DATE: 09/05/2021 19:23:47
I do not think my friends like me.
It is a persistent thought. Everyone is talking to me less.. Did I do something wrong?
I am very tired.. No energy for longer post.. I just.. I want to rest for a long time I think..
Right now I am sculpting.. I'm very bad at it. I'm so tired. I always sleep but I'm still exhausted..
DATE: 09/06/2021 13:12:07
I am all alone.
I will die like this.
I am a failure and I am surprised I am still alive. I only survive because of the kindness of others. I do not deserve it.
I am tired. Apologies for two short entries. I'm too tired to think properly... I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. It hurts a lot. It hurts. It hurts. I don't remember how I finished the last art trade..
DATE: 09/09/2021 15:12:34
I think I will take a break :-)
TITLE: give up
DATE: 09/10/2021 10:30:56
i give up but my brain taunts me with dreams. i give up i give up i give up please stop trying please stop trying.
i need to sleep i need to sleep but i've slept so much... everything hurts nothing helps me feel better.
i don't know how to tell people not to call me without warning.... i'm not doing well but i don't want them to ask me about it i'm so tired.
TITLE: The World is Full of Love
DATE: 09/21/2021 01:21:35
I am feeling much better as of late.
I'm still scared often- I wake up full of fear many mornings but I'm okay. I'm really happy. I am talking to people in a healthy way. I have more hobbies. I'm working on a new website.
I'm really lethargic a lot so I'm very slow. I haven't been able to provide updates anywhere recently because of that lethargy but I am around! I'm okay :D I'm happy.
I am talking to someone I've been fond of for a long time. It's fun! They're really nice. I like her interests a lot and I am constantly learning new things from her. She even likes mine! I like to share my interest and I like to learn about others. It is part of the human experience.
I'm trying to view myself as a person rather than a freak of nature, and it's been making me feel better. Healing is possible. I am working on personal things.. I'm trying to view art as a hobby rather than my entire existence. I'm picking up other hobbies- working on a personal website too. I'm feeling good.
I have also been taking lexapro which is probably helping. Meds work
The world is very bright. There are many things to look at and love. There are people everywhere and even if you are alone, you have the potential to meet someone. The world is bright. I'm drawing again- slowly but surely. I'm applying for a job tomorrow and they already told me they'd hire me in advance. Some of my stuff comes in the mail today. The mushrooms are growing. I am going to the fair later this week. The world is full of love.
TITLE: i am not in my right mind today
DATE: 09/26/2021 09:09:05
i'm just a clown.
today i am angry over someone i don't talk to anymore. i hate him. i hate him a lot. i've dealt with much worse people but for some reason- i get very angry at this person in particular. i rarely ever want to actively get revenge against people but knowing him makes me feel so rabid.
i will never be perfect. i am imperfect. i will never be perfect.
it is okay to feel rage but i hate when it consumes me. sometimes i'm petty. sometimes i am consumed by envy and bitterness. i just want to kill. i hate him. i hate him. i hate everyone involved with him. i hope someone does onto him as he has done onto me. i hope he feels regret. i hope he learns. he never will. his brain is made of worms and centipedes that have long since died.
why are so many sally face fans like this..? i want to play it but i associate it with him and him and him and him and so many others. i'm so tired. i don't want to feel rage anymore. i just want to eat salty foods and get a job. i don't want to feel pain.
today i'm feeling very bad physically and mentally. it's a struggle. i am not hiding it very well today. apologies for poor grammar and complete lack of capitalization. i am full of rage. i have been in pain all day. i wish i was working. the job application links are broken. i'm anxious for no reason. sometimes you have to complain a lot and be very angry.
maybe i am not angry about that loser. maybe i'm angry about things not going my way in general lately but it is aimed at him to avoid thinking about things that actually matter because he does not matter at all really. he is another pathetic loser stuck in fandom despite being an adult- someone who has many plans but never does anything because he is constantly complaining about the things he has to do and the people who have hurt him in his dumb fandom discourse. he does not matter. the things i am avoiding thinking about are what really matter- not a 26 year old sally face fan.
sorry about that.
TITLE: There Is Only Grass and Trees
DATE: 09/29/2021 09:02:15
I can't handle being avoided when I'm sad. It makes me really mad. It makes me start splitting. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't.
I split myself into pieces so that I can be handled. I still can't get help. I won't get help for a long time if I stay here. It's almost October. I haven't been vaccinated. I don't have a job. I keep splitting. I keep splitting. I keep splitting.
I can't keep track of how my actions affect other people. I keep splitting. I can't just not cry. I can't keep isolating myself because my emotions are too much for others to handle. I don't know. Nowhere is home. There is only grass and trees. Nowhere is home. There is only grass and trees.
I have to go home but I can't explain. I have to go home but i can't explain. There is no home. There is money. There are bricks. But beyond it all there is grass and trees- the harsh winter and burning summer suns- the screaming cicadas in the afternoons. I can't hold myself together anymore. I'm splitting into pieces. I don't want to scream at anyone. There is only grass and trees.
I am at my limit. I am at my limit. There is only grass and trees. I feel like I am going to pass out. You made me cry but I don't think you care. There is only grass and trees. I think the ocean is 70% water. There are over 3 trillion fish in the ocean but there are 8 billion humans. Overpopulation doesn't exist but capitalism does.
There is only grass and trees. I want to bleed on the concrete. I want my heart to be removed from my chest.
There is only grass and trees. No one will ever take care of you.
There are only grass and trees. There are the trees of Mount Everest, the mountains of Washington and Japan, the dark woods of Tennessee, the cold winters of Siberia. There.. are only grass and trees.
Why was I born? I only hurt people. Why was I born?
DATE: 09/29/2021 09:06:52
I just want this all to end.