or candy. She loses many physical gifts so I actually would prefer to just doodle her something.

But in order to make a gift, i need to wake up :'D Which is impossible!! I'm so sleepy.

I have to pass out now or at least stop sitting in one place. It was fun. New hair new glasses new me!!!

PS: I want to try to include more pictures in this blog.. when i go out and stuff.. Look forward to that

TITLE: Sonic DATE: 05/09/2022 08:06:36 BODY:

Today  is my dad's and my sister's birthday as well as mother's day. My family ate breakfast together, something we don't do often. Mother cooked it.. I wish I'd been awake to help, but I slept until 12pm today. I wish I wasn't so drowsy all the time.

We went to see Sonic 2. It was an entertaining movie and exactly what I expected, which isn't bad or anything. Its cute moments were nice. I wonder how the movie will age. It had a reference to flossing which caught me off guard. The CGI was really nice mostly. There was a very big robot. I support artists animating robots. The movie had the vibe of the original transformers.. The going back and forth between jokes, action, government, brief emotional moments.

Once again, I am horribly tired, so I may seem robotic and repetitive. I napped but it did not give me my energy back. In fact, it seems to have dragged me deeper into the abyss. I'm babysitting now, as per usual. It's a good thing I'm awake because I really don't want to ruin my sleeping schedule more. Still, I wish I didn't get drowsy in the afternoon of Every Single Day.

I want to do something fun or nice or work on my game, but the drowsiness.. I got my zoloft today. My psych told me it helps with sleep but I'm perplexed... It says to take it in the morning. I am not sure if I should listen to the bottle or not. I don't want to be awake all night tonight if it gives me energy.. Ahh

I'm.. so tired. It was fun writing.

TITLE: it's 1:37 pm DATE: 05/10/2022 03:38:03 BODY:

New med helped me sleep through the night just fine! I'm doing game dev today. Being kind of awake is nice. I'm still struggling with motivation for most things, but at least game dev is going okay.

I'm still experiencing panic and possibly irrational thoughts when I remember the events of last year, but being able to sleep through it was ideal. I didn't wake up once. Usually i get up at around 3 or 4am full of fear, but I slept until my mom woke me at 6am today. Then, i managed to go back to sleep after getting my sisters' ready for school! Revolutionary.

Dream Diary Jam 6 starts soon. I'd like to join a little bit, however,  I think about all the work I could be doing with Ommatophilia and I shiver. I also just can't imagine a reality where I Finish the Dream Diary Jam. I played through a little bit of the old entries. They were fun. It made me realize I could just do a small game during that time if I really wanted to.. Next year..

I think I'll be done with OMM by next year. I just need to see what college does to me during that time. Will it even be possible for me to participate in a game jam as a student? I lean towards yes since plenty of students participate in jams and the like, but i plan to have a job and I don't want to burn myself out on being a person by participating in a jam, especially considering what Happens to me when I burn out. We'll see.

During this entire entry, I had to resist the urge to cry about the events of last year and talk about my fear. It's strange how such utterly terrifying feelings can also be considered a nuisance by another part of you. I feel like I'm cut into many pieces, and we are all experiences different things. I have finally reached some clarity regarding this situation. I hope to address it in therapy soon- my feelings, my actions, my inaction, my fear, how I let those things happen... How I should've expressed my doubts sooner but I didn't trust myself.

I have a lot of flaws that lead to me allowing people to play savior for me.. I always regret letting things happen that way. This is the final time I think.. I will no longer allow people to be my savior when I have my own hands.

I'm still really scared, but.. it'll be okay.

TITLE: expletives DATE: 05/10/2022 12:01:12 BODY:

i'm so anxious i'm so anxious.

today was definitely much better than usual but night has come and i am anxious once again.

i think i will participate in the yume nikki fangame jam. i'm not sure if i'll make my own assets or not this time. i don't know if a month is enough time to make all of my own assets unless i spend every second of the day on it.

thinking about it eases my anxiety. if i focus on the fangame, i can not think about seattle. i can not be afraid. when will the fear stop? ptsd is a cruel mistress.

the fangame will be about charlotte being hospitalized.. i have some maps in mind already. i think the wide open empty maps will help me when devving. yes. i want to have at least 8 maps and maybe an effect on each map.

i am not sure how you plan these things but i will try my best.

i feel like i can't breathe, but it's okay! I have something to focus on for a month. do you wonder if someone is looking at you thinking 'you should be afraid?'  how do i know if i should be? if you knew i was afraid and tormented, would you be happy?

