i had wonderful day with my wife yesterday but i can't write about it because by the time i got to the end of the entry, i'd be in a lot of pain. that's all i wanted to say. i am restless and in pain. want to create and 

in pian. imagine working so hard to make life you want but being in too much pain to experience it properly. imagine eating to feel better but being punished by your body for eating.

never win! but at least i saw my wife~ invigorating me~ i'm so happy~ though i died after the date~ because love is like morphine but after she was gone the pain took over and i died~~~

and no one gives a fuck when a girl in in pain! they just care about what she can give them really, so when she reaches out for help, there's nothing she can give you! you have to leave her to suffer. but. hm.

that's not really true. people helped me buy groceries today. i'm just silly and in pain so i'm being a cunt. you know. i wish i could just die and be an animated corpse! the pain would be gone! i'd already be dead! nerves can't warn a dead person!

I recently have been rather ominous when discussing media and overdramatic. "Something bad is coming" "Something terrible is happening to me." Unfortunately, I realize what it is now. The hyperfixations.

Hyperfixations can last anywhere from a few hours to months or even years, with the duration depending on the individual and the specific interest. Short-term fixations might involve a specific video game or a TV show, while longer-term ones can be related to hobbies or learning new skills. The intensity of the fixation can also vary and eventually decrease over time. 

So, obviously you can tell it's Radio Man, but it must be understood it's been quite some time since I had a full blown hyperfixation on a character or media. Perhaps years. It's something I have a tendency to deny due to a annoying old factors in my life that led to me to becoming a different person.

Truly, I sort of forgot I could get like this.

It's not what can autism do for me, but what autism Will do to me. There are many things currently making me insane, but well, I sort of desires to fixate on a person, this desire grew stronger, but I didn't realize.. That person can be fictional.


I've been feeling very very bad- for months and months and mmonths and months. The endless cycle of shame and guilt and  insecuritty, but now I can be free and cringe FREELY. Haha, my ex roommate used to look at my interests and say I was like a wasp, a striped wasp that you need to stay away from. But he loved me. He loooved me soo much. He loved me. A groomer loved me! No one else could love a girl who's so cringe and has so many red flags. It's like hello kitty girl times 10.

On Tuesday I have an autism evaluation. Isn't that neat?

I've had many things to write about. I did sit down to write one of them, but there's a bizarre bug in the blog I cannot place resulting in entries sometimes failing to be saved. I'm silly and like to just publish things without checking. I had this feeling the entry would not publish, and yet I didn't do anything before it failed to save. Why do I not care? About these things I've worked so hard to build?

On Tuesday I have an autism evaluation. Autism evaluations. Does it really even matter? I'm anxious about not getting diagnosed, but if I do, nothing will change. Nothing will change. The world is not any easier after diagnosis. If anything, it gets a lot harder.

Everything sounds the same and is the same and everything is the same everyday and I can't keep track of time passing and I'll be jobless in some weird endless spiral. But maybe I'll have an autism diagnosis! Or maybe I won't! What does it matter? What do I do?

People will still call me mentally ill or call me the R slur in a convoluted way. I'll make games in fear of death approaching before I can say everything I want to say. But am I saying the things I want to now? I'm not really sure at all.

Will I get results the day of? Or will it take months? If it's a no, how will I feel? Things have gone wrong in every possible way this year, and I really hate everyone for allowing that to be the case, but ultimately it's my fault in the end. No one is obligated to care about me. Whether or not I have a disorder. 

I've been playing games with Citrus. That's pretty fun. And sometimes going out. But it never feels like enough. I feel like I'm in some constant melted state, and nothing will help me recover. Everyone is laughing at me. Everyone can see I'm a loser, and they're laughing haha! But at least I know I'm a loser and I'm having fun when I'm not in despair!

