11.28.23 | killing bad habits + THE KIDNAPPING INCIDENT
I had something click in my head where I finally stopped expecting the worst outcome in most situations. I spent a good portion of my childhood believing I would do fantastic things, but as my mental illness set in, I began to feel great disappoint and disgust with everything around me. At some point, I followed stoicism in order to prevent myself from feeling disappointment and then later, I started doing what I called "negative affirmations" which was expecting the worst of everything I do in order to avoid disappointment. I never truly stopped this habit. I expected the worst from tests, I expected to drop out of school, I expected my art to forever remain completely unknown, I thought I'd abandon my website by now, etc etc.
Well now I am a sophomore and a lot of my worries about school are fading away due to some recent developments. While most of my close relationships are online nowadays, I do have one friend I see semi-regularly (hi Robin), and I have my lolita comm. I am still a small artist, but my game is nearing completion and I've started doing community projects with other artists such as ophazines and (secret). While I worry I am not as close to everyone in my lolita comm as I'd like to be and the only thing that keeps them talking to me is our shared interest in lolita, I realize this is okay. Most friendships are brought together through shared interests. And I can always make new friends. And I have my family. And if all fails, I can get a dog.
Anyway, in short, I've been replacing these negative affirmations in my head the second they come about with positive affirmations and "i will" statements. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. In the past, disappointment would make me fall into deep pits of despair, but now I am able to shrug it off. Perhaps my perfectionism streak is finally over or I've finally given into the whims of the wind.
This has also caused me to care about other things. This blog has a lot of my private thoughts. Perhaps I should purge some of the entries? I don't really care if strangers read them very much, but I worry that they think worse of me or I may accidentally trigger someone. I also hate coming off as a very negative person. I try to be positive generally but it feels like my blog is just this heavy raincloud of bad things. I'd never delete it completely, but maybe it should be more focused on exams and clothes and other casual daily things that the agonies of being an adult in the 21st century.
I don't even know if anyone reads my diary entries to be honest, so it wouldn't be a big loss to the world if I did purge a bunch of it. But. I'm not going to do it right now. It's just a thought in my head. The other result would be to just focus on positive things and slowly let the negative entries get drowned out over time like my entries about the (redacted).
Hm much to think about. But. Enough thinking about diaries. I have to do homework and go to a nice dinner and OH YEAH I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING INCIDENT
THE KIDNAPPING INCIDENT
Okay so I had fall break part of last week. I travelled to Georgia to meet up with family. When the plane lands, my mom tells me not to take an uber and to ride with my cousin. I think that's kind of weird, but I assume she just wants to save money. I'm wondering why my cousin is still at the airport if my other family members arrived 2-3 hours ago but whatever.
I get to my cousin's car. My aunt and granny are there. I'm like hi. They pack my stuff in and we cram into the car. I'm surprised we all fit. This seems a bit unplanned. They then begin describing to me what happened to them.
My family land in Georgia and call an uber. He pulls up and opens the door for them. They begin packing and my granny and aunt gets in. The security guard says something to him- I'm not sure what. Then.. the uber driver speeds off with the doors open and my granny and aunt in the car.
My uncle and cousin chase after the uber on foot down the street. My aunt calls my cousin. Everyone one is scrambling. The uber driver is shouting "I don't know what to do I don't know what to do!" My granny can't think. My aunt is saying "please let us go." She considers jumping out of the car but doesn't want to leave granny.
The uber driver slows down to turn and my uncle and cousin catch up. The car slows enough for my aunt to get out and pull out my granny. Despite my granny's hurt legs, she manages to get out safely. My uncle and cousin pull the uber driver out of the door and begin to beat him up.
Anyway, you might've guessed. That was not the uber driver. Always check the license plate folks.
Now, the details are a bit fuzzy after this but my aunt (not the one who was kidnapped) has a theory for what happened. She believed this was a driver who wanted to make a bit of extra money. He was probably going to say something like "oh the app isn't working, can you pay me in cash?" or something like that. He had no desire to hurt them which is why he was panicking after the security guard was going to check his identity.
I think I agree. I don't know. It's really strange and scary, but we laughed about it while eating muffins and bacon.... Though I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if he decided that his best option was to continue driving rather than risk going to jail.
But everything is okay thankfully. And now we have an extremely memorable Thanksgiving.
KIDNAPPING INCIDENT OVER
Hanging out with family during the break was lovely. Not seeing my siblings or granny in months was making me insane. We played Stardew Valley, I spun my brother in a chair, I talked to my granny a bunch, talked to my mom though she ended the convo because she thought it was too sad (ok), and I got thanksgiving food. I didn't eat nearly as much as I wanted to. I went to one arcade but the food there was bad. I'm kinda disappointed. I wanted to make up for how this college STARVES ME WITH DISGUSTING FOOD. well. ok. they made lasagna today.
