I DID NOT DETRANSITION

(text-style:"condense","outline")[<h1>I DID NOT DETRANSITION</h1>] [<h2>(text-style:"blur","condense")[is this what its like being in your early 20s?]</h2> <sub>You can click the button below or click enter to proceed.</sub> [[>>|1]]]

I think I feel the pain of my ancestors in my blood sometimes. And my childhood self sits in a glass cage, staring at me intensely from behind the bars. Do you still ache? Will you stop aching when I write enough Black girls? I love princesses now. But you didn't want to be a princess, did you? [[>>|2]] (print: '<script>if(window.bgMusic.paused) { window.bgMusic.play(); }</script>')

You just wanted to be edgy, (text-style:"italic")["I'M A TOMBOY!"] You are the fastest girl in your grade. And (text-style:"underline")[everyone knows what kind of you are]. Everyone knows what a tomboy is. [[>>|3]]

(text-style:"blur", "underline")[Unfortunately, you are not a tomboy. You are a Black girl.] [[>>|4]]

You will run as fast as you can. You will be an extremely athletic girl. (text-style:"double-strike")[The boys will know you outpace them!!] This is your duty! RUN! The memory is blurry. There were just a few of us left. I was the last girl.(text-style:"underline")[ This was a source of pride!] It didn't matter though. [[>>|6]]

(text-style:"outline")[<h2>“Africans run faster.”</h2>] [[>>|7]]

"I am not an African. I am just a girl! I'm a girl like you." It doesn't matter though. No matter what scientific study you show.. It will always be.. You did better cause Africans run faster! You will hear variations of this for the rest of your life. [[>>|8]]

You’ve got 4 things on your mind as puberty hits: being excellent in academia, the mechanics of sex, buying cool tshirts, creating art, and how to go about obtaining extremely bizarre pornography. You don't know why but you've always liked the bizarre! Of course, it'd apply to sex as you aged even if it's annoying. You like yuri too though it is not as bizarre as you'd like much of the time (or it's bizarre and simply uninteresting). [[>>|9]]

So much yuri only acknowledge girls as a species. They don't really explore the intricacies of lesbianism as often as you'd like, but well, it's nice to see girls. You're like them.. sort of? I mean.. you know you’re a lesbian~~, even if you mainly watch straight porn.~~ After all, girls have cocks too and well, lesbian porn is just a bit boring. Really, all porn is, but lesbian porn is the most dull. You don’t know why (text-style:"blurrier")[(HINT HINT: it’s not made for you.)] [[>>|10]]

Yaoi is pretty fun too. (YAOI!) A genre full of even more bizarre forms of pornography. You don’t know how you feel, but you aren’t making bad decisions. Your parents warn you about boys. You don’t really care. (text-style:"italic")[You’re too busy watching gay anime boys have sex.] Obviously, you're bisexual.. cause you like yaoi.. but well... [[>>|11]]

people don't look like anime. but even then... like.. //i can't fuck an anime boy.// //cause anime boys are just drawings// kind of a no brainer really. you're a lesbian. yaoi is pretty cool! but yaoi boys aren't real. [[>>|12]]

STILL AMBIGUITY IS WHAT I THINK I ASPIRE FOR IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE.(text-style:"blurrier")[(EVERYONE IRL SEES ME AS A GIRL BUT I DON’T HAVE TO SAY IT EVEN WITH MY BINDER ON!)] Reading all these things about nonbinaryness really feels good!!(text-style:"blurrier")[(SOMETIMES EVEN OTHER QUEER PEOPLE SEE ME AS NONBINARY EVEN AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT!)] Bisexuality and genderlessness is the coup de foudre!!!!! (text-style:"blurrier")[(BUT REALLY I LOVE WOMEN.. BUT AM I EVEN A WOMAN!!)] I’m just me! I am nothing. (text-style:"blurrier")[(EVERYONE CAN SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE)] Discourse online requires putting your race/gender in your biography but no one will ever know. (text-style:"blurrier")[(EVERYONE ASSUMES I’M WHITE UNLESS THEY LOOK AT MY ART. AFTER ALL, IT REQUIRES EFFORT AND I KNOW THINGS ARE HARD FOR OTHERS TO UNDERSTAND.] [[>>|13]]

On a hot summer’s day, I wear cute outfits made of various frills. My hair is out in various curls. I am true femme-maxxing. '' “You look so handsome!” “Do you think you could be a top in our relationship?” “Being masc really suits you!” '' [[>>|14]]

<h2>(text-style:"outline")[I think I don’t want to post pictures online anymore.]</h2> [[>>|15]]

People they/them you again. People she/her you again. Your LGBT friends are extremely diverse, so you get microaggressed way less. It feels good. You just need to get rid of that silly little name.. Being defaulted to being seen as a male in non-LGBT spaces is really becoming a pain. Gender is how you are perceived but if I chose to identify as nothing, then I will be perceived in a way that makes sense to everyone! [[>>|16]]

Finding a name you like is hard but something FEMININE IN NATURE is nice since IRL I am perceived as a woman anyways. Now I’m neutral in queer spaces and feminine in non-queer spaces. ~~<h2>(text-style:"blurrier")[I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE MASCULINIZED AGAIN)]</h2> ~~ [[>>|17]]

The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal bodeboop. A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound. ding Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready!… Start. (text-style:"italic")[ding]. [[>>|5]]

No one knows what I look like. No one knows I’m Black untiI say it. Balance is restored, even if I have to be a bit uncomfortable. //Even if weebs are too comfortable saying nigger around me. Even if my ethnicity to queers who see it is a stupid n-word pass joke. Everything.. is restored. // [[>>|18]]

