More Mabinogi fun. I've been going through the quest slowly. I tried to do the chainslasher quest but it beat my ass so I'm doing astrology stuff right now (which ideal anyways. I actually have the chainslasher stuff maxed out with my girl who wears a rabit parka

The Battle Astrologer is a new questline from what I understand though I'm not sure if Astrologer itself is new. The two characters the astrology line focuses on feel very refined and beautiful so I'd be a bit surprised if they were older, but also it'd be a pleasant surprise!

She's a sweetheart too. I like both of them a lot- almost equally- despite my preference for cute girls.

For the first time in years, I am engaging in yume shipping. This is hard for me as I simply feel beyond most things, but I like Blaanid a lot, and she's with you always. I like the idea of the character, Staurozoas, falling in love with Blaanid but sort of never really saying it becuase Blaanid is incoporeal most of the time.

I've gotten a better idea of it. I'm not really into shipping communities, but one of my commissioner's is super into it and often commissions yumeship stuff from me, so I understand from all the text she's given me how it works. Beautiful fanfiction that is for you only. Truly the most self indulgent of self indulgent. I will commission people too when I don't have to save so much. It will be a delight.

Speaking of income. I had the google app on my phone temporarily and it kept sending me fake news about stimulus checks lol so I deleted it. But I started talking to other lolitas. A lot of lolitas got into the fashion during the pandemic cause you know sitting at home, stimulus checks, etcetera. I was a teenager, so I never got any stimulus checks. I've bought all of my lolita with money I had to work for (unfortunately), but I began to wonder what I'd buy if I came into money like that again.

And the answer.. Is I'd put it away. LOL. The fake ads are usually around $2000, so I'd put $1400 towards rent and the rest in my savings. Maybe I'd fix my Steam Deck or something. I don't find myself desiring lolita lately.. My wardrobe isn't finished, but my relationship with EGL right now is just different since my wardrobe is so large and I own so much I like. More shoes is never a pain.

Anyways back to Yume Shipping ahah. So basically I have this gothic lolita character.

She's a darling right. I had to age her up for these photos since Mabinogi ties age to height. I decided to age her down when she got rebirthed since she'd age up anyways though I regret setting her so young. She's so short loool and the day I gave her the age up potion was the day characters age so when I logged back in, she turned 12!!

I dislike when she's small. I think she also dislikes it lol. Her face is more suitable when she's at least 16 or older since she has smaller eyes.  It likely enrages her whenever she's reset to this small. It's a lot funnier when I think of her in that context- so funny I'll likely age her down again for shits and giggles.

It ended up being funnier because I like to imagine she's in love with Blaanid though she'd never tell her. So she sees Blaanid again and now she's a gothic lolita as opposed to her previous appearance. She's also really short lol. All of the Milletians can reage whenever they want and I doubt Blaanid would care, but Staurozoa would be really embarrassed about it haha.

After some time she reunites with her and she probably hates that she's so small but Blaanid obviously doesn't seem to notice. It's 100x funnier because later Blaanid fucking shrinks. 

I think Staurozoa would be really shocked by Blaanid in this form haha, but then she remembers she also reages randomly and shrinks and likes being carried haha. Of course, it doesn't matter in the end. She and Blaanid would never be together because Blaanid is a spirit and Staurozoa is a human (ELF), but at same time, I don't think it matters that much to her either. She's happy Blaanid is always with her you see?

Mabinogi big ass RPG so I can just keep thinking about her and her interactions and interactions. It's nice growing her stronger. I hope to think about bunny parka girl too (Isaacia lol), but just focused on Staurozoa right now cause of Lesbianism. I hope to make a shrine like Bunny's shrine lol. May use the same CSS. We will see.

Also my sister made me show her Mabi lol.

i like her i am thinking about cosplaying her.. so much red

i really do wish i was dead a lot of the time recently- because of burnout. i wish i could keep working at pace i used to. i wish i could've recognize pushing myself constantly because everyone around me has brains made o f sludge and they think telling me to keep going when i've already tried to kill myself several times was stupid.

