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please please please please

I don't understand why murderers can be killed by the american government but assisted suicide is inhumane. i'd go in the electric chair!!!!!! inject me with something! fire squad me!! the government wants me dead yet they don't kill me openly because of sensibilities. let me ask for it! everyone treats me like my death by suicide is inevitable anyways!

the hangman's jig is scary. i have always known about rate of errors with hanging and how high it is, even if a professional does it (ie how they used to do it when executions were a thing in the UK, people often hanged longer than intended but the British love to watch people suffer).

i really think everything is scary all the time. i put off things constantly because they're scary but not just that, because they have the capacity to ruin my life. it keeps happening over and over. i wrote a long desperate plea for help about my housing though never sent it to anyone because there's no one to send it to.

everyone i my family keeps telling me to pray. they are very magical thinkers. it is hard to really take seriously when i think as a child my life mostly consisted of praying. praying for mother to not be drunk when i got home (it was always a 50/50 chance in the end. she would either be insane or sprawled out somewhere, or she'd be in the kitchen staring at me over the counter, cooking while smiling) praying for the suffering to stop, praying for some kind of success that would save me from the eendless drudgery.

my psychotic tendencies i often blame on that prayer. COVID was this terrible thing but for a psychotic girl who prayed for years for something to make everything freeze for a moment, it felt like God had almost answered, but in a way it was also the tearing down of every belief i had. my grandad had dementia and was immunocompromised. it was a miracle he did not get sick, but it intensified my mother's anti-vax and conspiralist tendencies. but i knew what was happening in cities like New York, the piles of bodies and the nurses who were overworked.  mother was no longer a nurse anymore though she still spoke and continues to speak like one. she knows what's happening because she used to be in the hospital, even if the nurses are saying what she believes is distinctly incorrect.

maybe that was the beginning of th end? i don't know. maybe it was the oriiginal presidency. mother was already more conservative but everyone got pushed over the edge. i went from being told to come out of the closet by family members encouragingly to being spoken to like i was a normal christian girl who was being led astray. i am wicked. i am wicked. i don't understand why i am wicked for dressing a bit weirdly when you drank vodka for years. i don't understand. it's why i prayed for death for so long or to just be takenout of th eworld. as a kid, i'd envision myself in the sky, floating above everyone in the world. the sky was blue and i couldn't see anyone. they could not reach me and i cold not reach them. i was forced to sit in that bubble, and of course, i'd dream of comas. no one would take care of me.

maybe that's what it goes back to in the end. i was formed without warning, so i am just here. the peopel who helped me when i was younger have moved on with their lives and i love my darling siblings, but they were born on purpose. i am just here. motehr talks about them and i can tell she has many plans for them while she was just figuring things out with me. now i am a failure, sitting in an apartment 8 hours away. it's over for me soon. i'm going to die here.

i think i always knew it was true. maybe it was why i liked vloggers as a kid? i wathced people i intepreted as being like me. thought hey werren't like me. many of them turned out to be normal people who got jobs later or had families or made all their wealth and lived comfortably. i saw the internet as a potential future but well, the people i liekd most never made money like the ones with thousands or millions of views on sites like YouTube. they made games and disappeared. some i know still are struggling.

i had this old friend who could never understand my art desperation. he had no audience at the time and i didn't really either. the people who orbited my art were friends or mutuals i formed relationships with via hanging out, but i guess to him that was something compared to the friendships he longed to have. i don't really know though. i kind of hate him now even if i feel empathy.

i think i keep making these because i know how i'll go out and i just think itt will probably be soon. there is no solution to being born incorrectly and being abandoned by the people who said they'd never abandon you. and even if they come back, i'll be endlessly abused anyways. sometimes you can get back on your feet, but i don't see a way too in a world that wants me dead. i've been trying for a long time but no one believes me, except for thos ewho have the capacity to listen bt no apacity to really help me out of this.

no. the more i look it seems like society has accepted some people are just suicide bound  and that's all i guess. you can display every warning and be told "that's not good" and  be left to your devices. do they still thinnk i'm too scared? for onc ethey are correct. but well, at least since i know no one wants to help anymore (and the people who want to help really don't have the capacity too), i can die somewhere. do you think when i die my family will put off getting my body? or how long will it take for me to be found?i wish i could rot so severely that i could never be identified or eaten by wild animals. maybe that'll give my family some plausible deniability of "maybe she escaped!"

my sister asked m e if i liked life. i asked nervously, repeating over and over why she was asking and my answer changed a few times before i uncomfortably said yes. she said she recorded it then deleted it. it really confused me. it feels like a spell is being cast on me. 

i have the place in mind to avoid rotting in my apartment, but part of me wants to clean it first, but it won't matter. it will probably all be thrown away anyways. 

good evening!

i have gotten sick at my job 3 times. i have gotten the flu, i got something else i couldn't really get diagnosed after being charged $300 for the flu, and now i have a stomach bug. i also have made more errors than anyone else in our department. #ThisIsPeopleUsedSlursToDescrcibeMyActionsAsIGrewUp.

