Hi!! Today I joined a webchain called Milkchain. It's pretty cool, an evolution of webrings. I want to toy with it someday I think. I like ever growing things with islands.

oh beautiful thing.. speaking of should change my favicon soon i guess..

I'd like to toy with it eventually and see if having it webbed like this is the only way to display information. I have no idea lol . It's actually up on Github- free to look at, so I could just look at it.. With my eyes. I am busy lately though so notm uch time to learn new things. Tomorrow though I am hoping to go pick up Ulbrelvy, but I need you to know that medication is  $1,000 so I may come back empty handed. I set up a card to try to get it for less which I think will work with my mom's insurance For Once. Now I must go there.. But spending money on Uber always sucks.

What has Mala been up too? Migraine hell. I have one right now, slowly increasing in intensity. Some people manage to get it for $0. This is what I am hoping for since I don't really have money for medication right now. I've been lucky lately. I'm getting free autism assessment soon (would you believe that just fell into my lap?). Maybe the luck will keep up and I can finally be free from the illness curse? But it's scary.. I have migraines a lot.. Afraid of rebound headaches with medication always.

ignore the hand in the corner lmao it's a youtube video

I've been working on my dress up game finally. Was thinking I may not do it then sstarted and had a bunch of fun. Pretty chill. I was burned out from yuritober and I felt bad not finishing up then I realized good girls take breaks (or else they decay and end up becoming burned out bad girls). This woiuld not be ideal because burning out will take away my coping mechanisms.

Making these little projects in Godot is fun, especially with basicbean being so helpful. I have random things on mind now. I think I want the eyes and mouths to be switchable. Right now they're drag and drop but this disturbs me. May have one default face, but not sure. I think I'll add music and a custom splash screen too haha.

Godot has a built in custom splash but it's like unitty's. Can easily get rid of. I sometimes like to see it cause it's like "wow godot i can't believe this was made in godot" lol but you know for my own tastes, prefer pastel leaning things. Mala has her own logo that I can just make pink. Umm, it's actually not super visible on this website.. It's my big logo.. The angel with wings..

chartreuse made this for me

It pleases me and captures all I'd like. Holy angel noises then cute bunny music. Probably have some CC0 stuff in my files.

Oh also I am preparing to start my hop to Steam since itchio is run by.. people who don't know how to do anything I guess.

oldcurrent wip

My goal with RehAI is to fix the old art, fix any writing I find to egregious leaving most of the old stuff in tact, add a sidestory, and some other goodies you unlock. There will be a switcher for new and old art too. The Ryuikishi way. No release date in mind because Steam app is $100 and I'm takin gremake pretty slow. I'm hoping to get some seasonal job over winter that gives me money for the upcoming spring year+ things like this.

Anyways, yap yap. This is fun. Dollmaker jam going well too. After it's over, my goal is to make a dollmaker webring for dollmakeers hosted on sites. I'll probably get rid of the widget though. Maybe it'll just be a listing instead? A listing with an optional button. That actually makes more sense huh?

i've drawn this OC for artfight..,. seeing  dollmaker for them made me very happy. it also made me wanna get more brown and red clothes

This is from Aoife Dressup by slimemold. 

I know some other friends are joining and friends who aren' t in the jam have also expressed interest in making dollmakers. This sparks much joy for obvious reasons so I am greatly pleased by this. Many are neocities friends.. So so nice. Some friend swho've joined are gonna self host their games too rather than just be on itchio.. yes.. yes.. my grand plan..

Fizzsea also entered and obviously I love everything by him hence him being one of the jduges. Their dollmaker sparked much joy. I made cute girl then realized I could make several of my ocs.

ocs.. i've never been able to make sepia in anything. i hadn't thought about mia in a while but this was perfect for her. and angel .. is just perfect whenever citrus draws her.

I think I'll probably keep making dollmakers for a long time. It's something I always wanted to do as a kid and hosting this sort of feels like an extension of childish wishes? I always never know how to feel about anyhting, but Dollmaker Jam I think makes me happy for sure.. My goal is 15 entries total.. So I hope we reach it. We're at 8 and not even halfway through October! There's 79 people who've joined the jam too. this is actually why my goal is 15.

