https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/ diary updates from ophanim's chariot Tue, 29 Sep 2026 20:41:00 +0000 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=29#post-307 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=29#post-307 Tue, 29 Sep 2026 20:41:00 +0000 today i saw my sister's choir concert. 1/3 of the way through i started to cry. i tried to write notes during the downtimes. tendency to dissociate when stressed out unable to function without dissociating unable to be. afunxtii I think jealousy and envy are inherently ugly words. I’d rather use som… [tags: nonsense, nightmares] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=26#post-306 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=26#post-306 Sat, 26 Sep 2026 00:01:00 +0000 A few weeks or a month ago now, I was messaged about someone being happy that we could exist in the same spaces. I didn't know what to say.. The only option for me is to be kind to others in spaces. I do not desire to act in any other way. I leave areas when I feel disrespected or when I feel people… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=25#post-305 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=25#post-305 Fri, 25 Sep 2026 18:39:00 +0000 Today was a bust (sort of). I got a monitor from a Chinese restaurant for $30 smackaroos. Now I'm going to order some cables some VGA cable adapters. Anyways, I mainly came to ramble. Lately, I feel rather deranged because I've had to remember that kids have no rights. I think about childhood and la… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=23#post-304 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=23#post-304 Wed, 23 Sep 2026 23:03:00 +0000 I want to write before I am too tired to think anymore. This morning it was really cold which means it was nice to go outside. Soon I will be able to integrate more of my EGL into my work outfits since it will not be too hot for it. I really do look forward to it. Trying to dress for hotter weather … https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=17#post-303 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=17#post-303 Thu, 17 Sep 2026 22:38:00 +0000 Talking about my feelings is like someone is reaching into my throat to inflict as much pain upon me as possible. Each word that comes out is violent. I want to die. I want to die. I hate myself. I'm such a fucking loser. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Hi #####. today we discussed ways… [tags: nonsense] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=17#post-302 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=17#post-302 Thu, 17 Sep 2026 13:30:00 +0000 (I think I might be safe for a while, but it's hard to calm down again. It would be nice if I didn't have amnesia) Many days I wake up and feel like I am closing my own coffin. It is hard to figure out what to think. Do I want friends? Do I want to burn every bridge? Do I want to go to sleep? What a… [tags: nonsense] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=6#post-301 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-09&day=6#post-301 Sun, 06 Sep 2026 15:56:00 +0000 Blog's back! Why was it gone? So, erm, obviously my life went to hell. A lot happened in my life. Most of my life I've felt as though when something happens to me, I just can't really talk about it. I mean I think this may not be obvious, but I've always been depressing. But I wasn't talking about m… [tags: nonsense] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-08&day=5#post-300 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-08&day=5#post-300 Wed, 05 Aug 2026 07:22:00 +0000 Tomorrow I'm going to hangout with Zed. This will be fun. I've been afraid of everyone and everything, but have no IRLs to move out with (outside of one who lives two  hours away but sometimes visit). Mother is critical when I hangout with this friend. Once she intensely asked if we were lesbian lov… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-08&day=3#post-299 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-08&day=3#post-299 Mon, 03 Aug 2026 07:57:00 +0000 There's a squirrel corpse. I've seen it two days in a row on the way to the dog park. I forget it's there. My dog walks up to it. I scream. He knows I'm scared. He trots away from it with no sense of urgency. There are disturbances in the ground like an animal is traveling beneath them.  The ground … https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-07&day=12#post-297 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-07&day=12#post-297 Sun, 12 Jul 2026 08:18:00 +0000 Hi! Hello! I have released my Toxic Yuri Jam game. It will likely follow a similar path to Glow of Honeydew (artbook, Steam release, polish added for Steam, etc.), but for now, I am stepping back from it to avoid burning out. I am very happy! I wanted to challenge myself... To create something as go… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-07&day=5#post-296 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-07&day=5#post-296 Sun, 05 Jul 2026 12:38:00 +0000 I have been very depressed and moody. So, my blog posts are always angsty. I blog slightly to keep up my streaks, but my desire is low because admittedly, talking about in depth problemsin my life does not appeal to me at the moment for a variety of reasons. So, we will go over a lot of Ls and Ws fr… [tags: life update] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-07&day=4#post-295 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-07&day=4#post-295 Sat, 04 Jul 2026 02:47:00 +0000 i think past me thought i'd kill myself who knew i just would begin to fail to survivie lol. idont even feel like venting a lot of the time. or writing my thoughts. there's just not