Today I did a tarot reading for the first time in some time. I used the Celtic Cross spread because I've always liked big spreads though after this I intend to focus on small ones. I kept my notes in my app. I did not read reversals for this spread in particular because it made more sense without them, but I think I will for smaller spreads if I get into doing tarot consistently again.

(One reason I struggle is due to shuffling..)

I use the book for my card set though did double check some of the reversals.

1. Where am I right now?
   
   
   
   • Four of Wands symbolizes a luxurious garden and good times being on the horizon (even if it's a surprise) and taking a break from hardwork.
   
   
   • I have a job now, and my interview period is over. I've been on the grind for a long time, but now I'm working full time. My job is relatively easy even with the problems. 
   
   
   • Another thing is that my girlfriend and I's relationship feels full of flower lately. When  I talk to her, I feel very happy. This feels like the fruit of prioritizing communication and stability despite all of my fears. It was difficult for me, but I wanted to do it for her and it feels like the path forward is breezy.
   
   
   
   


2. Potential Challenges
   
   
   
   
   • Two of Swords can focus on raising defenses againnst opposition and putting on blindfolds. A problem is not being dealt with honestly and an issue must be confronted.
   
   
   • When I think about this card.. I think about my life after summer and my housing. I keep thinking I'll live with my mom but she is not the ideal person to live with. I feel as though it is something I should be trying hard to take care of but keep looking away from. When friends express concern, I simply don't want to go over it.
   
   
   • Another issue is that I've been less vulnerable and unreachable because I am afraid. I do not consider myself to be an avoidant person, more leaning towards protecting my peace, but even lately with friends, at times I isolate to avoid discussing my feelings.
   
   
   • Lastly, I am still not taking care of my disabiltiy. I could be better with simple changes in my life that I do for a long period, but I just haven't prioritized it.
   
   
   
   


3. What To Focus On?
   
   
   
   • King of Pentacles indicates that the holder has all they wish for but despite it, remains trusting and generous. It is a nice reminder.. As mentioned I am less vulnerable in general and have a tendency to want to be alone recently or around the people I'm used to, but it's easy to become meaner when I feel this way..
   
   
   • I want to be kind and when I have income, support my friends. I worry I've been thinking about other things, but I want to suport the people who've supporoted me and continue to be give my loved ones gifts.. Especially my siblings and my girlfriend.
   
   
   
   


4. Your Past
   
   
   
   • I pulled Seven of Pentacles. This card focused on taking a break from a project I've been nurting and focusing on other things, even if the fruits of the old project are visible. I looked at my RPG Maker project, the large 3D one, and decided it was too mcuh for me right now, so I took a hiatus from it's development, at least until I am more skilled.
   
   
   • I took chose to take many breaks actually though I'm still in the process of being freed from those responsibilities due to needing to finish them before I can embrace rest.
   
   
   
   


5. Strengths
   
   
   
   • I got Death which didn't surprise me. As I get older, I find myself havin gto let go of things more and more. It's hard for me, but I'm good at recognizing when it must be done.  And I can finally.. talk about my trauma openly. I try not to trauma dump, but I can explain why I am the way that I am without crying.. It was something that happened to me, so I want to be able to discuss a lot of it because it's all significant parts of my life. I can talk about it without reliving it.
   
   
   
   


6. Near Future
   
   
   
   • Queen of Cups emphasized creativity, struggling to stay on solid ground, empathy, and a comforting presence, and a emotional wellbeing. Part of me is mystified by this card but the focus on myself and my girlfriend I plan to have, my new hobbies, and my new way of living lets it come together. I'm picking up newer hobbies and well, while I am not emotionally well, as mentioned, I'm much closer to my wife than ever before and I'm going to therapy.. Becoming financially stable and planning more outings. 
   
   
   
   


7. Suggested Approach
   
   
   
   • Nine of Pentacles: Everything is going well.. Peaches and daisies.  Smart decisions have been made, time and money have been managed wisely.. With this in mind, I hope to continue making smart decisions. I mananged to get a job to pay off my rent and travel for summer again. I have a desire to shop and do silly things, but I must continue focusing on the grand prize.. Paying for game dev help, getting to work, and thinking about my housing for the future.
   
