After my mom blessed me by ordering pizza, I ended up lying in bed for ages. It was just bliss to ignore the fact that I had homework and to just drift in and out of a sleepy haze. Most of my teachers weren't too harsh on me because they knew I had mental issues. I wondered if I just lazy though. Maybe if I was mentally healthy, I'd still be too lazy to do anything.
My brain haunted me with dreams of Cleo, but they were so messy that I couldn't recollect them. The sound of my phone awoke me a few times, but my haze was so strong to really check on anything. I couldn't figure out if I had just been dreaming about the faint marimba sounds or not. I hadn't been called often, but it seemed like a lot of things that usually didn't happen were occurring.
By the time I could feel myself rising out of bed like a zombie that hadn't eaten flesh in days. I assumed that it was probably 3AM. My stomach felt like an empty hole. I involuntarily grabbed my phone, and my eyes scanned through my notifications. The group chat was full of messages; my name was mentioned a few times... But I was too groggy to really understand what I was reading.
My hair had wrapped into tangles, forming a rat's nest that fell in thick dry strands. And I could still feel my lethargy crawling through my skin. It felt like I was held hostage in this lassitude body. Maybe, I could be free someday... Would that just be needing to kill myself? Perhaps that was the best resort.
I stepped onto the floor and walked through my room. Something smelled gross. Was it me? Oh god. When had I last taken a shower? Man, I was pretty gross. And of course, I'd slept in this outfit. Man, I really was a walking a rat.
At least waking up so early gave me time to actually take a shower. I searched through my drawers and grabbed a hoodie with a pair of of wrinkly jeans and sluggishly made my way to the bathroom. I noticed on the counter there was a candle I didn't recognize. A rose was on the label with vines twisted around a crucifix. Perhaps my mom bought it? She loved candles, and honestly, I did too. She had stopped buying me candles though because I'd light them and burn them out in less than a week.
I held the candle to my nose. The smell wasn't that great; it was kind of soapy and reminiscent of an old lady's perfume. I set it back own and decided it wasn't worth lighting.
When I began to run the shower water, it was pleasurable just to look at the steam rising from the hot water. I took off my gross clothes and stood under the running water. Smoke rising from my skin... The slightly red hue that covered me as a result of the pain. It was really satisfying.
I needed to take more showers. They were so relaxing. To be honest, it seemed kind of odd that I procrastinated on taking care of myself when I enjoyed it so much. I hummed softly thinking about the past few days. Too weak to kill myself, dreams of Cleo, for some reason she spoke to me? And that kiss she gave me. My first kiss taken so quickly. I thought I'd actually never get my first kiss.
Even my twisted mind couldn't figure out how to make this situation bad. I admitted to her I wanted to kill myself, yet she still spoke to me. She got my phone number, walked me home... Maybe, Cleo felt sorry for me, but at least was hanging out with me. She even got me to join a club. And, she asked me out too. This was a fairy tale.
Something definitely felt odd about all of this, but it was still nice to feel wanted from someone I adored so much. I leaned my head against the side of the shower and found myself thinking about her. Her hair curling around my fingers; the goddess. Just thinking about her made dopamine run through my head.
I turned off the shower and realized I'd spent an hour bathing. As I put on my clothes, I still found myself thinking about her... I pulled my hoodie over my head and put on my jeans. When I left the bathroom,it was only 4:17.
I finally looked at my phone and saw that Cleo had messaged me directly.
Cleo: I'll walk you to school today! I'm already outside your house by the way~ I don't mind waiting! I see your lights on by the way, happy to see you up!!
I blinked? It was 4AM...
She must've lived very close by to wake up so early. Maybe she just didn't sleep much. It was odd but I didn't mind. I didn't have much else to do. Talking to an angel face to face.
I responded to her just asking for a second to put on clothes. She typed something at first, but immediately stopped. I pulled my hoodie on and my jeans then brushed my teeth. Was I supposed to dress nicely if I was in a relationship now? It didn't really matter did it? I didn't own any nice clothes since I hadn't gone shopping in so long.
Oh well, I walked downstairs. I think I was just supposed to be excited to see her.