you'd come over and say i look lovely
Posted on: 2024-11-30 00:00:00
hi everyone. many diary entries in a short period. i guess that's what being home does to you. it's 6:18AM. my mom is not drunk, but it does not get rid of my unease. she walked in just now and i said "what is it" and she said she just wanted to look at me and tell me she loved me. it'd be cute and fine if she hadn't been drunk just yesterday. she hasn't even apologized. and well. i don't really wanna talk to her about it. i wish she'd just get therapy.



i've been working on schoolwork but not at the rate i need to. i really should be working now but i'm.. it's 6:20AM and my brain feels fuzzy haha. i'm just. blegh. my stomach hurts too. i'm hoping my mom takes us to a korean restaurant today.. if i come home without eating any food from here, i'll be a bit sad though thanksgiving dinner was good. unfortunately, i didn't get a picture of my plate, but i'm not the best at making things look appetizing anyways because i tend to keep my food as far apart from each other as possible.



thank you to everyone who reached out to me and gave me well wishes. i am okay. this is normal, and i've dealt with worse. yesterday was extremely painful, but ultimately it was microscopic in all the events that happen in my life. it did result in me taking some action (applying for a summer internship in my college town and asking cousin to help me drive during winter break). wow mom just walked in again to talk to me.



~eating disorder talk below~


i have eating disorder thoughts to ramble about.. lately i've felt too skinny. isn't that interesting? occasionally, my dysmorphia rears it's head and i critique my body a lot, but it never lasts and is replaced by "your upper body is looking unwell." i guess my frontal lobe is developing lol. i hate.. my like chest area. Sometimes I'll get embarrassed wearing camis or specifically my good luck set because i feel like i look unwell.



i can't lie. i usually act pretty obtuse when my weight is mentioned to the point where i treat it like a joke or a funny thing to guess at. i am still a healthy weight, so do not worry. i'm sure it's obvious looking at me that i am completely fine. i just know what i used to look a while ago- i had a bit more flesh on me and my family prefers when i have that little bit of fat. i think i might prefer it a bit too.



the problem is that losing weight sparks joy. each time my bmi decreases a bit, my brain.. dings. and also i use platforms like xiaongshu where eating disorders are basically promoted, and i have this anxiety that if i gain weight, people won't call me beautiful anymore. whenever i gain like 5-7 pounds, my family notices so clearly everyone else is too.



and i think about my body hwen i was starving in pnw. i felt horrible, and it was the lowest weight i've been in my adult life, but i was... happy? i guess. in a fucked up way. i couldn't move most of the time. i was always exhausted and felt like i was living corpse... but it was... a source of pride for me. being that thin. i found old pictures of myself from then and felt a twinge of nostalgia and amazement.



but there's a weird battle in my mind because ultimately i think being fuller and having a bit more weight is the most pleasing aesthetically and also the healthiest. if i gained a bit of weight, i'd probably stop feeling like shit all the time.. but maybe I just want to die lol.
happy thanksgiving
Posted on: 2024-11-28 00:00:00
my stomach hurts. it's been hurting for some days now. i'm tired of taking psychiatric meds. i'm kind of. at the end of my rope i think. i was just playing games. my entire existence.. i exist to make games really. and i guess for my siblings too, and now i have a girlfriend as well. i just feel kind of weird and hazy- like when you're having a bbq in the summer and the land gets distorted behind the gases from the grill.



i come home and my mom is being such a bitch to me (because she is drunk). then guilt tripping me for being frustrated by telling me how much money she spent on me coming home and how much she's sacrificed for me. it's the same game every time. i wish i wasn't born at all. i would've stayed at school if she didn't want to fly me home too.



i feel so exhausted dealing with her.i love my siblings, but i'm just never enough for them really. i'm too autistic. it gets too loud and painful. you kno when i walked through the backyard to get into the house, things were destroyed. i guess some trees fell and hit some things. it felt so weird. i don't know.



i usually love seeing my family during the holidays, but i have this feeling that everyone has abandoned me. i come home and mom is drunk.. no one warned me or anything. my stepdad knew apparently, but he didn't tell me anything. i hate him as much as i hate her too now but i used to see him through rose colored glasses but i've realized he is a pathetic loser. did he not tell me because i'm a grown woman and he expects me to be able to take care of children? fuck off for real.



i can't stop crying right now actually. i have so many feelings. coming home was supposed to be good.. this semester was supposed to be good.. running zine was supposed to be good.. everything should be more fun than it is.



i'm struggling to find reasons to keep going. i mean- i game dev to deal with my feelings, and making games is what cheers me up but that surely won't last forever haha. I mean look at what happened to rpgmaker.net haha. Things get lost so easily.. to time.



i just wanna be happy i think, but there's so many bad times. is it possible for life to be good? will i be stuck in this endless wave forever. i want to move on with my life really. what is that song? christmas kids?

