i released a new game! yippie. i think it's okay. i could do better i if wasn't dying. i wrote about it in the afterword, basically describing the feeling of 'never getting there' but also accepting it by the end. sometimes the jams are like that.

i've been getting through commissions quickly again, now that the semester is basically over. i failed many classes for the first time in my life though it's kind of nice being a failure lol, probably from years of my mom going "you don't work hard enough" then being pushed into that weird fever dream job. i worked full time, i was sick, i failed. life goes on. it is painful of course, but constantly pushing myself to the limit without much support was bad. lol.

i mean does it feel like i've wasted the last four years and i'll never recover from this. yes.. but did i view some kind of pain from doing this as inevitable.. also yes.

i'm going to do one final push though. i do technically have some final projects due. i'll turn them in- see if it gets me in the passing sector of some of my classes. it's better than retaking them even if i barely do well. i feel embarrassed trying at all, but there's only me to disappoint

While i wasn't happy with my own work for daydrinking jam. I am excited to read others, particularly My Fairy Drunkmother and I WANNA [_____] A CORPORATE ARCHDEMONESS. Frequently I try to binge read things from jams but tend to burn myself out so I'm going to go really slowly. There's other things in te jam that have cauhgt  my interest, but these are just on my mind. I like My Fairy Drunkmother's dev other work a lot even if it was unfinished. They made it for Kail and I's Robotic Romance Jam.

Am I talking about anything..?

Um, birth control. I've been averse to birth control for a long time for various reasons (medication side effects and certain feminist beliefs), however, my PCP is worried I have endometriosis due to certain physical symptoms I have during my period that are not normal. I also do PMS pretty bad but I was kind of used to being insane.

While I've had none of the bad side effects, my first period did send me to the anemia and irritability dungeon. I left every Discord server not realizing my BC was probably making my misanthropy much worse. And of course, period made me more tired which made it easier to isolate. I just feel mad at everybody. It feels quite bad. It's something I try not to do. Angsty teen behavior..

I was so irritated I couldn't draw for a few days. I spiralled down thinking I'd never draw again only to draw just 2 or 3 days later. I'd like for this all to be under control but I know I need to be patient... When I'm out and about, I don't feel terrible usually.. If I'm with someone I enjoy being with. Alone I just want to go home. I feel small.

On the bright side, I do appear to be recovering from my very long depressive episode I think.. Usually I can tell I'm recovering by how much I'm goingn out but lately I'm staying in mostly due to finances. Despite the financial things, I feel.. okay.., I'm always anxious but at times, I reach some state of contentedness. It is admittedly hard to tell because of the irritation but.. Finishing commissions, playing Tomodochi life, devving, etc. Maybe things will be okay.

I need to nap now but I wanted to write.. Trying to log thoughts again.