My birthday is july 25th. did you know that? i looked through my entries and it looks like i don't update often on my birthday. in 2022, i wrote

'I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been so busy. But, I’m 19! Isn’t that wild. Next year I’m 20, which is terrible.' Apparently that day i was thinking about my mom burning my killstar cardigan jaja. I still talk about that sometimes haha... Mention it in passing in conversations with frinds when talking about my history with alternative clothing.

Anyways, today was nice. I finished my self hosting guide which I need to officially add to the links today. I've been sort of out of it.. Demotivated as one might say, so doing that and seeing some people use it after thinking no one would is nice. I had comments on on the post on Bluesky but knew I'd limit them.. I did even faster than I thouhgt I would haha.

People are kind. I got too used to being around people who can't read things I have to say no matter how much I simplify them because they get overwhelmed. This is a common trait among humans- panicking at long text dumps or just not understanding them / finding them overwhelming / associating it with anger, but with guides it's nice... Sometimes people use them. Sometimes they don't.

If someone wants to reach out to me, they can, but I have such limited ways to contact me that a lot of people don't bother unless they're really putting in effort to make something and need to ask me for help to proceed. I don't really like talking about concepts or random ideas when guiding someone because it's a waste of energy. It's why I always procrastinate on making free resources and ask people to pay me for things. You can do a lot for someone, but they won't use it. But if I'm paid, even if they don't use it, I have money now. You understand yes?

Anyways, I talk about birthday now. I went downtown with my girlfriend and comm members Eden and Heather (+ comm members family members). I got gifts from everyone and Eden says they'll give me a belated gift that has parts currently in shipping hell.

Heather gave me a Summer Tales Boutique tote bag which is a  delight. I'm very tote bag pilled.. But a lot of EGL tote bags are too small, so i'm happy! She also gave me a Moitie necklace with a cross. I'm so so happy. My girlfriend gave me a Kuromi to go in my collection which delights me. We talked a lot later. She said gift giving makes her anxious, and she likes to ask people what they want. I dislike telling someone a gift I want in advance as for me the fun of a gift is someone knowing what I like and giving it to me, but she told me having a list of stores I like is good too (which made me happy because I have so many stores).

The kuromi is perfect of course. NEVER ENOUGH KUROMIS. Esp since I have an apartment in August. One of my roommates will have Mikus. I'll have Kuromis. Moefie the world.

We got dessert at a bakery at the start of the day, but I took no pictures of my sweets. I got a strawberry donut and ice cream + roobois tea. I'm going to get ice cream at dessert places usually now. I just.. like ice cream more than a pastry. 

Outside the bakery, we took some pics in some corners.

my cutiepie wife and lone coord photo

Later on we went to an Episcolpian church. I kept giving my wife my parasol. I dote on her a lot. I don't like the sun, but she's so pale she gets sunburn. She didn't think the parasol would be helpful, but after our fair date, she was surprised that she wasn't as sunburned as she'd usually be after an outing like that. So I tried to keep her covered most of today.

It was nice to get crowded photos.It's nice that it was my birthday because I could ask for photos and not feel annoying. The church photos really delight me. We're all so crowded. Even one of the girl's is in Milk and I found the other child's leapord / cheetah print to be cute. I hope when I go to Guilded Age, I can get more pictures like this, but it's hard for me to ask.. I felt bad as the youngest child was very bored, but I know kids are often like that ahaha.

We walked back down the street and hungout at a vintage store for a bit. I was getting tired, but was unsure of why, so I took a lot of low effort photos haha.

I tried a curling gel for the first time. I think it kept my hair pretty normal  despite the humidity, but I think it could be even better as I added the gel days after twisting. I want to wash my hair tonight maybe. Yes. I really should tonight. It's so late, but I'm so tired. I need to wash some socks too by hand haha.

Eden bought a beautiful white dress. I didn't really look around. I rarely find things in these kind of stores aside from pajamas, and I didn't see in nightgowns here. While sitting there, we realized many of us were hungry, so we headed to where we planned to eat.

The sushi was yummy. I've been into really simple rolls lately (though this isn't as simple as I go for recently.) They are always easy on my stomach and on Wednesdays, I can get them for really cheap - like $5 - $7, and usually I just need one to be okay. 

