TITLE: My Head Hurts Everyday DATE: 10/03/2021 05:23:20 ----- BODY:

I am falling apart lol but it's okay.

I'm trying to work on my game but I'm anxious. I want to hangout with people but i have no energy. Want to go out but I can't drive. Want to get a job but it feels like reality is working against me.

Really frustrated but it's fine. Someone broke a promise to me recently and didn't acknowledge it. I doubt they remember.

My appetite is gone again. I guess I am thankful. It's nice to not be hungry.

You always think people know you but they don't. and the things you know about them are just painful to you. The world is full of spikes. There's no escape really. We are all running from something. I wish I'd learn to stop running the first time things went wrong.

Sometimes you expect little things from people.. But people will never offer those little things. Being alone is nice. I don't expect anything from anyone.

yotsu lay

TITLE: Last Legs DATE: 10/03/2021 05:29:47 ----- BODY:

I feel like I'm on my last legs but no one cares really and I can't tell the people who would care.

TITLE: Liar Liar DATE: 10/03/2021 17:48:27 ----- BODY:

I have to think long term about everything.

I'm tired.

TITLE: Walls Are Closing In, Come Back Someday DATE: 10/07/2021 08:53:01 ----- BODY:

I'm leaving Seattle and going to my old home.

I don't really know how to feel. I tried to stay longer but they wanted me to leave. I don't know.. I don't know. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I hurt them both so much that they need me to leave.. But this was inevitable right? We all need space but we are in such close proximity.. Thin walls.  I'm happy I can go home I think. I just want to see a doctor as soon as possible. My health declined So rapidly here- much faster than at home.. And maybe things get worse before they get better, but it's scary... I'm terrified of being sick, especially when it starts affecting my physical health.

I'm underweight now.. I get migraines. My schizo symptoms are worse.. I have to go home. My sisters will make me happy. They'll heal me form this pain for a while, and I care about them.. So many people care about me. It's really overwhelming. It makes me feel selfish.. I like to have friends to avoid overwhelming people, and I like to make others happy.. I have to do that from a distance right? To keep myself from getting hurt? And to avoid hurting others? Or do we accept the hurt that will happen to us? Do people ever get close to each other without hurting the other person badly? I 

I have many people who make me happy now, and I make others happy too. I am doing things now. I have a support system. I won't die without them. I thought I did but I know I will be okay, and they'll be okay too. I never felt like I knew what was going on here... I'm so sick. I dissociate. I'm suffering a lot. And coming here let me think, am I doing something wrong by leaving?

They asked me to leave... I tried to stay longer but they asked me to leave.. I would've extended the time by two months.. But they asked me to leave.. And I still love them but I keep asking myself "why am i leaving now?" And I keep thinking "they asked me to leave."

I don't know how badly you can hurt someone. I don't know. I tried to stay longer but it wasn't enough. I kept getting sick. I keep getting sicker. I tried to stay longer. I tried I tried but it wasn't enough. 
On the plane,  I will write or go to sleep I guess. I hope the plane stays in the sky. I hope I can see my sisters. I hope I can see my hometown, my grandmother. I hope I can get a job and get therapy. I hope my family and friends can forgive me someday.

I don't want to rely on people anymore or use people as bandaids. I want to get a job, get therapy, get help. I have to heal on my own.. I want a support system but I don't need to rely on people as heavily as I relied on them.. No one deserves that pain on them. I'm sorry for relying on you so much. I hope you can heal. Our friendship was unsustainable.. I knew that long ago.. I should've worked on it before coming.. My stomach is hurting and I can't eat.

I just.. I need to sleep.. I can't keep packing.. I have to sleep..

yotsu lay

TITLE: I Understand How You Feel But DATE: 10/07/2021 15:20:05 ----- BODY:

I feel rejected too I guess and I always feel rejected by you.. Over and over. 

I'm sorry won't fix the pain any of us feel..

Still.. I'm sorry.

TITLE: Inherit DATE: 10/07/2021 15:30:41 ----- BODY:

My autism and mental illnesses are a part of me even though it hurts..

I don't want people to treat it like a quirk.

TITLE: Psychosis DATE: 10/07/2021 16:00:13 ----- BODY:

In the end I realized I'm afraid and I have been for a long time. I'm afraid of everyone and constantly fall into this trap.. I am mentally ill.. And I fall into this trap over and over.

I don't understand anything.. Why did ??? let that happen? Why didn't ??? realize that was too much for me? I knew something like this would happen. Am I being pessimistic now? It's just.. I knew. I knew it was unnerving it was and everyone was lying.. It triggered my psychotic break but it feels like it's not even being treated seriously... Do ??? you know what paranoia is like? Going in and out of lucidity and only feeling tension????

Being psychotic feels so embarrassing.. Because you're always embarrassed! When you're being irrational? And No one knows how to take care of you unless they're a professional?

How can something I do be unfair if I didn't know all the circumstances? Am I playing victim again? It hurt my feelings a lot.

