machine girl, friends, and the neurologist
Posted on: 2026-04-09 04:56:00


i feel as though my life is not really in my hands due to my constant pain and the restrictions of my job. i feel not extremely present. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.  have you ever been to a beach and played in the waves? they push you back consistently. it's fun, but sometimes you can screw up. your mouth gets full of salt water or you may be surprisingly submerged. i think i'm always playing with waves, but now i'm tired. i can't seem to find the shore for some reason.


medical bills are speny. today i had a $100 copay for a neurologist appointment. i talked to mom. apparently, our insurance tried calling me one time but called her several times trying to reach me. it's kind of funny. i looked dand saw i'd gotten a call from them. i guess they called since my phone goes straight to voicemail cause of my job haha. i'm not sure why they didn't even leave a voicemail. i saw the call but i'm always to tired. everything's always closed. mom said my phone is off in the evening and i respnded with "it's off from 12:30 to 8::30pm" then she said i can call in the morning. i guess i will.


they said i may experience focal seizures. i have to get an MRI scan and EEG. it's going to be expensive. more things out of my control. i scheduled a PCP appointment + obgyn stuff too.


it'll be crazy if i have seizures cause i just do things through them and get mad at myself. everyone just thinks i'm anxious when i'm shaking which can make me feel worse because i don't shake when i'm anxious! but no one ever believes me! but the neurologist believed me. shouldn't being believed make me feel better? now i'm actually anxious! what if something's wrong? i should've prioritized it earlier.



on the bright side, recently i took a small trip to visit guts. kyou was also there and some of Guts' IRL friends. guts so nice to me. i've been stressed for along time.


it was nice gettng pictures with my friends.




the concert itself was nice. i like talking to people. i got fun pics but i'm a bit too tired to post them, but know they do exist. lustsickpuppy is basolutelty beautiful. they opened and closed. i've listened to some lustsickpuppy but not too much.


there was another opener i adored but got no videos or pics of (due to being a bit erm busy), but i ended up getting a tshirt because it made me crazy. it's my favorite kind of music for concerts, and i hadn't heard it since i was in japan in a venue like this. 


here's some pics and videos.





I generally try not to record too much at concerts. Guts has more footage I may post eventually. The other reason I didn't record is because unlike my first MG concert, I moshed basically the entire time. Guts wanted to go the center and I folowed and so did Kyou. An IRL friend of Guts was right in the center.


Last time was scary. This time I did Die LOL, but it was fun. I think I would've died without Kyou and Guts there though. At one point Kyou acted as a wall for us, and at times, I'd be carried away by  mosher. At one point Guts wrapped their arms around me to keep me from Flying Away lol. Wearing lolita is nice because it makes me very visible in these venues to my friends, so I don't disappear. LOL. Though other people.. I get awkward because people want you to push their weight. At one point I couldn't push someone so I kept moving backwards and they kept jumping backwards LOL. I ran to Guts and Kyou afterwards.


It was fun even if we all died the next day. I hope to do it again. I at one point wondered if I'd ever go to a concert again. No car, no money, stuck in poverty cycle. I often feel like I'm dying but things are slowly looking up, maybe. It's sometimes hard to tell.. But I'm trying very hard and have some plans that will hopefully improve things if they don't explode smiles.

ps. while on my trip, i went to a cat cafe for the first time. if i lived near the area, there was one i certainly would have adopted! thanks for showing me new things guts!


pss. originally the title had the word seizures in it but i worried next to the title "machine girl" it would not be good ahah