That's about all we did today! My girlfriend drove me back home, and we were lovey dovey in the car. She can be hard to read, but I think this is a good thing as it forces me to communicate. I like her so much. I like when her seeing her skin turn a bit red when she's embarrassed. I like that her hair is bleached right now as she convinces herself to dye it. That she procrastinates, that she likes piercings and tattoos.

I like seeing her on her phone and thinking about the fandoms she likes. I like that she talks to me about ships she loves. I love her. I love her. I don't wanna leave this area next year. I want to be with her so so much. I want to be with her. When we seperate, I never want her to leave. I'm happy she came today. It means so much to me..

It's hard to know. I think she knows. Emotions can be impossible to communicate, but I think she knows a lot about my feelings and I like to hear... She's also very empathetic, so maybe she's just nice. Or maybe she speaks so sweetly because she loves me.. Hehe..

She said her job is to be my number one fan.. She like swhen my hair gets puffy... She always thinks I'm beautiful.. In her car with ym dress spread out over the seat as she drove, i felt like a little doll riding in the car with my loved one. It made me really happy.

Sorry, so much gushing! I love her! I love her! I can't believe I found her!!

I must sleep now haha. It's late!! I finished before 12AM though! Birthday post made!

Hello! Hello! I wrote this entry and got to 900+ words then accidentally deleted it. I've done this multiple times but that entry was actually interesting to me, so I finally added a confirmation script before closing the page. It works easily and I found it with a simple Qwant search on stackoverflow. I am such a clown, but well, perhaps it was best to direct inwards anyways.

Anyways, that's okay. We'll see how much I want to talk this go around. Today I stopped by the Post Office and got a letter from the largest medical provider in the area that I could now get medically necessary procedures free of charge until December. Isn't that delightful? I am a bit worried about what they deem to be 'medically necessary' but I hope to call them tomorrow and ask about it.

Coords that aren't really lolita but still use my lolita sensibilities are fun. My hair and the sockless rhs combo reminds me of VW. It'd be perfect with a big chunky orb but the rosary my wife gave me makes me happy too.

I will now talk about Elisity's birthday. We went to a more rural part of Appalachia, and I rode with Elisity. I stopped by her apartment and met a cat named chicken nugget. I saw him when we were in the parking lot from outside the window. Orange, pretty sweert. He sniffed my fingers, but didn't seem comfortable with me rubbing him, so I didn't attempt to. 

I stood around a bit awkwardly, but it was nice talking to Elisity's friends. It made me feel very normal. Which I know sounds weird, but I've been rather on edge. Thinking about my abusers because a recent situation is playing out in a similar way to the end of that friendship, but well, it's not nearly as bad. In truth, I am not mad at anyone and msotly just upset because it's sending me back to the past. I am gettng overly cautious, avoiding people, asking for reassurance. Everyone in my life now is very sweet to me about this, but I'm still always scared.

Elisity's family member is one of those people who has lots of unfinished projects across their land. I have some family member's like that too but I'm not on their property too much outside of family reunions or random visits with Granny. Granny and I don't go out as much as we used to since people tend to get more disabled as they age, so I don't get to visit those places much anymore. This place felt very homey to me but also different in that there were so many hills. 

Rural areas in different regions always feel like home despite the qualities that are alien to me, so this ended up being one of my favorite lolita meets. I also just love being invited to birthday parties. I don't remember the order in which everyone arrived, but of course when Heather came, I followed her around like a small duckling.

She wore a blouseless coord and looked so pretty! She also had a parasol, and we took many pictures together.

i like these pics a lot because we're reminiscient of mushrooms

We took more too. I got a candid of her looking into the distance, and I wanted to get a pic of us showing off our rings. 

 
Make shift brass knuckles huh.

I am so happy I have a tripod now and am not really shy about taking photos. Heather likes them as much as I do, so it's always fun going to meets with her. She isn't into creepy things as much as me, but she does like cemeteries! Perhaps because it's a location alt people go in general across all subcultures? Or because they're beautiful and have lovely statues? I should ask her about this someday.

I took photos with other friends too and also captured some video of us meowing happy birthday.

We never take photos together for some reason. Eden doesn't come to many meets, and when they do, I guess we're usually focused on other things (like eating sushi). These are probably some of the only proper photos I have with them?

You guys don't know what I'd do to eat more of these scones.. I just messaged Elisity for the recipe

The food was yummy, and the table was cute. There was more, but I was at the end of the table, so pictures were hard to get (and also I didn't want to snap while people were chewing). The cake was also cute though I didn't eat a slice because I'd stuffed myself with chicken salad croissants.

