my friends and i went out for tea at a nice tea house the comm tries to go to once a month. it was fun, but very hot. it was okay though! we spent most of the meet in doors.

many of my the members i'm closer to were there, so it ended up being super fun. i convinced a lot of the comm members to wear pink, so the photos i got were super cute.

i'm trying to take more photos in general at meets. it's something i enjoy. it's rather fun, and i think it's something i can do that's pleasing for people who have similar aesthetic senses to me (aesthetic tumblrina tastes). so i tried to go all out at this meet, and people seemed happy.

i sometimes don't prioritize these meets to this tea house because i have to either not drink tea or ask if my friend Rasa is going and if she is, she orders non caffeinated tea since she's the same as me (Rasa is kind and treats me often.. she's so kind). 

But this time, after I brought it up, everyone at our table was happy to order herbal hot tea called Blue Eyes! It was so yummy. Now I'm craving tea. Haha, it probably helped that everyone got sweet tea too. I chose to get water since Rasa did and I realized I'd just get a headahce. It's so hard to have a dietary restriction T_T

The food was yummy. The scones were great but not as good as the scones at Elisity's birthday part... Scones I think about so often. The sandwiches were good too. I didn't try the watermelon snack as I got very full ahaha.

I like the pudding though I gave mine to Elisity because I was so full! It's nice going out with groups for these sorts of things. I don't waste anything. My girlfriend and I dont' eat a lot. I want to take her here, but we'd probably waste food. I'd feel rather terrible as the person who runs this place is so sooo sweet. 

The tea house owner likes to take photos, so she took a group one. Buggie in the bottom, in pink next to the girl wearing Goeblin Teddy always glows so much in photos ah. I hadn't noticed until now. These sorts of group photos are hard for me for some reason. I never like how I look in them very much, but this includes every member that was here that day, so it'd be a shame to not include it.

Afterwards, we went outside. I was outside first because I was overstimulated in the teahouse. Buggie and Elisity showed up next. 

I like these photos. They're some of my favorite from the meet though. I often feel a bit out of place in photos because I'm the only old schooler often. There's technically two other old schoolers in comm- lichdolly and Robin, but it's not super often I get photos with them though I've been lucky to get photos with lichdolly recently on my birthday.

I also got some that day lol! I just remember More people trickled outside after we took our photos so we took more of them.

NOT VERY LADYLIKE

This happened randomly and at first I stood there awkwardly but managed to pose as I took the picture lol. I don't flip off the camera often but it ended up being one of my favorite photos lol. Things that would not be allowed in 2010s.

I got some pictures with Eden since i knew I had to go fast or I'd miss the opportunity lol. For once we were both in Old School though I'm wear a modern Taobao OP. But a WIN IS A WIN.

it'd be better if we were both in an abandoned alley. we don't really suit these sunny settings very well but these are cute hehe.

This is my favorite shoe picture to date of course! So cute. Lol, I should wear sweet more often, it's fun seeing this sort of cohesion. Of course, my shoes are really dark LOL.

The comm walked around for a while but Heather and I were melting, so we ended up calling it quits after a while. We took some pictures by the car though.

my favorite pic I've ever gotten with her lol.

some more normal ones also haha

we complained in the car about the heat. i want to come back here in fall when it isn't hell to be outside. people say we're overdressed in lolita but to be honest, i think it's too hot to be outside in general lol. southern summer has been hot for years, but i usually manage to survive, but this time it's just absolutely terrible.

anyways, thank you for reading!! i needed to write this entry before the day left my mind. it was a very simple affair so luckily it was very easy.

oh one that list. rasa got me a chococat!!

It's funny cause I just started my chococat collection. I saw a mini of him at Build a Bear. My friend told me resellers are selling him like crazy so I felt pretty lucky.

Have a nice day everyone!! also here's two sillies!

some years ago.. some incomprehensible amount of time.. my cousin's body was found in a public park.

she had been missing, but the police didn't really look for her. it was weird. i didn't feel anything.

when my grandad died, i didn't feel anything. i mean i cried for a day, but then i didn't feel anything for a long time. it was just a fact that he died. he had been dying for a long time. he had dementia and was a shadow of his former self. in his final years, he was so bony. a man who did farmwork, told jokes, drew beautiful portraits..

i liked to listen to him talk. i tried to be kind. i did love him. i still do. i sometimes wondered if maybe he'd be the only person who understood me if he was alive. my dad, who was absent for a long time, says i'm like him, but when i spoke to my grandad or thought about how he behaved when i was young, i understand him. he liked his old pickup truck despite it being nothing much. he was private and preferred being alone. when he got dementia, my granny didn't reach out for help caring fro him because she knew how much he liked to be alone. this is really everything someone like me or him could ask for though it's something i can't expect from anyone. i can't be loved like that, and i'm not sure i want to be. like, i want to be, but she had to suffer so much, and only got help after she herself was hospitalized via covid.

these are thoughts that circled my head when he had dementia, but after he died, i didn't feel anything. my dog, who i'd have since maybe 2008, died a bit later. he wasn't really mine at that point. he lived with my granny. and i liked that. it gave her someone in the  house. i mean she has people living withher now because my family is in turmoil. they're in the old rooms my mom and i used to live in.

at times i thought, i can't ever live here. i'd really like to. i had the opportunity to. my mom said i could, and when i said i wanted to, she immediately rescinded it because she loved me too much. i should've just persisted. i'm sure i could've gotten my way. but. i don't know if i regret any of it. or anything. i don't know what will happen.

my cousin was murdered. her body was found in a park. i didn't deserve to grieve. i didn't deserve anything. i wasn't really close to her. i was weird and black sheep for a long time, but cousins close to me were. my dearest cousin from childhood, another cousin i spent my emo days with.. we'd talk about anorexia and slf harm and alternative music.

i didn't. know what to say. i tried. to reach out to my dear cousin from childhood, but the emo cousin had long sense stopped talking to me, and it'd befweird to talk to someone who's grown up while at your core, you're still the same. the phjase for them had become your entire life. you never got better.

my cousin was murdered a few years ago.