I'm hurting so bad, but it feels like no one understands what I'm saying.. Two months isn't a long time.. But it is when you're watching your cousin go through high school.. It is when you're missing your siblings grow.. It is when your time with someone you care about it is limited. And I think I expressed these concerns before? Maybe I did? I don't remember.

I told you what I was experiencing and everyone shrugs it off over and over and over. And it fucking hurt. Schizo symptoms ruined my high school years and you know?  And it feels like... It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts and i know i'll be normal tomorrow but it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.

Such cruel words.. 

People will always hurt each other..  Trust no one trust no one <3 Everything is bad and everyone is evil. There's a reason the eyes on the walls follow you whhen you're not paying attention. I'm so tired. I don't hate ??? but I do but I don't really. I'm so tired of being sick. 

I should die huh.

Please don't let me die tomorrow.

TITLE: i am playing victim again DATE: 10/07/2021 16:07:02 ----- BODY:

i just thought i'd have help right now and i can feel myself slipping into something inescapable and no matter how much someone says it's temporary, it's life changing if i end up in the hospital again and get overmedicated again. please i just need help and i can't escape this thing without help i just get more stressed and you pushed me farther into it and please stop treating my mental illness like a quirk telling anyone about my mental health was a mistake please dont do that to me anymore im dying im scared someones outside the door im so scared

TITLE: Dandelions DATE: 10/07/2021 16:29:37 ----- BODY:

I am 18 years old. I am currently suffering a psychotic break. I am emotional and I'm really tired of people..

I don't really want to trust people with my heart anymore. I don't really care how much I grovel or beg when I am not in my right mind- I was hurt by your actions. I was hurt by the things you said to me. To be quite frank, I find some of it to be unforgiveable. I find some of the conduct targeted towards me to be unforgiveable.

I have no desire to continue this further unless you apologize- unless you show some sympathy for my situation. I know you're hurting but I have been by your side for 3 years now. Now is truly not to time to isolate from me because I don't think I can forgive you.

I have cut you slack a lot, and I know I've been an awful friend in the past. You were there for me as I was there for you. I stuck through your many absences, I decided to view you fondly despite my reservations. It was a mistake. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of it all. 

If you were scared of me killing myself, why would you ignore me when I talked about my psychosis? And maybe I sound cruel, but it's true.

I wanted you to take care of me. You don't really have the ability. You were cruel to me- both of you. Through your inaction and your words in the end. And then you asked me to leave when I was trying to fight my psychosis and switching for you. You violated my boundaries. You let me sit overstimulated. You left me alone as my psychosis got worse.

I shouldn't have relied on anyone to take care of me. We all know to take care of ourselves now, so well, I hope this is a listen I can keep close to me in the future and you know? You can excuse me of running.. But maybe I am leaving because it's hard to be with someone who runs away from me.

- Marie

TITLE: I Don't Remember Much STATUS: Publish ALLOW COMMENTS: 1 CONVERT BREAKS: 0 ALLOW PINGS: 0 PRIMARY CATEGORY: diary CATEGORY: diary DATE: 10/08/2021 02:34:01 ----- BODY:

I don't remember much from the past few days. When I try to think about it, some part of me gets really mad. I guess I won't think about it.

I actually can feel my brain getting rid of things from the last two days.. I'll probably set the journal entries from the 7th to private.. It doesn't feel like I was writing them.

I have to do it later though.. I'm going somewhere today..  I go home Saturday. I don't feel anything.

In Seattle, I learned the proper way to wash rice. I also learned that I can do things myself if I try hard enough. I also learned that coping mechanisms are very imperfect.

I don't feel anything. It's very nice

TITLE: please acknowledge that you traumatized me DATE: 10/08/2021 05:43:53 ----- BODY:

mother please..

TITLE: Mental Illness Is Real DATE: 10/08/2021 18:30:27 ----- BODY:

I want to talk about my feelings with this experience and with no anger or malice in my heart. I don't want to think about anyone else except for myself right now.

I sat outside in the cold for a while as a form of self harm. I planned to sleep out there until a dear friend online reminded me I have a plane tomorrow and having a cold on a plane would be very unpleasant. This made me go inside. Sometimes  I need one logical argument rather than emotional ones. Emotion doesn't work very for me very well until a solid logical argument is presented. 

I do a lot of silly things because of my mental illness. I spam my journals. I send long dms. I hurt myself. I overwhelm my friends. I make questionable decisions. I get weird delusions. I scare people. I run away. My feelings build inside my heart. The list is endless.

My coping mechanisms are bizarre but no one has the right to question them unless I am actively hurting myself or if they have a better solution- especially if some of my coping mechanisms are out of reach. It's a bit painful to feel like I'm bad for behaving a certain way such as when I detach from my emotions at the moment- especially when I have done this throughout my life to function as a person.

I want to be able to confront people when they hurt me. I am not there yet but eventually I will be. 

Despite being disabled, I don't want to rely on people. Many people hate to hangout with people who are on the schizophrenia spectrum because they can not deal with their bad days. I want to be able to deal with it on my own, unless I can find someone who I know for sure can deal with me when I am at my worse. I don't really think this will happen. It's a shame service dogs are a luxury.

