10.31.23 | the bandlands

for months i've been thinking about the badlands. it repeats over and over in my head. i think ive had dreams of being there. i think i need to go someday. i think i need to go and i think there's something there. something is waiting for me there. maybe i'll be at peace. maybe i can finally die. or maybe what i'll find what's missing.

10.31.23 | consumed by thoughts of you. happy halloween?

today was fine, and yet i am sitting at night consumed by missing something. my family, my abusers, the mountains, my childhood.

someone is nice to me sometimes and i cant figure out why. i feel like she's mocking me. but maybe she isnt.

i cant stop crying. but i love halloween. i got a lot of candy today. i wore the angel wings i didnt wear last year. i had the last day of two of my courses so now my tuesdays are free.

i cant stop crying.

last year.. didn't i have the best halloween ever? this was supposed to be a fun year too. i saw five nights at freddy's this weekend. i wore lolita around campus. i cooked fried rice in my dorm room. i had alone time in one of the community rooms in the dorm.

the weather was nice and chilly. i wore a bpn vest that made me so warm. i didnt need a coat. the trick or treat event in the library was fun. i ate all the candy. i ate so much today. because it's halloween.

im still looking for people to replace you because im a sad little thing without you.

10.27.23 | going back in time

im miserable and suicidal. this happens a lot at night lately. im just.. dealing with the pressures of life. it's not really that bad really. i just get crushed by it. and lately i've been obsessed with nostalgia. i listen to old music that made me happen, i look at old brands i watch old youtubers. when i was drawing the other day, i felt like i was back on deviantart. im not sure why i keep going back in time.

I went to a career fair, and it made me wonder if i'll even be able to get a job. like even if i graduate, these companeis.. i just.. feel so out of it. i dont know how to go in and work. i just want to be in my room and draw all day. sometimes i wonder if i couldve gone to art school, but i know i shouldn't have. but was this the right decision? im making friends.. but.. im still sick. something's wrong.

idk. everything's still. im still the jealous messed up kid i was 5 years ago. im still thinking about people i cant stand. im still circling and circling. i just want to be okay. idont know. do you think finn as an adult still thinks of the people he screwed over or the people who hate him.

that brings me comfort. but it feels weird to find myself going back to something that i was obsessed with as a teenager.i just feel like something's wrong lately, but i can't identify what it is. maybe it's because im struggling in my classes. my grades aren't awful, but they're not as good as last semester's. but one reason im struggling so much is because of my mental health. it's still embarrassing since i did so well last semester.

maybe htat's the cause. id ont think so though. it's probably contributing. i wish i had something sweet. i wish i wish i iwish i can tcall anyone because they'll take me away. i wish i could say "i want my brains smashed in" without being put in ambulance and taken to a hospital... god getting hospitalized would really screw me over.

10.21.23 | lol

So. Something i've been trying to do for weeks (model for Atelier Perriot) may not come to fruition due to schedule conflicts (the fitting is thursday, i arrive friday). I should be crying or screaming or be really angry about how long it took for me get the dates, but I realized osmething. I will feel relief if I can't go to the con to model. I will be okay. i mean i'm a bit sad, but.. I'm so tired.

I tried so hard to make this happen. I saved up money for the con, made living arrangements with a family member in the area, found someone to take me on Friday, found someone to take my shift the day before so i could pack, scheduled time off, etc... But it may not work out. It hurts a lot- I won't lie, but like, i'll be okay. the relief comes from the fact that it's a lot of stress doing this with my schedule... and it's a lot of money to go to the con at all. and i was told a week before the con is happening. so it's just kind of like.. well... i tried really hard. i tried really really hard. i did everything in my power to make things work out, and something out of my control ruined a dream.

I prayed that it'll work out so obviously I still care, but I just... If it doesn't work out, well, I'll buy iron gate and I'll go see Five Nights at Freddy's on opening day. and honestly that is starting to sound more fun that going to an anime con. I might just be getting old i guess.... I just texted a friend I hope they can't accomodate my schedule...... I'm so tired. Surely I'll get another opportunity like this again.. So. it's fine if i cant. In fact. If I can't, I look forward to sleeping in.

10.20.23 | web development vs neurotocism

So. I went a bit insane and purged a lot of pages from the website. I finally purged a lot of the CSS in the stylesheet and moved it onto individual pages (we will see if i come to regret this), and for a few hours, this blog had been deleted as i felt it wasn't the best representation of myself. it's back now because this is a major coping mechanism for me, and it's deletion would result in further neurotocism.

It's 2:48AM and I have work in the morning, but I am feeling so on edge from deleting so much stuff. Okay, deleted is a strong word. A lot of it is still on my laptop in a folder marked as "retired." Maybe I'll upload it to the website tomorrow. Maybe I'll accidentally delete the folder and those pages will only exist on the wayback machine. Who knows?

I just kept feeling like my website was too big and it was bogged down by a lot of pages I didn't really care about anymore. No Manifesto is gone. Although it meant something to some people, it didn't really interest me anymore. The followup, Manifesto, is also gone because I have no desire to have an internet manifesto. machine girl page is gone. second life page is gone For now. I just really disliked the design of the page, and it was so image heavy that it loaded very slowly. It'll come back in some form probably if I ever feel like coding it again.

I'm considering moving this diary to PHP but everytime I look into it, I'm like "that's way too much fucking work." Idk. Who cares about any of that? To be honest, I'm just happy the website is slimmer now. I feel like it's a better reflection of my current likes and ideals and interests. I will grieve the kitchen page. I was even preparing to make onigiri to update it, the rice is in the fridge. But it's just way too much energy and thinking about it would blast me with 100 brain damage. I think I just want to write essays about media every two years and update my diary and reading pages. And like talk about my projects. The collections page is gone simply because my collection feels too big to photograph ahah.

