here is a picture i enjoy. the original title
of this entry was "fear of irreconciliable differences" 

Hello I have work in a few hours but I am dying. Fortunately a 3 day weekdn is coming up- one in which I have planned 3 seperate outings with the hopes of finishing up my zine work lest I start to decompose even faster. I predict thtis will not happenf or a few reasons but do believe I will try very hard.

I'm very anxious lately- to the point of illness frequently. If I don't manage to go to sleep before a particular time, I am posessessed by anxiety that digs its fingers into every part of my body, killing me or sending me into an endless dream REM haze.

To cope, I decided to do tarot again. I am still worried about my psychotic tendencies, but it is easy to feel okay when I avoid the more fortune telling tarot. I view them as a way to process feelings in a way though admittedly the witchcraft bug is getting me.

Animism is getting me particularly hard lately actually. Anyways!

This layout was "Spread for Breaking Through the Barriers of Fear" which felt a bit more middle ground. I also would not have to sort my cards. Some of my spreads require specific cards but going through them sounds a bit agonizing.

The purpose and background infromattion was "when fears and phobias are restricting your life" which felt comforting since I am dying.

• “Card 1: What is the real cause of my fear?
  
  
  
  • Five of Pentacles: This card emphasizes asking your friends for help and avoiding weathering things alone. It particularly feels useful due to.. I do this, but it is actually a cause of my anxiety lately.
    
    
    
    • I love my friends but I always think.. That they will message me out of the blue to discuss our irreconciliable differences and end our friendship. I don't think I have another heartbreak in me in me lately.
    
    
    • It's one reason I've liked work.. I just don't talk to anyone during the day, but I worry any bad feelings about me will fester. I will look at my phone and see a message about my eccentricities or cruelty or anxiety or needineses being much. I'd rather weather this alone but I know I don't need much from a friend to be happy. A simple small game sparks joy and gets me through a lot. Like Stardew.
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  


• Card 2: Is this bad thing actually likely to happen, or is it just fear?
  
  
  
  • Two of Cups: This card was along the lines of- there’s a super amazing person in your life and you love their company. Get drunk on love..
    
    
    
    • As I grow more anxious of my friends, I feel a desire to lean more on my girlfriend, but you know, I don't want to because I don't want to be too much, but I like to lean on her and she likes to lean on me. No one comforts me as much as she does and she doesn't even need to say anything in particular.
    
    
    • I also feel as though I should be focusing on communicating with my closest friends more than group settings. It is easy to with apps like Discord but as it explodes, I'm realizing this is a time to deepend my closest connections and try to free myself from the anxieties of always having many people at the tips of my fingers.
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  


• Card 3: What triggers/makes the fear worse?
  
  
  
  • Two of Wands (Reversal): While the card usually means planning and a concrete future, the reversal represents uncertainty of next steps. Indecision. Hesitation.
    
    
    
    • This feels very real. I actually feel mortified by not being able to figure out my next step. As I figure out new housing and everything becomes a confusing mixture of future haze and I get close to my girlfriend in a way I've never been close to anyone, I feel myself becoming more afraid.
    
    
    • As SNS becomes more unreliable, I find that I want to connect with my friends elsewhere in more one on one environments. While many people flock to things like Telegram or decentralized alternatives, I just want to exchange Line accounts with my friends. I always fall off of using it but I do enjoy it.
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  


• Card 4: What action can I take to prevent or overcome my fear?”
  
  
  
  • The Moon (Reversed): Usually means intuition, the subconscious, illusions, or fear. Difficult to read reversed. The book says “wake up your wild side” and do things in a new way. A new way? It reversed like this makes sense. I’m strugging to understand. The path forward is to release fear but what do I do? 
    
    
    
    • I read more. There are things about clouds of uncertainty or confrontations of fears and illusions, but I'm unsure of how to confront these things other than just pushing forward- which I am doing but still struggling with. Perhaps a leap of faith is required? 
    
    
    • As I type this my gf messages me and I look at the naked women dancing under the moon in the reversed card and the creature in the depths..
    
    
    • It is hard to make sense of. I guess it is hard to illuminate, but well.. I think I will just keep looking for the answer. Perhaps, I just need to focus on my goals, and the answer is in front of me but I keep being anxious anyways. Apartment, working, devving, etc... Being a whole human. 
    
    
    
    
  
  
  
  

I continue to like these cards.. Lesbian. Good for me. I disliked them at first due to my hipsterisms and my memories attached but they are very special to me.

As I reflect on how tired I will be at work tomorrow.. I feel much regret.. But I think.. now I can sleep. I am anxious for no reason. Go to sleep.

Also, something silly. I put my outfits for the first week together for the most part and accidentally twinned with him.. Down to the stompy hooves.