i really enjoy reading fiction. i find the progression ofthe hcaracters to be relaxing.
even if they are miserable by the end of the story due to them being tortured or something,
they're often still in a better position than at the beginning of the story. or perhaps, some
situation that they never imagined themselves in at all. i'm not sure.
it's kind of hard to think about. i like 'romance' stories with horrible endings where only one
character is happy, but i'd never want to be the happy character in this scenario. i'd like
to be taken care of and kept in a room being surveilled at all times. it's okay if i have no autonomy
because at least i am loved and watched over all the time you see. i wouldn't have to worry about
school or disappointing anyone. i could just be tied up in a room and staring at the lights and
making someone else happy. and eventually i'd probably get so used to it that it wouldn't be that painful
anymore. kidnapping scenarios in real life are scary of course but in fiction, people are often kidnapped
and taken to nice places. so perhaps i would not mind. or maybe it'd be okay for just a little while.
i can escape this horrible life and then be tortured for a short period of time only to appear in the real world
as a completely different person. maybe they'd feed me well and make me sleep off all of my withdrawals and by
the time i managed to get back into society again, i'd no longer have shut weird health problems because i would've been
forced to take care of myself by someone who loves me more than anything.
of course, i also dream of everything working out despite this not being possible for me. i was reading this manwha, and
it showed all the characters having so much fun. i was feeling miserable seeing it, and then it showed a flashback of the main
character drinking and crying telling his boss how hard life is. there will never be anyone i can go to for comfort. there will
be no one i can lose all inhibition with in karaoke rooms. i'll never be able to eat food freely or be paid for a job i enjoy.
i'm thinking of dropping out. i'm tired of putting in all this effort. i'm not even supposed to be doing this. i'm supposed to be making
comics with other artists and laughing about dumb bullshit or selling doujinshi at cons or something. or being beat to death by someone.
i don't really wanna work hard or anyhting.. unless im making art.. but there's 7 or 8 billion people in the world or whatever
and a good chunk of them can make art way better than i can.
i just. am so tired. you know? i'm so tired. life is so hard. seeing that really broke my heart. life is so hard, and i know it
won't get better for me. there's nothing i want or desire that is possible for me to achieve.
everything is just getting worse. nothing is working out.
4.11.25
----
To be honest being insane is really difficult. I'm a bit surprise the previous iteration
of myself managed to avoid being baited and was so nice to everyone the time. I really can't see how
I survived so long when everyone around me is absolutely insane. Perhaps I am the most insane of all, but
to be honest I don't feel insane. I think I'm right and everyone else is just kind of annoying generally.
Though I know this isn't true. I know I am just as melodramatic as people posting crazy
things in their Instagram stories. Every time I find myself overreacting to a small offense I am
forced to exam myself in the mirror and think about what I am and what I'm becoming.
Everyday my head hurts, and my GI system is in shambles. My mental health is also in a much worse state
to the point where I call mental health lines, and they hear my situation and just go quiet.
It's kind of funny.
It's kinda of funny how quickly you can decline.
People really don't care how much effort you're putting in and
will quickly kick you over and over again when you can no longer do anything for them.
Sometimes I wanna kill but I was talking to others RAs about a student suicide from a
semester or two ago and realized how pointless it'd be. It'd just be a bad memory
for everyone involved lol. I don't know.
It's annoying. They tore down all the asylums and now I have to get a fucking college degree.I should be locked up somewhere.
My mom wants to act like she cares and goes "do you need me to come get you?'
So I canrot in my house??? Why would I let
you come get me? I'll just get sicker in my bed at home? I just need my body to finally collapse
instead of directing all of this pain inwards.
I have a job now but to be honest it's just another stressor.
I can't sleep at night because my head hurts so badly and my GI is so messed up.
I try to eat well during the day but everything tastes disgusting unless it's seasoned fries. I can make myself eat vegetables~
I actually like the taste of them, but getting over the anxiety of leaving my dorm room is another nightmare. I find
myself waiting until evening when I know all the offices have closed and no one will be on campus.
I don't to show my face lately.I want to wear masks and last night I found myself looking for bucket hats after seeing
a depiction of a manwha character with most of his face obscured by his bucket hat and mask.
It really appealed to me.To be honest at the gas station
I have to wear pants and I don't really like it. I find the sensory experience of wearing pants to be a bit nightmarish,
and well I only really own a few pairs.. I also just feel gross and not like myself.
I kind of feel gross all the time. My face looks gaunt lately.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, and my brain is convinced that my cheeks are sinking inwards.
I look like a recent hunger games survivor at times,
but when I check the scale, the numbers haven't moved. The floor is uneven though,
so the numbers don't really mean anything at this point.
I don't really feel at home anywhere. I don't really like egl communities anymore..
I kinda don't wanna go back to my homecity because I don't... even have aroom or a space to stay.
College is evil and every time I talk to anyone with any power it seems like they're doubting every word I say.
The doctor didn't believe me until I walked into her office and couldn't stop myself from shaking in pain in her office chair.
The world is really ugly and disgusting. I'd like to rest soon.
Money from job is addicting though even if working for hours is very agonizing on my body..
Money is nice.. I missed income..
I keep getting reminded how much people hate me or don't care about me. haha.
most of the time i'm indifferent but sometimes i hate everyone else too.
