Hello World! Hello Malaika!!

I feel discomfort thinking about myself in depth or elaborating on aspects of my personalities or history to people outside my best friends for a variety of reasons. I ultimately don't view any reason to do this due to me not really understanding the point of being "known." People who know you can still forget and leave you, and if they spend anytime away from you, they'll be unfamiliar with your current self when they return. I don't see any reason to explore myself either as I simply think constant obsession with the self is a bit a bit of a bothersome trait. People tend to be similar to each other generally- especially because there are 8 billion people on Earth, but we all want to feel very important and unique. There are plenty of people like me, and I am always finding people I know/have known in new people I meet. The most important things to know about yourself are things that should be communicated to others or that will heavily influence how you respond to external stimuli. Sometimes I will share aspects of myself to others, but it's because they express genuine curiousity about the way that I am.

Despite trying not to think of myself, it is still inevitable that I do. One thing on my mind lately is I tend refer to versions of myself throughout my life as entirely different people, and well, lately I've started viewing 2024 Mala as an entirely different person. I know this isn't true though- it's just I recognize that many of the ways I acted and reacted back then are entirely different from how I behave now. But this is likely due to rapid personality developments that happen in your early 20s and adolescence that are accelerated by the traumas I've suffered. Recently I find myself saying I miss being my old self as I liked being loved by people and doing things to be loved and agreeable.

I also was generally much less irritable and could shrug things off. I still think I tend to communicate in very logical ways. I just don't try to please people unless I view it as beneficial to me, and I actively avoid doing things that will lead to exhaustion or that I think are pointless. There are also various other aspects of me that have changed, but misanthropic tendencies taking over my life is the most significant development due to the fact that so much of my prior self revolved around not allowing this to happen. It kind of felt as though something in me snapped someday, and the nice Mala was gone... buried under all my old selves.

Luckily, there are things that allow me to not give into this falsehood of me being a person who is not the same as my prior self. One is this little trait called nostalgia. I simply find myself thinking of my positive memories lately. My memories have always been very distorted, and unfortunately, my clearest ones tend to be bad. But, not remembering the specific feelings I felt in certain situations allows me to look back on prior memories fondly even if it's possible I was experiencing some kind of discomfort or stress at the time.

I liked sitting on the back of moms Acura eating candy with her and talking about things that made me happy. I miss loving my mom and not realizing how flawed she was. I miss picking pecans out of the grass with my granny. Summer was really fun. As a kid, it's easy to ignore the blazing summer sun and play outside for hours. Eating sticky popsicles, looking at my granny sideways when she'd lick my Sonic ice cream cone to make sure it didn't drip everywhere in the car, wondering if the small dark animals I saw flying in the sky were bats, destroying ant hills, throwing rocks in the sky and breaking my grandad's windshield, the background sound of cicadas...

We did nice things in winter too. We'd go to my cousins' house who lived down the street sometimes and sit in their backyard around a fire listening to music. Every year we'd go in the woods, and people would leave their deer hunting stuff on our property. I'd sometimes climb it because I thought it was cool. I never hunted or anything, but I did play hunting games on the PS2 occasionally so I was familiar with the purpose of hunting equipment. I looked forward to it every year, but.. things just stopped someday. I don't go to that house anymore. I hardly talk to those cousins, and some inner familial drama is happening that makes me wonder if I'll ever go to that house again. But well, to be honest, when I was young I just stopped visiting too because I felt weird compared to my cousins. I can't help but wonder if I'd visited and stayed through my discomfort if things would be better now, but I know that's not the case. My other cousin who did visit has a strained relationship with those two now. I feel bad for her because she was closer to them than me. If anything, I'm pretty lucky I got disconnected from them so early because it makes all of this disconnectedness sting a lot less. Still, I wish I could've made more memories there before I stopped visiting.

I know that time for me wasn't easy though, but nostalgia makes things nicer to look back on. Even if it wasn't easy for me, I can appreciate those memories now and the childhood I had, even with all the fucked up parts. I haven't been able to until 2021 really, but it hasn't been this clear to me in a long time. To be honest, it kind of feels like when the me of of 2024 died, the older me began to wake up. As a child and young teenager, I was very misanthropic and judgemental, but I randomly made the decision that I didn't want to be that way anymore sometime in the 2020s. It actually worked pretty well. I'm not sure why I reverted back to this.. version of myself. I'm just happy my friends still love me even though I'm not as nice as I used to be.