Ronnette, my dear, don't ever disappear

Do what you want as long as you stay here

I need you now, I love you so much, more than you could know

The Christmas kids were nothing but a gift

And love is a tower where all of us can live

You'll change your name or change your mind

And leave this fucked up place behind

But I'll know, I'll know


...



I'm going to escape, but you won't know how

Or where to find me when I'm gone

I'll drink myself to death inside this prison cell

This prison cell

So get me out of here

It's hard. When I was young, I wanted to leave everything so bad. And now I'm old and realize it's not that simple. Everything is so horrible. My vocal chords are kind of fucked up right now, so when I cry, it makes this small sound. Like, a small whisper. It's kind of nice. It reminds me of like.. a little girl in a game. It's nice. It makes me nostalgic.



What do I do? What do I do? What do I do now?



I can't even cry in peace. Mom walked in and started asking me questions. It's 6:33AM. Do you think she has more alcohol? Sometimes I have the urge to try substances to cope with my problems, but I remind myself that I'm not as stupid as you.
instability
Posted on: 2024-11-26 00:00:00
i have this horrible chest pain when i get really sad. maybe i shouldn't have drank coffee, but it was only one cup of dark roast and it's been 3-4 hours now. i'm probably just anxious lol. my friend said they're not a lifestyle lolita anymore. it makes me kind of sad. we didn't hangout much, but i guess the existence of other lifestyling old schoolers around me made me happy. the friend i hungout in the summer moved and now this friend decided they'll only wear it to cons and meets. i feel kind of lonely.



i've been feeling on edge. i've been venting a lot in random places. i should probably stop talking so much. idk. lawl.my heart just feels so heavy. i don't even know why. i usually like to vc with friends to feel lighter, but my voice is gone haha.



i've been wondering... maybe i should've never gotten into lolita? i mean i love lolita, but maybe i love it too much haha. the fact that lolita friends not being near me or wearing the fashion anymore depresses me.. thinking about moving places with active lolita comms.. keeping eyes out for old school events.. is my devotion to this hobby normal? am i relying on it too much? i'm not sure. it's just clothes. i just need to remember it's how i dress... but it feels like more than that. because other lolitas often have similarities to me.. similarities i'm not used to sharing with others.



and i feel so nice in these clothes. it's how i express myself, and i have such nice conversations with others.it feels like my shield against the world really.



but perhaps thatisn't normal. i'm not sure.



last night rain came over and we looked at books. the last one we looked at was a glb. shortly after i asked her to be my girlfriend. she said yes. it was so nice. it was so nice. i wouldn't give these memories for the world.



I wish life was more stable,so i'd know these times would last for a long time.. but the future is just too hazy to know for sure...



I released a game two days ago, and it's been really successful. People have been so nice to me. There's many wonderful things in my life. I have to embrace more hobbies and love more things.
craving some kind of exit
Posted on: 2024-11-14 00:00:00
a lot of my friends dont really talk to me anymore. i jsut feel kind of depressed online. i dont know. i dont really fit in anywhere. i do everything wrong. i'm tired of updating my neocities. i'm tired of doing anything. i dont wanna talk i dont wanna do anything. i dont fit in anywhere.



i had a dream. i was talking to someone about welcome to nhk, and we got along really well. the person i was speaking to wasn't anyone in particular. i was getting along with them. we were smiling and laughing.



i don't know.. i have a few people in my life i talk quite regularly.. the girl i'm seeing... zed... citrus... i can't really think of anyone else actually. i don't feel particularly close to anyone nowadays. i kind of just talk to lots of people, but is any of it fulfilling? i think sometimes it is. i like the old school server. i feel like i belong there. people seem to like my sense of humor and are concerned when i'm doing badly, and they like my coords. they understand what i'm saying since we all like old school lolita.



but well.. i feel out of sync everywhere else.. in lolita servers, i'm out of step as an old schooler. in rpg maker communities, i'm out of sync because i'm a gay edgy loser with something really ugly inside me. i like visual novel circles, but i kind of like... i am scared. i feel mentally ill in a different way than my fellow visual novel making peers. i know we get along, but i know that if we were all talking together, i'd be out of place.