I've been playing Lethal Company and REPO and Stardew Valley and Second Life and going out with friends but the agony doesn't leave. I'm tired. You're the reason I'm tired. Can't you just leave already?

the skyis so nice. the patio is so nice. you have to go out and look at them.

i like when i take a bath after i crying. i like when the water is so hot it burns. it used to hurt too much fon back, but now i can submerge myself into it, only feeling the heat of the water. it's all that is needed.

everyday i wake up. and i wish i did not. i don't know what i'm doing here. i started thinking to myself "i need to work on the static site archives of my tutorials and resources before it's too late" and i wasn't even thinking 'i'm going to kill myself.' at this point, i just know i am not going to live. there's nothing for me to wait out. it's just over for me after this unless i can get the willpower to survive this suffering. and to be honest, i feel like, even if i get that willpower, my body is always in so much pain that it's impossible.

sometimes i think to myself college isn't that bad but then i end up going to class, and they decided to teach me about hate speech or something and i decide to be extremley vulnerable only to get 2.5 points out of a 100 point assignment for some reason that is never explained. and past me could've asked why but this is 2025 me, and i just can't do this anymore.

and then i talk to my mom and she starts the gaslighting and cruelty and i remember if i fuck up college, i have nowhere to go. it's over for me.

if i go back to my mom i'll die, but i can't function in the current college atmosphere. i can't check my notifications or my assignments and i can hardly be on campus. one funny thing is mom constantly gaslights me into thinking things aren't as bad as i remember.

she never 'doesn't believe me when i don't feel bad' like she didn't refuse to take me to the doctor all winter break. i have no reason 'to not be afraid of meds' only to right after admit she knew less about medication in 2022 while still not admitting any fault then going 'i'm a lot' THEN why do you wanna manage my meds if you don't want to deal with me.

people send kind messages cheering me on, but the problem is that cheering me on doesn't end abuse. i'm going to end up lying in my bed doing nothing eventually. i can't live with my mom. i can't hold a job. i recently find myself watching things about internet 'lolcows' and so many of their societal failings i also share. it makes me want to be more motivated to not end up in a similar situation only for me to lie in bed and experiencce terror or go to bed at 6pm again. 

endless cries for help. i'll probably go on meds again, but in truth i just sort of hope i don't wake up at all. i dont' wanna be on medication (though it's what i'm reaching out for in  hopes it'll give me willpower again) i don't wanna be in college. i don't wanna go home.

my mom kept gaslighting me over and over. there's a lot going on. i can't really think about it, but she's going to end up turning me into a shell of a person again if i let her keep going. i need to find some solution before everything ends, but i know she won't help me find that solution while insisting that everything is my fault despite the resources i have. it's hard to keep believing this though when she keeps telling me i'm making everything up. 

anyways i think github is more reliable than neocities so i guess i back them up on github and neocities or maybe just github idk  lol. i feel like i can automate a way for ophanimkei to be static since it's PHP reliant and no more content is generated with JS (including my statuses!)

that is to say i'm not planning to kill myself, but i remember a long time ago learning a lot of suicidal people are impulsive. like there's so many ads about stopping people from buying rope at the store or something, but plenty of deaths are caused by someone just being sad, going somewhere that doesn't make it hard to kill yourself like  tall building, and then going "it'd be so easy" and just doing it.

i scared of dying but lately i get these extreme urges in bed. i'll lie down and look online. "if i had money for this, i'd buy it then it'd sit in my room and eventually i'd finally end my life with it when it's too much" and who's not to say i'd do that for some tall building. 

hi, i just watched video today and was thinking about it. kennie jd talked about ned fulmer's podcast and the empathy she has for ariel.

(if you don't know about this cause you're not online at all, basically an internet personality, ned fulmer, who's identity was being with his wife, ariel). here's the video if you give a damn about that. 

kennie jd discusses the physical reactions you can see in ariel, the trauma responses. she also talked about how relationships have a certsain amount of trust required and hoping for the best. the path to getting to marriage requires large amounts of trust and faith in another.

kennie jd talked abt finding out a guy she went to college with and discovering he was a predator and how it ruined all sense of safety and how nothing is good. 

i think, erm, lately i feel like this over and over. i'm trying hard to talk to others again. doing art trades, socializing, etcetera etcetera, but it never feels like enough. all safety permanently shattered because people keep continously worming their way into my life and doing something insane to me.

the people who befriended me only to reveal later they view me as sexual object. the people who befriended me only to become more ableist over time. the pathological liar who pretended to relate to me and lied ot my face so openly,t hat made me insane. my ex roommates who shattered every hope and dream i had the year i turned 18. everything. everything.