i didn't cry. i could hardly stay awake at the funeral. it hought it was ahorrible affair. i tried really hard. i think i have a sleep disorder, but i'd never qualify for a diagnosis, and even if i got one, i would neevr get sympathy anyways.

my grandad died  a few years ago. i only cried once. maybe a few more times. i kept it private.

my dog died. i cried once. i cried once at that time.

everyone is dying. it's getting faster. my granny. i never gave seen her cry. i've never seen her cry. i've never seen her cry.

my grandad's mother died. mama ****. she was in her late 90s. my uncle said she died from loneliness. no one visited. i thought this to be true, but when you visited her, she wanted you to leave. she did like people coming over. we had family reunions often.

i doubt we would've gotten along, but i wish i asked her about her life.

my cousin sally died at 106 years old. i was young. she was a figure i bragged about to others. 'i have a cousin who's over a 100 years old.' i didn't know what she looked like. i think i've seen her house before. i'm not sure. i know she was closer to the owner of aw ooden house i saw go up in flames. my granny, me, and my granny's sister sat on the side of the road. the flames grew higher, yet it didn't spread to the woods somehow.

a white man ran around talking about the gas tanks. did he know us?i'm not sure. i haven't seen him since.

the clouds are nice and plush today. the sunlight burned my fern to death despite how much i watered it. there's nothing you can do if you don't know certain things can happen.  still, it's hard to ask for help. people encourage you to, but it's not how things work n practice.

this is why i have been a bit too crazy with my scissors.

My birthday is july 25th. did you know that? i looked through my entries and it looks like i don't update often on my birthday. in 2022, i wrote

'I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been so busy. But, I’m 19! Isn’t that wild. Next year I’m 20, which is terrible.' Apparently that day i was thinking about my mom burning my killstar cardigan jaja. I still talk about that sometimes haha... Mention it in passing in conversations with frinds when talking about my history with alternative clothing.

Anyways, today was nice. I finished my self hosting guide which I need to officially add to the links today. I've been sort of out of it.. Demotivated as one might say, so doing that and seeing some people use it after thinking no one would is nice. I had comments on on the post on Bluesky but knew I'd limit them.. I did even faster than I thouhgt I would haha.

People are kind. I got too used to being around people who can't read things I have to say no matter how much I simplify them because they get overwhelmed. This is a common trait among humans- panicking at long text dumps or just not understanding them / finding them overwhelming / associating it with anger, but with guides it's nice... Sometimes people use them. Sometimes they don't.

If someone wants to reach out to me, they can, but I have such limited ways to contact me that a lot of people don't bother unless they're really putting in effort to make something and need to ask me for help to proceed. I don't really like talking about concepts or random ideas when guiding someone because it's a waste of energy. It's why I always procrastinate on making free resources and ask people to pay me for things. You can do a lot for someone, but they won't use it. But if I'm paid, even if they don't use it, I have money now. You understand yes?

Anyways, I talk about birthday now. I went downtown with my girlfriend and comm members Eden and Heather (+ comm members family members). I got gifts from everyone and Eden says they'll give me a belated gift that has parts currently in shipping hell.

Heather gave me a Summer Tales Boutique tote bag which is a  delight. I'm very tote bag pilled.. But a lot of EGL tote bags are too small, so i'm happy! She also gave me a Moitie necklace with a cross. I'm so so happy. My girlfriend gave me a Kuromi to go in my collection which delights me. We talked a lot later. She said gift giving makes her anxious, and she likes to ask people what they want. I dislike telling someone a gift I want in advance as for me the fun of a gift is someone knowing what I like and giving it to me, but she told me having a list of stores I like is good too (which made me happy because I have so many stores).

The kuromi is perfect of course. NEVER ENOUGH KUROMIS. Esp since I have an apartment in August. One of my roommates will have Mikus. I'll have Kuromis. Moefie the world.

We got dessert at a bakery at the start of the day, but I took no pictures of my sweets. I got a strawberry donut and ice cream + roobois tea. I'm going to get ice cream at dessert places usually now. I just.. like ice cream more than a pastry. 

Outside the bakery, we took some pics in some corners.

my cutiepie wife and lone coord photo

Later on we went to an Episcolpian church. I kept giving my wife my parasol. I dote on her a lot. I don't like the sun, but she's so pale she gets sunburn. She didn't think the parasol would be helpful, but after our fair date, she was surprised that she wasn't as sunburned as she'd usually be after an outing like that. So I tried to keep her covered most of today.

It was nice to get crowded photos.It's nice that it was my birthday because I could ask for photos and not feel annoying. The church photos really delight me. We're all so crowded. Even one of the girl's is in Milk and I found the other child's leapord / cheetah print to be cute. I hope when I go to Guilded Age, I can get more pictures like this, but it's hard for me to ask.. I felt bad as the youngest child was very bored, but I know kids are often like that ahaha.

We walked back down the street and hungout at a vintage store for a bit. I was getting tired, but was unsure of why, so I took a lot of low effort photos haha.

I tried a curling gel for the first time. I think it kept my hair pretty normal  despite the humidity, but I think it could be even better as I added the gel days after twisting. I want to wash my hair tonight maybe. Yes. I really should tonight. It's so late, but I'm so tired. I need to wash some socks too by hand haha.

Eden bought a beautiful white dress. I didn't really look around. I rarely find things in these kind of stores aside from pajamas, and I didn't see in nightgowns here. While sitting there, we realized many of us were hungry, so we headed to where we planned to eat.

The sushi was yummy. I've been into really simple rolls lately (though this isn't as simple as I go for recently.) They are always easy on my stomach and on Wednesdays, I can get them for really cheap - like $5 - $7, and usually I just need one to be okay. 

That's about all we did today! My girlfriend drove me back home, and we were lovey dovey in the car. She can be hard to read, but I think this is a good thing as it forces me to communicate. I like her so much. I like when her seeing her skin turn a bit red when she's embarrassed. I like that her hair is bleached right now as she convinces herself to dye it. That she procrastinates, that she likes piercings and tattoos.

I like seeing her on her phone and thinking about the fandoms she likes. I like that she talks to me about ships she loves. I love her. I love her. I don't wanna leave this area next year. I want to be with her so so much. I want to be with her. When we seperate, I never want her to leave. I'm happy she came today. It means so much to me..