neocities.. well... i am tired of neocities really.. i'm considering abandoning it lol. it sparks joy but what do i here to? depression post? highlight my mental illness? i am so uninteresting now.. i have to come back.. hwen i have more things to say.. when i have prettier things to make.. when i'm worthy of being spectated in some way...



soon.. i think it will happen again.. i will make my grand exit.. and it will be so nice..
?????????
Posted on: 2024-11-13 00:00:00
hey biitches. i actually had one of the greatest weekends up my life (hungout with kyou and machine girl concert) but i'm writing this entry at 4:37AM so it's going to be depressing. apologies.


i've been feeling really unhappy. it's the junior year blues. i had hopes that the horribleness peaked my sophomore year and it was all uphill from there, but no. i feel worse. i should've switched majors when i had the chance. you know i do actually really enjoy programming when i'm doing random bullshit, but having classes that force me to build all of these nonsensical projects is making me lose my sanity. also i'm just so tired. i don't know what to do. i kind of feel there are leeches draining me all the time. i don't really want to eat and all i want to do is sleep. it kind of reminds me of how people described their loved ones in hospice.



obviously i can't just leave college. there's nothing at home for me, and college is really the only thing i've got going for me. i'm just kind of like. oh god. what the fuck will i do when this is over? will i even make it out of this with my shitty coding skills? fuck. fuck. fuuck. fuUUUCK.



also i'm going to talk about this nightmare i had.




it's about Umineko
I had a dream that was basically about me not understanding Umineko at all and there being several factors in the media i missed and I basically watched beatrice get murdered over and over. I kept trying to get her a happy ending but couldn't due to the hatred constantly winning.



While I know Umineko is all about the possibility of love and how there can be love despite it all, the dream was about how despite the fact that love was possible, Beatrice died due to hatred. there was so much hatred that it was inescapable. I felt myself suffocating in it in the dream. I was mortified.



I guess it just felt horrifying because I was there and I was like one of the people who had propagated the hatred even though at the time I just kept trying to save and understand her. It's just in that board game everyone was nice because it was a fragment where love was real. And everyone was horrified to learn how much hatred they had in their hearts in that game. They couldn't remember how their hatred had resulted in her death despite the fact that it did.



I've actually had nightmares every night though that one I think disturbed me the most. But perhaps I just think it disturbed me most because I remember it so clearly.



I also had a dream I was having sex (lesbian style) and family walked in. Horrible. And my mom read my emails and Discord messages. Horrible. Though it was less mortifying than the Umineko dream. At least, at that moment in the dream, I didn't feel the terror I felt as I tried to save Beatrice.



As my mom tried to talk to me about my sins, I just felt kind of irritated and wondered what the sex had been like if it hadn't been interrupted and also felt a bit of post traumatic stress from previous experiences of her going through my messages haha. I think I was sex brained because I'm on my period. I was kind of wishing it'd go away and I guess my brain was like "Okay I'll fix it" then gave me that dream which has successfully dropped all sexual desire to the negatives.



Anyway, yeah. Yeah. That's most of what I wanted to talk about. I'm kicking a Machine Girl page around in my head. You might me wondering- why don't you talk about the good things in your life? It's actually strange. I have the desire to journal physically most of the time or when I do write about good things, I'd rather write in Japanese. I guess writing in English doesn't feel stimulating enough lately. I can't really identify the reason exactly. it's probably just.. the severe depression.



Oh yeah, I will say... based on more interactions regarding Ophazines existing and people being mad about various things regarding us existing, I am taking a break from running it next year. I might come back. I might not. I don't know. It really depends on if I miss it or not. I like running niche interest zines. RPG Maker Zine is so big that I go into any internet space and I find people pissed at me for some reason. "You rejected me and I am so niceys." "The rejection email is too short." "You don't include mod links in your tumblr mods page." "You didn't fire this mod after I told you to so your apology is null and void even though the zine could not run without the presence of this mod."



I'm at my limit methinks. I.. just wanted to run zines with my friends. I didn't want this many eyes on me in the first place, and I'm tired of people making judgements on me when they've never even spoken to me. I made RPZinemaker 2 because I knew it'd be successful and I'd be able to contribute to the RPG Maker community and also hopefully make a small difference to some Gaza charity with the genocide taking place, but people just keep.. getting pissed at me over everything. I usually have so much fun... But it hasn't been fun this time. So maybe this should be the last time or a hiatus is in order.



I will say adieu.