to be honest i think depression might've finally sapped out all of my joy and isoaltion is becoming one of my core gtraits. it's kind of interesting int hat i don't think i've experienced it like this before. usually i do want to socialize- i want support from peers in the process or to hangout with them, but now it's like. i don't really wanna talk to anyone. friends i love talk to me and i don't have much of a desire to respond. fallouts are slowly rolling in and coming and going but i dont' have the energy to really care. i'm considering stopping ophazines and just sort of feel thsi constant misery drum. i can't help but think people are terrible, and while i've been enjoying animal crossing and my other video games, it's only a matter of time before i get bored with all of those things.

truly, i just am unsure of how to proceed. it feels like the poeple i connect with are few and far between. i just sort of want to disappear from the world. my only reasoning i guess is because i like my friends, and i want to make money to live. but i don't feel the childish 'my frineds all hate me' feeling, but more  of a general knowledge knowing my friends will be fine without me and soon many of them will exist without me anyways due to having to go back to memphis and likely never seeing most of them in person again.

life just feels like a collection of living for tiny experiences. it's worse because my mom is back into religionlately. can't really talk to her because she'll just say it's a god problem, but even as a christian, i don't see any point. even when i loved god and was really religious, i couldn't understand why he'd be so cruel.

what is there to do? i really love my friends, but it never feels like enough. to the point where hanging out just sort of feels painful.  i hate group settings. i like being one on one but thew onyl way it feels like to make friends is by being in group settings. i dont' know. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i hate that i need to make connections. is hould be allowed to live somewherew and have someone post everything for me. how do JP skeb artists randomly appear and posts and immediately gain followings? am i just not good enough? 

i don't really like having meat girl comments on but only can have any symbol of success by having those projects be visibnle since htere's no other visibile mectrics and id ont'r eally care about success but it gives me opportunities to gain money. i don't want art to be my job but i have no choice.

mom says i give up to easily but i dont know. how do you keep energy to keep trying? wouldnt it just be nice to sleep and never wake up. i dont wanan bandon all of these things. if i went into a coma, everyone would move on without me. just sleeping forever seems ideal. i'd never wake upwith the knowledge of everyone leaving me behind. no one would have to deal with me killing myself. i could dream. i'd just be sleeping. sleeping sleeping.

sleeping is so nice.. i don't have imaginary friends but i just imagine b etter worlds.., even though my characters are mentally ill.. they lvoe each other and are together.. and in other's worlds like deltarune, people get to hangout with the people they love often even with the pain they're enduring.. even kris has fun sometimes and does things they enjoy even with the horrors they experience.

what do i do? i sit. i sit. i sit. i sit. wwait for oblivion. i make games that get hidden  can't tlak to other game devs caus ei'm freak. make peope uncomfrtable. i die over and over and over and over again. i collect merch of figures i enjoy. i spend money. i crawl out of my skin. i die ove rand over and over again.

usually i'd attribute this to 3am thoughts but to be honest, i sort of feel like this all the time. animal crossing is nice because it's melancholic in a pleasant way. sims 4 is just sort of an escape from everything. minecraft i play with citrus and it's fun- i don't think i'd have fun alone.

i just sort of. am not sure. no more cries for help. no more anything. no one can help me. i work so hard too, but it's never enough. all that's left is oblivion.

i went to a festival yesterday and it was fun, but the weirdest part is that while there, i had random thoguhts like "this hot pot is so good. i wish i could eat yummy food all the time. i'm not sure if eating it occasionally like this is worth it." or "i'd like to go to one of these festivals and watch more of the performances but it's hard because it's hot and everyone is cramped together. perhaps it is not worth experiencing in this format." or "i wish i could table but i'm not sure i'd sell anything or i'd even have fun. i just sort of am not sure how i want to interact with festivals like this."

i think about concerts and love them and going abroad, but working really hard for brief escapes feels silly to me. going from concert to concert never knowing if one will be good. to be honest i don't think anyone will ever give a show like machine girl, and even if they did, well, when will i experience something like that again?

in cartoons and anime, when characters get mad, a vein pops out of their forehead. i sort of feel that  a lot. i get so stressed or sad or angry, i get a migraine.it feels really painful. the long term health ramificaions are something i never want to experience. i'd love to be in a state of bliss aend then fall asleep. like, having the most fun ever. i wish i'd fallen asleep at the end of my japantrip just smiling after a wonderful day or maybe in the middle of it so that i wouldn't have the knwoeldge it'd end soon. mayeb in the countrysides of the UK. maybe during my freshman and sophomore year when i was still having fun in college.