4.10.25
----
success? successs..
i am happier i think. i don’t think i deserve any recognition- especially when compared to others.
it’s kind of really complicated. i don’t think there’s like.. people who really
care about my thoughts or artwork or stories outside of my close friends.
i’ve had people tell me that basically no one really looks at my writings and
having it told to me so plainly has established how unimportant i am in the
grand scheme of things. it’s why I kind of gave up on my rss feed and don’t
really take anything seriously nowadays. no one’s really looking. no one gives
a shit about me. one day ophanimkei will seaze to exist. it will be as meaningless
as a lone flower dying on a hot summer's day.
outside of my artwork and stories, there are projects that ask for contributions from
members of communities to make beautiful things (zines, jams, webrings, cliques etc).
i’m very happy about all of this. i am ultimately unimportant in these projects.
i just come up with the idea and other creators make them successful. i am always
happy to bring people together to make beautiful things. there’s just a balance of
happiness and anxiety and fatigue. i sometimes (often) overextend myself with these community projects, and
the happiness that comes from them is kind of absent until the project is completed and I can see everyone’s
contributions. These projects often take months to come to fruition
so it can be a dark time but ultimately it makes me happy.
but i don't know. i'm really tired.
i started withdrawing for the first time in years..
leaving many spaces.. hiding away.. i feel like the me
i've put so much energy into maintaining is dying.
something ugly is escaping.
9.17.22
----
i cant stop crying.
my life i sreally good.
im just a spoiled brat you know?
i really am the lowest of the low? i am the lowest of the low?
i am the lowest of the low.
my life is really good yet im always so sad
my life is really good yet i ran away
my life is really good yet i lose everyone
my life is really good yet im still sick
can someone hear me can anyone hear me can anyone hear me can anyone hear me can anyone hear me
no one can hear me
well
everyone can hear me
but no one can help me
im just meant to die
it would be so nice
to go to the top of mount everest.
i'd go in nameless poem. or get a nameless poem replica made of cotton.
my hair would be in long braids.
i'd take off my protective gear at the very top and then lie in the snow
i'd take sleeping pills and freeze to death
such a beautiful way to die.
it is my dream.
i have to remind myself not to die.
because if i die,
shouldn't it be somewhere beautiful?
where i can remain eternal?
7.11.24
----
my mom says i should use better help. i told her i dont like betterhelp. she told me to stop listening to the internet so much.
i ilt4ugkhvjhogmipotrgrbk;vjvnfgdnhdtvrk;l po
i just i just i just want an actual therapist but im too much for every therapist
i cant believe my mom is a pyschiatric nurse practioner and she helps her patients more than she helps me
she asked if i wanted to see someone at her office while knowing that was no longe ran option ebcause i started working there
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
IT MAKES ME SO BITTER
IT MAKES ME SO BITTER.
I just. want someone to help me.
but therapy for someone like me is useless anyways.
7.11.24
----
it's important to me that i finish ommatophilia. i've been working on it for so long
if i finish it, then a childhood dream will come true
but will anyone even play it lol
i mean does that matter
it just matters if i play it and if zed plays it.
and my other wonderful friends
i love my wonderful friends.
i think theyre going to all leave me soon
because everyone leaves me all the time
everyone is gone.
they all leave. everyone. i could name them by name. e. m. z. e. s. b. t. a. a. a.
though when i started naming people
i realized a lot of it was my fault
i guess i do a lot of leaving too.
i i think im going to take clonazapem.
because if i dont. ill keep coming back to this page
and write over and over and over
and voer and over and over
and over and over and over
and over and over and over
i wish i wish i wsih i iwsh someone would love me
but lots of people love me now
but i ruined it
everyoen will be gone soon
is hould die before it happens
people recognize me a lot lately
what wil they do when they find out my soul is black
7.11.24
----
i've really become a really awful person. i want to disappear i think. i'm not sure. i've been so lethargic.
i dont want to update my website. i dont want to work on my game.
i have projects coming soon, and while i do love them, i almost feel shackled down by them.
i can't do anything drastic because i'll disappoint everyone around me.
there's nothing lovely here. it feels like every single beautiful flower rots immediately.
or perhaps they're made of plastic? the world has lost its color again. its lost its color.
i cant stop falling asleep at work. my mom tells me how embarrassing i am. i am embarrassing.
am a horrible child. adult i mean. i deserve worst than death. i cant stop crying.
i started reading a visual novel called sutekina kanojo no tsukurikata.
i think i managed to avoid the bad ends for a while, but then bad things started happening.
i started thinking about how i was when i was younger. what i'm like without meds. i'm always lonely.
im always miserable.i have horrible impulses. i think im a good person, but lately i find myself acting on these impulses more often.
stupid stupid stupid. at my core i am completely evil. everyone thinks i am so kind, but really my halo is just a headband.
i want to go home but there is no home. i want ot be safe but i'll never be safe.
theres no future for me in this horrible world. i should die i should die.
i should be crucified.
its been so hard to write lately. i read so many things. i have so many experiences. b
ut im so tired. everything is too much work.
can someone tell me how awful i am already so i can finally go into a garage and turn on the engine.
i would take melatonin and fall asleep.. i know where it owuld be.
it'd be so nice. get me out of here. im not even suicidal i think. i dont know why im like this. i dont know.
my birthday is soon.
7.11.24