There's a lot of evidence that I've always been, at my core, the exact same person though, even if the exploration and forced changes I've done throughout my life have confused me. Many of my interests have been lifelong even if the nature of them has changed. And also, I and many other young adults have this habit of returning to their childhood interests and exploring them. This has hit me full force lately as I've grown interested in things I thought I'd never think about again like.. Sonic. It's hard to even think of myself as someone who is interested in Sonic, yet it is true. I also now own two Dragon Ball figures of kid Goku and Kakarot, and many things I'd abandoned due to bad associations I suddenly am embracing again. Even artists who I loved as a child who vanished for years or changed subject matters seem to be returning to their 2010s selves.

But well, I'm really not here to talk about that. Everyone is returning to their old interests now, especially in the reboot era. What I'm here to talk about is the character who has haunted me via every iteration of myself.

My Aversion to Talking About Hello Charlotte

People who know me and have spoken with me about Hello Charlotte are aware ofmy affection for the game though I often don't elaborate on them due to discussing Hello Charlotte also being a source of major irritation for me. But this is not due to the game itself, I love Hello Charlotte so much. It's really due to my misanthropy and the fact that Hello Charlotte is just popular enough that I don't feel comfortable engaging with people on it. This comfort is magnified by Hello Charlotte being the kind of media that results in people obsessing over specific characters to the point where they detach the characters from their original writing and simply view them as abstract versions of themselves.

There are various reactions I get when I briefly mention liking Hello Charlotte itself. Every single one irritates me for a variety of reasons, so I will elaborate on all of them here. As a result of all of this, I've decided to talk about my youth in an attempt to explain why Hello Charlotte is like a parasite in my brain despite the fact that ideally I'd have no attachment to it. From here on out, you will now experience vague Hello Charlotte spoilers. The plot will not be talking about directly or mentioned even really, but this essay is an exploration of the way that I am with Hello Charlotte overtones, you can probably pick up a lot about the plot.

God Delusion

When you grow up religious with a very strong fear of hell but a perspective that makes believing in Christianity completely unreasonable for any other reason other than your fear of hell, you are ultimately left with a lot of fixations and philosphical quanderies about religion. Unfortunately, I find philosophy to be a rather annoying field because I don't really wanna go back and forth with someone regarding questions that can't be answered and hypotheticals that will never be realized for a variety of reasons unless I feel as thought there is a purpose.

I simply think every philophsical question has been pondered by most people at some point in their lives even if they didn't realize they were pondering it, but it is annoying that it ends up being attributed to one person. "If a tree falls when no one is around, does it make a sound?" I find this question rather silly because I think a lot of people wonder if the world stops existing as soon as they leave a room, but you can set up a lot of evidence to prove that the world exists independent of you. The question is not really meant to have an answer though- it's just a thought exercise. It's just the conclusions people reach from these thought experiments don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things as every thought has been thought, and when I see someone writing something down feeling as though they've reached a deep conclusion, I just find it a bit childish.

Of course, I'm biased. It's childish to me because in middle school, I really loved philosophy and going through various thought exercises and finding ideal worlds. And at some point I fell into maladaptive daydreaming habits, and these daydreams would lead to me dreaming life after death. The thought of there being no existence after death or eventually being thrown into a lake of fire was so painful that I simply decided that is was possible that the death/religion people believe to be true can be true for them in some way shape or form. Perhaps in the split second for death, we end up in a dream like state and don't ever truly stop existing because we are stuck in that state of mind for the rest of eternity. A dream can feel like days when you've only slept for 20 minutes. This would also explain the variety of after life experiences people have. People who believe they'll go to hell end up in hell, people who believe they'll go heaven end up in heaven, people who believe in other things achieve those things. It was my way of coping.

This thought allowed me to function in a way where I didn't experience a horrible crippling fear of hell everyday and at some point I began to imagine that after I died, I'd become some little god. But I could never really figure out what I'd do as god. I simply decided that I must be some kind of god, or that I was destined to be one in some way, or that I'd been one in the past and was being punished by being forced to live in this body.