it's too much. really. and i always think it's nothing. i mean some of its major but everyone talks about online fallouts/bad people like entertainment sources or things worthy of 'callout posts' but it was never really that to me. it's just. pain. it's just this hole. i talk to someone and there's always shadows of doubt. the desire to leave my house is gone because everyone is a liar and people who do things in good faith will still hurt you because they don't understand you due to various things: mental disorders, sexuality differences, gender differences, ethnicity, etc etc. 

i don't really know what to do with this. i just. feel like. i'm hurt. it's hole. hole. hole. hole. bleeding all the time, but weirdly enough  panty and stocking has reminded me to continue having faith in girls. my sitsers. my fellow bitches. i love other black girls especially, especially lesbians, because lesbians are so women focused, but i still have been talking to other girls who i don't know and just commiserate.

i feel a bit dead inside so i haven't been super active in EGL spaces or on social media. i just don't trust people there. everything on social media is cliquey, and to be honest, i know i also come off as being part of a clique because i have my own close frieend group and looser connections. cliques are so natural, but i hate being singled out in these cliques.

EGL feels insane righ tnow because it's such a money focused fashion. the tariffs in US and things not being shipped here and just SNS-focused nature of lolita in its current form is very difficult for me. i wish there was a forum or that livejournal wa sa thing again. still lov etumblr though.

anyways, speaking of forums, i've been using reddit from time to time and really other forums. i'm trying to get more active on them again. the forums i used as a kid and teen no longer exist or were eating disorder focused and obviously that's not ideal. i dislike reddit. it is not a proper forum to me (with categories to section out things i don't wanna see, etc etc), but it will do for now. unfortunately other forums i've found are  abit too negative.  reddit is very negative, but it's easy to find fun things too if i look hard enough.

toyhouse is fine though the issue is that the forums are connected to your profile, and i feel this limits my operations, though i think i'll be okay in the end. i can set up some simple ones that link to my catalogue for people wanting more info. the toyhouse community can't really read nowadays anyways- like many online communities, so the short blurbs i have now with links to the catalogue is probably ideal anyways.

i crave feelings of normalcy and casual conversation now due to feeling like that cannot be afforded to me and also since i have no money right now, returning to art bartering is nice. it's something i enjoyed a lot as teen, so it feels like a return to form, you get me?

i reconnected with an old friend group too and we're going out to eat tomorrow. i gonna go print my labels in library and hopefully drop off my sticker packages. yap yap. maybe go to llibrary and fuck around with stickers again. they told me you get two free sheets of vinyl, but no one could answer if i could buy more or not at the school itself. supplying my own would be a pain, so if I could just use there's, i'd be very happy.

oh industrialism

I've been deeply depressed, so depressed that if I were to be too honest with my therapist, I'd likely end up hospitalized or needed to find a new provider. Lately I keep wondering why I am alive in this weird world. There's not much I like to do. I find other people generally painful to interact with even if I love them. I can't really see any bright sides to anything lately. 

Not having money also makes you basically no longer human but I digress.

I sometimes wonder why I keep going and think about creating things. It pleases me. Art, writing, game development, etcetera. I like to make friends and I like to have new experiences mainly to enhance my art because making art when you have no experiences isn't the most fun to me. WIILT wouldn't exist without my experiences in Japan and England or college in general. RehAIbilitation wouldn't exist without my college experiences either. Ommatophilia would but even then, that game is heavily influenced by graduating high school itself and leaving everything behind in the pandemic.

I don't know if I'll make games forever, but I know I'll be creating as long as my mental facilities allow it. What would I do otherwise you know? I'm so sad all the time.

Sense of duty to self and others somewhat. When I die, I can't make art anymore. All of this sadness I feel all the time is a distraction from that. You want a job to support your art endevors forever. You want to move out of your house because it's hard to make art while living there. You keep trying very hard because it's all for art. And if you stop making art, then you should finally die.

Of course, there's other things I enjoy. I think it's healthy to have joys outside of art. I think of art in this way when I get very depressed (though art is my reason for living. it is what gives me purpose and keeps me from sinking too deep into the abyss).

I like lolita a lot and my friends and everything. I feel disconnected from my friends and hobbies lately and the computer in general- outside of game development. I struggle to really use social media the way I used to. I just find it bad now. Really I only use my personal tumblr consistently and even then- it's too a much lesser extent than months or years prior.

I like to go places in real life, but I feel trapped in my house and on campus, everything is so suffocating for many reasons. I try not to be there, and sometimes I go but leave halfway through due to the campus horrifying me.