TITLE: i am fully awake tonight DATE: 05/10/2022 15:10:54 BODY:

tonight, i felt a combination of inspiration and anxiety- unrelated to one another. i am now fully awake, and i feel like i need to empty my stomach onto a countertop. it is bad. i might take nyquil. it is so bad. the anxiety is so bad.

i read that this is normal with zoloft- to be okay the first day and then zigzag all over the place. still, it's so bad. i know it's my anxiety combined with other things but god, this is bad. i would like to sleep. i would like to stop thinking about seattle. when will it end?

it's gotten so bad. i just... need to let it wash over me.. it's.. okay. i just need to allow the thoughts to run around me, but it's so hard to rest when i am focusing on not letting thoughts affect me which already ruins the point of not letting thoughts affect me right? little circle of accidentally focusing on thoughts while trying not to focus on them.

i just.. need to calm down.. relax. not sure how, but i'll get there. i'll map in rpg maker. not sure if that'll make things better or worse, but it's better than sitting here trying not to scream.

TITLE: agoraphobia DATE: 05/12/2022 02:06:38 BODY:

i'm developing agoraphobia or i already have it.

my anxiety is out of control. i have plans to go out today, but i am making myself sick over it. i'm going to the doctor's office. i feel sick. i'm going out with a friend. i feel sick.

i told my mom i'm scared to go places because i worry i won't ever go back home again. i think this is true. i fear being trapped in places. college is starting to feel like an insurmountable task. i just want to stay home i think.

i'm realizing how bad it is. my stomach hurts. i just want to sleep. i feel so bad. it hurts. it hurts.

TITLE: pictures DATE: 05/12/2022 10:08:28 BODY:

I went out and took many pictures today.

The best way to fight growing anxiety is by ignoring it I realize. I am happy I did not cancel because it was very good for me. My friend and I had good conversations and ate a lot of yummy food.


We both ordered gyoza. We talked about high school, parents, my time in Seattle, other things. It was delightful.

We also went to the international market. I saw many things I am familiar with. Pictures weren't allowed, but I have images of things I bought after we left.

   

I am fascinated by the concept of bottled milk tea. I look forward to trying it.. Not now though. I am full. I had a red bean bagel, gyoza, sushi, and frozen yogurt today. It was really fun, very filling, I am looking forward to going to the market again. There was a candy I liked there that I had in Seattle. It is soda flavored, and I am eating bits of it right now.

I have my hair rolled onto flexi rods now.. I am able to do it by myself. :-) My mom and I have a plan for my hair in college. Have I mentioned my mom and I have been getting along? It's nice.

I need to sleep soon. I'm very tired. The night has only just begun, and I feel it wrapping it's arms around me.. Whispering lullabies."Close your eyes and rest" it sings to me. "The world has crushed you beneath it's weight. Rest a little while."

It has been interrupted by my brother grabbing my switch controller. So silly. He just knocked down my books.. So I will go take care of him.

TITLE: I Can't Cry DATE: 05/13/2022 04:27:20 BODY:

Last night I woke up at 1am. I was up until 4am, anxious as usual. At some point I realized I was unable to cry and that I didn't remember the last time I had cried.

It's truly bizarre. I am someone who cries pretty frequently and easily, but I guess medication has made it far more difficult. It kind of feels like I'm missing something. Like, a  lot of my stress could go away if I could just tear up. Ironically as I write this, I am tearing up because I can not stop yawning.

Today, I am babysitting as per usual. My dad is supposed to be here but he is working at a different time than usual. I'm listening to city pop while my brother sleeps. Sitting on the bedroom floor is so nice.

