gaslighting. impulsivity. static things. the belief that i am not surviving
Posted on: 2025-09-26 02:07:00
Tags: suicide cw

everyday i wake up. and i wish i did not. i don't know what i'm doing here. i started thinking to myself "i need to work on the static site archives of my tutorials and resources before it's too late" and i wasn't even thinking 'i'm going to kill myself.' at this point, i just know i am not going to live. there's nothing for me to wait out. it's just over for me after this unless i can get the willpower to survive this suffering. and to be honest, i feel like, even if i get that willpower, my body is always in so much pain that it's impossible.


sometimes i think to myself college isn't that bad but then i end up going to class, and they decided to teach me about hate speech or something and i decide to be extremley vulnerable only to get 2.5 points out of a 100 point assignment for some reason that is never explained. and past me could've asked why but this is 2025 me, and i just can't do this anymore.


and then i talk to my mom and she starts the gaslighting and cruelty and i remember if i fuck up college, i have nowhere to go. it's over for me.


if i go back to my mom i'll die, but i can't function in the current college atmosphere. i can't check my notifications or my assignments and i can hardly be on campus. one funny thing is mom constantly gaslights me into thinking things aren't as bad as i remember.


she never 'doesn't believe me when i don't feel bad' like she didn't refuse to take me to the doctor all winter break. i have no reason 'to not be afraid of meds' only to right after admit she knew less about medication in 2022 while still not admitting any fault then going 'i'm a lot' THEN why do you wanna manage my meds if you don't want to deal with me.


people send kind messages cheering me on, but the problem is that cheering me on doesn't end abuse. i'm going to end up lying in my bed doing nothing eventually. i can't live with my mom. i can't hold a job. i recently find myself watching things about internet 'lolcows' and so many of their societal failings i also share. it makes me want to be more motivated to not end up in a similar situation only for me to lie in bed and experiencce terror or go to bed at 6pm again. 


endless cries for help. i'll probably go on meds again, but in truth i just sort of hope i don't wake up at all. i dont' wanna be on medication (though it's what i'm reaching out for in  hopes it'll give me willpower again) i don't wanna be in college. i don't wanna go home.


my mom kept gaslighting me over and over. there's a lot going on. i can't really think about it, but she's going to end up turning me into a shell of a person again if i let her keep going. i need to find some solution before everything ends, but i know she won't help me find that solution while insisting that everything is my fault despite the resources i have. it's hard to keep believing this though when she keeps telling me i'm making everything up. 


anyways i think github is more reliable than neocities so i guess i back them up on github and neocities or maybe just github idk  lol. i feel like i can automate a way for ophanimkei to be static since it's PHP reliant and no more content is generated with JS (including my statuses!)


that is to say i'm not planning to kill myself, but i remember a long time ago learning a lot of suicidal people are impulsive. like there's so many ads about stopping people from buying rope at the store or something, but plenty of deaths are caused by someone just being sad, going somewhere that doesn't make it hard to kill yourself like  tall building, and then going "it'd be so easy" and just doing it.


i scared of dying but lately i get these extreme urges in bed. i'll lie down and look online. "if i had money for this, i'd buy it then it'd sit in my room and eventually i'd finally end my life with it when it's too much" and who's not to say i'd do that for some tall building.