The lolita page... It's still here. i'm unhappy with it but it's here. I'm unhappy with everything on my site lately. I'm worried the iframes are clunky, the old home page was way cuter and more versatile, there's too many broken links, no one likes webp maybe I shouldn't have converted all the images. None of it really matters because it's a simple hobby but I'll obsess over it like it does.

I just feel like such a disappointment. Boring disappointing webpages boring words boring boring boring boring.

10.17.23 | i can see clearly now the rain is gone

Huzzah! Covid is gone. I can breathe. I still have to wear a mask until Thursday but that's better than being stuck in my bed.

My sense of taste and smell has returned. In fact, I can smell better than before which kind of sucks but I am coping lol. You might be thinking "Mala, did you learn that the pandemic hasn't ended and you shouldn't be going out so wrecklessly?" The answer is.. No. I'm going to a con next weekend and this weekend I'm going to a lolita shopping event. Hmu if you're going to be at either. Say hi. I'll be modelling at the con for Atelier Perriot. Cross that off the bucket list.

I'm getting my hair straightened in the morning because they wanted my hair to be completely black. I would've preferred getting braids but it was just.. too short of a notice T_T. Scheduling an appointment for a good price in less than two weeks with my schedule is a pain.

Nyah. Anyway, dev on Ommatophilia has been going well. I've been talking about it on my fediverse instance.. I've been interacting with more people across the fediverse, so trying to actually use it for game talk instead of rambling about silly things like the fear of falling in my platforms and dreaming that a Makima figurine possessed by Spamton was attacking me and my cousin. Haha. Haha.

The RSS feed is seriously behind. My apologies. It's important that I update it or else every update will get lost in the void. I really should get rid of most of the pages on this website and just focus on the things I actually update. Cooking page needs to be purged. Essays need to be put on one page rather than in the navbar. This diary needs to not be 1000 iframes and needs it month to be seperated into a unique page. I won't do it, but I dream of it. I'm just so tired and busy now. It's hard to do anything I want. I'm so behind studying in Japanese. I don't know any Katakana. I wanted to study over fall break, but I've just been sleeping and when I'm awake I do a bit of gamedev, then go back to sleep.

I watched Alien 9 while I took down my hair and I really enjoyed it. Then read the manga. Thoughts on reading page tonight probably. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm finally picking up the habit of watching anime again. I also started rewatching Serial Experiments Lain... I wish the culture around Lain wasn't so fucking weird. But when I forget about them, I enjoy the anime. Hopefully I can finish watching it this week.

I tried watching Jujutsu Kaisen because so many people like it, and I enjoyed Demon Slayer.. But it was not my cup of tea unfortunately. It's a shame. I was really looking forward to it. Maybe I'll try again. I only watched the first ep- I just can't imagine myself getting too into it based on the premise and writing of the first episode. I'm not calling it bad, just not my thing.

I need to update a lot of things on this site.. It's really getting to me.. I don't know.. I'm just so worn out. I think I have to be less strict with how I update things. Lately I've been updating live from the browser rather than in my code editor which makes me a lot faster. Of course, the issue is that sometimes I upload from my code editor and save over my work (the reason the neighborhoods page is missing so many buttons, i don't know what webrings i've joined, etc etc.. lots of stuff is missing because of this). I'm just not really sure.. what the solution to this problem is. I'm sure there is one though.

I was scrolling through the neocities feed and found sugarforbrains persona dress up game. It made me so happy. It brought me back to being young and playing dress up games on DeviantArt. I forgot Ruffle is a thing. I want to make a dress up game now.. Not sure if I'll use flash or not. Using flash is appealing because of the pure nostalgia and the drag and drop element, but also, the idea of using something that can only be run with an emulator causes me to experience pain.

Yogurt200 made a dress up game in renpy which seems simple enough. I just took a break from writing the entry to play the dress up game and take the quiz. I'll read the story tomorrow. So cute. So cute.

Well.. It's 4AM now. I have a hair appointment at 10AM and need to return the RA phone before 8 ;T_T. So I guess I should at least try to sleep... Goodnight.

10.13.23 | getting covid again

Originally this was titled "I have a sinus infection." Well, tada, I do not have a sinus infection. I got covid. This was inevitable. I go out pretty frequently, and going to the amusement park was the final straw really. I'm not vaccinated due to lack of car, and my parent viewing the vaccines as.. Not necessary (putting it lightly). I think other people I was with that day also got Covid, but it didn't hit them nearly as hard as it hit me.

I have chicken noodle soup, but eating it is a pain because all I can taste is the high sodium levels. I've been eating yogurt which I can taste just fine. I haven't been able to eat a lot of things because I'm quarantined and my stomach was messed up, so I'm not sure if my sense of taste has been altered or not. It's just.. the salt.. I usually like chicken noodle soup. Now it's like.. the taste of adding too much seasoning to ramen.

Okay, I want to talk about things I've done lately. RPG Maker webring now uses PHP. I feel a bit sad that i'm no longer carefully curating it by hand, but.. I too tired now.

I went to a lolita meetup I've been looking forward to since April and is probably how I got covid.

It was really delightful though I didn't get any sweets which I really regret!!!!!!! We just ran out of time. It's good for my diet (I'm trying to eat better lately), but man. No Cinnamon Bun. No Fudge. No funnel cake. :c But at least I got dressed up with my friends and rode rollercoasters!

Also, I started working on a little shimeji while sick. I just don't have the energy on brainpower for game dev or major website things. Shimeji stuff is pretty mindless and relaxing. Perhaps I will upload how it looks in the next entry!