much i can do lol. i don't wanna go home. i don't want to work. i don't want to exist. i don't want to do anything. i'… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-06&day=30#post-294 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-06&day=30#post-294 Tue, 30 Jun 2026 07:51:00 +0000 i am still not doing too fantastic though sinking my days into game development is helping a lot. i just keep waiting for my life to end. which sounds crazy, but it's hard. i think i'm always waiting for my life to end. i have  to keep doing things to survive. people ask me how i do so much. i love … https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-06&day=25#post-293 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-06&day=25#post-293 Thu, 25 Jun 2026 11:12:00 +0000 too tired to post entries lately but it's because of game development stuff. i am also mainly talking to my friends. i passed two job interviews but both were hiring immediately and i am not moving until next month so now i am taking a break. but they all take weeks to respond so it feels rather unf… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-05&day=22#post-292 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-05&day=22#post-292 Fri, 22 May 2026 14:18:00 +0000 the bookstore. sometimes i feel like i'm in a room. there are two doors. one is always locked. i don't know what's on the other side. i pull at it. maybe if i were stronger, i could open it despite the lock. but, i keep slamming my body into the door over and over and over again. that's what i have … https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-05&day=9#post-291 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-05&day=9#post-291 Sat, 09 May 2026 17:17:00 +0000 hello!! i'm going through it but i will survive surely! idk! lol. i want to make summer good despite that, but i guess i'll get things out of the way. i broke up with  my girlfriend (i'm fine outside of a somewhat hollow emptiness lol. i actually am not really grieving as the romance part of our rel… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-05&day=2#post-290 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-05&day=2#post-290 Sat, 02 May 2026 15:19:00 +0000 i released a new game! yippie. i think it's okay. i could do better i if wasn't dying. i wrote about it in the afterword, basically describing the feeling of 'never getting there' but also accepting it by the end. sometimes the jams are like that. i've been getting through commissions quickly again,… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=28#post-289 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=28#post-289 Tue, 28 Apr 2026 14:05:00 +0000 i decided to decorate this entry with images by kouri, the creator of ib The large RPG Maker zine that has kind of been my life for the past year is now in a state of “completion.” As in, it’s out of every scheduled phase. Do I feel a sense of accomplishment or pride? I unfortunately have to say no.… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=26#post-288 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=26#post-288 Sun, 26 Apr 2026 23:30:00 +0000 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=26#post-287 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=26#post-287 Sun, 26 Apr 2026 05:19:00 +0000 The day was nice. I looked forward to it all week. Lichdolly took me out to get hibachi. I  didn't get pictures of Hibachi, but we stopped by an abandoned video store before hand. It was pleasant. Abandoned places always make me happy. This post is doing well on Rednote which means soon I will turn … https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=24#post-286 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=24#post-286 Fri, 24 Apr 2026 14:37:00 +0000 today i asked my mom 3 times what she was cooking for dinner. she heard me after third question. i went to the doctor and they told me to call my neurologist to ask about my medication since i was given an injection and also had qulipta prescribed. mri brought back nothing. eeg said nothing too. i c… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=20#post-285 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=20#post-285 Mon, 20 Apr 2026 01:48:00 +0000 hi. this entry will try to give some life updates. i don't work at the fucked up evil call center anymore. it is kind of all an awful fever dream now. it makes me kind of sick to think about, but i'm free so no use in worrying! two days later, i had my first interview at the sex store and a week aft… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=9#post-284 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-04&day=9#post-284 Thu, 09 Apr 2026 04:56:00 +0000 i feel as though my life is not really in my hands due to my constant pain and the restrictions of my job. i feel not extremely present. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.  