"keep pushing!" kill yourself! but well, as my jobless and mental illness increases, i do more stereotypical activities which is a delight of course.

cat cat cat

mabinogi is having this leveling event, and it's really been a delight. i have been too tired for lots of games.. it's hard to even read, so  having this event where i'm autopathing and clicking and rapidly leveling feels so good. and also, you know i like dressing up, but i haven't been motivated to make outfits even in games i like.. and i don't feel like it IRL a lot of the time. it's made not buying EGL easier though you know there's other drawbacks like having no desire to live or exist and planning to kill myself at the end of spring and everything.

i'm crying while writing but really i'm just silly lol...

the end of spring will be nice. iwon't have to go back home and be treated like shit and it's when i run out of money for the apartment. since i've failed to get a job~ and america hates autistic people~ and most autisitc people don't have jobs anyways~ 

cat cabaret

I made a new character for dressing up in random outfits. Getting her up to dark diviner level 10 with the rapid leveling event. There's a makeover event where you can wear a bunch of the clothes in game right now, and at the end of the event whatever you have rented you keep (one outfit). 

I like her.. I want to make more outfits but I really love her bunny parka. Kills me.

I just got killed in a dungeon like 12 times.. 

MMOs are hard but this rapid leveling.. It sort of makes me get the appeal especially after you get access to many things.. Some mechanics I sitll don't understand but I am having fun and am looking forward to learning them. Soon Insects and I will do some dungeons. I don't think any of my other friends will be playing though a party of two is always a delight.

didn't mention it in entry but today i played mc for the first time since i moved haha

Hi! I haven't updated so much of August.. I finished up my final RA shifts ever (terrible time- I was up for over 48 hours at one point) and then moved to my apartment. My parents helped me move. They also bought me a DS and a Wii Fit board as a late birthday gift. I spent the next few days after they left cleaning lots. I played video games, worked on commissions, got zine pre-orders up, etc etc. I was very focused so my website was on the backburner.

I also found myself getting in sour moods. Maintenance changed the apartment locks, but getting in contact with staff is a bit exhausting so I ended up waiting until everyone moved in ont he 20th. So I refused to leave my apartment for 2 days in fear of getting locked out then on the 20th I headed down to campus. 

I took pictures. I was in one of my default outfits lol. I put up my rack and everything, so now it's easier to get dressed since I can see all my clothes. That sounds silly. This is because ADHD is stupid.

i took some pics in the library since it's been a while

My room setup was annoying and mainful, but I got there in the end. I need to get hooks to hang some more dresses on the walls, but that is for later haha. I hope to do a room tour for vlogging stuff. I love yapping about decor.

this area was the hardest to figure out. 
i split the bookshelf into two, used the nightstand by my bed as a TV stand,
and used the shortened part of my bookshelf as a nightstand.

I said I didn't do much web development, but this is technically not true. I did some maintenance to rpgmaker.cafe. I figured out how Racknerd's rescue mode work. It was horrifying, but now that I know, life is much easier ahaha. This is because I lost my SSH key with my hard drive erasure.

The rpgmaker.cafe instance was a bit gunked up because I tried to use webmin on it but ended up Hating webmin, and it fucked with a lot of my existing settings. I increased image size uploads for the instance, removed webmin, and did some other NGINX stuff. I want to open it back up and add some more things (a nice embed for links and maybe some other stuff). I ended up doing this a bit unplanned because Webmin was preventing my auto let's encrypt from running.

Anyways, I am going to a festival this weekend and gonna model. Let's hope I don't clown around. Haha. I fall in my shoes sometimes, not because they're too tall but because I am poorly coordinated and forget how to walk. I do it in flats too. Isn't that silly?

Well, to endthis off, I've been playing cozy games. Minecraft today. ACNH randomly. I even have been doing the stretching mini game. Playing it on my CRT while relaxing and thinking about time passing feels like the way God intended me to play this game.

I used to play this game with people who were very cruel and also people I still love (my siblings all have houses on the island). And now I'm away from all of them. I startedthis game as a teenager when Covid started. I was like 15 or 16. The animals still call me kiddo despite how old I am now. My character still has the name of Persona 2 creature I was fixated on at the time. There's so much new stuff yet also unfamiliar things.

It's nice.. It feles similar with Minecraft.So much familiarity yet alien things too. I like chipping away at all my stuff each day though I appreciate my teenage self for being on the turnip grind haha! I never worry about bells.