Previously it was lower! It's hard to get people to finish things for dollmaker jams and also getting them to learn about them is hard.. I'm not really popular or anything outside of a few niche circles I guess (and even then I'm not favored in those circles like some of my peers, my name just pops up often). Um, I guess it's nice to host things wiht friends and see them come to fruition.. Pleasant feeling. Something new. Trying new rthings is good! New things are always so scary, but it must be done to make progress with emotions!

Godot, dollmakers, new relationships with old friends, going new places, communicating with girlfriend.. All good. My brain feels like it's splitting in half a lot of the time but these little things help so much.. Recentering of life.

didn't mention it in entry but today i played mc for the first time since i moved haha

Hi! I haven't updated so much of August.. I finished up my final RA shifts ever (terrible time- I was up for over 48 hours at one point) and then moved to my apartment. My parents helped me move. They also bought me a DS and a Wii Fit board as a late birthday gift. I spent the next few days after they left cleaning lots. I played video games, worked on commissions, got zine pre-orders up, etc etc. I was very focused so my website was on the backburner.

I also found myself getting in sour moods. Maintenance changed the apartment locks, but getting in contact with staff is a bit exhausting so I ended up waiting until everyone moved in ont he 20th. So I refused to leave my apartment for 2 days in fear of getting locked out then on the 20th I headed down to campus. 

I took pictures. I was in one of my default outfits lol. I put up my rack and everything, so now it's easier to get dressed since I can see all my clothes. That sounds silly. This is because ADHD is stupid.

i took some pics in the library since it's been a while

My room setup was annoying and mainful, but I got there in the end. I need to get hooks to hang some more dresses on the walls, but that is for later haha. I hope to do a room tour for vlogging stuff. I love yapping about decor.

this area was the hardest to figure out. 
i split the bookshelf into two, used the nightstand by my bed as a TV stand,
and used the shortened part of my bookshelf as a nightstand.

I said I didn't do much web development, but this is technically not true. I did some maintenance to rpgmaker.cafe. I figured out how Racknerd's rescue mode work. It was horrifying, but now that I know, life is much easier ahaha. This is because I lost my SSH key with my hard drive erasure.

The rpgmaker.cafe instance was a bit gunked up because I tried to use webmin on it but ended up Hating webmin, and it fucked with a lot of my existing settings. I increased image size uploads for the instance, removed webmin, and did some other NGINX stuff. I want to open it back up and add some more things (a nice embed for links and maybe some other stuff). I ended up doing this a bit unplanned because Webmin was preventing my auto let's encrypt from running.

Anyways, I am going to a festival this weekend and gonna model. Let's hope I don't clown around. Haha. I fall in my shoes sometimes, not because they're too tall but because I am poorly coordinated and forget how to walk. I do it in flats too. Isn't that silly?

Well, to endthis off, I've been playing cozy games. Minecraft today. ACNH randomly. I even have been doing the stretching mini game. Playing it on my CRT while relaxing and thinking about time passing feels like the way God intended me to play this game.

I used to play this game with people who were very cruel and also people I still love (my siblings all have houses on the island). And now I'm away from all of them. I startedthis game as a teenager when Covid started. I was like 15 or 16. The animals still call me kiddo despite how old I am now. My character still has the name of Persona 2 creature I was fixated on at the time. There's so much new stuff yet also unfamiliar things.

It's nice.. It feles similar with Minecraft.So much familiarity yet alien things too. I like chipping away at all my stuff each day though I appreciate my teenage self for being on the turnip grind haha! I never worry about bells.

There's this animal crossing mod I installed for the old AC I plan to play on my wii (the gamecube version). It gives new skin tones and everything, but it sounds kind of overwhelming to start a new game right now, so I'm not in a rush. Taking it easy!

 

end of distractions

throughout july, i always had things to do (even outside of school). the game jam with WIILT, my dress up game i've been working on and off on, a very long commission queue i was getting through very slowly, applying for jobs, YAYE market, etc etc. i went out a lot too. artfight was around. it was nice keeping busy and always having something to turn to. it distracted me from my problems.

my commission queue is almost empty now. there's two things left- a website and drawing and both are almost finished. my dressup game is out and people have sent me many dolls, dozens.. i haven't kept count. it sparks joy. 

my website is always something i tinker on, but it is a thing that.. hmm.. it's just a thing i tinker on. sharing code doesn't bring me a lot of satisfaction. making FOSS stuff just isn't very fun because i don't think people will use it outside of myself. it's why i lag behind on fixing everything on this blog. i have lots of things i wanna make on this website, but coding also is.. it doesn't bring me the same satisfaction as commissions or game development or anything. 