Depression symptoms are interesting because I can feel the lack of desire growing. I try to blame it on getting older. I just don't have time for things anymore, but I do think it's just.. my brain not working. I have a hard time taking photos, and even going out for a walk just feels like a pain. Sometimes I consider trying SSRIs again, but my body doesn't wanna tolerate anything it seems like, but my life was so good my first 2 years on Zoloft, maybe I should try again.

I am trying to do things I think I should do to avoid the hobby decay. While I don't really need motivation to do art, I do have to have motivation to do other things. I try to take photos when I can though it's still not as often as I'd like- mainly at meets really. I try to put together nice coords, keep hygeine nice, keep room clean, etcetera etcera. It feels extremely weird doing all of that because no one realizes you're suffering.

Though in truth, no one wants to know if you're suffering., They'd rather you shut up and immediately turn to insults when you show any sign of declining mental health. It's one reason I'm not really talking to anyone. If I'm good, I'm still visibly mentally ill to people who know me- making them uncomfortable. If I'm bad, they want to be around me even less. I'm tired of being traumatized by others. I want to be alone.

Still, I know I really don't want to be alone. I just don't want anyone to be close to me if I think they'll hurt me- which I believe to be true of most people generally in recent days. I hate that general paranoia is becoming the norm for me, but I don't really know what to do about it either.

Consistently though, I find myself enjoying taking pictures of small things. Like this cowboy church, or the pylons at the top of this entry. I find myself increasingly fascinated by weird aspects of humanity. Pylons surrounded by nature.. Cowboy church.

Of course, I have photos of myself too, but perhaps I've grown bored of myself as a subject. All my photos of myself are the same. Same poses, coords mostly the same, etc etc. People do like them though, which is pleasant to me, but in the end, I find myself wondering if it really matters.

These pictures were actually taken after a lolita picnic. Despite my previous statement, I do recognize it'd be a shame not to post the photos in this entry. I'd also likely regret it.

i do like this photo. it's a shame i get so anxious on traintracks (i'm afraid of fines- not the trains)

this bridge will one day be washed away due to the cement holding it in place slowly being eaten away at by the water.
my friends like this photo



Of course, group photos. My skirt covers my shoe. I am clown.
Usually I am more cognizant of those kinds of things when taking photos but you know

I think those are the main photos that would be of interest. I just realized I also visited a cemetery recently with Eden and Rasa, so I guess I'll post those too.

That cemetery was very old, one of the oldest in the state. Appalachia is interesting cause of things like that. I try to generally be chill in cemeteries though I flip off Confederate generals. I feel a bit of guilt doing this, but well, my entire bloodline.. And the existence of the Confederacy and everything it stood for is still fucking up my life now so.

sunlight in these photos always perplexes me. how do i feel about it? i am not sure. in theory it makes the photos prettier.
my comm members really love sunlight, but when i look at it, i really don't feel anything. maybe i just prefer fog.

the sun.. can be nice though..


of course. group.

Anyways, I have more photos. I'll compress them and add them to the EGL page eventually. Just don't feel like it right now, but later today probably. Or in a few weeks. Whenever whenever.

thanks random twitt user

I shouldn't be up this late. I knew I was heading down a slipper slope when I opened OpenSIM at around 11PM then began to research DAE conversion, and now it's 4 and I need to be up in less than 5 hours. Now I'm writing this entry making my problems woorse.

I went out to Red Lobster today after craving it for a very long time. They had a shrimp and lobster still for $19.99 which I bought but it ended up still reaching $30 adding tips and tax. It was so frustrating to me lol. I didn't think I'd be spending $30 today. Still, I want to go back. Their menu is fun to me, and I saw a lady eating their seafood boil and it looked pretty good. 

I've never actually ordered lobster before, not on my own money anyways. I got it when it was a 'free' entree on a cruise and at restaurants, I usually ask mom for some. It was super yummy. I want to go back another Monday now.

I like the fries too and their scampi. I wanted coconut shrimp, but it's just too expensive now- especially now that they don't have shrimp your way anymore (you used to be able to get 2-3 types of shrimp around $21-$23 . i'd gourge myself). This was more satisfying in a way though. It's good to try new things- especially right now while I'm having so many food isuses.