   
   
   


8. What You Need to Know
   
   
   
   
   • Queen of Pentacles represents a stable and simple life with people and activities that bring her joy. To me.. This represents pragmatism. When life is going well, I tend to aim higher, but I must do what I can.. I don't need to get higher to be happy, especially when life is going so well!
   
   
   
   


9. Hopes and Fears
   
   
   
   • Queen of Swords  is characterized by bluntness, unflinching perception, and a truthful nature that does lack compassion.
   
   
   • Well, in recent tiemes, as slightly indicated above, I've been afraid of lacking sense. Many times in the past, I wish I'd said more in relationships when I felt like something was off, but I never did and ended up severing things when it felt irreperable. It's something I want to improve upon, but I am afraid. The line between bluntness and compassion.. It's hard to see. People are hurt easily, but they'll hurt you if you don't talk to them whether it is on purpose or not.
   
   
   
   


10. Your Potential Future
    
    
    
    • For this I pulled Five of Wands. Honestly, yeah. It's focused on battle, competition, but it's not defined by friendliness or ugliness. It could be either, but in the end it will be exhausting.
    
    
    • Not very surprising.. I feel like conflicts come up.. Especially since I work and am an artist. Things happen. I try to avoid them but tend to get more exhausted. Since it is a 'potential future,' perhaps I will try to avoid conflict entirely by speaking up when I feel I should or shutting things down before it gets too bad
    
    
    
    

That was fun. I haven't done tarot in ages. I'd like to do it more but who knows if I will? This deck is one that is special to me, and it is also very popular. I am considering buying a new one because... This one appeared in a weird time in my life.. So I'd like to get one that is not associated with those times. When I used them, I also didn't feel as connected to them as I used to be, so I realized it's time. There is one deck I dream of i can obtain if I try but many I know I'd enjoy (rabbit tarots in particular.)

Have a wonderful day!!!

it's very hard to be vulnerable for me. i think it's probably obvious. the people i feel obligated to cut off are the people i regret being vulnerable around, but i think most people can be vulnerable normally. like, the things i view as vulnerable would be basic things for other people. online and with the current culture, it's much harder. no one owes anyone anything. you don't owe a listening ear or kindness. if they're being harassed, you should deal with that alone because you are just stressing me out. bla bla bla. 

fortunately, i love all my friends and i love my gf the most. lately when i get sad, i think, you know, i have a girlfriend. lol. then i sort of don't care abt what was making me sad. i think this way with  my friends often but my gf is like.. so wonderful. the worst part abt my job is not being able to text or check in on her when it starts. she gets two days off in a row and we keep trying to plan a sleepover but guess what.. her days off are the day i start T_T i hoping she can come but my job is from 12:30 to 8:30.. that's like the entire day! we're having a sleepvoer so that might make up for it a bit but oh my god! 

my gf and i have been dating for 436 days and you know after over a year, our dynamic has changed. the snow also made things change. despite being semi-long distance, we are effected by many of the same storm systems, so while we were snowed in, we video called much more than usual. it felt kind of cosmic since i'm about to start my job and won't eb allowed to use my phone. i can only see her hwen i'm off work. i'm off two days a  week a nd leave early Saturdays. i know my schedule is good, but i just want to text my wife every once in a while. i feel like that's not a crime!!!

i've had a lot of trauma for a while. i view relationships as somethign that develop and grow deeper over time throug communication but it means that it can take a long time for me to realize i may not.. be okay. but my wife.. it keeps getting better.

she loves my glasses and my nose and thinks im cute in my bonnets. it's weird feeling. sometimes i talk abt something sad and i apologize but she says it's norma for girls who have had  strange lives to not be ab

le to avoid sad topics. she wants to see every side of me. she told me she has been thinking about my name since she first heard it in an English Class. we both are so anxious and we both communicate. we both understnad people aren't obligated to respnd but can be saddened by it.

we rely on each other and love each other very much. when i think a conversation will go horribly.. she is so lovely.

it's weird. i talk about not realizing my frineds like me. i've known my girlfriend has lvoed me but i don't know if i realized the depts of her love...  i knew we had an interest in each other before our relationship started but.. Smiles. i didin't. know. i'm trying to show her more of my art.. i move slowly because i have trust issues and art is always hard for me to share... but she is interested... my dear wife.

it's weird falling in love over and over and over again. the future is usually wishy washy but i see her. i know she loves me and i love her. smiles.