Tonight I'm going to dinner to meet up with the people I studied abroad with. Excited for sweet potato casserole. yim yum.
11.18.23 | self reflection
I haven't been updating the RSS feed lately. I guess I'll do that after this entry. Anyway, I've been thinking about myself and how much I am unhappy with what I have become. I say fewer words than ever before and no longer write essays. Deleting a lot of the websites pages brought me relief only to realize that now that those pages are gone, it seems like my head is empty all the time. i know it isn't, but i guess.. i worry that without my website growing, i've stopped growing. i guess that's the result of viewing my website as a piece of my soul for so long.
While I randomly think of new essays to write about, most of them are uninteresting. Alien 9 and puberty has been done already. Perhaps I could write about more obscure media, but when writing about media that doesn't have a large fandom following it, it's really frightening because the likelihood of the creator seeing your writing on their work becomes much larger. And what if my intepretations of events in a work is incorrect? This happens frequently.
My reading page hasn't been updated in a while though that's because I've been playing video games. And I've been meaning to make a video games page where I put short writeups on things I'm playing recently, but I haven't gotten around to it because that would require me to sit down and make a page. I've been too focused on game dev and Japanese class to do much outside of that. I was just working on Ommatophilia until a few moments ago. I took a break and looked through recent neocities updates from pages I follow and started reading suboptimalism's article, Cult of a Character
, and it made me miss writing.
I realize my head isn't empty because I'm making games and all of my energy goes into game dev and school and not much else. But I do miss writing essays and reading essays and being someone who had something to say. I guess my games can say a lot, but they don't go on my website. Not unless I made invidual pages about them.. Actually maybe I'll do that.
I think I also have this feeling that everyone is leaving me behind. Everyone has beautiful layouts and they're constantly making things, and I just write in my diary about how suicidal I am which I should really stop. Maybe I'll purge the entries. I don't know. I don't want to just have this website me mental illness ramblings all the time. I really should make a game dev blog, but I'm not sure I want to manage two blogs on this website at once. Updating this one is already a pain, and I'd probably stop if it wasn't such a huge comfort for me.
Anyway aah. Pointless thoughts. Pointless thoughts. I'm ready for thanksgiving. I'm excited to get full on sweet potato casserole.
11.18.23 | strange dreams
i had fucked up dreams last night. some about my mom oversharing with me and being a bad person, way worse than her irl self. not saying she's a bad person irl- i've just disliked how she's acted lately and it's manifested in my dreams. i also dreamt about being part of some elaborate fear and hunger style game where i was trying to survive but kept getting tricked by various death gods. there was one god who's goal was to expose us to so much violence that our skin peeled off, our eyes became blank, and we became solid like statues making us pure. he wanted to keep us pure and not expose us to anymore violence after entering that state, but some part of the game required violence to come near us sometimes.
there was another dream where i was afraid to go underground. i wasn't sure if it was roller coaster or a real underground haunted area so i climbed down the rock of the surface only to find it was a rollercoaster. at the bottom of underground manmade cave was an area where monks would dye their hair with various colors. i really regretted not riding the coaster, but the line was too long for my family to wait again.
aside from the weird dreams, i've been experiencing flashbacks and/or intrusive thoughts that disturb my sleep. i think it's because i missed a day of taking my zoloft. not sure. last night i was crying because the tactile hallucinations were so bad. it's happening to me again now that i've mentioned it. i will get over it though. surely.
I'm really tired.. so sleepy.. i'm worried about so many things lately. i hope i can relax in december. work on website.. not think abt school.. finish ommatophilia day 2... yesyes..
11.6.23 | chemical inbalance
i finally went to class. in fact im in class typing this. im. tired. im really tired. im still suicidal lol. putting on lolita isn't making me happy.. cool clothes always make me happy... yet i am not.. making it... i tried to work on my game and felt satisfaction until i got too tired to keep going because i've been awake for so long.
i told my mom im not going to class which she said the basic stuff i expected "you know you'll have to go home right" "you can't just not go to class because you don't feel well." things i would expect her to say before she started working in psychiatry. of course she automatically thinks it's my fault. i must not be taking my medicine. and when i was trying to tell her i was depressed originally, she just didn't believe me despite the medical diagnosis.
im.. idk. i walked into the street and hoped the bus would hit me. idk what to do. i should just die. i think. the past and present are mixing together. i stood outside the computer science building and felt like i was in high school running off campus looking for a way to avoid class. maybe school isn't for me. but i love school. my brain just doesnt obey. i dontknow. things are great, but my mental illness is ruining everything. i hate you brain. i hate you.
i went to atea tasting. it was so fun. ijst want to have fun. embrace hedonism. but i wont be abel to have fun anymore if if ail all my classes and drop out of school lol.
(later update.. i fell asleep in class)