the end of my distraction vortex
Posted on: 2025-08-03 02:18:00

 



end of distractions


throughout july, i always had things to do (even outside of school). the game jam with WIILT, my dress up game i've been working on and off on, a very long commission queue i was getting through very slowly, applying for jobs, YAYE market, etc etc. i went out a lot too. artfight was around. it was nice keeping busy and always having something to turn to. it distracted me from my problems.


my commission queue is almost empty now. there's two things left- a website and drawing and both are almost finished. my dressup game is out and people have sent me many dolls, dozens.. i haven't kept count. it sparks joy. 


my website is always something i tinker on, but it is a thing that.. hmm.. it's just a thing i tinker on. sharing code doesn't bring me a lot of satisfaction. making FOSS stuff just isn't very fun because i don't think people will use it outside of myself. it's why i lag behind on fixing everything on this blog. i have lots of things i wanna make on this website, but coding also is.. it doesn't bring me the same satisfaction as commissions or game development or anything. 


it's also not just satisfaction.. i have a lot problems in my life and periods of intense focus allow me to not think about those issues. my mom and i aren't talking right now, but she's coming to help me move in 2ish. i need to gather a lot of disability paperwork from various sources.  my migraines are coming and going. some problems clear up over time but others hang over me constantly, like needing to have a consistent form of income but struggling to find a line of work that doesn't make me start killing people.


it also keeps me from talking to others too much. i don't really wanna hangout lately, but also, i do with some friends. irls it's okay, but being online in online conversations for experiences is painful. i get messages from men lately which is scary..



i mainly hangout with girls because men are sort of.. unpredictable since incels behavior is rising in every country, but well, i post pictures of my lolita events on various SNS and one on Rednote/XHS. i limit my interactions on most apps, but don't mind interactions generally. i have no desire to be popular. i post for archival reasons! also because the girls on XHS are nice.. it's a female dominated app which is great.


um, anyways, i posted something and it has 60,000 views. the post gets larger everyday. it has over 700 comments last i checked and over 8k likes. it makes me happy because lots of girls post in the comments and are very happy, but also men send me message requests and one was "can I be your slave?" someone tried to call me a slur too though it was so pathetic i just laughed. 


i got a few random hate comments, but it was kind of nothing. i'm really overwhelmed by all of the attention. i feel bad not responding to everyone. lots of girls are posting in the comments or staying problems they have wearing EGL at home. i want to support and be nice to everyone, especially because so many are so sweet but i think my brain has melted completely. 


anyways, the random virality that can  happen on XHS is quit a lot so i may be more careful with my posting there haha! my games r supposed to be popular.. not my lolita posts..


i haven't been up to much of anyhting outside of that.. and being on call sometimes.. i'll be on call a lot over the next two weeks, but even then, i don't do much while on call to be honest. maybe it'll give me a good excuse to leave my dorm more often haha. 


i should edit this blog blog's framework some more.. get the categories working.. add a listening to, how am i feeling/status thing to the blog posts.. would be fun. maybe it's time to edit the theme again too..


thinking about alien 9 a lot and gonna watch some old Yoshitashe abe works soon on my beautiful CRT. i should burn DVDs so i can play whatever i want. are blu-rays more popular because people don't burn them? I have no idea.