why haven't i been updating? because working makes me a shell of a human unfortunately. i have been looking at other jobs and buying things to die with because my family just doesn't seem to want me around anymore. they seem to also think i'm going to end up nowhere. very bizarre. 

i wish the world could end. send a big asteroid at us. i bet i could have a fun party and a good time. mother and i did not talk for several days because i was dying. granny keeps telling me to pray. it really does feel like k-12 again but this time if you fuck up, you diiie.

lately life is so agonizing i can't imagine why it would be like this, and i end up in my "god has to want me dead spirals. this makes no sense." i talk to my family and feel worse. i go to work and feel worse. i get money and just go "i'm paid well but on the edge of losing a job i just obtained and despite being paid well, ic an still barely afford rent." am i dreaming? if i die, will i wake up? or was this the result a girl being born who shouldn't have been?

first my washing machine broke then the stopper on the tub. every time i tallk to mom she goes "oh no that's bad" and when i wonder about coming home. they can't even hide their disdain at the idea. i looked into joining religious communes, but i know it'd take a miracle to get me to believe in anything. i wish nunship was still a thing. i could worship god all day. i used to do it before fun before i realized no matter how hard i tried or what i did, i'd be viewed as forever sinful by everyone around me. sorry for being weird i guess.

every job that'd appeal to a loser who's only skills are online bullshit end up being scams. the ones that pay well and the ones that pay more realistic amounts.  mother called and said i should've gone to work but i was too sickt his morning to go because americans go to work when they are sick. everyone keeps saying i'm doing things wrong even if i do the things they said i did. everything i do is always wrong and i'm going insane.

i have a neuro appointment april 8th but it wont Matter if i lose my job. everyone wants to remind me i'm going to lose my job but they also want to remind me i can keep it if i try really hard- like i'm not already trying really hard ands till being told to do better do better!!!!! Like I didn't reach out about my concerns and immediately be given an insult to my character than be told it wasn't personal.

no. honestly. i feel as though life has been tremendously difficult leaving me with alower capacity for suffering. everyoneelse seems to be able to tolerate, but i just end up becoming some kind of blurry entity. i am not a girl, but just some thing. i work, i go home, i work, i go home.  i reach out about my suffering- everyone reminds me i'm always suffering.

part of me wants to continue to exist. when i think about killing myself, i think "i need to put money into my server and domains so i can exist for a bit longer" <-- this has already been solved. because i want my presence to exist and i want to be liked and loved and etc etc etc. i want to be seen as someone worthy of living who shouldn't die. in the end i know if i kill myself i'll be a statistic and dressed in clothes i hate at my funeral. this bothers me, but it doesn't matter. and well, if i go somewhere my body won't be found, then it matters less. though i admittedly don't have anywhere in mind like that.

you have to  just live!!! i don't want to though!! and god i mean i do but i can't!!!! i'm not strong enough!!

i wanted to post i have new hair though the stress i experience and my exhaustion making it hard to take pictures smiles. do you think if i died, i'll wake up in a reality that doesn't want me dead? and i can feel good about myself again? i have so many pictures but i can't even post them. i have no energy to sort through them. this was in the therapy restroom. they can't really help me much anymore either really.

i try t keep entries positive but i don't really have energy to write when i have the energy to be positive. all that positivty goes towards living but the well is dried up. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.

lately i think i could die alone in my apartment. no one would come to help me. i'd be sitting there dead until my roommates smelled my corpse. the door would be locked so it'd probably be police that discovered me. my family wouldn't know. on life360 i'm always at my house. they'd just know i'm not picking up the phone, but no one calls me- no one other than my grandmother and she is used to me being busy.

no. i would be dead in my apartment and no one would know. i'd be eight hours from home with maggots and flies eating my corpse. my old friend swould go "it's not surprising she killed herself. she was always so negative. it's why we're not friends anymore." i'd make my current friends very sad, but i'm not sure anyone would be surprised either.

my sisters. i don't really want to think about it. why can't i just go to sleep for a long time. i just keep hoarding things and putting charcoals in my cart. sleeping medicine. etc etc.

i don't want anyone to be sad. i meanother people make me sad all the time. but children blameless in the end. i don't want to do that to them. i never would and i could not. i make everyone sad just being around them and i know death is the greatest sadness. for people i've loved and people i hate and people i try not to think about. i don't want my story to end with Death, but i also see no way out for a girl like me. 

but i can't live like this. i'm only really here for them i think. and well. maybe there's  a way out. but there isn't really. i was so close . i was so close. i was so close . i was so close. but it was only temporary. that closeness was an illusion. i'm really a stupid fucking idiot in the end. 

there's nothing there's nothing out there. there's so much out there but i can't reach it. there's nothing out there. i really do hate everyone i think even if i love them so much too.