There's this animal crossing mod I installed for the old AC I plan to play on my wii (the gamecube version). It gives new skin tones and everything, but it sounds kind of overwhelming to start a new game right now, so I'm not in a rush. Taking it easy!

end of distractions

throughout july, i always had things to do (even outside of school). the game jam with WIILT, my dress up game i've been working on and off on, a very long commission queue i was getting through very slowly, applying for jobs, YAYE market, etc etc. i went out a lot too. artfight was around. it was nice keeping busy and always having something to turn to. it distracted me from my problems.

my commission queue is almost empty now. there's two things left- a website and drawing and both are almost finished. my dressup game is out and people have sent me many dolls, dozens.. i haven't kept count. it sparks joy. 

my website is always something i tinker on, but it is a thing that.. hmm.. it's just a thing i tinker on. sharing code doesn't bring me a lot of satisfaction. making FOSS stuff just isn't very fun because i don't think people will use it outside of myself. it's why i lag behind on fixing everything on this blog. i have lots of things i wanna make on this website, but coding also is.. it doesn't bring me the same satisfaction as commissions or game development or anything. 

it's also not just satisfaction.. i have a lot problems in my life and periods of intense focus allow me to not think about those issues. my mom and i aren't talking right now, but she's coming to help me move in 2ish. i need to gather a lot of disability paperwork from various sources.  my migraines are coming and going. some problems clear up over time but others hang over me constantly, like needing to have a consistent form of income but struggling to find a line of work that doesn't make me start killing people.

it also keeps me from talking to others too much. i don't really wanna hangout lately, but also, i do with some friends. irls it's okay, but being online in online conversations for experiences is painful. i get messages from men lately which is scary..

i mainly hangout with girls because men are sort of.. unpredictable since incels behavior is rising in every country, but well, i post pictures of my lolita events on various SNS and one on Rednote/XHS. i limit my interactions on most apps, but don't mind interactions generally. i have no desire to be popular. i post for archival reasons! also because the girls on XHS are nice.. it's a female dominated app which is great.

um, anyways, i posted something and it has 60,000 views. the post gets larger everyday. it has over 700 comments last i checked and over 8k likes. it makes me happy because lots of girls post in the comments and are very happy, but also men send me message requests and one was "can I be your slave?" someone tried to call me a slur too though it was so pathetic i just laughed. 

i got a few random hate comments, but it was kind of nothing. i'm really overwhelmed by all of the attention. i feel bad not responding to everyone. lots of girls are posting in the comments or staying problems they have wearing EGL at home. i want to support and be nice to everyone, especially because so many are so sweet but i think my brain has melted completely. 

anyways, the random virality that can  happen on XHS is quit a lot so i may be more careful with my posting there haha! my games r supposed to be popular.. not my lolita posts..

i haven't been up to much of anyhting outside of that.. and being on call sometimes.. i'll be on call a lot over the next two weeks, but even then, i don't do much while on call to be honest. maybe it'll give me a good excuse to leave my dorm more often haha. 

i should edit this blog blog's framework some more.. get the categories working.. add a listening to, how am i feeling/status thing to the blog posts.. would be fun. maybe it's time to edit the theme again too..

thinking about alien 9 a lot and gonna watch some old Yoshitashe abe works soon on my beautiful CRT. i should burn DVDs so i can play whatever i want. are blu-rays more popular because people don't burn them? I have no idea.

hi everyone. i just got back from walking. i went out to buy cookout and to stop by the post office. i 

this picture is kind of scary lol

at cookout a white boy howled at me, it was weird lol. i don't know what noise it was, he howled then said "what's up girl" or something and my easily anxious as was a bit freaked out lol, but now it's funny. i had my headphones on and was focused on some video about death caps when this huge group of boys walked in. i'm usually pretty invisible, but i get the big bow on my head (not pictured in photo lol) made me a bit obvious.

i ended up leaving. they were so loud, and i was a  bit on edge due to going out because i like the silence. i walked around a bit more. my friend in europe woke up while i was walking, and i sent her a picture of mushrooms i got.

such a lucky find

i find these walks to be pleasant even if i am a bit anxious the entire time. i like the silence and lack of people. wearing all black isn't good for visibility, but i like blending into the dark. it's not something i can do back home because crime is so bad, but here it's a bit easier. i still am careful though. i do it every once in a while to avoid taking the same routes over and over. it's scarier in summer because there's less students on campus.

anyway, before all of this, i'd been playing minecraft with Citrus. it was super fun. i'm not sure i got many screenshots though the skin i have in MC isn't the best anyways. i am hosting the server myself- no dedicated server needed or anything. i allocated 2.5GB of RAM. i worry this won't be enough, but well the MC server is actually well under it most of the time. the highest i've seen it at is 37% usually right after i edit the YML file, but today it hovered around 23%. i make lower it to 2.0 as the server is around 94%-85% usage most of the time.. though it's okay.. it's not really a big deal. i just get freaked out easily. i can still monitor it in game.

