success? successs..
i am happier i think. i don’t think i deserve any recognition- especially when compared to others.
it’s kind of really complicated. i don’t think there’s like.. people who really
care about my thoughts or artwork or stories outside of my close friends.
i’ve had people tell me that basically no one really looks at my writings and
having it told to me so plainly has established how unimportant i am in the
grand scheme of things. it’s why I kind of gave up on my rss feed and don’t
really take anything seriously nowadays. no one’s really looking. no one gives
a shit about me. one day ophanimkei will seaze to exist. it will be as meaningless
as a lone flower dying on a hot summer's day.
outside of my artwork and stories, there are projects that ask for contributions from
members of communities to make beautiful things (zines, jams, webrings, cliques etc).
i’m very happy about all of this. i am ultimately unimportant in these projects.
i just come up with the idea and other creators make them successful. i am always
happy to bring people together to make beautiful things. there’s just a balance of
happiness and anxiety and fatigue. i sometimes (often) overextend myself with these community projects, and
the happiness that comes from them is kind of absent until the project is completed and I can see everyone’s
contributions. These projects often take months to come to fruition
so it can be a dark time but ultimately it makes me happy.
but i don't know. i'm really tired.
i started withdrawing for the first time in years..
leaving many spaces.. hiding away.. i feel like the me
i've put so much energy into maintaining is dying.
something ugly is escaping.
9.17.22
----
i cant stop crying.
my life i sreally good.
im just a spoiled brat you know?
i really am the lowest of the low? i am the lowest of the low?
i am the lowest of the low.
my life is really good yet im always so sad
my life is really good yet i ran away
my life is really good yet i lose everyone
my life is really good yet im still sick
can someone hear me can anyone hear me can anyone hear me can anyone hear me can anyone hear me
no one can hear me
well
everyone can hear me
but no one can help me
im just meant to die
it would be so nice
to go to the top of mount everest.
i'd go in nameless poem. or get a nameless poem replica made of cotton.
my hair would be in long braids.
i'd take off my protective gear at the very top and then lie in the snow
i'd take sleeping pills and freeze to death
such a beautiful way to die.
it is my dream.
i have to remind myself not to die.
because if i die,
shouldn't it be somewhere beautiful?
where i can remain eternal?
7.11.24
----
my mom says i should use better help. i told her i dont like betterhelp. she told me to stop listening to the internet so much.
i ilt4ugkhvjhogmipotrgrbk;vjvnfgdnhdtvrk;l po
i just i just i just want an actual therapist but im too much for every therapist
i cant believe my mom is a pyschiatric nurse practioner and she helps her patients more than she helps me
she asked if i wanted to see someone at her office while knowing that was no longe ran option ebcause i started working there
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
IT MAKES ME SO BITTER
IT MAKES ME SO BITTER.
I just. want someone to help me.
but therapy for someone like me is useless anyways.
7.11.24
----
it's important to me that i finish ommatophilia. i've been working on it for so long
if i finish it, then a childhood dream will come true
but will anyone even play it lol
i mean does that matter
it just matters if i play it and if zed plays it.
and my other wonderful friends
i love my wonderful friends.
i think theyre going to all leave me soon
because everyone leaves me all the time
everyone is gone.
they all leave. everyone. i could name them by name. e. m. z. e. s. b. t. a. a. a.
though when i started naming people
i realized a lot of it was my fault
i guess i do a lot of leaving too.
i i think im going to take clonazapem.
because if i dont. ill keep coming back to this page
and write over and over and over
and voer and over and over
and over and over and over
and over and over and over
i wish i wish i wsih i iwsh someone would love me
but lots of people love me now
but i ruined it
everyoen will be gone soon
is hould die before it happens
people recognize me a lot lately
what wil they do when they find out my soul is black
7.11.24
----
i've really become a really awful person. i want to disappear i think. i'm not sure. i've been so lethargic.
i dont want to update my website. i dont want to work on my game.
i have projects coming soon, and while i do love them, i almost feel shackled down by them.
i can't do anything drastic because i'll disappoint everyone around me.
there's nothing lovely here. it feels like every single beautiful flower rots immediately.
or perhaps they're made of plastic? the world has lost its color again. its lost its color.
i cant stop falling asleep at work. my mom tells me how embarrassing i am. i am embarrassing.
am a horrible child. adult i mean. i deserve worst than death. i cant stop crying.
i started reading a visual novel called sutekina kanojo no tsukurikata.
i think i managed to avoid the bad ends for a while, but then bad things started happening.
i started thinking about how i was when i was younger. what i'm like without meds. i'm always lonely.
im always miserable.i have horrible impulses. i think im a good person, but lately i find myself acting on these impulses more often.
stupid stupid stupid. at my core i am completely evil. everyone thinks i am so kind, but really my halo is just a headband.
i want to go home but there is no home. i want ot be safe but i'll never be safe.
theres no future for me in this horrible world. i should die i should die.
i should be crucified.
its been so hard to write lately. i read so many things. i have so many experiences. b
ut im so tired. everything is too much work.
can someone tell me how awful i am already so i can finally go into a garage and turn on the engine.
i would take melatonin and fall asleep.. i know where it owuld be.
it'd be so nice. get me out of here. im not even suicidal i think. i dont know why im like this. i dont know.
my birthday is soon.
7.11.24