Elisity and her cake

I asked Elisity for photos too. I don't think we get to hangout a lot despite being at the same meets. I like Elisity because she is always stating her mind without worrying about how she is perceived by others, and she's a smart and strong person. I really respect her a lot!

today she wore sweet!

She wears sweet and classic and is considering getting Gobelin teddy. If she does, I will make twinning happen. Elisity comes to enough of the meets that I can ask her about it consistently, and she isn't too far from me either! It'd be a different cut and color, but i still think it'll be so cutes.

At the end of the meet, I started to get a headache. I was in and out of Heather's car cause.. I wasn't paying attention when brewing my teas and drank caffeine. I also drank sweet tea which also had caffeine. So I Died. I sat in the car listening to migraine sounds, but found excedrin in my bag. Eden brought me water, and I took it.

It did start to rain though so I got back in the car because being wet makes me insane lol, especially in that OP because it is so light. I'd be a soaking wet cat. I felt bad for not cleaning up but rain. 

Elisity and other friends went to Miniso and out for Hibachi, but Heather took me home since she was headed back and I was dying a bit. I wanted to go, but I was a bit tired and also broke and I knew if I stayed out, my headache would not get better.

The meet was very insightful to me. I like seeing everyone talk and their views on things. We talked about Ethel Cain's past racism which made me comfortable since people spoke prettty candidly on their thoughts. It's on my mind because when riding back, Heather and I saw this big confederate flag that said 'heritage not hate' (which makes no sense).

I don't really hate anyone for their beliefs even if I don't feel safe around them or want to stay away from them, but hearing a lot of my comm members talk openly about Ethel's actions was nice to me. I don't listen to Ethel because I don't like her music, so I didn't have many thoughts other than 'it doesn't surprise me' because a lot of people from back that sphere back then (nicole dollanganger, lana del rey, etc) were weird in various ways (including being racist), but well, I like.. that they thought about how they wanted to engage with Ethel's work knowing she was so openly racist and still does weird shit from time to time.

It's like..hard to bring that kind of thing up to people so I avoid doing so. Truthfully I avoid doing it myself because I don't really care a lot of the time, and if I'm hanging out with someone and they start voicing things that make it obvious they don't care about black people's wellbeing at all to the point where they say things that are actively harmful to us, I can't hangout with them.

I don't expect everyone to care about us, but well, for people I am close to, it's important that they're aware of.. that. Especially in white dominated areas in the South. I experience a lot of racism but don't talk about it outside of my black friends or my girlfriend, so it was nice that they all discussed it without me even prompting them. It allows me to get closer to them...

I'm just having a nice time lately. I've been going out lots. Mom and granny say they don't know anyone who goes out as much as me haha which is a bit embarrassing but fun! My antique shops, my caves, visiting friends, tea parties, bakeries, it's what I live for! Life is scary still, but all of these activities reminds me of why it's so fun to keep living!

Even my online activities have been nice! Making new dev peers, reading lots of vns (the toxic yuri vn jam has 211 entries, crazy, I won't be reading all of them and told Kyou 'rest in peace' lovingly of course). I think I'll spend a lot of this week taking it easy. Do some dev, work on my dollmaker, artfight attacks, etc etc.

Thank you for reading! Please stay safe, especially if it's hot where you are!

today was ash's birthday. she is a comm member who joined this year. she wears a lot of bodyline and actually has a piece that is very nostalgic to me that i never actually posted to this diary due to being tired of HTML and going through a lot of things at the time. they are very pleasant so I will share them here since i never finished my february entry back then. i have many pleasant pictures from that day but filling up this entry with them feels a bit silly...

back then we were in this strange haunting buildings. her dress is pleasant to me.. it feels like something i'd see from an old magazine. i think it might've been from 2008 or something. i don't know. it made me rather nostalgic or perhaps connected with my current sensibilities since i started wearing old school in 2022 haha.

anyways, that was my first time meeting Ash. this was my second time hanging out with her? or perhaps third. i believe second. the cafe we met at was a small town that was rather pleasant. there a big event happening making parking a bit difficult, but it was kind of funny.

heather ordered a crème brûlée, and i got a very large brownie. the brownie was gigantic and almost the length of my hand. i ate half of it, then a fly landed on it haha. i realized i'd eaten a lot anyways. i also had a breakfast sandwich though i kind of regret it because i find eggs kind of gross and have for a while, yet i keep eating them out of habit. no more breakfast sandwiches! remember mala!