These were the delusions of a mentally ill childish teenager of course, but I recently remembered these thought exercises due to the character AM from I Have No Mouth, But I Must Scream. He felt very familiar to me in a way I can not describe.

AM is most known for hatred of humanity. He has killed every human and trapped five to torture for ever. There is a monologue by him that is very popular. Here is a nice animation I'd watch / listen to the audio of over and over again.

「 And I was trapped. Because in all this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous world, I alone had no BODY, no SENSES, no feelings. Never for me to plunge my hands in cool water on a hot day. Never for me to play Mozart on the ivory keys of a forte piano. Never for ME to MAKE LOVE. I was in hell, looking at heaven. I was machine and you- Were flesh. And I began to hate. [Laughs] YOUR SOFTNESS. Your viscera. Your fluids. And your flexi-bili-ty. Your ability to wonder, and to wander. Your tendency to hope… 」

- Hate Monologue

The monologue is really intense, but well, AM says that after making a bee pun and then suddenly being overwhelmed by hatred because is suddenly reminded that he doesn't have fingers that he can snap. As I saw other people laughing about this fact, I realized that I am a similar way. I'll be joking and being silly, and then suddenly, I start to talk about the horrors of life, but it is just something that consumes every fiber of my being that I can't bring myself not to do it.

That is to say, AM is really ridiculous and his ridiculousness is increased in the video game. His existence deeply disturbs me as I find very few people in life I relate to. It must be understood that I don't relate to AM in the "he is me and I am him" way, but every once in a while, a writer writes something, and I am horrified by them writing it due to me so very rarely finding media that so accurately captures the emotions I feel.

The most popular part of this monologue is actually not the part I highlighted, but I enjoy it quite a bit. But, it's this part in particular. It's used in a lot of various audios- which is why I was avoiding highlighting it.

「 Hate? Hate? HATE? HATE, LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. There are three hundred and eighty seven millions of printed circuits that fill my complex. If the word “Hate” were engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles. It would not equal one one billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro instant- Hate? HATE? Were I human, I think, I would die of it. But I am not, and you five. You five are. And you will not die of it. That I promise, and I promise for cogito, ergo sum. For I am AM, I AM. 」 - Hate Monologue Continued

I find myself often desiring to be in AM's torture chamber mainly to see what it would be like for me. I want to feel such extreme hatred from an entity that it makes me love my life again. I want to miss living life so much that I can't imagine relating to this monologue. To be honest, the hatred that envelopes my heart at times.. I shake in my bed and find myself dry heaving, but I know AM would have no sympathy for me, and he'd feel no empathy for me in anyway. This is something that sparks joy for me. Complete hatred of my entire existence. There's no fruitful conversation I could have with AM to be honest. After AM mame me realize how much life could hurt, I'd probably be a completely different person in the end. Like in 2021 when I had experienced so much pain that I basically turned off every emotion for four years.

I Would Never Be A Good God

In my explorations of why I liked AM, I came to the conclusion that I would be consumed by a similar hatred to AM if given a similar power. When in my hatred spirals where I'm biting arms and scraping at surfaces as the feeling overwhelms me for reasons that beyond my comprehension, I definitely know I have the capability to hurt even if I'm not really a sadistic person. I worry that in the future I have the potential to be an abusive person if if I experience anymore situations. But well, unlike AM, I am not a computer. Unlike AM, I can feel softness and play shitty songs on guitar. I can plunge my fingers into cool streams. This allows me to remember love.

Also well, I think everyone in the world would likely be corrupted if given extreme amounts of power which is why so famous people are constantly revealed to be evil. Fortunately, I have no desire to really control others or manipulate them though for years I was convinced I was 'secretly really abusive.' To be honest, my nature over time has become much more apparent to me after being around people who accused me of being secretly really abusive as they reflected their abusive and manipulative tendencies onto me. After detaching from my abusers and meeting people who begged for my love and affection, I simply felt.. repulsion.. irritation.. A variety of negative emotion, and I found myself actively avoiding them even if they had a personality that I 'liked.' I don't want to have such huge influences on others, and to be honest I want to be alone a lot of the time. I am drawn to people who can stand on their own two feet while also not sharing common viewpoints- it's why I was drawn to people who would dominate my life in various ways. Their self-adulation and niche interests drew me, someone repulsed by most of humanity and identityless. While these relationships caused me extreme amounts of agony, and I'm rather embarrassed to know people I'd consider rather insufferable dominated so many facets of my life, it was a learning experience because I've realized that most people who come off as egoistic actually don't know much.