Also, you can get coconut shrimp pretty cheaply frozen, and it tastes just as good since everyone makes it the same way. I need to go to Aldi's but money goes so fast now. It's exhausting to me, but I think I have some commissions coming.

Bla bla bla. Other misc things. Found out Itchio staff left WIILTT deindexed on purpose without alerting me and I guess chose to ignore my ticket. This is frustrating. I checked and it has be indexed for like 38+ days. To be honest, WIILTT is a project that means a lot to me, so I'm considering contacting an editor and trying to post it to Steam but this makes me anxious because I know Steam can just leave games unlisted forever. Removing the NSFW scenes just feels like a terrible decision, but NSFW has basically been removed from every platform which is annoying. Itchio really is the only platform still has NSFW games, but it's just.. annoying.

But now that I have an answer, I feel more calm generally which is crazy right? I should be enraged, but after weeks of this terrible whirlwind of emotions and stress and being near breaking point, knowing that itchio staff made the decision to hide it.. It wasn't something I did.. It has allowed me to reach some kind of inner peace. It's not something I want to happen and it brings me great sadness, but now I'm less explosive. Right now anyways. Some bullshit is gonna happen again probably that brings me to the edge again haha, but for now, I'm okay. I've been so exhausted always being on edge, but something about this state of knowing I did everything right but still being screwed over.. Feels... less.. Terrible than the nebulousness.

Anyways, hopefully Visa and Mastercard fucking explode, but if not, we will just have to see what happens. I really think I'm okay because I know I don't make a ot of eroge. I am going to port SGW and make the new episodes then move on, but it make sme anxious because my games have gore and nudity. I don't really like censoring myself, but I guess I could always add patches that are only available on my website. Smiles.

I guess that is thhe answer. Patches. Selfhosting. Trruthfully I think people should be making mass efforts to move over to selfhosting and obscuring purchases and making large listings with games hosted elsewhere/on servers. I know that we have to rely on normies to find things themselves which is why everything is algorithmic and god knows the average internet user doesn't know what a tag is but I still think this is the way. Decentralization really is the way.

Of course there's always issues regarding payments, but I simply think that those issues will exist even using sites like itchio or other sites that haven't had the hammer smacked down on them. I just sort of think society is really broken right now though, so no one will listen to me. I'm crazy. I also am anti crypto because the reason a lot of these systems exist is to protect users, but well, the erm, average user cannot use crypto and the people who push these systems often have terrible agendas.  I really just don't think flocking to another thing contnrolled by rich people is the way.

Here are some more coords from recently. I bought groceries, and they're already almost gone and I'm low on funds again. Neverending cycle. Neverending cycle.

Just want to play Silksong really, but need to play games I already own.

to be honest i think depression might've finally sapped out all of my joy and isoaltion is becoming one of my core gtraits. it's kind of interesting int hat i don't think i've experienced it like this before. usually i do want to socialize- i want support from peers in the process or to hangout with them, but now it's like. i don't really wanna talk to anyone. friends i love talk to me and i don't have much of a desire to respond. fallouts are slowly rolling in and coming and going but i dont' have the energy to really care. i'm considering stopping ophazines and just sort of feel thsi constant misery drum. i can't help but think people are terrible, and while i've been enjoying animal crossing and my other video games, it's only a matter of time before i get bored with all of those things.

truly, i just am unsure of how to proceed. it feels like the poeple i connect with are few and far between. i just sort of want to disappear from the world. my only reasoning i guess is because i like my friends, and i want to make money to live. but i don't feel the childish 'my frineds all hate me' feeling, but more  of a general knowledge knowing my friends will be fine without me and soon many of them will exist without me anyways due to having to go back to memphis and likely never seeing most of them in person again.

life just feels like a collection of living for tiny experiences. it's worse because my mom is back into religionlately. can't really talk to her because she'll just say it's a god problem, but even as a christian, i don't see any point. even when i loved god and was really religious, i couldn't understand why he'd be so cruel.

what is there to do? i really love my friends, but it never feels like enough. to the point where hanging out just sort of feels painful.  i hate group settings. i like being one on one but thew onyl way it feels like to make friends is by being in group settings. i dont' know. i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i hate that i need to make connections. is hould be allowed to live somewherew and have someone post everything for me. how do JP skeb artists randomly appear and posts and immediately gain followings? am i just not good enough? 