It's hard to know. I think she knows. Emotions can be impossible to communicate, but I think she knows a lot about my feelings and I like to hear... She's also very empathetic, so maybe she's just nice. Or maybe she speaks so sweetly because she loves me.. Hehe..

She said her job is to be my number one fan.. She like swhen my hair gets puffy... She always thinks I'm beautiful.. In her car with ym dress spread out over the seat as she drove, i felt like a little doll riding in the car with my loved one. It made me really happy.

Sorry, so much gushing! I love her! I love her! I can't believe I found her!!

I must sleep now haha. It's late!! I finished before 12AM though! Birthday post made!

Hello! Today i played more minecraft with citrus. I got screenshots today, and many are nice! I'll show you them. Let's begin.

This is Citrus's watch tower. It's huge and always visible from the village. I've been playing with shaders , and looking at the watch tower with them is so nice. Towering in the distance, sometimes just a silhouette in front of the sun. It really makes Minecraft feel more magical! And it was easy to set up too! And I have a gaming laptop.. It's not like a heavy gaming laptop, but it works super well with the shaders most of the time! As long as I don't have too many windows open!

We did a lot of mining and exploration today. I started mining for a reason I can't recall (probably because I love the mines), and got tired of the cave I was in. Citrus joined me because he needed deepslate, but we ended up getting lost in the sauce down there. 

The caves in Minecraft are crazy now, and there's so many of them.

I ended up exploring after mining. I was on the haunt for vines. I kept finding new things I hadn't seen before. It makes me feellike a child again.. Discovering so much.

 
I didn't take a lot of screenshots cause I was so focused one exploring, but I ended up in the jungle. I found a temple and collected lots of vines. Our first base is full of cherry blossoms, and I've been working on cherry blossom staircases and arches. I wanted some vines, so I was focused on collecting them.

I ended up discovering this bamboo subforest. No pandas! Maybe they're not in the jungle. I'm not sure. Citrus is familiar with a lot more than I am. He told me that the bamboo can be farmed and grown anywhere and about scaffolding. 

Eventually I came upon the badlands which actually didn't interest me very much at first, but then Citrus explained that the Badlands has a higher mineshaft spawn rate. We've been struggling to keep up our iron and coal for quite some time, so I started exploring. Eventually, Citrus teleported to me, and we descended. We found a mineshaft and collected chains, railroads, and of course common mineshaft things.

At first I thought it wasn't very large, but it was actually.. quite big. I don't know if we explored all of it though it was kind of difficult due to aforementioned coal shortage. It was fun that way though.

I was talking about wanting to go to the End eventually to see the cities and new stuff and then I saw Stone slabs. At first I thought it was an end fortress, but it was actually a trials dungeon! 

We hungout there for a while. Brog joined for a bit too. We fought mobs and got lots of loot. I want to go back with enchanted armor. We did do one of the "Bad Omen" trials (gives you better loot) but it was really difficult with our armor set. We did make an enchantment table today though!

At first I actually thought the copper blocks (the blue ones) were diamonds! But of course the devs wouldn't make  it that easy ahaha. Though finding diamonds actually wasn't very hard.. Not super easy of course, but I don't think we'll be desperately searching for them anytime soon.. Coal on the other hand.... 

We saw some new mobs, Strays and this.. Blaze like this. It throws wind charges at you, and it makes you fligh in the air. They weren't too hard to fight, more annoying really. You're more likely to fall from fall damage. Maybe fighting them with some enchanted boots or an elytra would be good.

We stayed there for a while. We actually both left at some point to eat dinner (I walked to Cookout). Eventually I was like, "let's bounce." We saved the coords though smiles.

After that, we ended up.. Walking more? I honestly don't recall how this happened, but at  some point, Citrus and I were at the desert. We found a desert village and a coral bloom biome. We've decided we'll make another base there, and I'll focus on the minecart system, while Citrus makes large watch towers as landmarks.

The coral bloom next to the desert was so beautiful. I hope to get screenshots next time. We were discovering so much

Home base is going really well. Today I found out Citrus ahs been farming the Cherry blossoms like crazy. There were actually only two in the original biome, but Citrus managed to populate our village with them. I decided to grow a forest out from the original Cherry Blossom biome though it's less pretty to look at the skylinen in that direction now.. Ill do some more terraforming.

Citrus is done with a lot of his main stuff here I think (the house and watch tower) but I'll be continuing to optimize the village and this will always be home base. It is around world spawn, and I actually moved the world spawn to the center of the village haha.

I have no interest in building a house or anything. I don't know why. I like to decorate and ergnomic things are fun, but houses are a bit stressful, but luckily Citrus built me a room. We started decorating right before bed time. This is mine right now. I hope to go collect lots of flowers and weird items. This maintaining was a nice find.. I wish you could tend the windows from the inside.

Hm that's about it! It was a long session. I've had lots of fun playing. I got bored of Minecraft for a long time. I guess the childish wonder was replaced by familiarity, but so much in the new game is alien to me. From small things like ore generation mechanics to larger things like the new biomes and structures!

I was worried unmodded would be boring and the old item frame texture pack i used to use doesn't seem to exist anymore, but I'm having a delightful time!! I was worried I'd be overwhelmed but the game introduces things to you in a way that makes sense, even without words!

