"please forgive me for being so upset during my period 💧💧💧"

Today was nice. I released my Toxic Yuri Jam visual novel, and it's the largest vn I've ever made. That's really good. I'm really happy about that. I have two nice comments, one from Zed, and another from a dev named deaddeaddeath who I can recognize from a game called Heatwave, which has been on my to play list for a long time. I actually recognized them abit more from their VN stock photography which I had downloaded on my old computer. I want to distribute stock too someday.

My period started today. I knew it'd be soon. I guess it has been getting earlier in the month each time. It used to start the 15th, but now it's around the 5th (today) a lot of the time. I can usually tell a week or two before it's going to start because I start cramping before most people. I surprisingly didn't feel very emotional or anything, until today.

I got overwhelmed my the state of my finances though it's okay. I put a lot of my summer money into rent for fall, so I didn't regret anything, but I just.. am tired of everything being so hard all the time. It's hard not to cry. And doing my laundry, I was counting the socks I have. So many are missing. It upsets me, but no one in my family seems to be taking it seriously even though they're responsible for the loss of these items. I'll have to wait for mom to bring them which she'll probably forget to do , so I just need to buy more, but I don't have the money to buy more- I barely have money to buy food. And I have a job waiting for me but my college always fucks me over and this time they fucked me over by changing their hiring process. And it's just hard. Everything takes so long and is so hard. It's overwhelming.

I wish I'd gone outside today. But now it's dark, and walking around at night is not really relaxing for me. I'm crying. This is so silly. Usually I can breathe and get over things, but everything is hitting all at once. It's a lot. Life is just so hard, and I want it to be easy. I really want it to be easy. It shouldn't have to be so hard. Not this hard.

But I'll be okay. I'm happy my visual novel released, and Kyou is coming tomorrow. My fern died in direct sunlight, so I'll have to throw it away while cleaning today. My stomach has been hurting which is why I waited so late in the day to clean. Silly solly. Silly me.

I miss my socks, but htis is a nice excuse to get used to handwashing again, and.. Umm.. Buy more brand socks.. yeah.. I got nice Baby socks.. And nice AATP socks... Yeah.. I have some other socks too. Lots of cherries. I own mostly brand socks now.I only lost one brand pair, my aatp socks,but well, it's not a huge loss to me because they were.. just.. striped socks.. with AATP on them.. AATP will make more..And I think they had holes in them anyways.. And.., now I can tell ym family I can't trust them to wash any of my things because of this situation.. No one ever believed me but now it has happened. No one can ever touch my things again.

I know this all to be true, yet my heart feels so heavy. I  just miss.. having all my things. I wish my manager hadn't kicked me out in and made me move in 48 hours. I wish I had a car. I wish I wasn't disabled. Relying on other people who can't do things as well as me is stressful, and it makes me want to scream at them when I feel like this. I need to clean, but maybe I'll watch an anime... An episode or two.. 

I'll be okay. The fireworks yesterday were so nice. I got a clear video too. I'm overwhelmed now and in physical pain which is making me feel worse,but I'll be okay. Maybe I'll play Just Dance.. Probably not though.. I really do just want to go to sleep. Uploading videos is an annoying process when I'm tired due to video filesbeing a bit cursed and usually coming from my phone, so I hope you don't mind if I show the fireworks when I feel a bit better.

I want to be a very positive person. It's hard when my body is this way, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better.

Today I went outside and I took many pictures. At first, I was focused on taking coord pictures, but I began to lose interest quickly. I didn't like any of them, but I still wanted to take pictures. The campus was really empty,and I wasn't playing music on my headphones, so I just kept thinking about it being the 4th of July and the complete silence on campus.

The pictures please me. I could edit them better, perhaps I'll make an autoaction so the same effects are applied to every photo. I think I'll do this more often. I'm not sure though. A lot of my coords recently are samey, especially because it's so hot outside, and I also have lots of of thoughts but making a drawing for every single thought I have is a bit of a pain. Taking pics is faster and sometimes more fun.

These kinds of thoughts can be hard to share, but I often end up going into sad topics when I'm speaking. I'm naturally very melancholic. People consider me depressing to be around sometimes, but it's just how I am. Of course, melancholia at a certain point is unhealthy, but even as a child, I was naturally like this.

It doesn't make me sad, but I've decided I can't be close to others who get uncomfortable with my melancholia. I am just talking. I like reflecting on loneliness. It's an emotional all humans feel and ignoring it is silly. The more you grapple with it, the less it affects you. It's okay to not reflect on those things though. This is what helps me but for others it could be very bad.

Outside my window, I see fireworks. I'm kind of happy I'm inside now.I have a beautiful line of sight, so maybe i'll see even more. I really like fireworks. A lot of people on the internet complain about them.. The carbon monoxide, the loudness, scaring dogs, but well, I really delight in them. I just think they are magical almost. Chemical reactions are so interesting.

I got to see a beautiful quiet campus and now I get to see many fireworks from the comfort of my room, scattered across the city. It's not even dark, ther ewill probably be even more throughout the night. I have my camera on my tripod set up to record them. The tripod gets really tiny, so it's on my desk. Isn't that delightful?

My life. is going to get very hard, but everything feels so nice right now. The fireworks, my tripod, my beautiful clothes, hanging out with friends, lolita meets,my birthday soon, my girlfriend, and a quiet summer. This summer I don't have much money, but that's because I paid a lot of my rent in advance with my summer paycheck. I think life has the potential to be so beautiful if I keep pushing harder. 

The sky isn't completely dark yet. It's this weird dark bluey green, fading into orange, but it is still very dark. If I get any good video, I'll try to add gifs in my next entry. 

I may stay up late to watch the fireworks and probably do some game development. I finished up my visual novel for the toxic yuri jam and have been reading entries periodically. I like.. toxic yaoi a lot, but most toxic yuri in manga/webtoon doesn't interest me for various reasons, but this jam has been a delight. Indie game devs really are just.. reliable for making the kind of things I want to see consistently.

I also made something I really like, so  I hope people enjoy it. It'll be out this weekend :-) It's the biggest project I've ever made for a jam, maybe ever. Measuring a game jam game with an RPG Maker game (Ommatophilia is the one I'm thinking about) is difficult, but it is a very large game for me. It's like 23K words total and has dozens of CGs.

I hope people like it. Smiles. I'm going to work on my next RPG Maker game. I feel a bit crazy working so much. I haven't felt this motivated in ages, and usually after jams I'm very exhausted. But I've been doing artfight and game dev and chipping away at commissions slowly.

I live a beautiful life!