i don't really like having meat girl comments on but only can have any symbol of success by having those projects be visibnle since htere's no other visibile mectrics and id ont'r eally care about success but it gives me opportunities to gain money. i don't want art to be my job but i have no choice.

mom says i give up to easily but i dont know. how do you keep energy to keep trying? wouldnt it just be nice to sleep and never wake up. i dont wanan bandon all of these things. if i went into a coma, everyone would move on without me. just sleeping forever seems ideal. i'd never wake upwith the knowledge of everyone leaving me behind. no one would have to deal with me killing myself. i could dream. i'd just be sleeping. sleeping sleeping.

sleeping is so nice.. i don't have imaginary friends but i just imagine b etter worlds.., even though my characters are mentally ill.. they lvoe each other and are together.. and in other's worlds like deltarune, people get to hangout with the people they love often even with the pain they're enduring.. even kris has fun sometimes and does things they enjoy even with the horrors they experience.

what do i do? i sit. i sit. i sit. i sit. wwait for oblivion. i make games that get hidden  can't tlak to other game devs caus ei'm freak. make peope uncomfrtable. i die over and over and over and over again. i collect merch of figures i enjoy. i spend money. i crawl out of my skin. i die ove rand over and over again.

usually i'd attribute this to 3am thoughts but to be honest, i sort of feel like this all the time. animal crossing is nice because it's melancholic in a pleasant way. sims 4 is just sort of an escape from everything. minecraft i play with citrus and it's fun- i don't think i'd have fun alone.

i just sort of. am not sure. no more cries for help. no more anything. no one can help me. i work so hard too, but it's never enough. all that's left is oblivion.

i went to a festival yesterday and it was fun, but the weirdest part is that while there, i had random thoguhts like "this hot pot is so good. i wish i could eat yummy food all the time. i'm not sure if eating it occasionally like this is worth it." or "i'd like to go to one of these festivals and watch more of the performances but it's hard because it's hot and everyone is cramped together. perhaps it is not worth experiencing in this format." or "i wish i could table but i'm not sure i'd sell anything or i'd even have fun. i just sort of am not sure how i want to interact with festivals like this."

i think about concerts and love them and going abroad, but working really hard for brief escapes feels silly to me. going from concert to concert never knowing if one will be good. to be honest i don't think anyone will ever give a show like machine girl, and even if they did, well, when will i experience something like that again?

in cartoons and anime, when characters get mad, a vein pops out of their forehead. i sort of feel that  a lot. i get so stressed or sad or angry, i get a migraine.it feels really painful. the long term health ramificaions are something i never want to experience. i'd love to be in a state of bliss aend then fall asleep. like, having the most fun ever. i wish i'd fallen asleep at the end of my japantrip just smiling after a wonderful day or maybe in the middle of it so that i wouldn't have the knwoeldge it'd end soon. mayeb in the countrysides of the UK. maybe during my freshman and sophomore year when i was still having fun in college.

i'm not strong enough for these hard times, and the people around me sort of hate me when i experience them. they hate my perosnality and the core parts of my personality come out when i'm sad. they tell me how merntally ill i am and then ihave to end our friendship ebcause my personality nad mental illness are entwined. i hate being mentally ill, but i jsut am. my disorders are permanent. they cannot be cured or fixed. all i can do is try to come off as normal or mask and i really hate everyone for making me do that.

i don't know. i'm not suicidal. just very tired. i keep going cause there' snothing else to do. i joined a book club and a writing club, but i don't really wanna do anything but think ic ould have fun.  i watch haruhi with my friends and i have fun but trying to do it is always an effort. i join servers beause  i miss socializing knowing i'll end up leaving. lol. have to turn off my dms to avoid being sexually harrassed really, but even then i'll grow to trust someone, and then they start being strange to me anyways.

 i just sort of.

i just sort of.

i don't get it. everyone's so motivated, but all of my good times were done as a result of luck or having winning cards in my hand at the time. money for japan gotten via scholarships, a loan from a friend, and a FASFA fluke. study abroad to UK done via my honors college program that struggles to sort out anything- got lucky they organized something that one time. cards became unlucky.life is miserable again.