Soon we'll customize our skins.. Do you recognize Citrus? I played the last chapter of Deltarune recently. I should log it on the media page soon!

hi everyone. i just got back from walking. i went out to buy cookout and to stop by the post office. i 

this picture is kind of scary lol

at cookout a white boy howled at me, it was weird lol. i don't know what noise it was, he howled then said "what's up girl" or something and my easily anxious as was a bit freaked out lol, but now it's funny. i had my headphones on and was focused on some video about death caps when this huge group of boys walked in. i'm usually pretty invisible, but i get the big bow on my head (not pictured in photo lol) made me a bit obvious.

i ended up leaving. they were so loud, and i was a  bit on edge due to going out because i like the silence. i walked around a bit more. my friend in europe woke up while i was walking, and i sent her a picture of mushrooms i got.

such a lucky find

i find these walks to be pleasant even if i am a bit anxious the entire time. i like the silence and lack of people. wearing all black isn't good for visibility, but i like blending into the dark. it's not something i can do back home because crime is so bad, but here it's a bit easier. i still am careful though. i do it every once in a while to avoid taking the same routes over and over. it's scarier in summer because there's less students on campus.

anyway, before all of this, i'd been playing minecraft with Citrus. it was super fun. i'm not sure i got many screenshots though the skin i have in MC isn't the best anyways. i am hosting the server myself- no dedicated server needed or anything. i allocated 2.5GB of RAM. i worry this won't be enough, but well the MC server is actually well under it most of the time. the highest i've seen it at is 37% usually right after i edit the YML file, but today it hovered around 23%. i make lower it to 2.0 as the server is around 94%-85% usage most of the time.. though it's okay.. it's not really a big deal. i just get freaked out easily. i can still monitor it in game.

the spawn was nice. we're playing on the latest minecraft version with Minecraft Paper.  playing with citrus is nice. citrus builds more than me. he's building a giant watchtower, and it's been great. today, he stood at the top telling me where to go to kill skeletons and spiders. we also had a silly mishap with the campire where i put it out while holding a shovel. it was funny.

the shaders are so beautiful too.. when i used ot play minecraft, my abusers set up everything for me.. it was never super fun playing with them admittedly, but i just liked being with them.. it was a nice memory back then, but i realized now.. i like.. umm.. sometimes servers aren't fun because people spread out in different directions doing their own thing, which is okay, but I like playing with Citrus because.. Citrus is just very great. i told him i'd stay in his house because i'm bad at building, and he didn't have any hesitance. it was nice... i am not used to being.. someone's friend in such a sincere way. i usually have to be so careful.. am i being too close? am i overwhelming? but citrus is always nice.

it's been that way a lot lately. i hungout with Insects in Second Life, and we're going to aggie soon. she says i'm easy to talk to. that's so nice. we'll aggie too.. and i go to conejo and people are nice to me..  and i don't really mask much anymore and am very upfront about my anxieties, but everyone is nice to me.

i keep getting anxious i'll wake up and everyone will tell me they hate me. they can't handle being around me anymore. i'm overwhelming. i'm stressful, but well, it's... easy to go through periods like that.. i think things are getting easier even if i'm going crazy right now.. it's kind of nice going crazy because it shows who will be there for me when i am in the dark. people who want to be close to me but can't handle my neuroticism.. always end up resenting me in the end. 

soon yaye market will happen in conejo. i'm a bit worried about table setup. i'm always tired lol. texturing in SL is a bit exhausting to me, but i'll probably just.. be silly with it lol. i've got lots of random items from makign the clubhouse.. the scripts stress me out, but i'll figure it out. i have to do all of my setup the 24th lol. i was making cds in advance but got soo lazy lol. had high hopes but..

i guess lazing around dorm so much making things pretty hard. it's too hot to walk around unless i get up in the mornings. if i had a car it'd be a bit easier since i could go out after 5PM, but i don't and Uber is evil. my motivation is decreasing, my appetite is disappearing..i've been eating one meal a day and getting scarily thin again. i'm worried it'll trigger old tendencies but eegghh. we'll see. it's hard to see how things will go. this will be my first fall without a dining plan in a while, but i'm thinking about subbing to a meal service. i think they aren't super good money wise.. but.. i'm.. i can't be trusted to buy groceries and if i spend money on something that i'm supposed to do by a certain time, i feel a bit more pressured to finish. 

oh, mm.. i have other randomt hings. on rednote, i have this post that keeps getting likes.it's the one where i'm in my nurse coord. it's at 500 now. that's crazy to me. i keep thinking it'll stop then i log in and there's more. i'm not used to attention, or the attention i get is kind of hard to see (ie i don't see itchio downloads increase and don't get any emails about it). my site i obscure my numbers on purpose for my and other's sake. 

it's nice.. rednote.. good social media. the girls are nice. i like being in female dominated social media. even people who aren't girls are called sisters... i love it very much. i also consistently like the content it gives me.. Instagram enrages me and TikTok being mostly short videos is not.. interesting, but my RedNote is all fashion. if Tumblr goes down, i think rednote will become my main social media haha. it won't ever be the same as Tumblr of course, but i feel my habits shifting. makes me want to learn some basic Chinese too.. 

Smiles. I like just showing off my coords and the clothes I like and talking to other girls about them. It's hard for me.. especially in western EGL circles.. I genuinely feel like such a freak. Even amongst old schoolers, I feel like.. a weird girl people don't really like. I know it's in my head, but it's hard not to think that way! And well, I'm tired of fighting those thoughts too. It's easier to just.. float down the stream with them ahaha.

I hope you're doing well, whoever is reading this. My entries have been a bit sad, but the year is actually looking very bright for me.. This summer is hard, but I'll likely have a job in fall. My girlfriend has a cat and seeing her happy has made me happy. and has also made me wish i was a cat. Smiles. I.. love you all. Thank you for reading my thoughts even if I don't know if anyone's reading.. I like that some people are here.. I make myself inaccessible because people message me and then.. it doesn't go weell.. And I don't have comments or claps or counters anything because it makes me anxious but.. I love you I love you. 