My brother took his first steps last night. I am happy I was here to see. It was very cute. He's walking more today.. He's so excited to grow up. Slow down little guy please.. I'm going to be leaving soon. I'm going to miss so much of your growth. You're moving too fast already.

I applied for two zines.. The competition for them is high, so i'm not really sure if I'll get in. It'd be nice to have my art printed again, but I won't count on it.

I'm still feeling anxious.. Writing here is so scary lately, but I still really enjoy it. My dear FC2. I reread my old entries and it was a bit embarrassing. I jump to conclusions so quickly sometimes. I hate being so unstable. My meds have allowed me to have a bit more clarity with my decisions.. Though I wonder if the anxiety is worse because of my meds sometimes.

I'm struggling lately with motivation for things.. I sometimes want to give up on doing anything and go to sleep. Today is one of those days.. I'd be sleeping if I wasn't babysitting. I know I need to fix my diet and start going outside to get more energy, but it's horribly difficult. Even writing this entry is a bit of a slog.

I got on my website and compressed all the thumbnails in my portfolio. Now it loads faster. Yay.

I'm. tired.

TITLE: bed DATE: 05/15/2022 01:54:23 BODY: I can't get out of bed today. The PTSD is so bad. I feel like there's a killing blow just around the corner. They'll come back with some way to haunt me forever.

Yesterday, I almost passed out from dehydration. It's hard to drink and eat lately. My stomach always hurts from the anxiety.

I'm so tired.

TITLE: It's Night Again DATE: 05/15/2022 14:36:26 BODY:

Overall, today was okay.

I'm feeling.. Overwhelmed I think. I'm not sure. Part of me is okay. The other part of me wants to sleep.

I filled out my patient intake forms for a new therapist today. It had a mental health questionnaire. I've never seen that before. It makes me look up a little bit. Maybe this one will finally listen to me.

I was anxious from morning to evening today though felt a bit better after drinking a milkshake. Post traumatic stress has me in its claws. I just want to relax.

I got the Higurashi visual novel running on my ipad. Now when I'm tired I can read in bed c:

TITLE: today DATE: 05/17/2022 01:27:14 BODY:

my anxiety is a bit better today. i woke up feeling okay. i've been watching dorm move in videos to calm myself down... dorms... i can't believe i'm going to live in one.

i'm feeling.. spacey now. i'm really anxious but i feel better than usual for sure. i started taking multivitamins and fish oil last night.. i hope it helps me. i know i'm not good at taking care of myself. i want to change that.

i've been drinking juices and sodas.. i usually don't drink anything other than water. it's an attempt to get my calorie count up. i'm struggling with eating a good amount of food daily, so maybe drinks can help. by soda, i only really drank ramune. i still am averse to most sodas for health reasons.

i've mainly been drinking lemonade and a little bit of tea. i should really buy some juice soon. i got yogurt to make smoothies again though i can't find the frozen fruits to actually make something today.. in college, i hope i can get a little blender.. though i guess i won't have a freezer... so maybe i don't need a little blender.. i'm not really sure.

so many ellipses. can you feel my anxiety? it is held within them.

i finished a visual novel called HEARTLOVEPOWERTEMPLE. it was good. i enjoyed it. i want to read more things. my friend sent me a google drive with a lot of books. i'm excited to read them though it's a bit overwhelming because i don't recognize most of them. i haven't read an actual book in a while. i'm very behind.

i haven't been spending much money lately though i did order food twice when we were out of groceries. i should've just used instacart. i'm still bad at doing that. with the money i've saved, i think i'll buy a keyboard for my ipad. it seems like a nice thing to have for college. i'm looking at one called the smart folio. it's magnetic.. i am not sure if my case has room for a keyboard though.

i'm watching more college dorm tour sand move in videos. it helps me feel better to see other people really anxious about everything. it's fun watching people not have ptsd. people have so much fun.. i hope i get back to that point. i want to have fun again and laugh with others. i want to enjoy the world again.

that's all for now.