...... i have cards i'm betting on but admittedly not sure i'll be able to survive the inevitable end. of my luck. meat girl sort of feels like a catalyst for the end in a lot of ways haha. such a funny thing to think right.

the end. the deindexes. the end of my college time. scholarship decreasing. no more comfy places to stay. my scholarships really only covering fall rent and the last few months sort of being nebulous.

important to not forget the good times but all of those good times happened along bad times- bad things i chose to ignore to have fun.like my birrthday this summer and my struggles to plan it. the issues i was having with ex friends. the ptsd nightmares. the problems with parents. the sleepless RA nights.  the stress about senior year. those times i told myself that those good times made life so worth it, but it's hard.

i'm only allowed to have fun when i have the ability to look at the bright side but when there's nothing godod happening and nothing to look forward to, what do i do? i guess this is a question. my cry for help even though i know there is no resolution. 

wait for game release. dont really care. wait for movie release. dont really care. wait for want one or care. wait for marriage. dont want to get married really.wait.wait. wait.wait.wait.wait/wait.wait.wait.wait. never ending. self sabotage if you don't keep people in your life who talk shit about you cause they can help you get ahead. don't want to network don't want peers who dislike me. just want to exist. bla bla bla.

i always kind of was repulsed by *** because my life would never b enearly as interesting or fun as the ****. i always viewed it as an unhealthy form of escapism but truthfully that's all people can do. escape escape escape. i desire hedonism but escapism isn't that for me. i want to travel and eat delicious food and have fun with friends and meet people who don't get stressed out by me 24/7. 

impossible though! art consumption is the only for sure thing and tha'ts why i like free art! because i can consume it most of the time, even on a public library computer if my laptop breaks! but free art is sort of.. i'm starving and dying! i'm going to die! but whatever atleast i'll die making art! i guess!

The diary has been reinstated! Apologies for the long wait. It was not a top priority because I was focused on moving all of my site over to a VPS and also life was very bad for a long time. I wanted to make my entries more positive but well, I also was so tired. Lying is kind of exhausting, and I'd rather not do it. I'm sure you understand. It's just so many of my old entries are so negative. I want to look into the future positively.. Archiving details of my life I know is important, but this was such a dark period that I just.. I don't wanna talk about pain I experience being kicked out of dorm and also I was having so many rumination issues- the diary entries would all be the same.



But I did come to a realization. In the past few months, I've been trying to figure out how to navigate relationships because they are so hard for me to figure out. In my previous life, I felt as though I should always be polite. Running ophazines meant to me that if someone was rude to me, I had to respond as kindly as possible even if I thought they were being ridiculous. I should never talk about any situation I'm in because it may seem similar to vaguing unless people involved aren't my friends. I shouldn't talk about my feelings to most people- it'll overwhelm everyone. Bla bla bla.



But I realized I actually don't know anything and was just operating on what I should do when masking. And well even when I mask, people still clock that I'm not completely neurotypical anyways, so why do I need to continue? And I had so much bad stuff happen in the past few months that I was forced to rely on friends for help. It ended up making me realize people are much kinder than I had anticipated. A lolita friend took me out for crabs yesterday, and she talked to me about her ex who she started hanging out again with recently. She likes to talk to me about her because I understand what schizophrenia is like since I'm on the schizophrenia spectrum. It's nice to me talking to her. She's a very normal person, but she still likes me even though she knows I struggle. We interact in a normal way and when I get worked up, she's very nice to me.



I was with another lolita friend a week or two ago and I was a bit stressed. When I've been with her lately, her daughters are also there because she's a mom and it's summer. She took me to a storage unit, and I had fun interacting with the two sisters. I like children. And well, the two of them remind me of my sisters in many ways.



I got really sad recently.. I entered intense periods of anxiety.. And friends would ask if I needed to hangout when they could tell I was on edge. It was interesting to me because I was so used to being alone or being told I needed to isolate. After 2021, I basically accepted that no one could handle me when I'm really distressed, but well, to be honest, that was silly. I talk to my friends through their anxieties and usually distract them if they want to be distracted.



Streaming Deltarune, talking about yaoi and yuri, web dev rambles, taking on projects, it's all been very pleasant. I liked knowing my friends wanted to be around me even through rough times and would generally give me the benefit of the doubt. It's something I can't even afford to give myself a lot of the time.