have you ever been to a beach and played in the waves? they push you back consistently. it's fun, but sometimes you can screw up. your… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=28#post-283 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=28#post-283 Sat, 28 Mar 2026 02:00:00 +0000 I should probably post more things I'm up to. There is never relief from work, but I read about 42% which is spending 10% of your ay oing things to relax when you are burned out.. So instea of workng until I pass out, I sometimes play dress up. There is still no online dress up game I've found as ro… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=27#post-282 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=27#post-282 Fri, 27 Mar 2026 05:18:00 +0000 i was sick and my wife was also unwell though i was the sicker of the two so we had a sickness date where she nursed me back to health and we watched the hills have eyes (1977). we plan to watch the 2006 version too and it's like $3 on ebay. i haven't had energy to write though i'm realizing this me… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=25#post-281 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=25#post-281 Wed, 25 Mar 2026 23:51:00 +0000 hi. sorry for messages about sadness and being too open about my suicidality. i'll never do anyhting because i'm always too scared when i get close. i leave them up because maybe a year from now everything will be better and i'll be free from my family and my endless cycle of housing crises and go "… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=22#post-278 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=22#post-278 Sun, 22 Mar 2026 15:08:00 +0000 please please please please https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=22#post-279 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=22#post-279 Sun, 22 Mar 2026 14:22:00 +0000 I don't understand why murderers can be killed by the american government but assisted suicide is inhumane. i'd go in the electric chair!!!!!! inject me with something! fire squad me!! the government wants me dead yet they don't kill me openly because of sensibilities. let me ask for it! everyone tr… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=22#post-277 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=22#post-277 Sun, 22 Mar 2026 13:55:00 +0000 the hangman's jig is scary. i have always known about rate of errors with hanging and how high it is, even if a professional does it (ie how they used to do it when executions were a thing in the UK, people often hanged longer than intended but the British love to watch people suffer). i really thin… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=20#post-276 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=20#post-276 Fri, 20 Mar 2026 10:21:00 +0000 good evening! i have gotten sick at my job 3 times. i have gotten the flu, i got something else i couldn't really get diagnosed after being charged $300 for the flu, and now i have a stomach bug. i also have made more errors than anyone else in our department. #ThisIsPeopleUsedSlursToDescrcibeMyActi… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=12#post-275 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-03&day=12#post-275 Thu, 12 Mar 2026 16:30:00 +0000 i try t keep entries positive but i don't really have energy to write when i have the energy to be positive. all that positivty goes towards living but the well is dried up. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. lately i think i could die alone in my apartment. no one… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=27#post-274 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=27#post-274 Fri, 27 Feb 2026 01:29:00 +0000 I saved my diary and website passcodes to my phone in hopes of updating while on the bus, but I've found that I'm just too tired to even do anything on the bus much of the time so I mindlessly stare out the window. But, I wanted to provide updates! Lately I have felt extremely unlikeable but I reali… [tags: employment] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=19#post-273 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=19#post-273 Thu, 19 Feb 2026 07:43:00 +0000 Hello. I have work in an hour and a half. I am trying to hold out hope once i get used to this routine, I will be normal but in truth, I sort of feel like my life is over lol. I think it's just my brain being silly, but in truth, I just kind of don't really get the point of any of this. Life spent o… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=17#post-272 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=17#post-272 Tue, 17 Feb 2026 06:05:00 +0000 all my tasks i'd saved for this weekend! unable to do due to being ill. last week i had a cough and i went to bed friday sweating feeling awful. i had the flu babe! and technically still do bu don't think i'm contagious anymore. the worst parts are gone. now i'm trapped in my endless cough. i've cou… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=13#post-271 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=13#post-271 Fri, 13 Feb 2026 05:29:00 +0000 here is a picture i enjoy. the original title of this entry was "fear of irreconciliable differences"  Hello I have work in a few hours but I am dying. Fortunately a 3 day weekdn is coming up- one in which I have planned 3 seperate outings with the hopes of finishing up my zine work lest I start to … [tags: tarot, anxiety] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=11#post-270 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=11#post-270 Wed, 11 Feb 2026 04:47:00 +0000 I have work in 5 hours and this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. It happens whenever I get a job and have to work. Some girls are too stupid to work is what my head tells me, but I've worked multiple jobs, so I am surely capable. I like that I cannot use my phone at work. I do not really want… [tags: life update, memories] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=6#post-269 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=6#post-269 Fri, 06 Feb 2026 00:45:00 +0000 Today I did a tarot reading for the first time in some time. I used the Celtic Cross spread because I've always liked big spreads though after this I intend to focus on small ones. I kept my notes in my app. I did not read reversals for this spread in particular because it made more sense without th… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=3#post-268 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-02&day=3#post-268 Tue, 03 Feb 2026 01:30:00 +0000 it's very hard