the spawn was nice. we're playing on the latest minecraft version with Minecraft Paper.  playing with citrus is nice. citrus builds more than me. he's building a giant watchtower, and it's been great. today, he stood at the top telling me where to go to kill skeletons and spiders. we also had a silly mishap with the campire where i put it out while holding a shovel. it was funny.

the shaders are so beautiful too.. when i used ot play minecraft, my abusers set up everything for me.. it was never super fun playing with them admittedly, but i just liked being with them.. it was a nice memory back then, but i realized now.. i like.. umm.. sometimes servers aren't fun because people spread out in different directions doing their own thing, which is okay, but I like playing with Citrus because.. Citrus is just very great. i told him i'd stay in his house because i'm bad at building, and he didn't have any hesitance. it was nice... i am not used to being.. someone's friend in such a sincere way. i usually have to be so careful.. am i being too close? am i overwhelming? but citrus is always nice.

it's been that way a lot lately. i hungout with Insects in Second Life, and we're going to aggie soon. she says i'm easy to talk to. that's so nice. we'll aggie too.. and i go to conejo and people are nice to me..  and i don't really mask much anymore and am very upfront about my anxieties, but everyone is nice to me.

i keep getting anxious i'll wake up and everyone will tell me they hate me. they can't handle being around me anymore. i'm overwhelming. i'm stressful, but well, it's... easy to go through periods like that.. i think things are getting easier even if i'm going crazy right now.. it's kind of nice going crazy because it shows who will be there for me when i am in the dark. people who want to be close to me but can't handle my neuroticism.. always end up resenting me in the end. 

soon yaye market will happen in conejo. i'm a bit worried about table setup. i'm always tired lol. texturing in SL is a bit exhausting to me, but i'll probably just.. be silly with it lol. i've got lots of random items from makign the clubhouse.. the scripts stress me out, but i'll figure it out. i have to do all of my setup the 24th lol. i was making cds in advance but got soo lazy lol. had high hopes but..

i guess lazing around dorm so much making things pretty hard. it's too hot to walk around unless i get up in the mornings. if i had a car it'd be a bit easier since i could go out after 5PM, but i don't and Uber is evil. my motivation is decreasing, my appetite is disappearing..i've been eating one meal a day and getting scarily thin again. i'm worried it'll trigger old tendencies but eegghh. we'll see. it's hard to see how things will go. this will be my first fall without a dining plan in a while, but i'm thinking about subbing to a meal service. i think they aren't super good money wise.. but.. i'm.. i can't be trusted to buy groceries and if i spend money on something that i'm supposed to do by a certain time, i feel a bit more pressured to finish. 

oh, mm.. i have other randomt hings. on rednote, i have this post that keeps getting likes.it's the one where i'm in my nurse coord. it's at 500 now. that's crazy to me. i keep thinking it'll stop then i log in and there's more. i'm not used to attention, or the attention i get is kind of hard to see (ie i don't see itchio downloads increase and don't get any emails about it). my site i obscure my numbers on purpose for my and other's sake. 

it's nice.. rednote.. good social media. the girls are nice. i like being in female dominated social media. even people who aren't girls are called sisters... i love it very much. i also consistently like the content it gives me.. Instagram enrages me and TikTok being mostly short videos is not.. interesting, but my RedNote is all fashion. if Tumblr goes down, i think rednote will become my main social media haha. it won't ever be the same as Tumblr of course, but i feel my habits shifting. makes me want to learn some basic Chinese too.. 

Smiles. I like just showing off my coords and the clothes I like and talking to other girls about them. It's hard for me.. especially in western EGL circles.. I genuinely feel like such a freak. Even amongst old schoolers, I feel like.. a weird girl people don't really like. I know it's in my head, but it's hard not to think that way! And well, I'm tired of fighting those thoughts too. It's easier to just.. float down the stream with them ahaha.

I hope you're doing well, whoever is reading this. My entries have been a bit sad, but the year is actually looking very bright for me.. This summer is hard, but I'll likely have a job in fall. My girlfriend has a cat and seeing her happy has made me happy. and has also made me wish i was a cat. Smiles. I.. love you all. Thank you for reading my thoughts even if I don't know if anyone's reading.. I like that some people are here.. I make myself inaccessible because people message me and then.. it doesn't go weell.. And I don't have comments or claps or counters anything because it makes me anxious but.. I love you I love you. 

Surviving my typos, my mental breakdowns, my weird state of minds. It's all I can ask for... Your presence.