TITLE: mother and i DATE: 05/17/2022 09:00:32 BODY:

it's been okay.

i've been kind of progressing throughout the day.. trying to ignore the looming anxiety. i felt a bit of happiness i felt when i first started my website today. i explored neocities happily and made a cool new mutual. they mentioned my webring which was exciting.

unfortunately, i still feel that Looming fear... the fear that i am being watched or judged, that my unhappiness is inevitable. there is no way things can go right because of the events of last year. it will swallow me whole. i will not be able to escape the abyss that is seattle.

still, i am trying my best. i started coding but stopped and just kind of.. zoned out. i felt the anxiety return and wasn't able to focus.

the therapist i plan to go called me today. i am feeling okay. first appointment thursday.. okay. cool. maybe i can heal properly now.

what else what else? found out someone i'm close to is in therapy. helps me feel less alone.

also, i was thinking about my mom. i've kind of.. mellowed out. i used to consider her abusive and bad, but now i just feel.. fine. i think we're fine.

there's a lot of things she does that bothers me, and there's aspects of our relationship i dislike, but.. i've mellowed out about our past. seattle really changed me. processing this is really turning me inside out. so many of my feelings just feel a world away now. all i know is that last year was a mistake.

i babysit a lot, but i don't get mad. my mom and i haven't been arguing lately. she's understanding of me not doing things immediately and even surprises me with things like sushi. it's nice. i'm not sure if things are better because of me or her. i don't know if either of us has changed or if seattle has just.. turned me into someone else. sometimes i feel the little old me get angry, but it's silenced quickly because i just don't care about a little thing that bothered me months ago.

i've been talking to other adults about parental figures... my mom and i don't have a normal relationship. i don't know if we ever will, but hearing other adults talk about situations with their parents helps me feel better..

things are difficult, but it can get better. i don't have to hold onto the trauma that made me angry for many years. i actually feel like i am incapable of being as angry as i once was. i have so much fear and anxiety. i need her to take care of me while i'm like this and she is.

that's all.

TITLE: iPad Keyboard DATE: 05/18/2022 02:37:02 BODY:

I bought an iPad keyboard.

It truly is a game changer if I can adjust. It was a bit of an impulse buy so I’m very anxious as it was a bit pricy. I’m typing this entry from the comfort of my bed with my iPad in my lap like a tiny laptop. My thumbs hurt a bit from the small amount of hand-space.

I look forward to traveling without my laptop more often.  I’ve really grown to hate my laptop i think. It’s bulky and exhausting to carry. Laptops feel built to break. My iPad i’ve grown comfortable with. It’s ultimately why i bought a keyboard for it.

I am not in a typing mood now so I am feeling buyer’s remorse, but i know when i want to code or go outside while my sisters’ play and work on my projects, it will be great. I look forward to it. I’m tired now though. The anxiety is still very constant and exhausting.. I will sleep through it..

TITLE: I Talk About A Book DATE: 05/18/2022 11:15:10 BODY:

I’ve been reading a book called The Hunger by Alma Katsu. It was in a google drive of books a friend sent me. It’s been really entertaining though it’s always awkward to read books set in the 1800s about white settlers. This is specifically about the Donner Party incident with a supernatural twist. I’m curious to see where it goes, and it’s nice to read a bit every night. I started yesterday. When I was young, I was someone  who would finish books in a day. 

To be honest, I kind of miss it but reading a little bit gives me time to digest. I don’t feel the need to finish books at the rate I used to. There’s no need really, especially when I have other hobbies. I hope to join a book club in college though I guess I’ll have to buy books then. Buying books.. I wish I could drive. I’d love to go to the library.

College is frightening, but trying to keep busy by reading, exercising, etc etc keeps me feeling alive. I don’t even have time to focus on my trauma when I’m trying to take care of myself. It’s nice c:

Also, I’m getting better at typing on the ipad. Purchase justified! Tomorrow I hangout with a friend. I’m excited to tell her I’m reading again.

TITLE: Thinking About a Diary DATE: 05/19/2022 10:32:43 BODY:

I’ve got a horrible headache.