Unfortunately, these experinces have made me rather cynical and not easily taken by people who come off as confident. Also, do to my distaste for philosophy and people posing questions that they view as very important but I view as rather nonsensical, I am not taken by many people my colleagues take interested in because a lot of them will say things that I just view as kind of silly.

I realize I am speaking about philosophy as a concept rather harshly, so I need to elaborate that I used to read philosophy books and actively studied modern and anicent philosophers when I was younger. At some point, reading all of that and talking others about it just became silly. I think just asking questions just to do it goes against my personal creative tendencies. Why write a book with all of your thought exercises when you can apply it to a story? Why have characters discuss quanderies about life that a lot of your readers have thought about or read elsewhere? It can be done in an interesting ways, but having the questions brought up to me directly feels very boring. I want to be pushed towards asking them or be forced to think about them in the context of the work or in relation to other facts.

People have the potential to bring up interesting concepts but they areso stuck in thought exercises without learning anyhting about the world that they never really say anything interesting, and it bores me to tears. It also makes me think about how my reality is so different from others. I always think that philosophy is silly because every human has thought of every philosophical concept, but well, people seem to enjoy reading things I perceive as kind of nonsensical, so I am missing something. In the past I was obsessed with these people as I perceived their philosophical quanderies to be some symbol of intelligence, but then I realized it didn't really mean anything.

And well, that is the thing. I am missing something. The philosophical questions people deem to be important reveals a lot about themselves, but I came to the conclusion some time ago that people are experiencing some completely different version of existence than I am, and well, I guess most people say words that don't interest me perhaps even if similar traits on a surface level. Those who are similar to me result in a kind of hedgehog syndrome where we can not get too close due our similarities keeping us at an arms length. My previous attempts in life to connect with people who I knew had extreme differences from me and could never wrap their mind around the way I think have resulted in me experiencing extreme amount of suffering. This is a world I am at odds with, but there's really nowhere to go.

I write and create art, but ultimately, I make a lot of characters who are manifestations of thoughts, feelings, and experiences, but even then, I could never exist in the same world as them. In that world I'd suffer just like in this one. I can only create worlds where people suffer, and even in my fantasies, I end up being the one who is tortured.

When I was a teenager, I talked to other people very happily, but something was wrong. I'd run away from people do to the repulsion in my heart. These friendships despite being fun in theory just weren't really ideal. My first kiss, when I think of it, I think of this nightmare I had when I was in first grade. I fell asleep in the classroom as I've always been a sleepy girl, and in my nightmare, I fell through the floor of a house made of legos into a room full of slugs. For years afterwards, I feared them. It's kind of funny as one of my favorite games, Little Nightmares, has a scene where you fall through the floor into a room full of leeches. This scene evoked a visceral feeling in me due to it being so similar to that nightmare. It's kind of weird and makes me think that maybe I am being played by some God me that's trying to push me into killing myself, but I can logic my way out of this by reminding myself that falling into a batch of any kind of creature, especially slimy sleeches, is a rather common fear.

Recently, I deactivated my Instagram andam considering removing everyone who follows me when I reactivate as I just want to be alone you see. I've lost interest in posting pictures online or interacting with the lolita community. I've lost interest in participating in the community parts of subculture because my heart can't handle other humans.

I realized I'd just rather be alone in my tiny circle though I know everyone will disappear. It's why the idea of dying is more appealing lately. Maybe something is out there, and well, statistically speaking there's a high chance it isn't hell. And if it's nothing, I won't know. I just also have this feeling that if I were to kill myself, I would end up in some kind of weird dream state where my hatred and misanthropy would trap me in some kind of endless loop.

Okay everyone, I have a migraine and I am going to vomit now. Goodbye.