I still miss the name Isaac. I think of you always. Labels don’t really work when you have a lot going on. Lesbian is easy. It's just a way to describe my attraction to women. I connect with the experiences of women. So I'm a lesbian. (text-style:"blur")[(I really wish I didn't like anyone though.)] [[>>|19]]

There are no lesbian clubs in this place, though there are gay ones. Though.. lesbians. aren't real. //and turns out really everyone wishes for wlw to be bisexual.// ''you're always a unicorn to the right man. '' i mean. i'm not a unicorn. but it doesn't stop it. [[>>|20]]

I learned something new about how the perceptions of Black women and lesbians affect everyone else. You don’t need to identify as anything, other than lesbian. It’s no one’s business. [[>>|21]]

"Do you support trans people?" (text-style:"blur") ["Are you a TERF?"] "Do you like trans women?" (text-style:"blur") ["What kind of lesbian are you?"] "Do you like trans men?" (text-style:"blur") ["I think trans men are men so generally no."] [[>>|22]]

You can try as hard as you can to articulate your beliefs. You can be kind to others. You can avoid doing things you view as shallow. (text-style:"blur")[(Doesn't really matter though). ] (text-style:"blurrier")[If your existence isn't easily digestible, it's no longer yours to mold.] [[>>|23]]

<h2>(text-style:"outline")[I've always hated brown stripes on pride flags.]</h2> [[>>|24]]

I'm just a lesbian. Ambiguity is so beautiful in a world that rips everything from you. People will always assume I'm a woman, but I've lived my whole life as Black woman. You technically aren't wrong. Many of my experiences are definitely solely parts of (text-style:"wavy-underline")[misogynoir.] People love to talk about that while saying how aggressive you are. Not that their opinion matters. It's not like they will ever understood the topics they love to put in their bios. (text-style:"italic","blurrier")[That BLM blinkie makes me feel sooo safe.] The lovely ambiguity still brings satisfaction, but it will now come to an end. Even online, people make assumptions about you. (text-style:"blur")[(text-style:"italic","strike")[EVEN IF IT'S NO ONE'S BUSINESS. ]] [[>>|25]]

You gotta tell us how you feel! Because you are a girl(text-style:"blur")[ (and we know).] We like you because you are a girl(text-style:"blur")[ (we can tell).] We know you’re ambiguous because you’re just a girl who doesn’t care (text-style:"blur")[(after all).] Everyone says you are a girl(text-style:"blur")[ (they aren’t wrong).] We can’t tell how you feel about trans people (text-style:"blur")[(i'm very open about it) ] Everyone thinks you’re transphobic (text-style:"blur")[(what makes me come off that way?) ] Black women should be transphobic. (text-style:"blur")[(i don't think i should be anything) ] Can you prove to us that you're a good lesbian?(text-style:"blur")[(i'm just a girl who likes girls.)] [[>>|26]]

(text-style:"outline")[<h1>placate.</h1>] [[>>|27]]

“I can’t understand why you are anxious about your race.” (text-style:"blur")[(Sorry for sharing).] “I think I just can’t understand you because of your mental illness.” (text-style:"blur")[(Sorry for being like this)] “We miss you back home.” (text-style:"blur")[(Sorry I had to leave)] [[>>|28]]

“You’re so pretty. Is it weird I like that you're Black too?” (text-style:"blur")[(I'm obviously a Black woman. Shouldn't you?)] “I think the South is backwater and you should leave.” (text-style:"blur")[(There’s not many people who understand me where you’re from, including you but I love you anyways)] "It's cowardly to not transition." (text-style:"blur")[(There's nothing for people like me at the top of the hill)] [[>>|29]]

“I used to have a crush on you” (text-style:"blur")[(Did you want me to top too?)] “I decided to put your thoughts on my blog but kept you anonymous” (text-style:"blur")[(I guess it’s a good thing you’re speaking for me even though you turned out to be a white woman pretending to be a person of color)] “Not everything is about race.” (text-style:"blur")[(I didn't want it to be like this)] [[>>|30]]

There are cicadas in the summer. They make nice clicking noises. I wear a simple t-shirt to stay comfortable when I walk my puppy. It obscures the shape of my body. Tomorrow I'll wear a really lovely dress that doesn't obscure my shape at all. Then I'll wear a binder with another kind of dress on a day where its not too hot. I know I will never have top surgery and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter to anyone but myself. I scroll through dating apps. I am unknowable. Everyone's made that clear. This is just time to kill. I’m a girl. They ask for pronouns now. She/her is fine. I really don't know how much I care. I am so tired. [[>>|31]]

My friends of color and I bond over whiteness in every space; it feels good to be a person of color. I talk to sapphics about men being in every space; it feels good to be a lesbian. I hang out with lots of girls and talk about womanhood; it feels good to be a girl. I talk to nonbinary friends about gender ambiguity; it feels good to identify as nothing. I talk to queer psychotics about the general confusion regarding what are common societal concepts; it feels good to be confused. I talk to Black people about the Diaspora, which makes existing in so many spaces extremely painful. It hurts. But it feels so good to be Black. [[>>|32]]

The otherness never goes away in every space, but that’s fine. There are misunderstandings. But it's important to just be okay. It's not like anyone will care. Only my close friends need to understand. I can’t remember what gender I chose for my mii in Tomodachi life, but it feels good not to remember. I love you, Mala. I'll understand you more everyday. [[>>|33]]

(text-style:"outline")[<h1>even if no one else ever does.</h1>]