10.30.24 | mundanities

hi everyone. i've been struggling to wake up lately though this happens every time i start taking my meds again, so it will hopefully clear up in about a week (an eternity in university student time). i'm taking a break from work. it's 2:41AM. i chugged two bottles of those starbucks expressos they sell at convenience stores and took my focalin pretty late, so i'll be awake for a bit longer though i am yawning so maybe not.

my goal for tonight is to catch up on all my Japanese classwork and study for my test tomorrow. then tomorrow, i hope to catch up on all my web server side work. then, perhaps, i will catch up on all my online classes.. yes.. that is the way.. i'll be in the office for many hours tomorrow, so i should be able to get a lot of work done. hopefully. it's hard to focus lately. i think i don't eat enough with my meds. i'm kind of an idiot. sometimes, i just eat a few spoonfuls of rice, take my focalin, and leave. i struggle to eat anything lately.

i just desire.. very few things. i can go to the dining hall and eat a plate of fries and maybe a chicken patty though sometimes i bite into the patty and lose all interest. not sure what's up with that. sometimes, something will taste delicious, but i can't eat more than a few bites. it's probably contributing to how tired i am lately. i never have this problem when i go get asian food though, so i know i'm just being a brat about it lol. i love eating out..

i went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of cup noodles and refrigerated fried rice containers. i microwaved one this morning but as i said, i only ate a few bites. i couldn't find my soy sauce. maybe with soy sauce, i'd be able to eat more. not sure. food aversion is dumb. i don't have ARFID by the way. i think i'd eat a wider variety of things if i had more money or energy to cook.. but i'm broke and lazy.

ultimately it's one of those things i don't really wanna bring up to a therapist or psychiatrist because if they start me on a medication to increase my appetite, i will kill someone lawl, and i don't wanna be diagnosed with an eating disorder for many reasons. besides, i'm not losing weight or anything. i think. honestly i'm not sure. my body seems to hold onto every calorie it can, so i'm not really worried about weight loss most of the time. when i do lose weight, it usually comes back. though.. my muscles hurt a lot lately. and it's worse because i spend so much time lying inbed. i'm always aching. it's hard to ride my bike now -_-

bla bla bla.. it's almost 3am.. i guess i should get back to work.

10.28.24 | oh no, i'm alive!

hello. hello. i am alive. a little bit. i'm exhausted. i have lots to update everyone on, but i probably won't remember all of it lol. so. here's the most important parts.

i had a date! yippee! second date actually! it was so fun! so delightful! i had a delightful time. we were going to go to a cafe and cemetery but both were closed, so we went to the woods at night. it was scary as shit lol. there was so much rustling in the trees, and by the time we made it to the Watering Plant, it was almost pitch black.

we went back to my dorm and watched lolita and mana sama videos... we did that because we were like "we don't have enough time to watch kamikaze girls" but then we spent forever watching random videos haha!

i am currently facetiming the her. we just spent like two hours going through sanrio rankings LMAO. i don't know how that happened.

she's awesome. i am working on a playlist for her hehe and some other things. since the weather is cooling down, i have to think of winter dates.. but i am not sure what to do in the winter. i was thinking maybe roller skating. i asked my comm leader for tips since she's always thinking of things for the lolita community to do.

onto other things. i should explain my absence. i've just been in the horror house. pharmaceutical failures, behind on all my assignments, etc etc. i don't know if it's adhd or depression or both. i just feel like i've really dropped the ball. i can't wake up in the mornings a lot of the time- i just end up sleeping for 16 hours a day.

ugh. such a pain. i've missed so many classes. i'm so anxious because i love class. hoping i can recover.. i don't know. i want to scream really. it's embarrassing. but.. talking to rain, the girl i'm seeing, is nice. she gives me motivation to try harder. i want to do well in school so i can stay in this area and keep seeing her. if i fail, then how will i stay in this town. how will i keep studying here? you get me?

she also calls to wake me up in the mornings. which is so lovely. hehe.. i feel like she does so much more than me. i want to match her effort, but i kind of just.. ahhgh i am just not my best lately. but my med situation is sorted (for now), so perhaps i will finally be okay for a little while. but this shit never ends. if one thing happens, then another thing happens.

i've also.. i haven't found much comfort in my hobbies outside of game dev and drawing and writing. i used to love blogging and neocities for comfort, but i kind of.. feel.. bad lately.. again. idk. there's been weird shit happening. i'm just...