i'm not strong enough for these hard times, and the people around me sort of hate me when i experience them. they hate my perosnality and the core parts of my personality come out when i'm sad. they tell me how merntally ill i am and then ihave to end our friendship ebcause my personality nad mental illness are entwined. i hate being mentally ill, but i jsut am. my disorders are permanent. they cannot be cured or fixed. all i can do is try to come off as normal or mask and i really hate everyone for making me do that.

i don't know. i'm not suicidal. just very tired. i keep going cause there' snothing else to do. i joined a book club and a writing club, but i don't really wanna do anything but think ic ould have fun.  i watch haruhi with my friends and i have fun but trying to do it is always an effort. i join servers beause  i miss socializing knowing i'll end up leaving. lol. have to turn off my dms to avoid being sexually harrassed really, but even then i'll grow to trust someone, and then they start being strange to me anyways.

 i just sort of.

i just sort of.

i don't get it. everyone's so motivated, but all of my good times were done as a result of luck or having winning cards in my hand at the time. money for japan gotten via scholarships, a loan from a friend, and a FASFA fluke. study abroad to UK done via my honors college program that struggles to sort out anything- got lucky they organized something that one time. cards became unlucky.life is miserable again.

...... i have cards i'm betting on but admittedly not sure i'll be able to survive the inevitable end. of my luck. meat girl sort of feels like a catalyst for the end in a lot of ways haha. such a funny thing to think right.

the end. the deindexes. the end of my college time. scholarship decreasing. no more comfy places to stay. my scholarships really only covering fall rent and the last few months sort of being nebulous.

important to not forget the good times but all of those good times happened along bad times- bad things i chose to ignore to have fun.like my birrthday this summer and my struggles to plan it. the issues i was having with ex friends. the ptsd nightmares. the problems with parents. the sleepless RA nights.  the stress about senior year. those times i told myself that those good times made life so worth it, but it's hard.

i'm only allowed to have fun when i have the ability to look at the bright side but when there's nothing godod happening and nothing to look forward to, what do i do? i guess this is a question. my cry for help even though i know there is no resolution. 

wait for game release. dont really care. wait for movie release. dont really care. wait for want one or care. wait for marriage. dont want to get married really.wait.wait. wait.wait.wait.wait/wait.wait.wait.wait. never ending. self sabotage if you don't keep people in your life who talk shit about you cause they can help you get ahead. don't want to network don't want peers who dislike me. just want to exist. bla bla bla.

i always kind of was repulsed by *** because my life would never b enearly as interesting or fun as the ****. i always viewed it as an unhealthy form of escapism but truthfully that's all people can do. escape escape escape. i desire hedonism but escapism isn't that for me. i want to travel and eat delicious food and have fun with friends and meet people who don't get stressed out by me 24/7. 

impossible though! art consumption is the only for sure thing and tha'ts why i like free art! because i can consume it most of the time, even on a public library computer if my laptop breaks! but free art is sort of.. i'm starving and dying! i'm going to die! but whatever atleast i'll die making art! i guess!

didn't mention it in entry but today i played mc for the first time since i moved haha

Hi! I haven't updated so much of August.. I finished up my final RA shifts ever (terrible time- I was up for over 48 hours at one point) and then moved to my apartment. My parents helped me move. They also bought me a DS and a Wii Fit board as a late birthday gift. I spent the next few days after they left cleaning lots. I played video games, worked on commissions, got zine pre-orders up, etc etc. I was very focused so my website was on the backburner.

I also found myself getting in sour moods. Maintenance changed the apartment locks, but getting in contact with staff is a bit exhausting so I ended up waiting until everyone moved in ont he 20th. So I refused to leave my apartment for 2 days in fear of getting locked out then on the 20th I headed down to campus. 

I took pictures. I was in one of my default outfits lol. I put up my rack and everything, so now it's easier to get dressed since I can see all my clothes. That sounds silly. This is because ADHD is stupid.

i took some pics in the library since it's been a while

My room setup was annoying and mainful, but I got there in the end. I need to get hooks to hang some more dresses on the walls, but that is for later haha. I hope to do a room tour for vlogging stuff. I love yapping about decor.

this area was the hardest to figure out. 
i split the bookshelf into two, used the nightstand by my bed as a TV stand,
and used the shortened part of my bookshelf as a nightstand.

I said I didn't do much web development, but this is technically not true. I did some maintenance to rpgmaker.cafe. I figured out how Racknerd's rescue mode work. It was horrifying, but now that I know, life is much easier ahaha. This is because I lost my SSH key with my hard drive erasure.