Surviving my typos, my mental breakdowns, my weird state of minds. It's all I can ask for... Your presence.

i'm out of bed, but was in bed until 4:20. rather embarrassing and shameful really. i actually woke up at 8AM but was so overwhelmed by the thought of washing my hair, id ecided to go back to  bed. then ended up having constant nightmares.i'd wake up over and over in each dream, but little things would make me realize i'm not awake. like being too short toreach the door handle. i wastoo scared to stay asleep at some point because i kept dreaming about a man trying to shoot me and probably some other things i don't recall. 

this is a sign that i shouldn't be sleeping all day and i should really listen to it. it's hard to go outside because of the heat, but i shouldn't spend hours in bed as a remedy. it's just..i'm even tired of my computer..? isn't that wierd?

i think this boredom is very bad, so tomorrow i think i'll pick back up actively studying Japanese though i'm not sure where to start. citrus recommended i go to the site lesssons and doing some kanji study which i will do, but i think i need something more.. methinks i'll practice writing by hand again. but i'm rather lazy and hate doing this. it's not particularly useful to me either outside of writing the radicals in Jisho for looking up unknown kanji, but even when I was actively writing Kanji and motivated, i was rather bad at it.

i don't know. i just know i need to beat this boredom fueled lethargy before it becomes something much wose. when i woke up at 8AM, i knew i could get up but just didn't have the desire to. i can draw in the evenings, i can do homework in the evenings, and i'm tired of school and my room always feels too messy but i hate going into study rooms. cleaning my room never takes long.. yes.

i will beat this for sure. now i'm going to go wash my hair and wash some movies while i blow dry it. i need to make use of time before i have a job that makes me wake up at 6AM and sit in an office most of the day. yes.

a girl named tuna recommended an anime for me to watch. i'll watch it as my hair dries.. but to be honest i hate blow drying my hair.. i'd must rather twist it.. but everyone places emphasis on blow drying it so maybe i should make it part of my routine.. but my hair acts the same whether i twist it or blow dry it anyways.

so i'll just twist it bc that's what i like to do and why do something else when i know my hair acts the same way anyways. i just hate when people don't think i know how my hair acts. i've had other people blow dry it too.. but it's the same every time.. twisting vs not blow drying. 

i going to buy some mousse today too. but i think i need to give up on twist outs maybe in this humidity, but i'll try a bit more. i don't know lol. research time.

also goddessofblood (Sienan) gave me an easy stir fry mix. i usually just use teriyaki because i'm lazy but this was a foodhack and god knows i love foodhacks (it's how i used to make omurice.. wow i should make omurice). i hope to add a search function to this blog soon so i'll be able to find this easily.

"For sauce I mix Soy Sauce with 'Yum Yum Sauce'.  Somewhere around a 1:3 ratio? Its pretty forgiving, though too much soy sauce will drown everything.  Anyways, then add garlic, a pinch or two of ginger, and curry powder. I don't, have specific measurements. As long as you use less than like,

2 tablespoons (alot) of garlic or curry powder it should come out tasty :)  And super easy to make.  You can add more/different spices too. Sometimes I'll add some chili oil :) For an extra simple meal, I'll pour the ingredients on veggies in a bowl, mix, and throw in an pre-heated frying pan.

Its very much a 'food hack' & i'm sure tastes different from a normal sauce but.  Its so easy and tastee :)"

writitng this has motivated me! everyone has been so nice and i have so many activities everyone has given me. stir frye, anime, HAM radio, and lots of reading (though i haven't been in a big reading mood jaja). i have eleanor oliphant from antique store i can eeven read while in bed. i should set it on top of my CRT!

soon yaye market will happen and i'll be busy with table setup 24th! 25th i have bday bakery day! 26th i go out for high tea with friends! the bed was sucking out my energy but i can do it! 

Hello! Hello! I wrote this entry and got to 900+ words then accidentally deleted it. I've done this multiple times but that entry was actually interesting to me, so I finally added a confirmation script before closing the page. It works easily and I found it with a simple Qwant search on stackoverflow. I am such a clown, but well, perhaps it was best to direct inwards anyways.

Anyways, that's okay. We'll see how much I want to talk this go around. Today I stopped by the Post Office and got a letter from the largest medical provider in the area that I could now get medically necessary procedures free of charge until December. Isn't that delightful? I am a bit worried about what they deem to be 'medically necessary' but I hope to call them tomorrow and ask about it.

Coords that aren't really lolita but still use my lolita sensibilities are fun. My hair and the sockless rhs combo reminds me of VW. It'd be perfect with a big chunky orb but the rosary my wife gave me makes me happy too.

I will now talk about Elisity's birthday. We went to a more rural part of Appalachia, and I rode with Elisity. I stopped by her apartment and met a cat named chicken nugget. I saw him when we were in the parking lot from outside the window. Orange, pretty sweert. He sniffed my fingers, but didn't seem comfortable with me rubbing him, so I didn't attempt to. 

I stood around a bit awkwardly, but it was nice talking to Elisity's friends. It made me feel very normal. Which I know sounds weird, but I've been rather on edge. Thinking about my abusers because a recent situation is playing out in a similar way to the end of that friendship, but well, it's not nearly as bad. In truth, I am not mad at anyone and msotly just upset because it's sending me back to the past. I am gettng overly cautious, avoiding people, asking for reassurance. Everyone in my life now is very sweet to me about this, but I'm still always scared.

Elisity's family member is one of those people who has lots of unfinished projects across their land. I have some family member's like that too but I'm not on their property too much outside of family reunions or random visits with Granny. Granny and I don't go out as much as we used to since people tend to get more disabled as they age, so I don't get to visit those places much anymore. This place felt very homey to me but also different in that there were so many hills. 

Rural areas in different regions always feel like home despite the qualities that are alien to me, so this ended up being one of my favorite lolita meets. I also just love being invited to birthday parties. I don't remember the order in which everyone arrived, but of course when Heather came, I followed her around like a small duckling.

She wore a blouseless coord and looked so pretty! She also had a parasol, and we took many pictures together.

i like these pics a lot because we're reminiscient of mushrooms

We took more too. I got a candid of her looking into the distance, and I wanted to get a pic of us showing off our rings. 

 
Make shift brass knuckles huh.

I am so happy I have a tripod now and am not really shy about taking photos. Heather likes them as much as I do, so it's always fun going to meets with her. She isn't into creepy things as much as me, but she does like cemeteries! Perhaps because it's a location alt people go in general across all subcultures? Or because they're beautiful and have lovely statues? I should ask her about this someday.

I took photos with other friends too and also captured some video of us meowing happy birthday.

We never take photos together for some reason. Eden doesn't come to many meets, and when they do, I guess we're usually focused on other things (like eating sushi). These are probably some of the only proper photos I have with them?

You guys don't know what I'd do to eat more of these scones.. I just messaged Elisity for the recipe

The food was yummy, and the table was cute. There was more, but I was at the end of the table, so pictures were hard to get (and also I didn't want to snap while people were chewing). The cake was also cute though I didn't eat a slice because I'd stuffed myself with chicken salad croissants.

