9.30.23 | REJOICE
WOOOO!!! IT'S THE LAST DAY OF SEPTEMBER!
I have a lot of things that are going to happen in October. Exciting things that will drain my wallet hehe. Hopefully they come to fruition.
To be honest, I actually called the title rejoice because the hunger from my antipsychotics is gone. When I stop my antipsychotics and start again, I become ravenous for about a week-ish. I eat and eat and even when I'm full, I always have the desire to eat more.
I went to the dining hall today and got a plate of fried rice and two vegetable egg rolls. I ate the fried rice and as I ate the egg rolls, I realized I was completely full. CRAZY. CRAZY. I was so surprised by the feeling it took me a moment to recognize it. I walked by the fries station and didn't feel the urge to grab any. I didn't get three extra cookies. I didn't get a second plate of fried rice. I was just.. full.
It's been some hours since then. Trying to decide if I'll buy gushers or not. I've been craving gushers for days, but also, I'd have to spend money and next weekend is a big lolita event so I shouldn't spend anything until then. I'll be able to go to a candy store probably.. get fudge.. Mm.. Fudge.. and other yummy food...
Now I'm dreaming of fudge and other sweets ;T_T Sweets.. sweets.. Sweets...... I might get the gushers...
9.26.23 | i remember what kept me alive last summer
i went in the woods today. it was really fun. got some fun pictures. even though the good times from freshman year are slipping out of my fingers, i can still have fun. i can still go on adventures even if i am alone.
i'll tell the story of my time in the woods. first things first, i walked into the student center thinking i had something to do today, but turns out, i did not. i got very excited because the class i have at a later time wasn't taking place either. the rest of the day is free. i'm so busy lately. i rarely have free time.
I walked around campus taking pictures. here are a few.
I walked around for a while. Took some pictures. Will show.
But then I heard a noise, an aggressive bark..
I turned around and a dog was running towards me. Many thoughts flashed through my mind. "If I'm stuck out here, I have my phone," was one of them. And remembering what my granny said about going out by myself. But, I also remembered my granny had been in a situation where this happened to her too. So I did what she did.
"Go away!" I shouted confidently. The dog barked again but ran in the opposite direction. I took a deep breath and walked forward again feeling a bit on edge. I walked up hill for a while and took a picture of a structure I found.
There wasn't anywhere to go after that so I turned around, anxious because I'd have to go the direction the dog went in. I began to walk back the direction I came in, deciding it was time to go when I then ran into someone. She said she was lost and the paths get confusing. We exchanged words, and I continued walking forward confident I would not get lost as I didn't think there was anywhere else to go.
I walked for a while, sure I was going in the right direction only to find an exit. The exit led to a church clubhouse. I walked inside and spoke to the people there for a second, then I went back into the woods to search for the exit. I found a large parking lot made of rocks, and tricked myself into hearing the sound of a dog collar and growls.
Eventually, I did find the exit. I took a celebratory picture.
I really felt like the protagonist of a horror movie for a while or that I was in some looping yume nikki dream world as I kept ending up in areas I'd been in before. It really struck life into me. The fear from the dog, the excitement from the woods, interacting with strangers at the church, the structure that resembled a silo- it all just made me feel something other than the constant boredom of going to school and working everyday.
I need to go on more adventures. October will be here soon. There will be lots to do, and the decreasing temperature along with the approach of the holidays tends to put me in a strange mood. Perhaps it will give me more of what I seek.
9.25.23 | i'm not really feeling like myself today
I get really stressed and eat nonstop lately. I tell myself I won't do it tomorrow, but then i repeat the cycle again. I'm worried it's going to get out of control, but I'll fix it for sure tomorrow. I think I need to get a thermos and put ramen in it and carry around a smoothie and consume that all day, so that I don't go in the dining hall and eat everything that appeals to me.
When I get really stressed, I sometimes end up fixating on my diet because there is nothing else to fixate on and I end up in these weird cycles. It sucks.
I'm just really depressed lately. And tired. It kind of feels like I'm just floating in space. I meant to study more today but now it's already 8pm. I can tomorrow, but I tell myself I'll do that everyday. I think there's a higher chance I'll do it tomorrow than other days now that I've worked all of my weekends for September and I got my first Japanese Lesson 1 Test out of the way and I knew what I was doing.. Plus.. I have a plan now. KhanAcademy and Codecademy time of course.
I'm just.. Is all of life like this? Will I feel this way forever? I'm just.. I want to feel joy. I just laughed at some "you're cringe" spongebob clip, and that was probably the strongest emotion I felt today. I'm just.. Is life really like this? I just want to go to beautiful places and connect to others but.. I think the good times have passed now. I have to accept this school year will be much harder and I'm going to hangout with others way less. Unfortunate.