I have a lot of anxiety about acting in a lolcowish way. A lot of lolcows are obviously mentally ill, and many of the girls have BPD. I'm not going to lie. I don't think I have BPD, but my mom thinks I do, and some people I know say I do, so I just identify as having it so people don't think I'm in some kind of 'denial.' It's also possible I do have it, but am at a point in my life where I just experience it differently. I don't really experience extreme resentment, but I did as a teenager. I hate being rejected, but it's something I'm very used to and something I can do with. Of course, you're free to read my old diary entries and be the judge of that yourself.



One reason I try very hard to be a 'good girl' is because I don't want to end up like people such as Amberlynn Ried or other lolcows.. So many are people who are very aware of their mental illnesses but end up in the same cycles over and over again. I want to be aware of other people, but at the same time, I ended up doing this to such an extent that I thouhgt my own feelings and communication styles were a burden. And I realized that there's just no point in being friendly with everyone. When I was talked shit about during zine development, I didn't need to respond to anyone or be nice about it. It's good to be to avoid issues obviously, but it's not objectively mean for me to tell someone I don't like how they're talking to me and that I think they're being ridiculous.



I'd rather just.. be around people who want to be around me.



I reached out to my old friend and we talked about making music. He showed me his stuff, and we talked to me about JS frameworks. It was really delightful. I had disappeared on so many people trying to keep upo with so many folks around me. why did I do that when the conversations I had with certain people were always so positive.



Anyways, things are alright.I still get waves of anxiety, but I just picture the thought floating down the river, and I move on. It's.. difficult. Moving on from certain situations at times seems callous.. but.. It is important for the sake of living peacefully. I moved on from Neocities (am iin process of doing so) because people there also said weird things about me that were just.. kind of untrue. Not in a hurtful way just.. blatantly incorrect facts and it was so silly I just needed to go into my own little corner.



Anyways, I hope to update with more fruitful things soon. I needed to get all of this off my chest. Next time I'll talk about my CRT and other hobbies I'm getting into (I've been going to a video game store every week!).. It's been very hot every time. I also found a place that sells delicious red roobois tea. Wait for me if you'd like! The RSS feed should be fixed soon too so it'll be even easier!

i went in the woods today. it was really fun. got some fun pictures. even though the good times from freshman year are slipping out of my fingers, i can still have fun. i can still go on adventures even if i am alone.



i'll tell the story of my time in the woods. first things first, i walked into the student center thinking i had something to do today, but turns out, i did not. i got very excited because the class i have at a later time wasn't taking place either. the rest of the day is free. i'm so busy lately. i rarely have free time.



I walked around campus taking pictures. here are a few.









After walking around for a while, I got the brilliant idea to go in the woods. It was meant to be. I'm wearing tennis shoes for once (usually i'm in mary janes), and my day was free. So, I walked up the street and went onto the trail.



I walked around for a while. Took some pictures. Will show.










But then I heard a noise, an aggressive bark..



I turned around and a dog was running towards me. Many thoughts flashed through my mind. "If I'm stuck out here, I have my phone," was one of them. And remembering what my granny said about going out by myself. But, I also remembered my granny had been in a situation where this happened to her too. So I did what she did.



"Go away!" I shouted confidently. The dog barked again but ran in the opposite direction. I took a deep breath and walked forward again feeling a bit on edge. I walked up hill for a while and took a picture of a structure I found.









There wasn't anywhere to go after that so I turned around, anxious because I'd have to go the direction the dog went in. I began to walk back the direction I came in, deciding it was time to go when I then ran into someone. She said she was lost and the paths get confusing. We exchanged words, and I continued walking forward confident I would not get lost as I didn't think there was anywhere else to go.



I walked for a while, sure I was going in the right direction only to find an exit. The exit led to a church clubhouse. I walked inside and spoke to the people there for a second, then I went back into the woods to search for the exit. I found a large parking lot made of rocks, and tricked myself into hearing the sound of a dog collar and growls.



Eventually, I did find the exit. I took a celebratory picture.






I really felt like the protagonist of a horror movie for a while or that I was in some looping yume nikki dream world as I kept ending up in areas I'd been in before. It really struck life into me. The fear from the dog, the excitement from the woods, interacting with strangers at the church, the structure that resembled a silo- it all just made me feel something other than the constant boredom of going to school and working everyday.



I need to go on more adventures. October will be here soon. There will be lots to do, and the decreasing temperature along with the approach of the holidays tends to put me in a strange mood. Perhaps it will give me more of what I seek.