Elisity and her cake

I asked Elisity for photos too. I don't think we get to hangout a lot despite being at the same meets. I like Elisity because she is always stating her mind without worrying about how she is perceived by others, and she's a smart and strong person. I really respect her a lot!

today she wore sweet!

She wears sweet and classic and is considering getting Gobelin teddy. If she does, I will make twinning happen. Elisity comes to enough of the meets that I can ask her about it consistently, and she isn't too far from me either! It'd be a different cut and color, but i still think it'll be so cutes.

At the end of the meet, I started to get a headache. I was in and out of Heather's car cause.. I wasn't paying attention when brewing my teas and drank caffeine. I also drank sweet tea which also had caffeine. So I Died. I sat in the car listening to migraine sounds, but found excedrin in my bag. Eden brought me water, and I took it.

It did start to rain though so I got back in the car because being wet makes me insane lol, especially in that OP because it is so light. I'd be a soaking wet cat. I felt bad for not cleaning up but rain. 

Elisity and other friends went to Miniso and out for Hibachi, but Heather took me home since she was headed back and I was dying a bit. I wanted to go, but I was a bit tired and also broke and I knew if I stayed out, my headache would not get better.

The meet was very insightful to me. I like seeing everyone talk and their views on things. We talked about Ethel Cain's past racism which made me comfortable since people spoke prettty candidly on their thoughts. It's on my mind because when riding back, Heather and I saw this big confederate flag that said 'heritage not hate' (which makes no sense).

I don't really hate anyone for their beliefs even if I don't feel safe around them or want to stay away from them, but hearing a lot of my comm members talk openly about Ethel's actions was nice to me. I don't listen to Ethel because I don't like her music, so I didn't have many thoughts other than 'it doesn't surprise me' because a lot of people from back that sphere back then (nicole dollanganger, lana del rey, etc) were weird in various ways (including being racist), but well, I like.. that they thought about how they wanted to engage with Ethel's work knowing she was so openly racist and still does weird shit from time to time.

It's like..hard to bring that kind of thing up to people so I avoid doing so. Truthfully I avoid doing it myself because I don't really care a lot of the time, and if I'm hanging out with someone and they start voicing things that make it obvious they don't care about black people's wellbeing at all to the point where they say things that are actively harmful to us, I can't hangout with them.

I don't expect everyone to care about us, but well, for people I am close to, it's important that they're aware of.. that. Especially in white dominated areas in the South. I experience a lot of racism but don't talk about it outside of my black friends or my girlfriend, so it was nice that they all discussed it without me even prompting them. It allows me to get closer to them...

I'm just having a nice time lately. I've been going out lots. Mom and granny say they don't know anyone who goes out as much as me haha which is a bit embarrassing but fun! My antique shops, my caves, visiting friends, tea parties, bakeries, it's what I live for! Life is scary still, but all of these activities reminds me of why it's so fun to keep living!

Even my online activities have been nice! Making new dev peers, reading lots of vns (the toxic yuri vn jam has 211 entries, crazy, I won't be reading all of them and told Kyou 'rest in peace' lovingly of course). I think I'll spend a lot of this week taking it easy. Do some dev, work on my dollmaker, artfight attacks, etc etc.

Thank you for reading! Please stay safe, especially if it's hot where you are!

Today I had a date with my girlfriend! I am so happy! It was really fun. I hadn't seen her in so long. I was decaying. This is likely our last year being able to see each other really often, and I tend to start the grieving process kind of early, so I've been in a weird state as I think about leaving this part of the state. I just can't see anything other than a depressing future,but I'm hoping my mom ends up buying a nice hosue and I like living there.

ANYWAYS. Back to date. My wife's job has been working her to death, so it's hard to see her as often, but I think well see each other more. She didn't want to travel before her kpop concert (to see SKZ), so I was soo patient, but seeiing her made me soooo HAPPY!!!

I've been so stressed because of lots of dumb bullshit, but seeing her takes up my entire view of the world, and even if i'm stressed, it's like she's a light that calms me down. It's very crazy to me. I've felt infatuation in my life and thought I was in love, but I think this is love..? I want to wait for her forever, and she seems to want to wait for me to. Even if we get seperated post college, we talk like we'll keep trying to see each other and make things work. It's so crazy to me.. I really like her.

I was worried. The ferris wheel was small and a country affair. A child checked us in lol. 

I had to use filegarden to upload these, my files got really mad at me lol, so if filegarden goes away, sorry loool. I was being cringe in the video so uploading it iin its original form would've been a bit embarrassing.

Rain is better at handling rides than I am actually lol. At first I'd check in on her but by end, she made sure I was okay to ride the ring of fire!! I felt kind of embarrassed, but it was also nice. I'm usually the bravest and checking on others, so it was new to me.

The ferris wheel was really fun. Admittedly I was excited more the idea of a date at the fair. Rain liked the fair itself a lot though I did too by the end. I was worried, but she seemed really delighted, and I also got really happy and excited. It was fun listening to music and everything. It made me think about all the places I want to go with her, and how much I love her. 

with the privacy of the ferris wheel, i gave her a kiss!

The rides were really nice to me. There was one, the Hurricane, that was very intense, and of course the fireball was too, but they were both really fun. Hurricane played good music, and the ride casted shade over the grass. People were moving chairs to sit in the shade, so we did too a few times to eat or relax after riding. I'd be a bit dizzy sometimes haha!

I really love her. I really really love her. I've never felt like this. It's weird. When we're apart and reunite, I feel like I fall more and more. I want to hold her and relax. It'd be so so nice. We decided our next date after my birthday will be something chill. I want to take her to a teahouse downtown and an antique shop that gives you a discount with $5+ purchase. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a nightgown if I go back there.