The rpgmaker.cafe instance was a bit gunked up because I tried to use webmin on it but ended up Hating webmin, and it fucked with a lot of my existing settings. I increased image size uploads for the instance, removed webmin, and did some other NGINX stuff. I want to open it back up and add some more things (a nice embed for links and maybe some other stuff). I ended up doing this a bit unplanned because Webmin was preventing my auto let's encrypt from running.

Anyways, I am going to a festival this weekend and gonna model. Let's hope I don't clown around. Haha. I fall in my shoes sometimes, not because they're too tall but because I am poorly coordinated and forget how to walk. I do it in flats too. Isn't that silly?

Well, to endthis off, I've been playing cozy games. Minecraft today. ACNH randomly. I even have been doing the stretching mini game. Playing it on my CRT while relaxing and thinking about time passing feels like the way God intended me to play this game.

I used to play this game with people who were very cruel and also people I still love (my siblings all have houses on the island). And now I'm away from all of them. I startedthis game as a teenager when Covid started. I was like 15 or 16. The animals still call me kiddo despite how old I am now. My character still has the name of Persona 2 creature I was fixated on at the time. There's so much new stuff yet also unfamiliar things.

It's nice.. It feles similar with Minecraft.So much familiarity yet alien things too. I like chipping away at all my stuff each day though I appreciate my teenage self for being on the turnip grind haha! I never worry about bells.

There's this animal crossing mod I installed for the old AC I plan to play on my wii (the gamecube version). It gives new skin tones and everything, but it sounds kind of overwhelming to start a new game right now, so I'm not in a rush. Taking it easy!

end of distractions

throughout july, i always had things to do (even outside of school). the game jam with WIILT, my dress up game i've been working on and off on, a very long commission queue i was getting through very slowly, applying for jobs, YAYE market, etc etc. i went out a lot too. artfight was around. it was nice keeping busy and always having something to turn to. it distracted me from my problems.

my commission queue is almost empty now. there's two things left- a website and drawing and both are almost finished. my dressup game is out and people have sent me many dolls, dozens.. i haven't kept count. it sparks joy. 

my website is always something i tinker on, but it is a thing that.. hmm.. it's just a thing i tinker on. sharing code doesn't bring me a lot of satisfaction. making FOSS stuff just isn't very fun because i don't think people will use it outside of myself. it's why i lag behind on fixing everything on this blog. i have lots of things i wanna make on this website, but coding also is.. it doesn't bring me the same satisfaction as commissions or game development or anything. 

it's also not just satisfaction.. i have a lot problems in my life and periods of intense focus allow me to not think about those issues. my mom and i aren't talking right now, but she's coming to help me move in 2ish. i need to gather a lot of disability paperwork from various sources.  my migraines are coming and going. some problems clear up over time but others hang over me constantly, like needing to have a consistent form of income but struggling to find a line of work that doesn't make me start killing people.

it also keeps me from talking to others too much. i don't really wanna hangout lately, but also, i do with some friends. irls it's okay, but being online in online conversations for experiences is painful. i get messages from men lately which is scary..

i mainly hangout with girls because men are sort of.. unpredictable since incels behavior is rising in every country, but well, i post pictures of my lolita events on various SNS and one on Rednote/XHS. i limit my interactions on most apps, but don't mind interactions generally. i have no desire to be popular. i post for archival reasons! also because the girls on XHS are nice.. it's a female dominated app which is great.

um, anyways, i posted something and it has 60,000 views. the post gets larger everyday. it has over 700 comments last i checked and over 8k likes. it makes me happy because lots of girls post in the comments and are very happy, but also men send me message requests and one was "can I be your slave?" someone tried to call me a slur too though it was so pathetic i just laughed. 

i got a few random hate comments, but it was kind of nothing. i'm really overwhelmed by all of the attention. i feel bad not responding to everyone. lots of girls are posting in the comments or staying problems they have wearing EGL at home. i want to support and be nice to everyone, especially because so many are so sweet but i think my brain has melted completely. 

anyways, the random virality that can  happen on XHS is quit a lot so i may be more careful with my posting there haha! my games r supposed to be popular.. not my lolita posts..

i haven't been up to much of anyhting outside of that.. and being on call sometimes.. i'll be on call a lot over the next two weeks, but even then, i don't do much while on call to be honest. maybe it'll give me a good excuse to leave my dorm more often haha. 

i should edit this blog blog's framework some more.. get the categories working.. add a listening to, how am i feeling/status thing to the blog posts.. would be fun. maybe it's time to edit the theme again too..

thinking about alien 9 a lot and gonna watch some old Yoshitashe abe works soon on my beautiful CRT. i should burn DVDs so i can play whatever i want. are blu-rays more popular because people don't burn them? I have no idea.