to be vulnerable for me. i think it's probably obvious. the people i feel obligated to cut off are the people i regret being vulnerable around, but i think most people can be vulnerable normally. like, the things i view as vulnerable would be basic things for other people. online and … [tags: memories] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=26#post-267 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=26#post-267 Mon, 26 Jan 2026 16:07:00 +0000 Today I woke up to my cousin calling me to borrow my tripod. I was unsure of why only to see that everything outside is completely white. Despite having actually been in Appalachia for the past 4 winters, I have not really gotten a 'snowed in' expeirence here. Where I'm from, the snow shuts everythi… [tags: random] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=22#post-266 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=22#post-266 Thu, 22 Jan 2026 03:24:00 +0000 Good DAY!!! I got another job!!! Isn't that wonderful!! I mean, I have my summer job, but now I have one for Spring. It is unfortunately one I cannot do with my phone on me. I will be leaving it with security, but I hope to bring my sketchbook and work on other physical activities! The job pays well… [tags: life update] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=18#post-265 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=18#post-265 Sun, 18 Jan 2026 17:40:00 +0000 this entry is not about mabinogi but i just wnated to share that her outfit from the event is no longer a rental!! and belongs to mePERMANANCEE!!!! hi! i just wanted to share i've got a summer job lined up! i'll be headed up north to a part of the US i haven't been in! meals provided! housing provid… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=17#post-264 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2026-01&day=17#post-264 Sat, 17 Jan 2026 17:24:00 +0000 hello! i haven't updated in a while. the diary now falls back to the month with the last update. i was struggling with it before but now it is good and true.. i'll upload the github version when I am less tired. i'm at my granny's house watching lifetime movies. trying to edit this entry making me a… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=25#post-263 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=25#post-263 Thu, 25 Dec 2025 04:58:00 +0000 I recently have been saying 2025 was the worst year of my life. Taylor Swift lied when she made feeling 22 but I guess she's also rich and not autistic, but I realized that interpersonally and art wise, this was a pretty good year- one of my bests for personal growth even. I mean reaching end of lim… [tags: memories] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=19#post-262 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=19#post-262 Fri, 19 Dec 2025 00:10:00 +0000 Hi! I have been doing things though it is more of what I did last year. Before I left my college town, my comm had a small ILD where went to a ballet and saw the Nutcracker! Afterwards we got Hotpot which was as heavenly as the last few times. It is always well worth the wait. I have photos, as alwa… [tags: lolita] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=7#post-261 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=7#post-261 Sun, 07 Dec 2025 14:16:00 +0000 i have much to do, too much to do, to a point where i am simply staring at my tasks and going "this is not going according to plan, but i must simply plan around it. i talked about it on my zine accounts. my plan to ship zines before christmas. the contributor bach will have to go out later due to m… [tags: zines] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=5#post-260 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-12&day=5#post-260 Fri, 05 Dec 2025 20:19:00 +0000 It's the 5th of December and my deadlines creep ever closer. I haven't really felt tmotivated to write. I've surely done some things IRL lately though. I think. After my date with my girrlfriend, I hung out with Heather and things- started making plans for leaving Appalachia, and you know, I suffere… https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=20#post-259 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=20#post-259 Thu, 20 Nov 2025 09:36:00 +0000 i am better today. i think i woke up feeling terrible yesterday so i was really, erm, overdramatic because the pain was so much worse than usual smiles. but i'm okay right now! it's 8:47AM and i just took ibuprofen. today i have therapy and i see my psychiatrist, but right now~ let's talk about my w… [tags: hangouts] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=19#post-258 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=19#post-258 Wed, 19 Nov 2025 18:04:00 +0000 [tags: nonsense] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=17#post-257 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=17#post-257 Mon, 17 Nov 2025 07:12:00 +0000 More Mabinogi fun. I've been going through the quest slowly. I tried to do the chainslasher quest but it beat my ass so I'm doing astrology stuff right now (which ideal anyways. I actually have the chainslasher stuff maxed out with my girl who wears a rabit parka The Battle Astrologer is a new quest… [tags: games, mabinogi] https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=15#post-256 https://ophanimkei.com/personal/diary/?month=2025-11&day=15#post-256 Sat, 15 Nov 2025 10:11:00 +0000 i like her i am thinking about cosplaying her.. so much red i really do wish i was dead a lot of the time recently- because of burnout. i wish i could keep working at pace i used to. i wish i could've recognize pushing myself constantly because everyone around me has brains made o f sludge and they … [tags: games, mabinogi]