everyone was wearing tea parties. i don't own any because they don't suit my coords or the era i'm into, but it was really cute and fun to see! i wanted to wear my rocking horse shoes today, but they are still in the storage unit (since i've been moving a lot- it's another reason i've been too stressed to update). i'll have everything out of storage by august and bein my apartment. i hope life is less stressful then!

a lady offered to take pictures of us which made me very happy. we got quite a few but here are two of them. i was laughing a lot, so it was really hard to look like a proper goth!

heather and i decided to go to another town where we visited a comm member who owns a very cool shop. i think i'm going to try vending my patreon prints there! there's a handmaking/crafts club that does irl events a few times a month, but it's hard for me to vend myself because i have a lot of classes in fall and spring ever year. having it in a shop would be so nice. the vending spots are cheap, and midi has owned the store for a very long time. i've been looking for a store like this for a while. i can't believe my comm was the answer! <-- actually not very surprising.

i got some pictures in the shop.

 Midi's shop was cool. She let me look at her 2000s manga tarot deck which I was excited about.I have been looking for a tarot deck. It's in someone's possession, but I have no idea who's haha. It's okay though. I want a new one. I was considering seeking out Yoshitake Amano's but.. No tarot deck satisfies me. I think I may make my own someday as a result.

Midi made us tea with brews she blended herself and we talked tea (as lolitas do). I asked her about her teabags. I have a small metal diffuser,but it's rather annoying and finicky to use. The bags seemed much easier, and she said she got biodegradable ones from Amazon. Good.. good. She also explained to me how she blended her teas. I'd like to blend my own someday! 

in the cat returns, tea blends made by Baron is mentioned, and it really fascinated me.. perfecting tea until it's perfect... though i like so many teas. most tea is perfect (though i tried red roobois at a local cafe recently with milk, honey, and cinnamona and it was so delicious!) midi liked that cafe too. you get a discount if you make an over $5 purchase at an anitque shop nearby! which is easy for me since i buy so much antique jewelry and am an antique nightgown fan! i got a $5 nightgown recently a big chunky necklace, the one i wore in today's coord actually.

afterwards, we left midi's place and went to an old historic building. it used to be an important government building, but now it's just used for events. it was actually very useful for us for a reason i cannot state, so i am happy! i also saw the rooms weren't too expensive. i wish i could host some kind of small shopping event there!! but that requires so many resources.

it was really delightful and fun! such a pretty little (large) building. it was kind of funny seeing something so grand so empty. it was also nice because we could take pictures without being bothered! 

also, afterwards, there was an episcopal church nearby. there's a lot of beautiful episcopal churches in this area which is delightful for me as a catholic (in aesthetic only (sorry catholics)). i'm not going to lie. i don't know anything about episcopal practioners but i do know they sure can build a church (which is the only thing i appreciate about catholics. apparently, episcopalians fall between catholicism and protestantism. so i guess they want to make beautiful houses for gods like catholics do.

a women watched us then asked if heather also wanted a picture. heather mainly went there for me. i am the person in the comm most obsessed with pictures haha <--- the tripod haver (my new tripod has a remote actually which is so delightful!)

it was so beautiful. thepictures don't capture them (especially considering they are heavily compressed). if you live near beautiful architectrue, you should take many pictures there or just bask in the work of the architect! episcopal churches have red doors like some of the catholic churches in England.. interesting interesting..

this entry took a while to write. i was very annoyed after a while (with image management) which is why i added cmyk. i need to build an editor/uploader as good as fc2's (or find one). it's hard to use emojis when tinycmk doesn't let me use floats! it has its own default emojis too (the like.. standard emojis you know), but you know i love line stickers and zine stickers, etc etc. there was another editor i saw that wasn't tinycmk so i will test it jaja!

thank you so much for reading. it was nice making an entry. this was my first meet of summer, and it was so fun. the next meet won'tbe nearly as picture heavy because it's a casual sushi meet, but i hope to still write about it.

i slacked so much the first half of this year because of the horrors, but i am manifesting that life will improve! many of the things that made me unhappy (my job, my housing, a lot of my physical health ailments) are going away or improving, and i'm finally growing a spine thank you my friends for the encouragement)!! and my life is much simpler now!! there's so much beauty in my future!!