it's also not just satisfaction.. i have a lot problems in my life and periods of intense focus allow me to not think about those issues. my mom and i aren't talking right now, but she's coming to help me move in 2ish. i need to gather a lot of disability paperwork from various sources.  my migraines are coming and going. some problems clear up over time but others hang over me constantly, like needing to have a consistent form of income but struggling to find a line of work that doesn't make me start killing people.

it also keeps me from talking to others too much. i don't really wanna hangout lately, but also, i do with some friends. irls it's okay, but being online in online conversations for experiences is painful. i get messages from men lately which is scary..

i mainly hangout with girls because men are sort of.. unpredictable since incels behavior is rising in every country, but well, i post pictures of my lolita events on various SNS and one on Rednote/XHS. i limit my interactions on most apps, but don't mind interactions generally. i have no desire to be popular. i post for archival reasons! also because the girls on XHS are nice.. it's a female dominated app which is great.

um, anyways, i posted something and it has 60,000 views. the post gets larger everyday. it has over 700 comments last i checked and over 8k likes. it makes me happy because lots of girls post in the comments and are very happy, but also men send me message requests and one was "can I be your slave?" someone tried to call me a slur too though it was so pathetic i just laughed. 

i got a few random hate comments, but it was kind of nothing. i'm really overwhelmed by all of the attention. i feel bad not responding to everyone. lots of girls are posting in the comments or staying problems they have wearing EGL at home. i want to support and be nice to everyone, especially because so many are so sweet but i think my brain has melted completely. 

anyways, the random virality that can  happen on XHS is quit a lot so i may be more careful with my posting there haha! my games r supposed to be popular.. not my lolita posts..

i haven't been up to much of anyhting outside of that.. and being on call sometimes.. i'll be on call a lot over the next two weeks, but even then, i don't do much while on call to be honest. maybe it'll give me a good excuse to leave my dorm more often haha. 

i should edit this blog blog's framework some more.. get the categories working.. add a listening to, how am i feeling/status thing to the blog posts.. would be fun. maybe it's time to edit the theme again too..

thinking about alien 9 a lot and gonna watch some old Yoshitashe abe works soon on my beautiful CRT. i should burn DVDs so i can play whatever i want. are blu-rays more popular because people don't burn them? I have no idea.

So. I went a bit insane and purged a lot of pages from the website. I finally purged a lot of the CSS in the stylesheet and moved it onto individual pages (we will see if i come to regret this), and for a few hours, this blog had been deleted as i felt it wasn't the best representation of myself. it's back now because this is a major coping mechanism for me, and it's deletion would result in further neurotocism.



It's 2:48AM and I have work in the morning, but I am feeling so on edge from deleting so much stuff. Okay, deleted is a strong word. A lot of it is still on my laptop in a folder marked as "retired." Maybe I'll upload it to the website tomorrow. Maybe I'll accidentally delete the folder and those pages will only exist on the wayback machine. Who knows?



I just kept feeling like my website was too big and it was bogged down by a lot of pages I didn't really care about anymore. No Manifesto is gone. Although it meant something to some people, it didn't really interest me anymore. The followup, Manifesto, is also gone because I have no desire to have an internet manifesto. machine girl page is gone. second life page is gone For now. I just really disliked the design of the page, and it was so image heavy that it loaded very slowly. It'll come back in some form probably if I ever feel like coding it again.



I'm considering moving this diary to PHP but everytime I look into it, I'm like "that's way too much fucking work." Idk. Who cares about any of that? To be honest, I'm just happy the website is slimmer now. I feel like it's a better reflection of my current likes and ideals and interests. I will grieve the kitchen page. I was even preparing to make onigiri to update it, the rice is in the fridge. But it's just way too much energy and thinking about it would blast me with 100 brain damage. I think I just want to write essays about media every two years and update my diary and reading pages. And like talk about my projects. The collections page is gone simply because my collection feels too big to photograph ahah.



The lolita page... It's still here. i'm unhappy with it but it's here. I'm unhappy with everything on my site lately. I'm worried the iframes are clunky, the old home page was way cuter and more versatile, there's too many broken links, no one likes webp maybe I shouldn't have converted all the images. None of it really matters because it's a simple hobby but I'll obsess over it like it does.



I just feel like such a disappointment. Boring disappointing webpages boring words boring boring boring boring.