I can't wait to see my love again!! You're such a lovely person!!! I love you I love you I'm so honored to be loved by you!!

i'll probably have to split this entry and write it across the day. i'm headed to my storage unit today because i've been losing my mind and also well, my girlfriend and i are having a date tomorrow, and i'd like to wear something fun. it's at a fair though so i'm realizing rockiing horse shoes are definitelty not the move, but  iwa nt them..a nd like.. i just want more clothing optioins nyah..

i have a lot to talk about. i wore this coord to a meet yesterday. we went out for sushi, and i got a seafood roll and a dragon roll or something. it had eel on top, and i love sushi with eel. truly one of the meats of all time.

i was anxious at first but had a lot of fun by the end. talking with friends nice, and i just always try to be kind even if something is making me on edge. we had to wait an hour which was making one friend antsy which in turn made me anxious, and we were the last group to leave the restaurant. next time i may call ahead, but well, comm members have a habit of reserving and then not showing up which makes reserving these kinds of events hard.

we went to barnes and noble before.t here wasn't a lot of yuri i was super familiar withor manga i was interested in in general outside of big things like junji ito. those bookstores also often have big ghibli displays which is nice.it's usually miyazaki focused so there's never whisper of the heart merchandise, but i like all the nausicaa stuff. wish i had a job.

kyou and i visited a commercial cave nearby. apparently tennessee is the cave state, and they stretch across the entire state. i wish my siblings were here- i'd take them, but my family never visits me. sometimes they come relatively close, but never really stop by. haha.

it was very beautiful. our tour guide was also a thruhiker! he hiked the appalachian trail- starting in Maine and ending in Georgia. i love thruhikers and listening to them. it's something i think i could do in another life, but i love luxury very much. i also love being clean and eating seasoned crab. i love to listen though. the appalachian trail community is interesting.. running into people, seeing them later at festivals.. etc etc. it's kind of magical to me.

kyou and i also hungout in antique shops. i got many pictures though not all are nice. some i could make better with editing, but i don't wanna do that now so you will get many in their pure unaltered form.

it was a very beautiful antique store. kyou bought me a $2 copy of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine which i am happy about. i've been rereading it slowly but surely in between activities. last timew i read it, my reading sessions were super far apart, so i would like to read it relatively quickly this time so i can evaluate it properly.

kyou is back home. they are safe, and that makes me happy. i worry i was horrible to share a room with as i move around a lot, and the last night, i was goign insane over a coding project then showered at 5AM, but i had fun.

i'm always worried, but i want  to trust what people say to me becuase people who hold resentment or dont communicate with me whent hey have an issue- well, i just can't allow myself to worry about something i don't know.

i am heading to my storage unit now. soon the website will have a game that will only be available here due to itchio not allowing PHP and me refusing to set up image arrays by hand...  it will be a dress up game, so it probably doesn't suit my itchio anyways jaja. still, it would've been fun for people to post their dolls in the comments. perhaps i will find a way.

i hope you have a nice day. hopefully the next entry is about my date with my lovely wife. bye bye!

These were some of the fireworks I captured with my tripod outside my window. I have several minutes of video though not all is in focus (you have to lower the brightness to capture glowing things in the dark without it being absolutely grainy, but lowering it too much makes the camera incapable of focusing). 

It was a delight. It made me feel like a proper photographer. I love using my tripod.. Photography and video stuff doesn't come naturally to me, so whenever I learn something or people like what I photograph/record, I'm very happy.

Anyways, Kyou came a day or two ago. They're traveling lots and staying for a few days! I'm happy. I'm a terrible host though! I forgot to wash all my sheets. I'm doing it now. Also my period started, so I'm hardly alive. We came back,and I had to lie in bed for a while just with a heating pad, and Kyou got Japanese Takeout.

We've been eating lots of Asian food but we had a burger today too which killed my organs lol, but was #worth. Kyou got that bulgogi roll, but I'd lost my appetite after eating my sushi, so I didn't try it, but when I have money again, I want to try it!

Kyou being here has been really nice. I get to help them save hundreds on meals, they help me not starve to death, and we both get to hangout and have fun together. We're both on our laptops right now watching insane YouTube documentaries. Right now we're on the GME/BBBY rabbit hole which I love sharing with friends.

Sharing documentaries with people is one way I express love lol. I did it with my girlfriend too. I showed that one to Kyou, and they also loved it.

Admittedly I'm anxious I'm an awful host, but I believe everything Kyou tells me and they haven't expressed any displeasure to me. They're always very nice. I'll be sad when they move to Mexico but at least it's just a border away. We'll probably meet up at con or something in the future yip yap.

I cleaned up my room a bunch too before they came.. made it nice and pretty lawl. Originally it was nice, but mainly at my desk. Now the wall is covered in my dresses and pictures of the kazakh metro Io sent me.

Also, I should talk about What Is It Like to Taste and general thoughts. I've been anxious lol, but everything is nice. My games tend to take a while for me to hear people's thoughts. I'm not in the largest Toxic Yuri server and have my DMs closed on every platform so no one can reach out to me either (this is for the best even if it's a bit sad), but friends have told me their thoughts, I got a nice long comment and two other nice ones (from a judge and another from Zed (hhiii zed <3)), and I think I will get more..? Maybe? Comments tend to come in slowly. It's hard for me to predict how this project will do  because it's long. It's in a lot of collections though, and I see people downloading it.

Truly I want to hear people's thoughts, and I've heard many that mean a lot to me. So I have what I want, and I've won the game. I'm happy. My friend told me she read RehAIbilitation a while ago and it made her cry. And I get random comments or messages like that, and they cheer me up. I am confident that What Is It Like To Taste is a good experience. 

ANYWAYS. I have not much else to say LOL. Since What Is It Like to Taste is finished and Kyou is here, I've been focused on Kyou and doing random things. Little bits of game dev, talking to Kail, guts, making plans, waiting for job,being in the negatives in my bank account but living foolishly, thinking about clothes, etc etc.

I'll be in a fashion show at a festival soon so perhaps I'll talk about that next entry!

"please forgive me for being so upset during my period 💧💧💧"

Today was nice. I released my Toxic Yuri Jam visual novel, and it's the largest vn I've ever made. That's really good. I'm really happy about that. I have two nice comments, one from Zed, and another from a dev named deaddeaddeath who I can recognize from a game called Heatwave, which has been on my to play list for a long time. I actually recognized them abit more from their VN stock photography which I had downloaded on my old computer. I want to distribute stock too someday.