I want to wear cute clothes tomorrow, but I've just been throwing whatever on and leaving. I'm tired. Maybe this is depression. I just want to give up I think. Sometimes I feel like i should die, but I don't have the motivation to kill myself. It's just.. life is so bleh. I worry it'll be like this forever.
9.23.23 | vitamin d deficiency
I'm really anxious..
I'm sitting in bed. The room is completely dark other than the light from my laptop and iPad. I want to relax, but I'm so anxious. Everyone is leaving me behind I think. I'm just. sitting here. I'm alone i my room. Without my family, I'd just be a schizo under a bridge talking to myself about the situation I got myself in.
I made a new webring for lolitas called Cult of Usakumya. Here is the link. I need to advertise it, but unfortunately I'm dead. Dying actually. Dead and dying. The webring is interesting. It uses php and I have to approve everyone who enters. It's not technically hosted on neocities, but with the power of iframes, it appears as though it is haha.
Citrus made the widget button. It's so cute. Citrus is the best. Thank you Citrus. I'm tearing up. I love my friends.
I want something sweet. I want something that will make me feel good. Fionna and Cake makes me feel good. I wanted the episode "The Winter King" a few times because I enjoyed it so much. Though.. Fionna and Cake is pretty sad. I wonder if it's just going to.. stay like that? If it's going to keep being sad. It's Adventure Time so there's always a twinge of sadness, but Fionna and Cake feels.. darker.
The last episode I watched was Jerry which.. was so sad T_T.
I don't mind the sadness because it's such a good story and it still has that sweetness that helps me feel okay.. But I don't know.. the sweetness isn't very satisfying this time because I feel like there's something ugly hiding behind it. You know?
I need to play a game soon.. I want to play Swollen to Bursting.. I wish I could replay Halope for the first time. Perfect game..
I want to play TOTK but I'm saving to go to a convention.. I'm not sure I'll be able to go yet, but if I can, I'll be happy. I can't buy anything. It's driving me crazy, but my wardrobe is a nice size now anyways.. Tomorrow I should take pictures of all of my new items and organize my wardrobe page. I'm just.. so tired. Maybe even disillusioned. I added a new button to my neighborhood pages, inkcaps. Sarah is really nice. Their support helped me finish. I've kind of been floating in the abyss.. Having someone cheer me on allowed me to reach out of the void and bring something in the world.
Sorry for being so ~emo~. I hate being so exhausted all the time. The doctor told me I'm low on Vitamin D. I wonder if that's what is making me so tired. Probably. Hopefully. I'm hoping that's it because it's an easy solution (supplements and better diet). I still haven't picked up supplements though.. I'll ask my mom about it.
I need to study JP I need to catch up on database need to find service position and in an hour I have to do a community walk. aaaahhhhhhh. I just. wnat to work on my website. i want to work on my website. i want to work on my game. i want to draw. maybe thi sweekend. room is so messy.. hard to work..
9.17.23 | haha
Life is good, but I'm dying I think. I signed up for way too much this semester, and now I am hardly holding on. Never again.
That's been one of the reason for the lack of updates. I'm tired all the time. I have a new page that's basically finished, just waiting on an art piece from Wren. It won't be hosted on neocities, but leprd. I'm excited it's another community project like the rpg maker webring. I've gotten support and help from other people in the community!
I went to a lolita meet today. Sanrio themed.
I got in trouble at work for being late to meetings. I just haven't been able to wake up for them. I fell asleep before one meeting (but came ten minutes later), had a migraine around the other meeting (came fourty minutes later), and had to reschedule the first meeting because of a presentation. RA stuff is really strict and they're not very forgiving. I reached out to disability services for help. Also called our college helpline. They weren't very helpful haha.
I ran out of my antipsychotics three or four days ago. When I got the letter from my job about needing to go in for a meeting about my "concerning behavior," I cried 7 times.. though in the letter they did express like.. a small bit of concern for my health. I mentioned in my weekly check in that I'm going to the doctor and getting my labs checked out. I sometimes worry I'm just lazy, but I tried waking up this morning and I couldn't really control my limbs. I could see my body. I could look around the room. I could just barely lifted my arm and shook as I tried to get out of bed.
I want to give a bigger update, I am just so tired. I got a lot of clothes recently for really affordable prices. They'll be added to my EGL wardrobe in time. The wardrobe needs to be organized by item...
So many things I want to do. I've had fun helping others with websites though. I helped cynicalneoprincessissm with something which was fun. I've liked their content for a long time, so it was fun to help them make a vision come to life!
I did some other website commissions.. I'll post images soon... My head hurts and i have class tomorrow. My room is really messy. I'm going to go to bed. But next time.. I'll post pictures of my pc maintenance classroom.