The diary has been reinstated! Apologies for the long wait. It was not a top priority because I was focused on moving all of my site over to a VPS and also life was very bad for a long time. I wanted to make my entries more positive but well, I also was so tired. Lying is kind of exhausting, and I'd rather not do it. I'm sure you understand. It's just so many of my old entries are so negative. I want to look into the future positively.. Archiving details of my life I know is important, but this was such a dark period that I just.. I don't wanna talk about pain I experience being kicked out of dorm and also I was having so many rumination issues- the diary entries would all be the same.



But I did come to a realization. In the past few months, I've been trying to figure out how to navigate relationships because they are so hard for me to figure out. In my previous life, I felt as though I should always be polite. Running ophazines meant to me that if someone was rude to me, I had to respond as kindly as possible even if I thought they were being ridiculous. I should never talk about any situation I'm in because it may seem similar to vaguing unless people involved aren't my friends. I shouldn't talk about my feelings to most people- it'll overwhelm everyone. Bla bla bla.



But I realized I actually don't know anything and was just operating on what I should do when masking. And well even when I mask, people still clock that I'm not completely neurotypical anyways, so why do I need to continue? And I had so much bad stuff happen in the past few months that I was forced to rely on friends for help. It ended up making me realize people are much kinder than I had anticipated. A lolita friend took me out for crabs yesterday, and she talked to me about her ex who she started hanging out again with recently. She likes to talk to me about her because I understand what schizophrenia is like since I'm on the schizophrenia spectrum. It's nice to me talking to her. She's a very normal person, but she still likes me even though she knows I struggle. We interact in a normal way and when I get worked up, she's very nice to me.



I was with another lolita friend a week or two ago and I was a bit stressed. When I've been with her lately, her daughters are also there because she's a mom and it's summer. She took me to a storage unit, and I had fun interacting with the two sisters. I like children. And well, the two of them remind me of my sisters in many ways.



I got really sad recently.. I entered intense periods of anxiety.. And friends would ask if I needed to hangout when they could tell I was on edge. It was interesting to me because I was so used to being alone or being told I needed to isolate. After 2021, I basically accepted that no one could handle me when I'm really distressed, but well, to be honest, that was silly. I talk to my friends through their anxieties and usually distract them if they want to be distracted.



Streaming Deltarune, talking about yaoi and yuri, web dev rambles, taking on projects, it's all been very pleasant. I liked knowing my friends wanted to be around me even through rough times and would generally give me the benefit of the doubt. It's something I can't even afford to give myself a lot of the time.



I have a lot of anxiety about acting in a lolcowish way. A lot of lolcows are obviously mentally ill, and many of the girls have BPD. I'm not going to lie. I don't think I have BPD, but my mom thinks I do, and some people I know say I do, so I just identify as having it so people don't think I'm in some kind of 'denial.' It's also possible I do have it, but am at a point in my life where I just experience it differently. I don't really experience extreme resentment, but I did as a teenager. I hate being rejected, but it's something I'm very used to and something I can do with. Of course, you're free to read my old diary entries and be the judge of that yourself.



One reason I try very hard to be a 'good girl' is because I don't want to end up like people such as Amberlynn Ried or other lolcows.. So many are people who are very aware of their mental illnesses but end up in the same cycles over and over again. I want to be aware of other people, but at the same time, I ended up doing this to such an extent that I thouhgt my own feelings and communication styles were a burden. And I realized that there's just no point in being friendly with everyone. When I was talked shit about during zine development, I didn't need to respond to anyone or be nice about it. It's good to be to avoid issues obviously, but it's not objectively mean for me to tell someone I don't like how they're talking to me and that I think they're being ridiculous.



I'd rather just.. be around people who want to be around me.



I reached out to my old friend and we talked about making music. He showed me his stuff, and we talked to me about JS frameworks. It was really delightful. I had disappeared on so many people trying to keep upo with so many folks around me. why did I do that when the conversations I had with certain people were always so positive.



Anyways, things are alright.I still get waves of anxiety, but I just picture the thought floating down the river, and I move on. It's.. difficult. Moving on from certain situations at times seems callous.. but.. It is important for the sake of living peacefully. I moved on from Neocities (am iin process of doing so) because people there also said weird things about me that were just.. kind of untrue. Not in a hurtful way just.. blatantly incorrect facts and it was so silly I just needed to go into my own little corner.



Anyways, I hope to update with more fruitful things soon. I needed to get all of this off my chest. Next time I'll talk about my CRT and other hobbies I'm getting into (I've been going to a video game store every week!).. It's been very hot every time. I also found a place that sells delicious red roobois tea. Wait for me if you'd like! The RSS feed should be fixed soon too so it'll be even easier!