My period started today. I knew it'd be soon. I guess it has been getting earlier in the month each time. It used to start the 15th, but now it's around the 5th (today) a lot of the time. I can usually tell a week or two before it's going to start because I start cramping before most people. I surprisingly didn't feel very emotional or anything, until today.

I got overwhelmed my the state of my finances though it's okay. I put a lot of my summer money into rent for fall, so I didn't regret anything, but I just.. am tired of everything being so hard all the time. It's hard not to cry. And doing my laundry, I was counting the socks I have. So many are missing. It upsets me, but no one in my family seems to be taking it seriously even though they're responsible for the loss of these items. I'll have to wait for mom to bring them which she'll probably forget to do , so I just need to buy more, but I don't have the money to buy more- I barely have money to buy food. And I have a job waiting for me but my college always fucks me over and this time they fucked me over by changing their hiring process. And it's just hard. Everything takes so long and is so hard. It's overwhelming.

I wish I'd gone outside today. But now it's dark, and walking around at night is not really relaxing for me. I'm crying. This is so silly. Usually I can breathe and get over things, but everything is hitting all at once. It's a lot. Life is just so hard, and I want it to be easy. I really want it to be easy. It shouldn't have to be so hard. Not this hard.

But I'll be okay. I'm happy my visual novel released, and Kyou is coming tomorrow. My fern died in direct sunlight, so I'll have to throw it away while cleaning today. My stomach has been hurting which is why I waited so late in the day to clean. Silly solly. Silly me.

I miss my socks, but htis is a nice excuse to get used to handwashing again, and.. Umm.. Buy more brand socks.. yeah.. I got nice Baby socks.. And nice AATP socks... Yeah.. I have some other socks too. Lots of cherries. I own mostly brand socks now.I only lost one brand pair, my aatp socks,but well, it's not a huge loss to me because they were.. just.. striped socks.. with AATP on them.. AATP will make more..And I think they had holes in them anyways.. And.., now I can tell ym family I can't trust them to wash any of my things because of this situation.. No one ever believed me but now it has happened. No one can ever touch my things again.

I know this all to be true, yet my heart feels so heavy. I  just miss.. having all my things. I wish my manager hadn't kicked me out in and made me move in 48 hours. I wish I had a car. I wish I wasn't disabled. Relying on other people who can't do things as well as me is stressful, and it makes me want to scream at them when I feel like this. I need to clean, but maybe I'll watch an anime... An episode or two.. 

I'll be okay. The fireworks yesterday were so nice. I got a clear video too. I'm overwhelmed now and in physical pain which is making me feel worse,but I'll be okay. Maybe I'll play Just Dance.. Probably not though.. I really do just want to go to sleep. Uploading videos is an annoying process when I'm tired due to video filesbeing a bit cursed and usually coming from my phone, so I hope you don't mind if I show the fireworks when I feel a bit better.

I want to be a very positive person. It's hard when my body is this way, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better.

Today I went outside and I took many pictures. At first, I was focused on taking coord pictures, but I began to lose interest quickly. I didn't like any of them, but I still wanted to take pictures. The campus was really empty,and I wasn't playing music on my headphones, so I just kept thinking about it being the 4th of July and the complete silence on campus.

The pictures please me. I could edit them better, perhaps I'll make an autoaction so the same effects are applied to every photo. I think I'll do this more often. I'm not sure though. A lot of my coords recently are samey, especially because it's so hot outside, and I also have lots of of thoughts but making a drawing for every single thought I have is a bit of a pain. Taking pics is faster and sometimes more fun.

These kinds of thoughts can be hard to share, but I often end up going into sad topics when I'm speaking. I'm naturally very melancholic. People consider me depressing to be around sometimes, but it's just how I am. Of course, melancholia at a certain point is unhealthy, but even as a child, I was naturally like this.

It doesn't make me sad, but I've decided I can't be close to others who get uncomfortable with my melancholia. I am just talking. I like reflecting on loneliness. It's an emotional all humans feel and ignoring it is silly. The more you grapple with it, the less it affects you. It's okay to not reflect on those things though. This is what helps me but for others it could be very bad.

Outside my window, I see fireworks. I'm kind of happy I'm inside now.I have a beautiful line of sight, so maybe i'll see even more. I really like fireworks. A lot of people on the internet complain about them.. The carbon monoxide, the loudness, scaring dogs, but well, I really delight in them. I just think they are magical almost. Chemical reactions are so interesting.

I got to see a beautiful quiet campus and now I get to see many fireworks from the comfort of my room, scattered across the city. It's not even dark, ther ewill probably be even more throughout the night. I have my camera on my tripod set up to record them. The tripod gets really tiny, so it's on my desk. Isn't that delightful?

My life. is going to get very hard, but everything feels so nice right now. The fireworks, my tripod, my beautiful clothes, hanging out with friends, lolita meets,my birthday soon, my girlfriend, and a quiet summer. This summer I don't have much money, but that's because I paid a lot of my rent in advance with my summer paycheck. I think life has the potential to be so beautiful if I keep pushing harder. 

The sky isn't completely dark yet. It's this weird dark bluey green, fading into orange, but it is still very dark. If I get any good video, I'll try to add gifs in my next entry. 

I may stay up late to watch the fireworks and probably do some game development. I finished up my visual novel for the toxic yuri jam and have been reading entries periodically. I like.. toxic yaoi a lot, but most toxic yuri in manga/webtoon doesn't interest me for various reasons, but this jam has been a delight. Indie game devs really are just.. reliable for making the kind of things I want to see consistently.

I also made something I really like, so  I hope people enjoy it. It'll be out this weekend :-) It's the biggest project I've ever made for a jam, maybe ever. Measuring a game jam game with an RPG Maker game (Ommatophilia is the one I'm thinking about) is difficult, but it is a very large game for me. It's like 23K words total and has dozens of CGs.

I hope people like it. Smiles. I'm going to work on my next RPG Maker game. I feel a bit crazy working so much. I haven't felt this motivated in ages, and usually after jams I'm very exhausted. But I've been doing artfight and game dev and chipping away at commissions slowly.

I live a beautiful life!