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REM dream vortex
Posted on: 2025-02-27 02:10:00
After days of sleeping well and consistently and waking up at 6am, last night I found myself unable to achieve deep sleep. I was bombarded by strange dreams, and I realized I might as well describe them here- lest I forget them. •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• Dream 1 •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• In the first dream, for some reason I was in some kind of tunnel.. Like.. There were these bring doorways, and water up to my hips. I was with a group of people I was familiar with. There were dangerous things in the cave capable of killing us but I'm not sure what they were- aside from what particular entity. This large entity was a sentient train. It was in the largest opening in the cave. It ran back and forth, running into the walls over and over with no way of escaping the railways. Me and my group would come up with theories about it and as we talked, we found ourselves being picked off one by one. I remember at some point I was holding a girl's hand trying to convince her not to go somewhere. I was holding her arms as the water filled with blood. I eventually let go realizing she was no longer alive. I was likely just holding limbs. Eventually, I and someone I truly hated made it to the railroad tracks, and the train spotted us. We had to run as fast as we could. We spotted other people on the tracks and knew they'd die, but it was their fault for being too slow. I am not sure how, but eventually we made it out. We sat on some kind of shingled rooftop aimed downwards at a slight angle. The night sky was visible, and the surroundings around us were completely flat- almost like a desert. The guy and I talked. I couldn't focus on my dislike of him due to the absurdity and fear of this situation. He explained to me his theory. He believed the train wanted to see the sky which is why it banged into the walls over and over again. Perhaps it wanted to knock them down. It killed anything in the cave out of envy of knowing those creatures had been able to look at the stars, the clouds, and the birds. It made sense to me, and I wondered why I'd been so irritated by this guy in the first place. •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• Dream 2 •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• This dream is a bit incomprehensible. I was sent to some kind of alternate universe with a school to do some peaceful activities, but a friend of mine got hurt. Shortly after he got hit by an object, a portal opened in front of him, and he jumped inside it. I jumped in after him in hopes of helping him somehow, but we ended up in some kind of hell. We floated in this weird abyss. Both of us were wet and cold and surrounded by fruit flies. There was a clone of me that claimed that I stole his free will. His eyes were bloodshot, and his pupils were tiny, but he never did anything malicious. We tried to make our way out of the portal.. We had to do a weird series of task like stepping on bald men's heads to avoid falling into the abyss, each person increasing in height as we did so and having conversations with one another. We entered some kind of weird square shaped black crevice with dark ridges along it's surface, but I believe my dream ended there. •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• Dream 3 •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• In the real world, I recently applied for a job that would pay rather well. In this dream, I was accepted, and I got an email with my acceptance. For context, it's some kind of summer camp for minority students. My dream began to warp. My sister and I were talking about movies. My family was really into my dresses. They ordered me lots of Moi Meme Moitie, but in this world MMM hadn't declined in quality. I had a drawer full of it in my mother's old bedroom at my grandmother's house, and they had organized everything carefully for me to send me off to the camp. At some point I became aware everyone who worked at this camp was a lolita, and I was excited due to my constant loneliness. Before I left, I received a contract. There was a pink crystal heart graphic surrounded and two conditions. It read something along the lines of: LACE
I was a bit shocked, but I assumed it was some kind of bizarre joke since lolitas, especially old schoolers, can be a bit weird. I also generally don't care about dying very much. I sent the letter off and finally woke up. •─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────• I told my mom about these dreams, and she assumed it was because of the media I was watching. I actually haven't been consuming any horror content lately- just mostly silly romance webtoons and financial crime / downfall of influencer videos. It's funny because I actually do really like horror and tend to go on binges which can influence my dreams, but I haven't really had time to seek out content like that. I think it might be because I was on call and I struggle to achieve deep sleep when I have the RA phone. I worry I'll need to be alert immediately, so my subconscious does not allow me to enter deep sleep state. I just wake up constantly over and over and stay in REM. It's why this morning everything was kind of incomprehensible. Next time I am on call I will take unisom.