I don't like to feel anger but I am mentally ill and human. When people do not work with me or when my logic fails, I get upset. I am very stubborn because I am logical and I feel as though my logic stumps over everything else. I am not broken for this. It's just how I am. Sometimes emotion can work for me when I am already emotional over a specific thing, but I simply prefer to be logical.

I have to sleep now. I'm tired. One more day and then I will see my sisters. Goodnight everyone.

TITLE: im sorry im such a handful DATE: 10/10/2021 12:50:17 ----- BODY:

i'm home

TITLE: There Are Many Worlds We Live In DATE: 10/11/2021 07:58:59 ----- BODY:

I have to take happiness with my own hands.. I need to squeeze it between my fingers until it becomes much. I will pour it into a cup and take a sip each day and whenever the cup is empty, I will squeeze more happiness into that cup.

I don't really mind. It's hard not to dwell. I am grieving... I still have to keep fighting the urge to dwell.

Anthy Himemiya has been on my mind quite a lot lately.. Maybe I'll rewatch Utena.

Witches and princesses aren't real. I've been playing pretend this whole time I guess.

I don't think you realized you revolutionized a world, even if it wasn't yours. I love you for that.

I don't know if you read these anymore. You probably don't really. I don't know if you ever did. Sometimes I like to imagine you do though sometimes it's scary too.

While napping, I dreamt that a plant was trying to kill me.

TITLE: Substances DATE: 10/12/2021 16:44:30 ----- BODY:

I don't like substances. I don't want to be near substances. I don't like weed. I don't like alcohol. I don't like shrooms. 

Genuinely any mind altering substance.. I simply do not care for it.

Everyone lies about their substance use. You can become dependent on anything. I hate it all. I hate it all..

I don't want people drinking or liking weed to result in me avoiding them but I just don't want people high around me anymore. I hate it here. I hate it all. 

I wish I'd never tried it, but now that I have I don't even understand how people get dependent on it.

It's not as bad as alcohol and I don't think it should be illegal I'm just tired of it all. 

How much suffering have I done while the people I loved were in altered states? It happens over and over. My stomach hurts.


TITLE: Fan Content and NSFW STATUS: Publish ALLOW COMMENTS: 1 CONVERT BREAKS: 0 ALLOW PINGS: 0 PRIMARY CATEGORY: diary CATEGORY: diary DATE: 10/17/2021 11:56:43 ----- BODY:

I don't like most NSFW fan content and I am realizing how uncomfortable it makes me. I also don't like NSFW being brought up when I don't expect it. I thought I could change this about myself but I can't. It just stresses me out.

I'm just processing. I can't play dragon quest builders 2 despite wanting to because I kept being told NSFW about a comfort character in game. I'm not mad or anything. It's upsetting. I like him- I like cuddling with him. I like when he' says comforting things, but then I start dissociating when he's talking about stuff because I think about all the NSFW stuff my friends(?) said about him.

Seeing it on accident once or twice is fine but being told about it a lot and almost having to witness it is stressful... I thought I could get used to it but it's kind of a relief knowing I won't have to think about it anymore...

I want to make a birthday gift for  a friend but scared... I can't draw the character now because  I associate him that that :( I wish I'd tried harder to establish boundaries... Though I guess  I thought it was obvious or I had to live with it so I accepted I was in the wrong for disliking it.. I don't know..

I can't remember if I established boundaries.. I don't know I don't know I'm so confused..

yotsu sorry

TITLE: holidays DATE: 10/24/2021 11:51:04 ----- BODY:

i've been in a bad mood lately, but now i am infected.. with the holiday spirit.

i've been dreaming walking through the mall outlet with a lover or a friend drinking hot chocolate and buying decorations for the holidays that occur this time of year. i'm feeling good.

that time in my life is over... the time before this time. i have to make new goals to align with the things i've learned and i think all i want is a fulfilling life. i am realizing how likely it is that i will die alone. i am scared of codependency and struggle with talking to people on a deeper level without establishing codependency. but i don't want to worry about love or partners or my decreasing time to find someone.. 

i want to think about the yams i will eat on thanksgiving, learning how to prepare foods for a friend i want to visit in the summer, working, the wine task assigned to me by pf chang's, computer science, etcetera. i can worry about love later.. idk if i'll find anyone. that's okay. i can own snakes and a big dog and live alone. 

i made a discord server for rpg maker games. it's been fun to run. i have also been working on my game which has been fun and making friends.. i swing back and forth between happy and hopeless now. i feel like how i did when i broke up with my first serious ex, but this time i have a nice support system and i am trying to change for the better.

things are okay.. on monday i have my first day at work if things go well.. i'm finally working on my game again. i am friends with people i admire a lot and some of my friends even seem to admire me.. it makes me happy.

things will be okay even if they are different. my family is better. my sisters are older so they respect my boundaries more. my brother is a sweetheart. i'm okay.