I’ve been considering privating all of my entries and switching back to using a journal though typing is far easier. I feel like I’m getting self conscious about updating so often. But, I have an iPad keyboard and a cute FC2, it’d be a shame to not use them out of self consciousness..

Though in reality, I feel some fear my entries are being read by a malevolent entity who’s using these entries to justify their hatred of me. I’m really anxious about it, but I really love my FC2. I don’t want my fear to stop me from updating here.

I went out with a friend today. We went to our local dying mall. One of the stores was completely silent. I remarked that it seemed abandoned. When that mall dies, I will grieve a bit. I remember when it was alive in my youth. So many stores are gone now.

My entries are getting more mundane, but this is nice for me. I hope I give off less extreme mental illness as time goes on. I’m keeping busy, reading, working out. I hope I can stay active though I worry this is just one of those little phases.

But it’s okay if it’s a phase. Everyone has phases. That’s part of life. But, I truly feel like my life might be getting better. Reading really makes me happy. I’m on a three day streak c: Apple books gives me little notifications when I read my reading goals. It doesn’t even feel like a slog.

My main struggle is that I chose a pretty bad book to start off with. Hunger by Alma Katsu is.. I’ll give my thoughts when finished. I’ll probably put it on my website rather than FC2 though it’d be fun to convert this to an actual blog rather than Ophanim screaming though. 

Maybe in the end this will convert to a blog and I’ll go back to journalling. I’m not sure yet. I have a Yume Nikki journal an old friend gave me. I’ve only been using it for story ideas so far, but maybe I should just.. Get back into writing out my feelings on paper.

TITLE: Accidentally Reenabled My Instagram Account DATE: 05/20/2022 00:34:24 BODY:

It’s easier to not know what’s going on.  I wish I hadn’t done that. I clicked on the app and my IG account just.. Logged into itself. 

Maybe I’ll just delete it. Life is better without it. Yeah.. I’ll just delete it. I deleted it just now. It’s very freeing to be gone.

I have therapy in an hour and a half. I’m not really sure what I’ll talk about. I had a dream about my ex roommates. Normally, that’d ruin me, but now I just feel.. Not real. I’m not ruined.. Just not present.

I still have post traumatic stress. Before I deleted my Instagram, I saw the seen notification in my dm from my last conversation with an old friend from Seattle. It was very bad for me to see. It frightened me. I need to sleep.

TITLE: Remembering to Be Alive DATE: 05/21/2022 09:22:30 BODY:

Today I did not do much. Allergies have turned me into slime. Zyrtec does nothing. This is bizarre. It should. I’m taking flonase too, but it takes a while to get in your system.

I babysat all day which is still not very much to me. I used to find it exhausting but now it’s just.. part of life. I’m okay with it.

My school keeps advertising bed sheets and dorm stuff to me. I think I am getting excited. I’m also mortified. I worry about my siblings growing up without me, but I’ll call and be able to visit semi frequently. 

I have a cousin who lives a few states away. She told me she still feels close to home because of things like FaceTime. It’s easier now more than ever to see people’s faces even if you aren’t with them. She talked about how awful Skype used to be, but she still used it back in the day. I remember the horrors of Skype.

My brother walks to me when I leave him on the floor. He wraps his arms around my legs. I’m not sure what I did to make him love me so much. I worry about what will happen when I leave. I realize it’s inevitable. I can’t just stay here forever. I mean, I could. I’d just be sacrificing a lot. In truth, part of me does want to stay until he’s about 2 or 3 years old to get him attached to me, but I can not put my life on hold for the little guy. At least i’ll be here for his first birthday.

Eventually, I think I’ll try to study abroad, so.. This is something I have to get used to. I will be leaving more often. I want to travel the world, feel the wind in my hair, and all that jazz. Today, I felt it again, the vitality I felt when I planned to visit my friends in Japan, when I started my website, when I applied to college.. It’s very rare that I feel it now, but when I do, I hold onto it tightly. I have to remember it when I feel like I will crumble into little pieces.

