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TITLE: First Paycheck STATUS: Publish ALLOW COMMENTS: 1 CONVERT BREAKS: 0 ALLOW PINGS: 0 PRIMARY CATEGORY: diary CATEGORY: diary DATE: 11/04/2021 23:30:39 ----- BODY:

Okay so it's important for me to get used to budgeting. I get paid for the first time this Saturday. I must make up for the last 2 months of me doing nothing and also after seeing how poor budgeting goes for other people.. It is now more important to me.

My goals for this paycheck are the following:

Nintendo Switch Yearly Subscription ($20)

Food ($20 at most- primarily for things for my rice cooker)

Good Deals ($50- should not spend this much)

The point is to be frugal. 10% of my paycheck will go to something specific. I am not focusing on savings right now because I'm going to college and to be honest- college debt will wipe me out. My goal is to have enough money for the Steam deck by Q2 of next year and $1.5k saved up for a trip in the summer.. On the trip I'd like to be frugal so that I have money leftover but we'll see.

This should be an efficient plan. Once a month I'd like to make a big silly purchase- my big silly purchase for this month is planned already so wish me luck. I am also hoping to start biking to the store but my mom doesn't think it's very safe.. But I refuse to uber to buy rice -_-

Now I am going to make a big rice cooker pancake. Wish me Luck!

TITLE: oh DATE: 11/07/2021 02:01:37 ----- BODY:

i hurt..

idie...

worktoday..

everything bad but i get paid soon haha.. yay

i hate living sometimes.

TITLE: I Wish It Would End DATE: 11/07/2021 22:02:25 ----- BODY:

What are the reasons to kill yourself? I exist wrong- there is nothing for me here.

Do you feel love from other people? I feel love from other people, but I can't express it. I'm always angry. I'm very evil. I hurt people and I'm very flawed. If people could see my insides, they would know I am unlovable. I can't share my thoughts with people. It'll hurt them.

Do you have hope for the future? I do have a bit of hope. I always have a bit of hope, but it is always crushed. I don't wanna be optimistic anymore. It just hurts me more.

Is the problem me? The problem is me. I don't want to deal with me anymore.

Is the problem them? The problem is me. I don't want them to deal with me anymore.

Would they miss you? Yes, but the world would go on. I will become the person you used to talk to who vanished someday or the black sheep of the family who killed themselves.

Do you deserve to die? Maybe.

Do you deserve to live? I am not sure.

Do you love yourself? I only love myself when I think about how sick I am.

Do you hate yourself? I wish I didn't.

Do other people hate you? I wish they did.

Do you have a plan? I'm too scared to kill myself, but I do know how. I have a plan.

Do you want to die? I think so.

Do you want to live? I think so.

Are you scared of hell? Not anymore

TITLE: Little Entry DATE: 11/24/2021 16:33:23 ----- BODY:

It got really quiet after 9. My phone died. I used the work ipad to read Ted the Caver. I enjoyed it. I want to finish. I got to February 5th, 2001.

I finished an art trade from August. I have one more from that time and it's lined. And I have one headshot commission to finish from a friend.

I'm getting better. I had a chocolate souffle today. I bought holiday fragrances while they were on sale. I'm saving okay. I cut the bad things off of me and an analyzing the remains. Things weren't the best. It's good that that time is over.

Very tired. I have a lot I want to say but it's bed time.

TITLE: college STATUS: Publish ALLOW COMMENTS: 1 CONVERT BREAKS: 0 ALLOW PINGS: 0 PRIMARY CATEGORY: diary CATEGORY: diary DATE: 11/25/2021 04:10:10 ----- BODY:

i want to leave home

there is no reason.

so i'll stay.

i wish i was dead sometimes

TITLE: i am a worm DATE: 11/28/2021 03:04:32 ----- BODY:

i am the worm you find sitting on the concrete, dried out from being in the sun for far too long. god is punishing me for my stupidity.

it is foolish to believe i will ever have any value in this world.

i am the worm on your concrete.

you break me into pieces. my corpse is dry. it's funny to you. i didn't even realize i'd died.

you laugh because worms don't have brains.

the grass is there. it's wet. there's mud. why did i stay on the concrete?