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the disappear of mala kuroki
Posted on: 2025-02-13 00:00:00
 hello everyone. i'm tired. i'm. tired. i don't really want to update this blog anymore. neocities was fun. all of this was fun, but it was just a failed learning exercise for a shitty schizophrenic. i'll update necessities here sometimes. none of this matters anymore though. i'll be moving over to fc2 probably unless it locks me out i guess. i don't really feel like dealing with any of this anymore. have you noticed i've gotten too lazy to update my media logs?soon my excuse for holding on to all of this will be gone and i can finally disappear. the ultimate plan is to leave most of this behind. just post art when i want to share it. stop hosting zines. stop sharing thoughts on social media. don't log into discord. keep very few lines of communication open. everything i say is misintepreted. why talk in this world where i exist on the other side of a glass wall? i'm so very tired. soon this will all be over and i can finally rest. i'm so tired. what will become of my clothes? my art? my games? friends? zines? who's to say?  |
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loneliness
Posted on: 2025-02-03 00:00:00
 what's up everyone. i'm. feeling very bad.that's the onlyreason i'm writing here really. i have deep sorrow in my heart. i'm lonely. i feel like i'll never closely connect with anyone. i wish all my close friends didn't move on. i wish i didn't so often realize people i view as close don't care about me as much as i thought they did. but it's okay. I'm never close with my coworkers or people in friend groups I hangout with. I'm just kind of here. I wonder what's wrong with me? Am I too cynical? Am I too rude? Too blunt? Do I need to hold my tongue? Do I not reach out enough? Are my interests too niche? Do I talk too much? Too little?I don't understand. it all confuses me. I'm tired of living behind this glass wall. I thought I wanted to stay in this town forever because I have friends here, but to be honest, I just feel lonelier than ever lately. I don't know what to do. This loneliness will never go away I feel. It will follow me throughout my life. I think I might be missing something that makes me human. I have empathy and everything. I enjoy listening to others, but I feel like i've lost the ability to truly connect. Like.. i talk to others, but people make plans without me. i am sometimes invited to close friend events, but even then, everyone is kind of dancing together on a spider web and I'm just finding myself falling through the gaps. Am I human? Is it possible for me to hold hands with another and smile? Can I truly feel what someone else feels in that moment? Do moments I view as significant between me and another matter as much to the other person? Will the moments I hold dear constantly be ripped away from me? I'm so very tired. I wish this were all so much simpler. Giving up on my friendships would be silly, but I'm tired of leaving my room. I just want to stay here and play video games.. Watch TV. I watched a Sonic OVA featuring Hyper Metal Sonic. It was so nice. I cried afterwards because the loneliness came back, but for a while I could almost see myself in this colorful world ful of simple shaped characters and nice music.. |
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LOVE AND PEACE
Posted on: 2025-02-02 00:00:00
 hello. my head hurts really bad, but i'm okay. i'm very tired. my period started two days ago, and it's doing a number on me T_T. messy and bleegh. tired. i've been drawing though. it's been fun. i've been drawing as evidenced by art on left. for some reason brain said 'you need to draw kie getting strangled with your kanuko pen RIGHT NOW." i really wanted to paint in my watercolor sketchbook, but this vision.. it's bad to ignore inspiration. probably. i don't know. LOL. well, i haven't been posting finished art pieces lately, but i'd like to go scan them in the library tomorrow. it's just.i always draw really close to the spirals. i know it'd probably be smart to put tape around the borders, so that that doesn't happen but.. i'm lazy. smiles. i don't know why. so i'd need to edit them out lol. i don't know if i'll post any of my trad art. i tend to throw it on Patreon and sometimes this diary and friend discords and personal accounts, but haven't actively been posting it on my main socials haha. i just.. know it won't do well and that bothers me :P. it's technically the 2nd because it's only 1am by the way. my sleep schedule is messed up because iwas up all day yesterday unbraiding my hair. though i knowi can go to sleep right now. my period makes it so that i can just keep sleeping forever lmao. it drains my life force. my friend was telling me how birth control stopped their period, and it kind of appeals to me. i have a lot of fears of getting pregnant against my will and not being able to do much about it, so it'd ease both of those worries. but also. i know weight gain can happen and some other hormonal stuff. i get a lot of anxiety abt messing with anything in my body since i'm already so fucked up you know lol. and it kinda feels weird to start bc as a lesbian... sidenote: i've been watching trigun. it's very fantastic and has managed to completely enrapture me. i'm on episode 16 or 17. i'll be reading the manga afterwards. Vash is so cute. I understand him. WARRIOR OF LOVE AND PEACE!  |