My goals get really murky with my anxiety clouding my emotions, but when I do remember them.. When I feel that desire to travel again, to go to Japan, to major in Computer Science, to be an honors student.. I am alive :-)

TITLE: More Reading Endeavors DATE: 05/23/2022 11:57:01 BODY:

I’ve made an effort to learn JavaScript again by reading Eloquent JavaScript. I find it entertaining. I’m excited to get farther into it. I got to chapter 2 today. I’m taking it slowly- there is no rush and it allows me to digest information. I technically know everything i’ve read already. I’m excited to actually make little programs. When I get to Chapter 20 and work with node.js, that will be fun. I want to finally bite into the forbidden fruit that is programming.

To be honest, I’m more interested in backend development.. I just.. I don’t know why I’m so set on learning JavaScript. Maybe I should major in web development instead. I’m not sure. I know I can use JavaScript with Twine and maybe do some fun stuff on my website though I think I’ll do some interesting stuff with Github pages. I want to recode my portfolio site in it’s entirety. Not sure what I’ll do yet though.

I’ll think of some ideas.

Also, I’ve been thinking about getting into writing again. Artblock is killing me. Writing could be comforting… I feel like I’ve had very little motivation to do it in the past few years outside of game and comic writing. Now I want to actually work on a novel. I had a dream about a book I was reading and thought it was good. Then I woke up and decided to write it.

Wish me luck!

TITLE: Musings DATE: 05/26/2022 05:23:56 BODY:

Lately, I've felt haunted by my childhood.  I wish I hadn't been so mean when I was 10 years old.

Anyways, writing that statement makes me realize it's ridiculous to be haunted by something that happened almost 9 years ago but I feel it in my bones sometimes. Fear that the actions of my childhood will catch up to me. It's okay. It's okay.

I've been trying to learn JavaScript lately. It makes me really tired, but I enjoy it. It is like a very large puzzle. I can't wait to get to React. I just want to start doing web dev instead of coding calculators and chessboards. I don't know what I'll do yet though. Lately I've been feeling fresh out of ideas. I drew something yesterday and it was a miracle.

I'm bordering the line between okay and not okay a lot lately. Soon I will increase my zoloft dosage and hopefully that will make me okay...

I want to write more, but like i said, I've been fresh out of ideas and I've been lacking interest in things I normally love. It's a shame. Maybe I'll tackle CSS grids or something while I'm feeling so out of it.

TITLE: Drained of Everything DATE: 05/28/2022 02:38:20 BODY:

I read that trauma can freeze your emotions and drain the pleasure you feel from life.

I feel frozen and constantly bored. I’m not excited to do anything. I worry about how this will affect my college life. I keep pushing myself to do things. I code. I draw. I talk to others. I am trying to not be frozen in life despite my feelings, but it’s difficult.

I’m not sure how to overcome this.. This anhedonia. I know my emotions are still here because I am afraid. I am always anxious. Sometimes, I smile and laugh and feel joy briefly. I still have a desire to do things. I have a desire to buy a microSD for my switch, a desire to get better at programming, a desire to make my website better, but there’s this.. Wall. This wall of boredom. I work on something until the boredom overcomes me and I’d rather do something else.

I keep pushing myself to learn and do things anyway. I draw I sketch I have a new web page I’m working on, but I still feel afraid and empty and bored.

I don’t really know what to do. I worry there is no hope for me.

TITLE: the world will laugh with me DATE: 05/29/2022 12:09:52 BODY: when i stay, maybe i will covered in mushrooms
if i were to die, the world would be joyful
you are the world to me, even after all this time
please let me be free of you

TITLE: Time Is Moving Forward DATE: 05/31/2022 05:15:56 BODY:

Today there will be a party.

I am feeling at peace with my family here. It’s been a while since I’ve been with so many of them in one place. They all came to my house to celebrate my cousin graduating. I’m so proud of her!! 
 
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I’m free from my negative mind today. The air is blowing in my hair. I got it styled yesterday. College is soon. I’m rooming with other cousin.

It will all be okay… Sometimes I do really badly and I want to give up.. But it’s okay. Time is moving forward.